FIC: A Sort of Fairytale, Part 2

[geri_chan]

Title: A Sort of Fairytale, Part 2
Author: geri_chan  
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Word count: 8110
Disclaimer: No money is being made off this story; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part. Characters belong to J.K. Rowling, except for Death, who belongs to Neil Gaiman.
Author's notes: Canon compliant up to HBP, more or less, but I made up my own ending to the series, although I borrowed a few crucial elements from DH. I borrowed the character Death from Neil Gaiman's Sandman series; she also appears in my story The Revenant. You don't need to be familiar with the Sandman comics/graphic novels in order to follow this story, although I've thrown in a few little in-jokes for Gaiman fans.

Summary: Written for the Trading Places challenge on  lupin_snape, based on  karasu_hime's lovely artwork. The war ends, and Sirius reluctantly agrees to fulfill his mission to reunite Remus and Snape, but finds this easier said than done.

Part 1
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Sirius was so bored and frustrated and anxious that he was ready to start climbing the walls--and he would have tried, if he thought it would do any good. He was concerned about Harry and Remus, of course, and he continued watching the television, as frustrating as it was, for whatever bits of information he could glean. Remus's mission was not going well; the other werewolves were mostly too frightened of Greyback to turn against him, and they scorned Remus for being a "tame wolf" who had spent so much time trying to pass as human. He still saw only glimpses of Harry, and much more of Snape than he would have liked. The greasy git and Dumbledore were hatching some sort of convoluted plot, but were so cryptic and mysterious about it, even during their private discussions, that Sirius couldn't figure out exactly what they were up to. Dumbledore did seem to know that Snape had made an Unbreakable Vow, and didn't seem concerned about it, so Sirius didn't know whether this meant that he didn't know that Snape had vowed to kill him, or if he had figured out some loophole to get around the Vow.

But he couldn't watch the television all the time. For one thing, he'd go cross-eyed if he stared at the thing for days on end without interruption, although the effect was no doubt psychological rather than physical, since he was dead, after all. For another, if he watched it for too long, he inevitably got frustrated to the point where he was tempted to pick up the damned machine and throw it across the room. But if it broke, then he'd be stuck here with nothing but the magazines and no way to keep track of Harry and Remus.

So when he started getting annoyed at the blasted thing, he would shut it off and give his temper time to cool down. He ended up reading every magazine in the room from cover to cover; no matter how boring they were, it was still less boring than just staring at the walls--although only slightly less so. After he finished all of them, he began tearing out pages and folding them into paper airplanes, which amused him for an all too brief time. It was a pity that they didn't fly well; maybe it was the quality of the paper, or maybe it was just because there was no breeze or draft in this windowless room.

Meanwhile, in the television, Snape killed Dumbledore and Remus fell into despair. Tonks continued to throw herself at Remus with such desperation that even Sirius began to find it a little unseemly, and Remus seemed too tired to fend her off. Harry, Ron, and Hermione disappeared on a quest for some mysterious weapon that would help them vanquish Voldemort; Harry had refused to discuss it with any of the Order members, even Remus, because Dumbledore had apparently told him not to. Sirius frowned; what on earth had the old man been thinking, to send three teenagers out into danger with no one to protect them? Perhaps he hadn't entirely trusted everyone in the Order--certainly Sirius had never trusted Mundungus Fletcher any farther than he could through him--but surely Dumbledore knew that Remus and McGonagall could be trusted.

Strangely enough, it was by watching Snape that Sirius finally discovered what Harry was doing: searching for Voldemort's Horcruxes. And shockingly, this was because Snape was secretly feeding clues to the trio about the locations of the Horcruxes. Sirius thought at first that he was setting up a trap to capture Harry, but one by one, Harry located the Horcruxes and destroyed them while Voldemort grew increasingly frantic and angry, venting his frustrations by casting Crucio spells on his Death Eaters. Voldemort became convinced that one of his servants had betrayed him, although they didn't seem to know that the Horcruxes even existed; apparently most of them thought that Harry was tracking down some sort of powerful magical artifact to defeat their Dark Lord. Only Snape was above suspicion, because he had personally murdered Dumbledore, although that didn't spare him from being hit with the occasional Crucio.

And finally, it all came to an end: Harry and his friends destroyed all the Horcruxes except for the small piece of Voldemort's soul that had lodged inside Harry's body. Voldemort unwittingly destroyed that one himself when he attempted to kill Harry, and ironically, the Dark Lord was brought down by an Expelliarmus spell and his own rebounded curse.

Snape stumbled into view, pale and bleeding from the neck, and looking more concerned than vengeful, Remus cried out, "Severus!"

Others on the battlefield raised their wands with cries of "Capture the traitor!" or even "Kill the traitor!" while Harry protested that he'd seen Snape's memories and that Snape had been working on their side all along.

"With all due respect, he might have tricked you, Harry," Kingsley Shacklebolt said, keeping his wand and a wary eye fixed on Snape, who made no move to defend himself. "Memories can be altered, and Snape is an expert in Legilimency."

Then a burst of song filled the air, beautiful enough to bring tears to everyone's eyes, and flames lit up the night sky as Fawkes flew into view; hanging from his tail feathers was...Dumbledore?!

"If I vouch for Severus, is that good enough?" he asked cheerfully.

Students and teachers and Order members crowded around him, laughing and crying and demanding to know how he could be alive. Only Snape looked unsurprised. After a startled but still cautious Kingsley determined that this really was Dumbledore and not an impostor using a Polyjuice Potion or illusion spell, the Headmaster explained how he and Snape had conspired to fake his death, while Fawkes flew over and wept healing tears onto Snape's wounded neck.

"I had to die, you see," Dumbledore said in a conversational tone. "Voldemort had ordered Draco to kill me, or he would kill the entire Malfoy family as punishment."

"No loss," someone muttered, but Harry firmly told them to shut up. In the end, Draco had turned against his master and defended Harry when Crabbe and Goyle had tried to attack him, and Narcissa had lied to Voldemort about Harry being dead--more for her son's sake than for Harry's, but still, she had protected Harry. But then, Narcissa, while a snob, had never been a crazed fanatic like her sister. Bellatrix was dead at Molly Weasley's hand, and Sirius would not mourn his cousin's death in the least. He smiled as he wondered what her reaction had been when she had been greeted by perky goth-girl Death.

"And then Severus made an Unbreakable Vow to help Draco kill me, in order to gain Voldemort's trust," Dumbledore continued. "It was crucial that he remain as close to Voldemort as possible, in order to gain the information that Harry needed to defeat him. So we found a way to fulfill the Vow to the letter, whilst bending the spirit a bit. To all observers, it appeared that Severus had slain me with a Killing Curse, but although he spoke the words 'Avada Kedavra'--" His eyes twinkled with mischievous good humor behind his half-moon glasses as most of his listeners flinched. "--they were only words," Dumbledore finished. "And as all of you should remember from your Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons, one has to truly mean it for an Unforgivable Curse to work. So while Severus appeared to be casting a Killing Curse, he was actually casting a small nonverbal illusion spell to conjure up a ray of green light while I dramatically flung myself off the tower."

"I am surprised no one realized what was going on, with your dreadful overacting," Snape said dryly, and Fawkes, who was sitting on his shoulder, uttered a little trill that sounded suspiciously like laughter.

"Yes, perhaps I overdid it a bit," Dumbledore chuckled. "But how often does one get to play one's own death scene? And as a youth, I always harbored a secret hankering for the stage and the applause of the audience."

"But Headmaster," Hermione protested, "that would make everyone think you were dead, but it wouldn't fulfill the terms of the Unbreakable Vow, that Sna--er, I mean, Professor Snape had to help Draco kill you."

"Correct as usual, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said, winking at her. "As I fell from the tower, I bit down on a capsule that was filled with a potion concocted by Severus that stops the heart for just a few seconds. So technically, for those few seconds, I was dead and therefore the Vow was fulfilled. Severus never promised to kill me permanently, after all. When I revived, shortly before hitting the ground, I triggered a Portkey that whisked me away to a safe hiding place."

"But...but...there was a body," Remus stammered looking back and forth from Dumbledore to Snape and back again, a look of joy mixed with confusion on his face; Snape just stared back at him coldly. "We all saw it! Poppy examined it, and confirmed to all of us that you were dead!"

"Again, that was all due to Severus's ingenuity," Dumbledore said, beaming at Snape proudly as he patted the Potions Master on the shoulder--the one not currently being occupied by Fawkes, who seemed quite content on his perch. Snape ducked his head, like a schoolboy embarrassed by his father's praise. "As I vanished, Fawkes dropped off a simulacrum that Severus had prepared in advance to take my place."

"A simula-what?" Ron asked, echoing the looks and mutters of bewilderment from most of the rest of the audience.

"A simulacrum," Hermione replied promptly. "It is an artificial body grown from a sample of blood and tissue from a human donor; essentially, it's a clone created by magic." She gazed shrewdly at Dumbledore. "And since a clone is an exact duplicate of the original, there would have been no reason for Madam Pomfrey to suspect it wasn't you, sir."

"Exactly," Dumbledore said approvingly. "Five points to Gryffindor!"

"Miss Granger is no longer a student here," Snape reminded him. "Therefore the points are invalid."

"This simula...this clone thing, it wasn't really alive, right?" Ron asked uneasily. "I mean, you didn't have to kill it to take your place, did you?"

"Of course not, Mr. Weasley," Dumbledore assured him, while Snape sneered at the boy.

"A simulacrum is not actually a living person," he said disdainfully, then gave Hermione a sour look. "But I expect that Miss Granger can explain it to you."

Hermione grinned at him, although Snape only gave her a scowl in return. "A simulacrum is only an empty shell," she explained. "It is a copy of a human body, but it has no life of its own. The wizards who first created them were trying to find a way to become immortal, to transfer their souls into new, healthy bodies when their old ones wore out, but the magic was only halfway successful. They managed to create duplicate bodies, but could not find a way to transfer their souls, so the practice was abandoned, and eventually classified as Dark Magic and prohibited. I expect that it was something You-Know-Who looked into, and perhaps that was how the Professor became aware of it?"

Snape nodded. "However, the Dark Lord's body was utterly obliterated by the rebounded curse that resulted from his first attempt to kill Mr. Potter. But Wormtail did use some of the arts of simulacry to create him a new body from his father's bones and Mr. Potter's blood, and of course, Wormtail's own hand."

"So Fawkes deposited the false body at the foot of the tower," Dumbledore said, resuming his story. "No one thought it odd to see him in the vicinity, wailing in grief; everyone assumed that he had instinctively sensed his master's death and had come to mourn me."

The phoenix preened, looking quite pleased with himself, and Snape muttered under his breath, "Even the bird is a ham, but like master, like pet, I suppose." Fawkes chirped and nuzzled Snape affectionately, and Snape said crossly, "Stop that, you stupid bird." However, Fawkes seemed unoffended, and began to preen Snape's greasy locks with his beak, as if grooming a fellow bird.

A stifled snort escaped from Ron as he and Harry tried to hold back their laughter, and Snape shot a murderous glare their way. "It's a sign of affection," Hermione piped up helpfully. "It must mean that he's very fond of you, Professor, which is unusual, since phoenixes normally bond only to one person--when they can be tamed at all, which is of course very rare to begin with." And now Snape turned his glare on Hermione, although its effectiveness was somewhat diminished by the happily crooning phoenix still preening at his hair.

"Now, there's just one more little matter to take care of," Dumbledore said, and pulled his wand out of his pocket as he walked over to Tonks, who was standing at Remus's side, glaring at him possessively as he in turn stared yearningly at Snape, who seemed too busy trying to get Fawkes out of his hair to notice.

"Finite Incantatum," Dumbledore said, tapping Tonks gently on the top of her pink-haired head with his wand.

She suddenly blinked and looked around in confusion. "What just happened? I feel so strange, so light...like a weight has just been lifted off my shoulders."

"You were under an enchantment, my dear," Dumbledore explained. "During one of your missions, you were captured by your Aunt Bellatrix and some of the other Death Eaters. Instead of killing you, they decided to place you under an Imperius Curse and send you back into the Order's ranks as a spy. Bellatrix thought it would be amusing to degrade her half-blood niece by making her fall in love with a werewolf. And you already liked Remus as a friend, which made it easier for the spell to take hold than if she tried to make you fall in love with someone you hated, such as...ah..."

"Me," Snape supplied sourly.

Tonks giggled, already sounding much more like her usual cheery self. "Oh, I never really hated you, Professor, at least, not until I thought you had murdered the Headmaster. But I certainly never fancied you, either--no offense."

"None taken," Snape replied dryly, smoothing down his hair with one hand, as Fawkes had finally deemed him sufficiently groomed. "Lupin was chosen as your target because he was single, and due to the prejudices of wizarding society, did not exactly have a multitude of potential romantic partners lining up at his door to present themselves."

"In other words," Remus said, a little bitterly, "they thought that I would jump at the opportunity, no questions asked, when a pretty young witch expressed an interest in me. No doubt they thought I'd be pathetically grateful."

"I...I'm sorry, Remus," Tonks whispered, blushing guiltily. "I never meant to play with your feelings. I do like you a lot, but...more like a brother than a lover. But the spell had me convinced that I couldn't live without you."

"It's all right, Tonks," Remus said, taking her hand and patting it gently, the bitterness instantly draining away to be replaced by a gentle and reassuring smile. "It wasn't your fault, and to be honest, I'm more relieved than disappointed. I also think of you more like a little sister than a girlfriend. I should have made my feelings clear from the beginning, but I thought it was just a normal infatuation that would fade with time, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings. And then, after Albus died, or seemed to..." He sighed, a look of regret falling across his face. "Everyone wanted us to get together, to create at least one happy ending during a time of despair, and I fell into my old habits and caved in to peer pressure."

"Then you were never really attracted to me?" Tonks asked, sounding as if she didn't know whether to feel relieved or offended.

"It's nothing personal," Remus said with a grin. "You are a very lovely girl, but I'm just not attracted to you--or to women in general."

Tonks's mouth fell open in shock. "You mean--?"

"I'm gay," Remus confirmed cheerfully, and Tonks burst into laughter as Molly Weasley looked incredibly chagrined.

"Well, what a relief!" Tonks laughed, wrapping her arms around Remus and giving him a very sisterly and not at all romantic hug. "I hope you find a nice bloke to settle down with!"

"I hope so, too," Remus replied, glancing at Snape out of the corner of his eye; Snape turned his head, refusing to meet Remus's gaze. "But as a gay werewolf, my options are even more limited, and...I may have burned bridges behind me with...with certain people who might have been interested in me in the past."

Tonks gave him a curious look, but did not press for more information. She kissed his cheek and said, "Don't worry, Remus; you'll find the right man one day, and so will I--but now I know that it won't be you!"

Remus said lightly, "I hope so! You can be my best man--best woman?--if I get married someday..."

"And you can be my wolf of honor!" Tonks declared, and they both burst into laughter. The reactions of those around them were rather mixed. Some cheered and applauded, like Hermione and Kingsley, while others looked completely stunned by the news that Remus was gay, like Ron and Harry.

Remus gazed anxiously at Harry, who smiled at him and said, "Well, that was a bit of a shock, but I hope you'll be happy and...er...find the right bloke someday. Sorry that I tried to pressure you into getting together with Tonks." He blushed. "I really thought you'd make a good couple; I didn't know about...you know, you being gay and all."

"It's my fault, too," Remus said with a relieved smile. "I should have told you, but I was worried that it would change the way you felt about me."

"Of course not!" Harry said indignantly. "Like I said, it was a shock, but that doesn't change the fact that you're my friend. My folks knew about it, right, and they didn't care, did they?" Remus nodded. "Then neither do I!" Harry declared firmly.

And with that matter resolved, people began celebrating the end of the war and the return of Dumbledore, and also began tending to the more serious matters of treating the wounded and burying the dead.

Sirius turned off the television and sighed in relief, leaning back on the couch. He was still imprisoned in Limbo, but at least Voldemort was dead and Harry was safe. He felt like he could rest in peace now.

Except that he was still dead, and still no closer to moving on to the afterlife than he had been when he had died...he paused to count...two years ago. And he was still stuck in this damned waiting room with nothing to do but watch television and read boring magazines and fold paper airplanes that wouldn't fly.

"I can't stand it anymore!" he shouted, and Death immediately appeared.

"Change your mind yet?" she inquired.

"Shouldn't you be out there gathering up the dead souls?" Sirius asked, gesturing vaguely at the blank television screen.

"Already taken care of," Death said briskly. "I've already sent the dead on to their proper reward, including the late Lord Voldemort himself."

"And where did he go?" Sirius wanted to know, hoping that it was someplace hot, with an abundance of pitchforks, although even Hell might be too good for the evil bastard.

"He went where he needed to go," Death said, in a firm tone that indicated she wouldn't elaborate further. "The person whose fate we are currently discussing is you. Now that you know that Snape is innocent, are you finally willing to do your duty and patch up things between him and Remus?"

"Well, I admit that he didn't kill Dumbledore and that he really was working on the Order's side, but I don't know if I'd call him innocent," Sirius grumbled. "And why does it matter so much to you if the two of them get together or not? There are plenty of other people out there who haven't found their soulmates. You took Colin Creevey today, for example--now he'll never have the chance to fall in love and get married, at least not in this life. What makes Remus and Snape so special?"

To his surprise, Death's pale face turned red as she blushed. "I'm a bit of a romantic," she admitted with a sheepish smile. "And your friends have had such a long and tragic history--"

"Snape is not my friend!" Sirius protested.

"And...well, I have to admit that I have a weakness for yaoi," Death continued, still blushing.

"What on earth is 'yaoi'?" Sirius asked with a puzzled frown.

Death plucked a paperback book out of thin air and tossed it over to him in reply. Sirius opened it and began leafing through the pages; it seemed to be a comic book, and it was written in Japanese, so he couldn't read the words, but judging by the pictures, it appeared to be some kind of love story. Both the protagonists were so androgynously beautiful that he wasn't certain of their gender until they started taking off their clothes...

Sirius flung the book from him in disgust. "You're into gay porn?!" he demanded incredulously.

"It's not pornography, it's art!" Death said indignantly, picking up the book and smoothing out the pages that had gotten creased when it hit the floor. "No wonder Remus was afraid to tell you that he was gay back in school, if he suspected that you were going to react this way!"

"I didn't say that there was anything wrong with being gay!" Sirius defended himself. "But that doesn't mean that I want to look at pictures of two guys having sex! If Remus is gay, that's fine, and I'd like to see him be happy! But I don't understand why he can't be happy with someone like Kingsley Shacklebolt or Charlie Weasley instead of Snape!"

"Well, for one thing, both Kingsley and Charlie are heterosexual," Death replied. "Charlie is dating a lovely Romanian witch, and Kingsley has always had his eye on Tonks, which is why he was so happy to find out that Remus is gay." She grinned widely.

"Kingsley has a thing for Tonks?" Sirius exclaimed. "I didn't know that!"

"You never paid enough attention to the people around you, or you might have noticed that before," Death chided. "Although to be fair, he kept his feelings well hidden, because he thought he was too old for her. But now that the war's over, I don't think he'll waste this second chance that's been given to him. But getting back to Remus, it still wouldn't matter if Kingsley and Charlie were gay, because they're not his soulmates; Snape is."

"They're really meant to be together?" Sirius asked plaintively, but from the way Remus had been looking at Snape tonight, he already knew the answer, even though he didn't like it very much.

"Yes, Sirius," Death replied patiently, like a mother explaining the obvious to a very young child. "You do want Remus to be happy, don't you?"

"Yes," Sirius sighed. "I just wish it could be with someone other than Snape."

"Well, that's the way it is," Death said firmly. "It's Snape or nobody. So are you going to cooperate or not?"

"All right," Sirius said sullenly. "If that's the only way I can get out of this damned room, I guess I haven't got a choice."

Death frowned at him disapprovingly. "You know, I was just going to send you back as a ghost, but since you're being so ungracious about the whole thing, I think I'll get a little more creative."

"I've already agreed to do what you want," Sirius complained. "I don't know how much more gracious I'm supposed to get."

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy this," Death said with a wicked smile worthy of Snape, and rubbed her hands together gleefully.

Sirius suddenly had a sinking feeling that he'd just made a very big mistake. "Uh, wait a minute, let's talk this over. I can be gracious--"

But it was too late. Death made a quick gesture with her hand, and Sirius found himself caught in the middle of glittering whirlwind of magic--literally glittering. It was like a Muggle girl's daydream of what magic would be like: dancing, sparkling motes of light that looked nothing like the spells cast by real wizards. Although it did look a bit like fairy magic...

Then the glittering lights died away and Sirius looked cautiously down at himself. At first, nothing appeared to be different except that he was clad in a dress robe made of dark blue velvet; a bit fancier than what he normally wore, but there was nothing wrong with it--except that the sleeves and hem and collar were edged with frilly ruffles and lace.

"This is a woman's robe!" he said accusingly.

"It's proper attire for your new role," Death said sweetly.

"What are you talking about?" Sirius demanded, but was distracted by an itching sensation between his shoulder blades. He reached behind himself to scratch that spot when his fingers brushed against something smooth and soft that triggered another odd sensation--like fingers touching his bare skin, except that his hand had not yet reached his back, which was in any case, covered by the frilly robe. He turned his head, trying to look behind him, and caught a glimpse of filmy, transparent purple butterfly wings--that is, if the butterfly happened to be about six feet tall.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!" Sirius shrieked.

"Now, just calm down, Sirius," Death said soothingly, but her eyes were sparkling with glee, and it was obvious that she was thoroughly enjoying herself. She snapped her fingers, and a full-length mirror appeared in the middle of the room. "Here, take a look. It's very nice work I did, if I do say so myself."

Filled with dread, Sirius slowly turned to gaze at his reflection in the mirror, and saw himself clad in the frilly robe, with purple butterfly wings growing out of his back. He experimentally twitched his shoulders and felt them flutter; there seemed to be two slits in the back of the robe to accommodate the wings, although it still seemed like it would be nearly impossible to push the large, gauzy, and fragile-looking appendages through them. Then again, it wasn't as if he had donned the robe in the normal fashion; it had been conjured up by Death's magic.

He was so preoccupied with the wings that it took him a minute to notice the shiny little glass tiara sitting on his head. "I am going to kill you," he said through gritted teeth.

"No can do," Death informed him cheerily. "It's impossible to kill Death. Well, technically I can die, but only when I take mortal form for one day out of every hundred years, and today is not that day." She sighed. "Too bad, though. It was fun being alive and eating hot dogs and riding in a taxi and listening to music. The dying part wasn't as much fun, but it's dying that makes life worth living."

"Forget the existentialist crap!" Sirius shouted. "I want to know what you've done to me!"

"Why, isn't it obvious?" Death replied. "Oops, I forgot one thing!" Another snap of her fingers, and Sirius found himself holding a wand topped with a shiny silver star. "There you go--you're a fairy godmother!" Sirius recoiled in horror, frantically grabbing at his crotch, and was relieved to find that everything still seemed to be in the right place. Death grinned and added, "Well, to be accurate, I guess I should say that you're a fairy godfather. And you're going to make Severus's and Remus's greatest wish come true."

Sirius scowled at his wand, which looked more like a Muggle child's toy than a proper wizard's wand. "I don't suppose that I can turn you into a frog with this thing?"

"Nope," Death replied. "So don't even think about it. You can work fairy magic--turn pumpkins into carriages, rags into beautiful dresses, mice into footmen and that sort of thing, but it will all wear off at the stroke of midnight. Oh, and you won't be able to communicate directly with any living people, although you can influence their thoughts indirectly. You'll find that it's easiest to do this through their dreams while they're sleeping, since that's when most people let down their subconscious barriers. Plus, my brother, the Lord of Dreams, has agreed to let me meddle in his realm a little, as a personal favor to me and since he's something of a romantic himself. Severus is skilled in Legilimency, so you might actually be able to reach him while he's awake, although on the other hand, his talent for Occlumency might block you out." She shrugged. "Well, you'll just have to experiment for yourself and see what works."

"Wait," Sirius begged, throwing away his pride. "I'll do what you want; I'll get Sniv--I mean, Snape and Remus back together; just take away these wings and this stupid fairy godmother outfit!"

"Off with you," Death said dismissively, snapping her fingers, and the waiting room vanished.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sirius found himself standing alone in one of the corridors at Hogwarts; Death was nowhere in sight. "Well, at least I'm finally free of that damned waiting room," he sighed. The next order of business was to see if he could rid himself of this stupid costume. He tried to Transfigure it with the silly-looking wand, but it did nothing but issue a spray of pretty but useless glittering sparks. Disgusted, he grabbed hold of the ruffled hem and yanked viciously at it. With a great deal of effort, he managed to tear off all the lace and ruffles, although much of the cloth came away with it, leaving his chest bare, and the sleeves and hem several inches shorter. The discarded scraps of cloth dissolved into a cloud of glitter and vanished. However, the damned tiara stuck to his head as if glued there, and would not budge. As for the wings, predictably, the wand was useless, and when he tentatively tugged at one wing with his hand, he felt a sharp twinge that made it clear that trying to rip it off would be as painful as tearing off his arm or leg.

"I guess I should feel lucky that living people can't see me," Sirius muttered to himself. "Snivellus would laugh his head off if he could see me like this."

Just then, Nearly Headless Nick happened to drift by and did a double-take when he spotted Sirius. "Oh my!" he exclaimed. "It's Sirius Black, isn't it? I haven't seen you since you were, well..."

"Alive?" Sirius supplied, a bit sarcastically.

"I was going to say 'since you were a student,' but yes, that too," Nick replied. "Although..." He tried to fight back a snicker, and failed miserably. "You've...ah...changed quite a bit since I last saw you, and it's not just due to age or your death. In fact, I've never met such a...unique...sort of spirit."

"This is what happens when you piss off Death," Sirius said sourly.

"I didn't anger the Lady, though she seemed saddened when I refused to come with her," Nick said regretfully. "I see now that it must have been out of compassion, because she knew that I was condemning myself to this half-life, where I am neither truly dead nor truly alive. If I could see her again...I think I would go with her this time."

"Well, I'll put in a good word for you when next I see her," Sirius said uncomfortably. Nick had always seemed so cheerful when Sirius had been a student that it had never occurred to him that the Gryffindor ghost might be unhappy in his present state. Death would probably say that it was because he never stopped to think; Remus had often said the same thing, sometimes with amusement, other times with exasperation, and once, after the prank, with genuine anger. "On the other hand, you might not want your name associated with me," Sirius sighed. "I'm not exactly her favorite person at the moment."

"You're only here temporarily, then?" Nick asked.

"Yes, I sort of have a special mission to complete," Sirius said, grimacing at the thought. "Unfinished business, she said."

"You're very privileged, then," Nick said enviously. "It isn't often that Lady Death allows a spirit to return for such a purpose."

"Well, believe me, I'd rather not be here," Sirius grumbled. "But she won't let me move on until I complete my mission."

"Might I inquire as to the purpose of your mission?" Nick asked curiously. "As long as you aren't sworn to secrecy, of course. Perhaps I can be of assistance."

Sirius flushed. "Well, you see, I sort of caused Snape and my friend Remus to quarrel when we were all students here, and that broke up their, um, friendship. So now I have to set things right before Death will let me go on to the afterlife."

"Oh, I see," Nick said knowingly. "They're still carrying a torch for each other after all these years, then? I had assumed that it was just a typical teenage crush, but I guess it must be true love after all, if Lady Death granted a special exception for your mission."

"You knew?!" an utterly shocked Sirius exclaimed. "About Snape and Remus, I mean!"

"We ghosts see quite a bit more than the students and even the teachers realize," Nick said with a slightly patronizing smile. "It's easy enough when we can turn transparent and move through walls, and to be quite frank, there's not much else to do around here. You have no idea how many things I've seen that would cause a great scandal were they to become public knowledge in the world of the living." He smiled slyly. "You'd be surprised at the amount of action going on in the teachers' quarters; bet you never thought about them having private lives when you were a boy, eh?"

Sirius was trying very hard not to think about it; the idea of say, Dumbledore or McGonagall getting some "action" made him feel rather ill. "The only sort of 'action' I care about is getting Snape and Remus back together," he said sullenly. "I don't think the greasy git is good enough for my friend, but Death insists that they're lifemates and they have to be together or they'll never find happiness."

"Then fate is already working in your favor, Sirius!" Nick declared cheerfully. "Professor Snape has been officially exonerated by the Ministry, and has resumed his old position as Potions Master--he had to take a demotion since Albus is Headmaster once again, of course, but he doesn't seem to mind. And Albus has hired Professor Lupin back as the Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, so both he and Professor Snape are now in close proximity."

"That does make things a lot easier for me," Sirius agreed, feeling a bit relieved. "I was afraid I'd have to find some way to drag Snape out of the castle, or a way to bring Remus here. If they're both living under the same roof and they're still in love with each other as Death claims, they'll just need a little nudge in the right direction to get back together.
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Of course it couldn't possibly be that simple, Sirius realized later.

Thinking that a romantic gesture might set things in motion, he conjured up a bouquet of flowers and placed it in Snape's quarters, along with a card saying that it was from Remus, and delivered an identical bouquet to Remus with a card from Snape.

But instead of being happy, Remus was bewildered and suspicious. "Severus would never send me flowers," he said to himself as he examined the card. "But who would do such a thing? No one living knows about my feelings for Severus. Well, Albus might have guessed, but he'd never play such a cruel prank."

"It's not a prank, Moony!" Sirius said indignantly. "I'm trying to help you get back together with the greasy git! Show a little gratitude!"

But Remus just laughed ruefully and shook his head, "And now I'm talking to myself! It's the stress of the war, I suppose." He cast several detection spells on the card and flowers, and was puzzled when they registered fairy magic. "I suppose it could just be a mischievous fairy playing a prank, but I didn't think that there were any loose in the castle," he murmured to himself. He dispelled the flowers, shrugged off the incident, and headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

Along the way, he was stopped by a furious Snape, who lashed out at him about the "moronic prank" he had played. "Just like the old days, I suppose, Lupin?" he sneered, then poked Remus in the chest with his wand threateningly. "Just remember, Potter senior and Black aren't here to defend you, and you're no match for me one on one. But of course you already knew that, since the lot of you were afraid to come after me alone back in school."

"Severus, I have no idea what you're talking about," Remus said.

"Oh, playing innocent again, are we?" Snape retorted. "I suppose you know nothing about the flowers that mysteriously appeared in my room this morning."

"No, I don't," Remus said. "Listen, Severus, I think we're both victims of the same prankster--I got a bouquet of flowers, too--"

"How stupid do you think I am, Lupin?" Snape interrupted. "I have to say, it's a new low even for you, mocking me with those flowers and that romantic note. You'd be better off expending your energy on courting Miss Tonks--oh wait, she doesn't want you anymore now that she's not under an Imperius. The new Minister of Magic is much more her style, it seems."

"I am not mocking you, Severus," Remus said, a hint of impatience sharpening his voice.

"Then you're saying that you didn't send me those flowers?" Snape asked disbelievingly.

"That's what I've been saying all along!" Remus shouted in exasperation--a tone Sirius had heard often enough in the past. "I'd never do such a thing!"

Snape's face suddenly went pale, and his lips pressed together tightly in a thin line. "Of course not," he said in a clipped voice. "It would be foolish to think that you would ever want to send flowers to me."

"Severus, that's not what I meant!" Remus protested, but Snape turned on his heel and marched off down the corridor without another word. "I only meant that I would never mock you," he finished in a small, sad voice, then followed after Snape, his shoulders slumped and head bowed with despair. And for the first time, Sirius truly began to feel bad about the prank he had pulled years ago--not so much because Snape didn't deserve it, but because he had never meant to hurt Remus so badly. He sighed heavily. He'd meant to protect Remus by chasing Snape away from his friend; how was he supposed to have guessed that Moony and the greasy git were lifemates?

"Well, that didn't go so well," Nick observed.

"I'll do better next time," Sirius said defensively. "I went a little overboard. I forgot how paranoid Snape is, and nobody in their right mind would believe that Snape would send them flowers. I'll try to make things look a bit more natural next time. Let's see...how about a happy accident?"

He decided to wait until tomorrow to set his new plan in motion, in order to give Snape time to cool down a little. In the meantime he began to experiment with his new fairy powers. He could move through walls like the ghosts could, although he wasn't sure if this was a fairy power or if it was because he was dead. He could Apparate like the house-elves did, despite the anti-Apparation wards on the school, but he couldn't go beyond the castle grounds; again, he wasn't sure whether this was due to a natural limitation on fairy magic or if it was something Death had imposed on him to make sure he didn't stray from his mission. The ghosts could see him, of course, but none of the humans could, and curiously, neither could the portraits.

"Perhaps it's because they were never really alive," Nick suggested. "You're more of a ghost than a fairy, actually, so I think that only those who have been touched by Lady Death's hand can see you."

Or maybe not. Peeves was a poltergeist rather than a ghost, but he had no trouble seeing Sirius; he promptly burst into laughter at the sight of him. "Oh, what a pretty fairy you make!" he taunted.

"Get out of here, Peeves," Sirius growled. He pointed his wand at the poltergeist and attempted to cast a small hex to send him on his way. Instead, a stream of glitter and flower petals issued forth from the wand, causing Peeves to laugh even harder.

"Fairy's not so scary," he crooned mockingly. "Airy hairy fairy--"

"Begone with you, Peeves, or I'll call for the Bloody Baron!" Nick threatened.

Peeves blew a raspberry in their direction, but promptly vanished after that.

"Thanks, Sir Nick," Sirius said gratefully, then scowled at his wand. "Bloody useless thing."

Continuing with his experimentation, Sirius confirmed that the wand couldn't cast any offensive spells. He could conjure up flowers and candy and pretty illusions, but that was about it. Those pretty butterfly wings were actually functional, though, much to his surprise, and with their aid, he could fly along the corridors with Nick although he felt incredibly stupid.

"This is so embarrassing," he groaned.

"Not quite as embarrassing as being denied a place in the Headless Hunt just because one's head is only nearly severed instead of completely cut off," Nick said. "Bloody incompetent executioner."

They commiserated for quite awhile about how unfair life--or rather, death--was. (And in Sirius's case, the reason behind his current misery was Death with a capital "D".)
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He spent half of the next day fluttering after a depressed Remus, waiting for an opportunity to carry out his plan. Finally he sent Nick to herd Snape in the right direction with a report that some students were throwing dungbombs at each other. Snape hurried down the corridor, wand drawn, intent upon punishing the (nonexistent) miscreants, and passed right below the staircase that Remus was descending.

Praying that the stupid wand would work for once, Sirius conjured up a banana peel beneath Remus's feet, murmuring, "Sorry, Moony, but it's for your own good." As planned, Remus slipped on the peel and tumbled down the staircase as a startled Snape looked up when he heard Remus cry out.

He was supposed to literally fall into Snape's arms, and the sight of his lifemate in danger would hopefully override Snape's hostility and arouse his concern long enough to safely catch Remus. And once they were in each other's arms, well, surely chemistry and true love and twenty years' worth of suppressed lust (Sirius tried not to think too hard about that one) would do the rest, right? At least, that was how it had worked in a book he'd read once.

Except that Remus hit Snape with a little too much force, knocking him over flat on his back, and the Potions Master's body hit the floor with a very painful-sounding crash that made Sirius wince.

"Oh dear, I hope he didn't break any bones," Nick said.

"LUPIN!" Snape roared. "Are you trying to kill me--again?!"

"I'm so sorry, Severus!" Remus exclaimed. "There was something on the staircase and I just slipped--are you all right?"

"No, I am not all right, you stupid werewolf!" Snape spat. "Get off of me!"

"Oh, sorry," Remus said, hastily scrambling to his feet and offering Snape a hand up.

Snape slapped it away and snarled, "What's the matter, you couldn't wait for the full moon, so you decided to kill me by breaking my neck instead of ripping my throat out?"

"It was an accident!" Remus said, looking very hurt. "Surely you don't think that I fell on you on purpose?"

Snape slowly rose to his feet and made a show of dusting off his robes. "You did try to kill me once before, Lupin. It is certainly within the realm of possibility that you might want to finish the job you botched in the past."

"So you think I'd throw myself down a staircase and risk breaking my own neck?!" Remus shouted. "Where's the logic in that?!" Sirius winced again. Once again, that tone of voice was familiar to him, the one Remus used when his considerable patience was stretched to the breaking point and he finally lost his temper. Sirius was the usually the only one who could push him that far, but it seemed that Snape had that particular talent, too.

"I have learned not to expect logic from moronic Gryffindors!" Snape retorted.

"I have apologized over and over for that incident, even though I had no conscious part in it!" Remus shouted. "And I have apologized many times for things that I did do wrong, for not doing my duty as a prefect when James and Sirius hexed you! And while we're talking about apologies and wrongdoings, let me remind you that you got me fired from my job here four years ago, but I forgave you for that!"

"I have nothing to apologize for, so I don't need your forgiveness!" Snape shouted back. "You forgot to take your potion! You were a danger to the students!"

"And I apologized for that, too!" Remus screamed. "But I'm done, Severus! I'm done with apologizing, just to have my apologies thrown back in my face! Nothing I do will ever make you forgive me, so why should I bother?!" Tears filled his eyes and he whispered, "We might have found happiness together, if you could have let go of your bitterness long enough to try." Then he turned and ran off down the corridor without waiting for a reply.

At first, Sirius wasn't sure that Snape had heard him, but then the Potions Master said in a quiet voice filled with bitterness and regret, "Your friends would never have let that happen, Lupin." And then he turned and walked off in the opposite direction.

Sirius was filled with a very unpleasant and alien emotion that he couldn't immediately identify, but after several long moments of brooding silence, he finally realized what it was: shame. Snape's words made him feel small and petty and ashamed, like he'd kept Snape and Remus apart out of spite, like he'd deliberately tried to stand in the way of his best friend's happiness.

Well, isn't that exactly what you did? his conscience asked, sounding an awful lot like Death.

"I didn't mean to," Sirius whispered. "I never meant to hurt him. Not on purpose."

Nick gave him a curious look and said, "Well, your plan didn't quite work out, but..."

"That is the understatement of the year, Nick," Sirius said morosely.

"But you can always try again," Nick said encouragingly. "Let's face it--Snape turned out to be a decent man at heart, but he's still a stubborn bastard. Surely you didn't really think that you were going to get through to him on the first or second try."

Well, actually Sirius had, but Nick was right. He should've known that it wouldn't be that easy.

"But maybe on the third or fourth or fifth try..." Nick continued.

"Is that supposed to be encouraging?" Sirius asked sarcastically, but his spirits lifted a bit, and the corners of his mouth quirked up in a smile. "All right," he said determinedly. "Snape may be a stubborn git, but I'll show him that I can be even more stubborn!"

"That's the spirit!" Nick said brightly. "Er...no pun intended."

Part 3, Part 4, Part 5
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Afterword: While reading HBP, I was convinced right up until the funeral scene that Dumbledore was faking his death so that Snape could prove his loyalty to Voldemort. Alas, I was wrong, but it was fun creating my own little fantasy of how I thought Book 7 should have ended. ^_^

I took a few liberties with the character of Death--she doesn't normally allow the dead to come back to deal with unfinished business, and I don't think it's ever mentioned that she reads manga, let alone yaoi manga, but I sort of feel like she's the type who would enjoy reading yaoi. (And enjoy teasing Sirius a bit with it, too!)

And there's a little nod to snegurochka_lee's The Blue Door in the line "Charlie is dating a lovely Romanian witch". I picked Kingsley and Charlie as Sirius's suggested alternative love interests for Lupin, as they appear to be single and unattached in the books, and I just couldn't resist throwing in the reference to Marina, Charlie's wife in The Blue Door, because she is such an awesome OC that it almost feels like they ought to be a canon couple.

Oh, and I almost forgot, the concept of the simulacrum comes from the Dungeons and Dragons game, though I tweaked it a bit to suit my needs.

Anyhow, I apologize once again for the cliffhanger ending, and I'll try to finish the story over the long weekend. (It's President's Day weekend in the US, which means I get a holiday from work and some extra time to write!)