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FIC: Unmasked, Part 12 of 25
Title: Unmasked, Part 12 of 25
Rating: NC-17 overall
Fandom: Haru wo Daiteita (Embracing Love)
Pairing: Kikuchi/Onozuka, Miyasaka/Onozuka, Iwaki/Katou
Characters: Onozuka, Iwaki, Katou
Disclaimer: No money is being made off this story; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part.
Word count: ~8,550
Sequel to: Unexpected Opportunities, Comeback (Part 1 and Part 2), Forgiveness, Firsts, First Date (Part 1 and Part 2), Going Steady (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6), Audition (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), Cookout (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), Press Conference (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), Sanctuary, The Prince vs. the Groupie (Part 1, Part 2), Family Visit: Tokyo (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5), Gigolo (Part 1, Part 2), Yoshizumi's Night Out (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), Family Visit: Okinawa (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5), and Interlude. The series also includes two side-stories that are outside of the main timeline: Valentine's Day Surprise and Strictly Business.
Summary: Onozuka gets some advice from Iwaki and Katou, but finds his stay at their house far from restful.
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11
***
Onozuka evaded several more of Kikuchi's attempts to talk to him alone, and deleted two more e-mail apologies before the day was over. Miyasaka left a couple of frantic messages asking if he was all right, and then a third, more resigned message saying that he would give Onozuka some space, but to please think over what they'd talked about this morning. Onozuka wondered if Iwaki, or maybe Katou had advised Miyasaka to leave him alone for now. Part of him was grateful, and part of him was annoyed that Iwaki was meddling in his affairs.
It was exhausting trying to avoid Kikuchi, while at the same time, trying to act normally around the cast and crew so that they didn't get suspicious. He was relieved when he finally finished work and was able to leave the studio, and he caught a cab over to Iwaki and Katou's place.
A polite guest didn't show up without a gift, so he stopped along the way to pick up a bottle of wine, which Iwaki accepted with a gracious "Thank you very much, Onozuka-kun."
"You're welcome," Onozuka replied, glancing around the room. "Where's Katou? Is he still at work?"
Iwaki smiled and shook his head. "I sent him out to pick up dinner so that we could have a chance to talk in private."
"Still playing the role of my big brother, Iwaki-san?" Onozuka asked. It came out sounding more sarcastic than playful, but Iwaki didn't take any offense.
"Just trying to return a favor to a friend," Iwaki chuckled, and Onozuka gave up his halfhearted attempt to bait Iwaki. He still needed the advice, after all, even if he didn't particularly like the giver of that advice.
He wasn't quite sure where to start, though, and there was an awkward silence as he tried to figure out what to say, and how much of the situation he needed to explain to Iwaki.
The older man smiled at him sympathetically and suggested, "Why don't we go talk in the kitchen? You can help me fix a salad to go with dinner."
A few minutes later, Onozuka found himself slicing vegetables while Iwaki set the table. The repetitive chopping motions helped to calm his nerves--which was perhaps what Iwaki had intended. Onozuka knew that he ought to be grateful for the other man's consideration, but it was also yet another sign of Iwaki's perfection, and he couldn't help being a little irked by it.
"Miyasaka-kun told Katou what happened last night," Iwaki said. "From what I understand, Miyasaka-kun...ah...accidentally walked in on you and Kikuchi-san in the bedroom." Only the faintest hint of a stress on "accidentally" indicated that Iwaki knew, or perhaps had just guessed that it hadn't been an accident after all, and Onozuka flushed slightly and nodded. "And that caused Miyasaka-kun to realize that he was attracted to you, and he realized in hindsight that he's been jealous of Kikuchi-san all along," Iwaki continued, and Onozuka nodded again. "Also, Kikuchi-san told you that he wants a serious relationship with you, even though you had believed that he only wanted a casual relationship up until now."
"That about sums it up," Onozuka sighed. That was a bare-bones version of last night's events, but Iwaki was probably being tactful by leaving out the more embarrassing details--or maybe Miyasaka was the one who had been too embarrassed to tell Iwaki and Katou the entire story. It didn't really matter, since Iwaki clearly understood the gist of the situation, and Onozuka wasn't about to divulge that he'd originally set up the evening to make Kikuchi jealous, or that he had nearly ended up having sex with Miyasaka last night.
"Both Miyasaka-kun and Kikuchi-san have made it clear what they want," Iwaki said. "The real question is: what do you want, Onozuka-kun?"
"I...I don't know," Onozuka admitted. "I like Kikuchi-san a lot, or I did before I found out that he lied to me, but I didn't really think of it as something serious. I thought we were just having a good time."
Iwaki gave Onozuka a skeptical look and replied, "Didn't you tell Katou and Miyasaka that you were madly in love with Kikuchi-san at the cookout?"
Onozuka managed a smile and said lightly, "Well, perhaps I exaggerated a little bit in order to tease Katou."
"Well, Kikuchi-san told me that he was crazy about you," Iwaki said. "He said that was why he agreed to come to the cookout, because he thought it was important to meet your friends, and I believed him. I think he really is serious about you, Onozuka-kun--in case you were doubting that."
He had been, a little. Kikuchi was such a schemer that there was always the possibility that this was merely just another one of his complicated schemes, although the emotion he'd shown last night had certainly seemed to be real. Onozuka wasn't quite sure whether he wanted Kikuchi's words to be a lie or the truth: to be a toy that Kikuchi manipulated for his own pleasure, or for such a scheming, intense, complicated, and dangerous man to actually be in love with him, and all the risks that would entail...
Onozuka's hand trembled slightly, and he took a deep breath to steady himself, then concentrated intently on cutting a cucumber into paper-thin slices. "I don't really know how I feel about Kikuchi-san," he hedged. "He kind of took me by surprise last night."
"All right, why don't we discuss Miyasaka-kun, then?" Iwaki suggested. "Do you think that you could ever see him as more than a friend?"
"No!" Onozuka replied emphatically, slamming the knife through the cucumber so hard that it left a shallow gouge on the cutting board.
"Are you sure?" Iwaki persisted calmly. "I know that you don't have a problem with being attracted to men, and I know that you care about him deeply."
"As a friend," Onozuka said curtly. He finished slicing the cucumber, but the remaining pieces came out a bit jagged and uneven. He dumped them in the salad bowl and moved on to the tomatoes.
Iwaki fixed him with a more penetrating look and repeated, "Are you sure? It seems to me that you get a little jealous when Miyasaka-kun pays too much attention to other people, and that you enjoyed flaunting your relationship with Kikuchi-san in order to make him jealous in turn."
"I think you're imagining things, Iwaki-san," Onozuka said coolly, but his face gave him away by turning as red as the tomato he was slicing.
"Am I?" Iwaki replied. "I know that you don't like to show it openly, but you love both Katou and Miyasaka-kun, don't you?" He smiled kindly at Onozuka, but his expression grew a bit more fierce and possessive as he added, "Although of course you would never make a move on Katou because he belongs to me."
It wasn't quite a warning, but it was more than a mere statement of fact. So Iwaki can get jealous, too, Onozuka noted with interest, and that moment of detachment allowed him to regain control of his emotions. "Of course," he replied pleasantly. "I'm not like Miyasaka. And anyway, my feelings for Katou are strictly platonic."
Iwaki chose not to challenge his statement and continued, "I know that you would never consider trying to come between me and Katou, but Miyasaka-kun is single. He's an attractive young man and the two of you have a deep affection for each other. Hypothetically speaking, if you weren't involved with Kikuchi-san, would you have taken Miyasaka-kun's, er, proposition more seriously?"
Onozuka hesitated, remembering the way that Miyasaka had looked at him last night, with a focused, single-minded desire, as if no one else in the world existed at that moment. What if Miyasaka had looked at him that way of his own volition, without being enflamed by jealousy over Kikuchi...? That thought filled Onozuka with a sense of wistful longing before common sense reasserted itself and reminded him of all the logical objections that still remained.
"But the point is that I am involved with Kikuchi-san, and I don't think that Miyasaka really wants me," Onozuka retorted sharply. "It's just a case of envy, of the grass being greener on the other side. I'm not interested in joining his stable of casual affairs, to become some toy to be discarded when he's tired of playing with me."
"I don't believe that he thinks of you as a toy," Iwaki objected. "But I do understand your concerns. I'm not sure myself if what Miyasaka-kun feels is actually love, or if he's just mistaking lust for love. The fact that he does love you as a friend probably complicates matters and makes it difficult to separate the two."
"That's all it is," Onozuka said, more dismissively than he felt. "Friendship combined with lust, and he's mistaken it for love. He'll get over it once his hormones cool down. Besides, it could never work, even if he did love me--he has all those hang-ups about who's 'the man' or 'the woman' in a relationship."
"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" Iwaki asked dryly, and Onozuka glared at him, slicing through the tomato with much more force than was necessary.
"Miyasaka is the one who needs convincing, not me!" he snarled.
Iwaki gave him a skeptical look. "I don't think that you're being completely honest with yourself about either Miyasaka-kun or Kikuchi-san. If you're confused and need some time to think things over and sort out your emotions, that's fine. But you're not going to be able to convince them that you're not in love with them if you don't fully believe it yourself."
"I'm not in love with either of them!" Onozuka shouted.
"I think that the two of us are a lot alike, in some ways," Iwaki said gently, giving him a compassionate look.
"I'm nothing like you!" Onozuka snapped contemptuously, but Iwaki seemed unoffended by his rudeness.
"We're both closed off and self-reliant," Iwaki persisted in that gentle voice. "It's easier to push people away than allow them to get too close and take the risk of getting hurt."
"Don't project your hang-ups onto me, Iwaki-san!" Onozuka retorted.
"You've been dating Kikuchi-san for awhile now," Iwaki continued, refusing to be deterred. "You're risking a homosexual scandal that could tarnish your princely image, something you've never done before. And you haven't just slept with him--you've introduced him to the people you trust most, Katou and Miyasaka-kun. Can you really say that it's just a fling and you don't care about him?"
Onozuka's hand trembled slightly, and he gritted his teeth and concentrated on cutting the tomato into neat, even wedges. "It's a matter of convenience, that's all," he said stubbornly. "I enjoy his company and he's good in bed, and I was tired of living like a monk. There's less risk of discovery if I'm only sleeping with one person than if I'm sleeping with a different guy every night."
"I tried to tell myself that what Katou and I had was just sex," Iwaki said quietly. "I was afraid to let myself care about him because I couldn't believe that he really loved me and that he wouldn't leave me someday. I pushed him away and I hurt him a lot--and for no reason." He smiled sadly, but with a bit of nostalgic affection. "Because the truth is that I wouldn't have feared being hurt if I didn't care about him, so by the time I told myself that I couldn't let myself fall in love with him, it was already too late. Are you sure that you aren't trying to push both Kikuchi-san and Miyasaka-kun away from you because you're afraid of being hurt, Onozuka-kun?"
"No!" Onozuka shouted desperately.
"I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I made, Onozuka-kun," Iwaki said earnestly. "I was lucky that Katou was very stubborn and refused to give up on me no matter how much I pushed him away or how cold I was towards him. Have you thought through what will happen if you continue to reject Miyasaka-kun and Kikuchi-san?"
"That's why I'm trying to get Miyasaka to come to his senses!" Onozuka said in frustration. "Having sex could ruin our friendship, and that's why I can't give in to his horndog impulses!"
"You and Miyasaka-kun have a very strong friendship, and I think the two of you will be able to get through this no matter what you decide, although things might be awkward and painful for awhile," Iwaki replied. "But what about Kikuchi-san? Have you thought about what will happen if the two of you break up? Will the two of you still be able to be friends?" Iwaki sounded doubtful about that possibility. "If not, the two of you probably won't see each other again, unless your paths cross during work. Will you be all right with letting him go and maybe seeing him date other people?"
The thought of losing Kikuchi permanently, of never seeing him again--or worse, seeing him with someone else--filled Onozuka with a blinding sense of terror, and he came within an inch of chopping off his fingers as the knife slammed down on the cutting board.
"Whoa!" Iwaki cried in alarm. "Onozuka-kun, I think you'd better take a break." He took the knife from Onozuka's hand and set it aside, then gently but firmly grabbed Onozuka by the shoulders and steered him into a seat at the kitchen table.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit," Onozuka muttered over and over again, his body trembling as his mind tried to reject the realization that he was in way too deep to just let Kikuchi go, even hypothetically.
"Here," he heard Iwaki say, and felt a glass being pressed into his hands. Onozuka lifted it to his lips, with Iwaki's hands supporting his own, because they were trembling too violently to hold the glass steady. He gulped down the contents, which burned a trail down his throat and into his stomach, and brought tears to his eyes. "What the hell was that?" he coughed. "It's even stronger than awamori!"
"I'm not exactly sure," Iwaki replied. "It was a gift from one of Katou's directors--some sort of homemade liquor brewed by the locals in his hometown. We save it for when we need a really stiff drink, and it seemed like you needed it, Onozuka-kun."
"Yeah, I did," Onozuka admitted; the shock of the alcohol hitting his system had at least stilled the trembling. "Thanks."
"Well, it may have been upsetting, but at least you've figured out one thing," Iwaki told him. "You care about Kikuchi-san enough that you don't want to lose him."
"I'm not...I don't...I can't be in love with him," Onozuka insisted, his words coming out as more of a desperate plea than a factual statement.
Iwaki just smiled at him a little sadly and shook his head, saying, "Feelings don't disappear just because you want them to. Believe me, I've tried that and it doesn't work. I can't tell you what to do, Onozuka-kun, but please think things over very carefully before you make any irrevocable decisions." He gave Onozuka a very intent and earnest look. "Be careful that you don't throw away what's most precious to you."
"I just can't do this," Onozuka whispered, propping his elbows up on the table and burying his head in his hands. "I don't want to lose him, but I don't think that I can be with him, either."
Iwaki placed a gentle hand on Onozuka's shoulder, and asked, "Why? What's the worst that could happen?"
Onozuka noticed that Iwaki didn't ask which "him" he was referring to, but he supposed that it was obvious. "He might..." Onozuka's voice trailed off and he bit his lip, unable to finish the rest of the sentence. What could he say that wouldn't sound trite and foolish: "He might really love me, but that doesn't mean things will work out between us"? "He might be lying and is actually plotting to make a fool out of me"? He would feel like an idiot and a coward if he admitted that he was afraid of a little rejection.
"Why couldn't he just leave things the way they were?" Onozuka groaned out loud.
"Maybe Kikuchi-san had his own fears, too," Iwaki pointed out. "Maybe he wanted a commitment because he was afraid of losing you. Maybe he was worried that if the relationship remained casual, you might leave him for another man someday. Someone like Miyasaka-kun, maybe?"
Onozuka hadn't thought of it that way--Kikuchi had an air of confidence bordering on arrogance, and it was difficult to picture him being insecure about a lover. On the other hand, he did seem to have an irrational jealousy over Miyasaka and Katou--although Onozuka had to admit now that maybe it wasn't as irrational as he had first assumed.
"I don't know," Onozuka muttered. "I just found out that he's been lying to me and sneaking around behind my back, so how can I trust anything he says?"
"Sneaking around?" Iwaki asked, looking startled. "He's been seeing other men?"
"No, that's not what I meant," Onozuka replied. "He was sneaking around gathering information about me behind my back. He found out that I was part of the Nakata family long before that tabloid story broke, but he never let on that he knew. I only figured it out when he didn't act as surprised as he should have been when the news finally became public. And he lied to me--he let me think that he only wanted a casual relationship, but now he says he was serious all along."
"Ah, I see," Iwaki said thoughtfully. "Well, I don't blame you for being angry at him. Personally, I think that honesty is very important in a relationship, and if the two of you decide to stay together, that's something that you'll need to work on." Onozuka frowned, because despite the vague wording, he had the impression that Iwaki was referring to him as much as he was to Kikuchi. Iwaki smiled pleasantly at him and continued, "However, as unethical as Kikuchi-san's actions might be, they do seem to support his claim that he's serious about you. After all, I doubt that he would do such intensive research about someone that he didn't really care about."
Onozuka stared down into the empty glass, not sure whether he wanted Iwaki to be proven right or wrong. If Kikuchi was just using him, then Onozuka could dump him with a clear conscience, which would make his life much simpler. Except that he didn't want to give Kikuchi up, and just thinking about it made him start to feel panicky again, so he tried not to think about it--without much success.
"I believe that you're afraid of the same thing I was afraid of," Iwaki said gently. "You're afraid that someday he might break up with you, so you're thinking that maybe it's better to cut things off now and reject him before he rejects you. But the result is the same either way--you'll end up alone. So rather than just giving up, isn't it worth taking the chance that you could find happiness together?"
"I'm not you, and I'm not afraid!" Onozuka snapped.
***
Onozuka glared at him, but Iwaki took no offense. If anything, he empathized with the younger man--Onozuka was clearly in denial, something that Iwaki was very familiar with. Given that Onozuka had received a double shock from both Kikuchi and Miyasaka in the same night, it was no surprise that he was having a difficult time dealing with the situation. Nothing would be gained from pushing him right now, Iwaki decided. Onozuka needed some time to come to terms with his feelings, and that was something that he would have to do on his own, as much as Iwaki would've liked to spare Onozuka that pain and confusion.
"I'm sorry if I was projecting my own feelings onto you," Iwaki apologized, and Onozuka gave him a puzzled look, seeming almost disappointed--and maybe he was. Perhaps he'd been hoping that an argument with Iwaki would distract him from his romantic problems.
Despite his disappointment, Onozuka's anger seemed defused by Iwaki's calm response, and he added in a much less hostile voice, "Besides, I'm used to being alone."
He sounded so matter-of-fact about it that Iwaki felt a touch of pity for the young actor. Onozuka was outwardly very charming and gregarious--it was practically a requirement of their profession, after all. But beneath the surface charm, he was self-sufficient to the point of being closed off. He let the public and his coworkers see the Prince, but he didn't really open up and show his true self to anyone but Katou and Miyasaka--and by default, Iwaki himself, mostly because he was part of Katou's life. Even then, Iwaki was beginning to understand that there were facets to Onozuka that not even his best friends had seen before.
Onozuka reminded Iwaki a lot of his younger self--he too had devoted himself to his career, telling himself that he didn't need other people. Until Katou had moved in with him, he'd only had casual acquaintances and bed partners, no true friends or lovers that he could really count on. He had preferred it that way--it was better not to depend too much on anyone, because they would inevitably let you down at some point. Iwaki had taken pride in relying on no one but himself, but in hindsight, it had been a very bleak and lonely existence. Onozuka was a little better off than Iwaki in that respect--he at least had his friendship with Katou and Miyasaka. Still, Iwaki felt a little sad that Onozuka's life seemed to be almost as solitary as his own had been.
There were other similarities, too--while Onozuka had refused to go into detail, Katou had gotten the impression that there was some truth to the media's claims that Onozuka was estranged from his family due to his choice of careers. Iwaki could relate to that, of course, and he wanted to warn Onozuka not to make the same mistakes he'd made, to mend things with his family before it was too late.
But Onozuka was already upset about Miyasaka and Kikuchi, and Iwaki sensed that he would probably reject any unasked for advice about his family out of hand. Maybe Iwaki could try discussing it with him later, after Onozuka had settled his current problems.
So Iwaki just smiled pleasantly and said, "Well, it's probably a good idea not to rush into anything at the moment. I'm glad that you're taking the time to think things over."
"Exactly," Onozuka agreed, although he gave Iwaki a slightly suspicious look. "I'm not like Miya-chan, who always acts without thinking."
Just then, the front door slammed and Katou called out cheerfully, "Hey, I'm home!"
"Welcome back!" Iwaki replied. "We're in the kitchen."
Katou walked in, carrying take-out boxes that smelled of tomato sauce and garlic. "I hope you don't mind Italian, Onozuka."
"That's fine," Onozuka replied, smiling wanly. "After all, I'm just a freeloader, so I can't complain, right?"
"That's right!" Katou declared with a fierce mock-scowl. "You're invading the home of a honeymooning couple, so you'll eat what you're given and be grateful for it!"
"Katou!" Iwaki scolded, but Onozuka laughed, sounding much more like his old self.
"You got married ages ago! Just how long is the honeymoon supposed to go on?"
"Every day that I spend with Iwaki-san is like a honeymoon," Katou crooned, planting a kiss on Iwaki's mouth.
"No wonder Yoshizumi-san is always complaining about how nauseating you guys are!" Onozuka groaned.
"Should a freeloader be complaining like that?" Katou retorted, giving Onozuka a light swat on the head.
Iwaki smiled as he watched the two bicker playfully. Maybe he was worrying a little too much about Onozuka, after all--at least he had a steady and loyal friend like Katou to rely on in times of need.
Onozuka helped to serve the food, and when he had his back turned to them for a moment, Katou caught Iwaki's eye and gave him a questioning look. Iwaki knew that he was wondering if he should talk to Onozuka about Miyasaka, and Iwaki shook his head slightly in response, trying to convey the message, It's better to leave him alone for now.
Katou picked up on his silent cue and nodded, then turned back to Onozuka and began talking cheerfully about the restaurant that he'd picked up tonight's dinner from, saying that it had just recently opened in the neighborhood and that the chef had actually studied in Italy.
The food was delicious, but Iwaki noticed that Onozuka just picked at his meal halfheartedly. Katou carried on most of the conversation, talking about the new movie he was filming, and Onozuka listened quietly without any of his usual sly and witty remarks. Iwaki smiled, trying to hide his own misgivings about Katou's upcoming location shoot, but Onozuka proved that he wasn't as distracted as he seemed when he said, "You must be worried about Katou filming in the Middle East."
"Well, I can't help but worry a little about Katou going to such a dangerous place," Iwaki admitted. "But it's part of his job, so I'll do my best to support him by praying for his safety and the success of the film."
"There's nothing to worry about," Katou declared with a mischievous wink. "Iwaki-san gave me a special good-luck charm to protect me!"
"Katou!" Iwaki exclaimed, blushing as he glared at his lover. He had been so worried about Katou's upcoming trip that he'd agreed to give Katou one of his pubic hairs as a protective charm, but that was definitely not something that Iwaki wanted to share with Onozuka--or anyone else, for that matter!
Fortunately for Iwaki, Onozuka warned Katou, "If it's something pervy or nauseatingly sappy, I don't want to hear about it!"
"That's fine, because it's a secret just between me and Iwaki-san," Katou replied, giving Iwaki a smile that managed to be both smug and tender at the same time.
Onozuka laughed and reassured Iwaki with a grin, "Don't worry--Katou wouldn't dare die, because that would leave you alone and unprotected from the vast horde of men that he believes can't resist you!"
"He's being sarcastic, but it's true," Katou said, pretending to swat at Onozuka with a breadstick. "I will come safely home to my Iwaki-san no matter what!"
Iwaki was still embarrassed, but at least that brief exchange seemed to have relaxed Onozuka a little, and he ate with more appetite and conversed with them in a more natural manner after that.
After they finished eating, Katou began clearing the dirty dishes from the table. Iwaki started to help him, but Onozuka waved him off, saying, "Please relax, Iwaki-san; I'll help Katou with the dishes." He smiled wryly and added, "As a freeloader, it's the least I can do to earn my keep."
"You're a welcome guest," Iwaki said politely, but smiled and left the kitchen to the two of them in case Onozuka wanted to speak privately with Katou.
***
Katou washed the dishes and Onozuka dried them, working in silence for a couple of minutes until Onozuka asked hesitantly, "Say, Katou...?"
"Yes?"
"How did you know that Iwaki-san was 'the one'?" Onozuka asked, and before Katou could reply, he hastily added, "And don't say that you just knew, because that's no help at all!"
Katou frowned thoughtfully, taking the time to consider Onozuka's question as he scrubbed at a dirty plate. "Well, to be honest, I didn't know right away that he was 'the one,' but I was fascinated by him ever since we first met. I accepted a role in my first porn film mainly as a lark, and Iwaki-san treated me with contempt because he saw that I wasn't taking it seriously. I was offended but intrigued, and I became impressed when I saw how hard he worked at becoming a better actor, and how seriously he took every role, no matter if it was only an AV film or a bit part in a TV drama. I apologized to him later, but he still acted cold and arrogant towards me, and I became determined to succeed in the business just so that I could show him up and make him acknowledge that I was better than him."
Onozuka couldn't help but laugh. "You idiot, you were obsessed with him from the start!"
Katou grinned sheepishly and replied, "I saw him as a rival back then, not a romantic partner, but yeah, I was obsessed. You know about the audition for Sawa-sensei's movie, right?"
"Sure, it was rumored that the two of you had sex for real during the audition."
"Yeah, we did," Katou confessed without any shame. "It was the first time that I'd really been with a guy. I mean, I'd done threesomes in some of my AV films, but it was always two guys sharing a girl, not two guys getting it on with each other. I wasn't ashamed or disgusted about the idea of having sex with Iwaki-san--it was just part of the job, and I was willing to do anything to win that role."
Onozuka raised his eyebrows skeptically and said, "I think it was a little more than 'just part of the job.'"
"Maybe," Katou admitted. "It's kind of hard to look back objectively on it now. Anyway, once we got down to business, I started enjoying it, and we both got carried away, and well...it became more than just an audition." He added smugly and with pride, "But Iwaki-san was the first one to get carried away, not me!"
"That's kind of hard to believe," Onozuka teased his friend. "But I would really love to see that audition tape!"
"Don't be a perv," Katou scolded, flicking some soapy water at Onozuka. "That was a special moment between me and Iwaki-san. Anyway, that was when I first began to feel something more than rivalry for Iwaki-san, but it wasn't just the sex. Iwaki-san had been kind of losing his fire--he'd been coasting through his last few roles, while my career was starting to take off. I think he'd given up hope at that point of ever being able to break through as a mainstream actor. But instead of feeling triumphant, I found myself feeling disappointed and cheated. I realized that I'd become his rival because I admired him, and there was no satisfaction in beating an opponent who had already given up. I wanted to compete against an Iwaki-san at the top of his game--I wanted to see the confident, driven actor who had first hurt my pride and spurred me on as an actor. He got back his fire in the middle of that audition, and I found myself being captivated by him again. But this time, I saw him as more than a rival, and I decided that someday I'd make him mine. I'd lost the audition, though, and I wanted to meet him as an equal. So when we both got hired in the co-starring roles for the 'Embracing Love' TV series, I decided that it must be fate! I guess that was when I decided that he was 'the one,' but looking back, it had been building up for years, since our very first meeting."
"I see," Onozuka said. It was a fascinating story, and Katou's Iwaki-obsession made a lot more sense now, but he wasn't sure that it was helping him to sort out his feelings for Kikuchi.
"Do you think that Kikuchi is 'the one' for you?" Katou asked.
"I don't know," Onozuka admitted reluctantly. "I like him--when I'm not being pissed off at him, that is--and the sex is amazing, but...it's hard to picture us living like this." He made a sweeping gesture, meant to take in the entire house. "You know, playing house together like a happily married couple, and being all lovey-dovey like you and Iwaki-san."
"Well, you don't have to be the same kind of couple that Iwaki-san and I are," Katou replied gravely. "Just because you don't feel all sappy about Kikuchi doesn't mean that you don't love him."
The uncharacteristically serious mood made Onozuka a bit uncomfortable, even though he was the one who had brought up this subject to begin with. Attempting to lighten things a little, he recoiled with mock horror and exclaimed, "It can't be that Katou is actually encouraging me to get together with a man who dared to lay hands on his precious Iwaki-san!" He placed a hand on Katou's forehead and said, "Hmm...you don't seem to have a fever, but you certainly sound delirious."
"I'm perfectly fine," Katou said, gently pushing Onozuka's hand away. "I don't like Kikuchi-san and I doubt that I ever will, but if he really makes you happy, then I'll put up with him for your sake. And honestly, I am wondering if he is 'the one' for you, because I've never seen you taken aback like this before, or at such a loss over what to do."
Onozuka winced. Katou acted like a goofball most of the time, so it was easy to underestimate him until he took you by surprise at moments like these, when he showed how perceptive he was and cut to the heart of the matter--with razor-sharp precision in this case. But still, Onozuka was touched by Katou's willingness to call a truce with a hated enemy for his sake, and he felt a little ashamed that he had underestimated his friend, believing that Katou would encourage him to pair up with Miyasaka in order to eliminate Miyasaka as a threat to Iwaki's virtue, if not his affections.
He felt that he owed Katou an honest answer in return, even if it meant examining feelings he would much rather have left alone. Katou waited patiently while Onozuka struggled with still-raw emotions, and the dishes were all washed and dried before Onozuka finally whispered, "Iwaki-san asked me how I'd feel if Kikuchi and I broke up and he started dating someone else, and...it scared the hell out of me. I don't want to lose him, but I'm not sure that I trust him enough to have a permanent relationship with him, either."
Katou patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. "Well, I'm not exactly an unbiased observer, so it's hard for me to say whether you can trust Kikuchi or not. All I can say is that Iwaki-san thinks that he's mended his ways. And if he does break your heart, I'll be happy to kick his ass for you."
Onozuka burst into genuine laughter, although it did come out sounding a bit shaky. "Thanks, Katou, but you almost got fired when you punched him in the face the first time. It might be better if I just poison him instead."
Katou gave him an uncertain and slightly worried look, as if he was trying to figure out whether Onozuka was joking or not. "I wouldn't mourn his loss, but it does sound like you're leaning towards him over Miyasaka." He still looked worried, but he smiled and asked lightly, "Does this mean that there's no hope for our poor love-struck friend?"
"Miyasaka is an idiot," Onozuka replied automatically, but he couldn't stop himself from flushing when he remembered how good it had felt to have Miyasaka kissing and touching him--even if it was a purely physical reaction, as he kept trying to convince himself.
"Sure he's an idiot," Katou agreed readily, but he obviously took notice of Onozuka's blush. "That doesn't mean that it's impossible to fall in love with an idiot, or there would be a hell of a lot more single guys--and women--out there."
"Do you really think that I have the bad taste to fall in love with an idiot?" Onozuka scoffed.
"No offense, Onozuka, but you were dating Kikuchi, so I'm not too impressed with your taste in men," Katou replied frankly. "In my biased opinion, of course."
"Touché," Onozuka acknowledged.
"Tell me the truth, Onozuka," Katou said seriously. "How do you feel about Miyasaka, all joking aside?"
Onozuka sighed wearily and replied, "He's my friend, and I don't want that to change."
"So you're not attracted to him?" Katou asked, and Onozuka winced again.
"Well, I am gay, and I won't deny that he's an attractive guy, even if he is an idiot," Onozuka hedged, reluctant to admit that he'd harbored secret feelings for his best friend. "Maybe if he'd made his move before I'd met Kikuchi...if I could've been sure that he wanted me for myself and not as a substitute for Iwaki-san, or as the object of some bisexual phase that he's going through..." His voice trailed off wistfully, and he blushed again when he saw Katou giving him a startled look; clearly Katou hadn't been expecting that response. "But even if I could be sure that he was sincere, it still wouldn't work out," Onozuka continued in a brisk voice. "You know that he can't see gay relationships in terms of anything other than being 'the man' or 'the woman,' and it would be bound to screw up any hypothetical relationship that we could have." Katou pursed his lips thoughtfully, then nodded in agreement. Onozuka added with a slightly forced grin, "Besides, I have too much fun abusing him, and it wouldn't be right to treat a lover that way."
"I don't know about love, but you have rather twisted ideas about friendship," Katou observed dryly. "Which makes me question why I'm friends with you, your Highness."
"Because you're a masochist, of course," Onozuka quipped.
"So you don't abuse Kikuchi?" Katou asked with a wry smile.
"He wouldn't let me get away with it," Onozuka replied, his smile fading. "It's true that we enjoy--enjoyed--matching wits against each other, but it's more of a give-and-take thing. Miyasaka is too much of an easy victim."
"You know, sometimes you're not a very nice person, Onozuka," Katou sighed, but he patted Onozuka on the head with an air of patient fondness, like an older brother. "But at least you're honest about it. I'd feel sorry for Miyasaka if the two of you started dating--you'd eat the poor guy alive!" He paused and added in a more serious voice, "I know that he's caused you a lot of trouble and that you don't want to talk to him right now, but...he really was worried about you, you know."
"Yeah, I know," Onozuka said gruffly. "I'll make up with him eventually. It's because I don't want to ruin our friendship that I moved out."
"I know," Katou replied. "Actually, I think it was a good idea to give him a few days to cool down and come to his senses. And I think you could use some cooling-off time, too." Onozuka flushed, and Katou just smiled and said, "Come on, I'll show you to the guest room."
Nothing was resolved, but Onozuka felt a little better after his talk with Katou, and was comforted by Katou's concern for him, if nothing else. He spent some time after dinner chatting about inconsequential things with Katou and Iwaki, but turned in early--partly to give the couple what privacy he could, and partly because he was exhausted emotionally after today and the previous night's events.
He quickly fell asleep, but was woken sometime later by the sound of low, passionate moans.
"Oh...oh, Iwaki-san!"
"Katou, shhh! You'll wake up Onozuka-kun!"
"Too late," Onozuka said sourly.
He didn't think he'd spoken loudly enough to be overheard, but Katou said defiantly, "So what? He's just a freeloader, so he can't complain about a happily married couple expressing their affection for each other!"
"Is that what you call it?" Onozuka muttered sarcastically.
"Katou, you shouldn't--ah!"
"Did you like that, Iwaki-san?"
"Mmm...ah...yes, but..." Iwaki seemed to be trying to stifle his moans, but before long he forgot himself and was shouting, "Oh, Katou, yes! Please, more...harder!"
"Nnh...ahh...Iwaki-san!"
"Katou!"
"Arrgh!" Onozuka groaned, pulling his pillow over his head in an attempt to muffle the sounds coming from the next room. Unfortunately, it did little good, and the volume of the cries and moans continued to increase.
"Damn it!" Onozuka cursed. He grabbed his pillow and blanket and retreated downstairs to the living room, figuring that he could sleep on the couch. However, Iwaki and Katou's lovemaking was still clearly audible, and Onozuka glared up at the ceiling.
It wasn't just the noise that bothered him. All that shameless moaning (a side effect of their former porn careers, perhaps) was highly arousing and couldn't help but remind him of his last interrupted lovemaking session with Kikuchi. And in turn, that made him crave the sensation of Kikuchi's mouth on his, of Kikuchi's hands on his body. When Iwaki moaned, "Harder, Katou," Onozuka couldn't help but remember how good it had felt to have Kikuchi's cock moving inside him, and once again he cursed himself for throwing Kikuchi out before he'd had a chance to get off.
He felt himself growing hard, but resisted the urge to masturbate because he knew that he wouldn't be able to resist thinking of Kikuchi, and he didn't want to weaken his resolve and forgive his devious, maddening, and infuriating lover just yet. Nor did he want any images of Miyasaka creeping into his mind as they had last night.
"God, aren't they ever going to finish?" Onozuka grumbled to himself, but the noises seemed to go on and on. Sure, porn stars had to have stamina, but this was ridiculous!
Finally, blessed silence fell over the house after one last "Oh yes, Katou!" and "I love you, Iwaki-san!" Onozuka sighed with relief and briefly contemplated going back up to the guest room, but was so tired that he decided to just remain on the couch.
His own unrelieved arousal made it difficult to fall asleep, but eventually he started to doze off---just as a low moan of "Ohhh, Katou," filtered down from the bedroom upstairs.
"Not again!" Onozuka groaned. He felt a sudden deep sympathy for Yoshizumi, and realized that the other actor hadn't been exaggerating when he'd said that Iwaki and Katou had kept him up all night at the inn they'd been staying at while filming "Winter Cicadas."
Onozuka had been trying to be a polite guest, but he finally lost it and shouted, "Hey, some of us are trying to sleep down here!"
"Freeloaders don't get to complain!" Katou retorted unrepentantly, while Iwaki called down in a mortified voice, "I'm so sorry, Onozuka-kun!" There were muted sounds of grumbling (from Katou) and scolding (from Iwaki), and then the house went silent again. But after a few minutes, the moaning started up again, more muffled this time, and it wasn't long before the couple forgot themselves and Iwaki started shouting, "Oh yes, Katou! I want it harder...deeper!"
"You want it harder? Then I'll give you what you want, Iwaki-san!"
"Oh, Katou!"
"I can't take it anymore!" Onozuka groaned. There was a box of tissues sitting on a nearby table, and he tore up and wadded bits of tissue into two makeshift earplugs, but they muffled the loud cries only slightly. In desperation, Onozuka retreated into the bathroom, lined the empty tub with some towels for padding, and bedded down there with his blanket and pillow. It wasn't perfect, but the enclosed room muffled the sounds a little better than the open living room.
"I don't know how their neighbors get any sleep," Onozuka muttered to himself. Then it suddenly occurred to him that he and Kikuchi got a little loud in the bedroom themselves sometimes, and he uneasily wondered just how well soundproofed Kikuchi's apartment was. He tried to reassure himself that they couldn't possibly be anywhere near as loud as Iwaki and Katou, and that since none of Kikuchi's neighbors had reported their affair to the tabloids, they were probably safe.
Of course, it was sort of a moot point right now, since he wasn't planning to be in Kikuchi's bed anytime soon. But that thought reminded him of how much he missed Kikuchi, which was ridiculous--they had quarreled just last night, which was not nearly enough time to miss someone. So why did he feel a sense of loneliness and longing, as if they'd been apart for weeks?
Onozuka tossed and turned all night, and it wasn't due solely to the discomfort of his makeshift bed, or even the overly enthusiastic lovers upstairs. Instead, it was thoughts of Kikuchi and Miyasaka that made his sleep restless, along with Iwaki's warning of "Be careful that you don't throw away what's most precious to you."
***
"Gee, you look like crap," Katou said when Onozuka stumbled bleary-eyed into the kitchen where his friend was just starting breakfast.
"That's because I couldn't get any sleep last night," Onozuka replied, glaring at Katou accusingly.
"Where the heck were you sleeping, anyway?" Katou asked. "You weren't in the guest room or on the couch. At first I thought you'd left for work before we got up, but your bag was still in your room."
"I was sleeping in the downstairs bathtub," Onozuka said sourly.
Iwaki walked into the room just in time to hear that last sentence, and asked in a puzzled voice, "Why were you sleeping in the tub, Onozuka-kun?"
"Because sleeping in the room next to you guys was like trying to sleep with a porn video blasting at full volume!" Onozuka retorted. "The bathroom was the only place where the sound was muffled just a little. Even so, I could hear well enough to be able to tell that you guys did it three times last night!"
Iwaki blushed and apologized, "I'm sorry, Onozuka-kun. We didn't intend to keep you up."
"Hey, you were the one who invited yourself over," Katou defended himself. "You can't expect a happily married couple to abstain from making love, especially when I'm going to be leaving on a trip soon--we have to make up for all the time that we'll be apart!"
"I didn't invite myself over!" Onozuka said indignantly. "Iwaki-san was the one who called me and invited me to stay in the guest room!"
"That's true," Iwaki reminded Katou. "I'm sorry that we kept you awake, Onozuka-kun. I guess we got a little carried away."
He smiled sheepishly, and Katou leaned over to murmur in his ear, "You are simply irresistible, Iwaki-san. I can't help getting carried away whenever I'm with you."
"You're incorrigible, Katou," Iwaki scolded, but he couldn't hold back a smile, and he sounded more fondly indulgent than angry.
"I'm not the only one who got carried away," Katou said smugly, brushing his lips against Iwaki's.
"Well, that's because you got carried away first," Iwaki protested, blushing, but he gave Katou a brief kiss in return.
"I've had enough!" Onozuka groaned, throwing up his hands in a gesture of both exasperation and defeat, and he ran back upstairs to fetch his duffle bag.
"Hey Onozuka, aren't you going to have some breakfast before you go?" Katou called after him as Onozuka headed for the door.
"No!" Onozuka replied emphatically. "I'm leaving before the two of you start doing it on the kitchen table!"
"Are you coming back tonight after work?" Iwaki asked, glancing at Onozuka's bag. "Or are you going home to sort things out with Miyasaka-kun?"
"Neither," Onozuka said firmly; both options were equally unappealing to him.
"But then where will you stay?" Iwaki asked, sounding concerned.
Onozuka shrugged and replied, "I'll find another friend to stay with, or just rent a hotel room for a few days."
"That would be a waste of money when you can stay with us for free," Iwaki pointed out.
"I really appreciate your kindness, Iwaki-san," Onozuka said, trying not to sound too sarcastic, though judging by the way Katou scowled at him, he didn't completely succeed. "But the peace and quiet will be worth the expense." He flashed a charming, mischievous smile to soften the harshness of his words and added, "The Prince needs to get his beauty rest, after all."
Iwaki chuckled good-naturedly and said, "Well, I'm sorry that we weren't able to be better hosts to you, Onozuka-kun, but feel free to stop by anytime if you need to talk, or just for a friendly visit."
"You needn't feel too free about it," Katou muttered under his breath, and Iwaki gave him a stern, quelling glare.
"Thank you, Iwaki-san," Onozuka said politely, ignoring Katou's comment.
"But seriously, Onozuka," Katou said anxiously. "You are going to make up with Miyasaka eventually, right?"
"Eventually," Onozuka agreed sincerely, although he was in no rush to do so right now. "After he's had time to cool his head."
"I think it's other parts of his body that need cooling," Katou said dryly, and Onozuka had to laugh a little.
"You're right," Onozuka said. "See you around, Katou."
"Not if I see you first!" Katou retorted.
***
"What an ungrateful guest," Katou grumbled.
"Don't lie; you're relieved that he's gone, aren't you?" Iwaki replied, shaking his head. "Were you deliberately trying to scare him off by making so much noise last night?"
"Of course not," Katou said, sounding a little offended. "I wouldn't turn away a friend in need, even if he is an inconvenience, but most of all--I could never fake the deep passion that I feel for you, Iwaki-san. When we're together, I just can't hold back." Then he grinned slyly at Iwaki and added, "Besides, you were making just as much noise as I was."
Iwaki blushed deeply, unable to deny Katou's words. "I do feel bad about keeping Onozuka awake."
"He should have known what to expect," Katou said unrepentantly. "And now that he's gone..." He wrapped his arms around Iwaki and purred, "We actually could do it on the kitchen table like he suggested--ow!" He rubbed the top of his head while Iwaki glared at him sternly.
"Apparently it isn't only Miyasaka-kun who needs to cool down certain body parts!"
"But Iwaki-saaaan...!"
Part 13
Onozuka evaded several more of Kikuchi's attempts to talk to him alone, and deleted two more e-mail apologies before the day was over. Miyasaka left a couple of frantic messages asking if he was all right, and then a third, more resigned message saying that he would give Onozuka some space, but to please think over what they'd talked about this morning. Onozuka wondered if Iwaki, or maybe Katou had advised Miyasaka to leave him alone for now. Part of him was grateful, and part of him was annoyed that Iwaki was meddling in his affairs.
It was exhausting trying to avoid Kikuchi, while at the same time, trying to act normally around the cast and crew so that they didn't get suspicious. He was relieved when he finally finished work and was able to leave the studio, and he caught a cab over to Iwaki and Katou's place.
A polite guest didn't show up without a gift, so he stopped along the way to pick up a bottle of wine, which Iwaki accepted with a gracious "Thank you very much, Onozuka-kun."
"You're welcome," Onozuka replied, glancing around the room. "Where's Katou? Is he still at work?"
Iwaki smiled and shook his head. "I sent him out to pick up dinner so that we could have a chance to talk in private."
"Still playing the role of my big brother, Iwaki-san?" Onozuka asked. It came out sounding more sarcastic than playful, but Iwaki didn't take any offense.
"Just trying to return a favor to a friend," Iwaki chuckled, and Onozuka gave up his halfhearted attempt to bait Iwaki. He still needed the advice, after all, even if he didn't particularly like the giver of that advice.
He wasn't quite sure where to start, though, and there was an awkward silence as he tried to figure out what to say, and how much of the situation he needed to explain to Iwaki.
The older man smiled at him sympathetically and suggested, "Why don't we go talk in the kitchen? You can help me fix a salad to go with dinner."
A few minutes later, Onozuka found himself slicing vegetables while Iwaki set the table. The repetitive chopping motions helped to calm his nerves--which was perhaps what Iwaki had intended. Onozuka knew that he ought to be grateful for the other man's consideration, but it was also yet another sign of Iwaki's perfection, and he couldn't help being a little irked by it.
"Miyasaka-kun told Katou what happened last night," Iwaki said. "From what I understand, Miyasaka-kun...ah...accidentally walked in on you and Kikuchi-san in the bedroom." Only the faintest hint of a stress on "accidentally" indicated that Iwaki knew, or perhaps had just guessed that it hadn't been an accident after all, and Onozuka flushed slightly and nodded. "And that caused Miyasaka-kun to realize that he was attracted to you, and he realized in hindsight that he's been jealous of Kikuchi-san all along," Iwaki continued, and Onozuka nodded again. "Also, Kikuchi-san told you that he wants a serious relationship with you, even though you had believed that he only wanted a casual relationship up until now."
"That about sums it up," Onozuka sighed. That was a bare-bones version of last night's events, but Iwaki was probably being tactful by leaving out the more embarrassing details--or maybe Miyasaka was the one who had been too embarrassed to tell Iwaki and Katou the entire story. It didn't really matter, since Iwaki clearly understood the gist of the situation, and Onozuka wasn't about to divulge that he'd originally set up the evening to make Kikuchi jealous, or that he had nearly ended up having sex with Miyasaka last night.
"Both Miyasaka-kun and Kikuchi-san have made it clear what they want," Iwaki said. "The real question is: what do you want, Onozuka-kun?"
"I...I don't know," Onozuka admitted. "I like Kikuchi-san a lot, or I did before I found out that he lied to me, but I didn't really think of it as something serious. I thought we were just having a good time."
Iwaki gave Onozuka a skeptical look and replied, "Didn't you tell Katou and Miyasaka that you were madly in love with Kikuchi-san at the cookout?"
Onozuka managed a smile and said lightly, "Well, perhaps I exaggerated a little bit in order to tease Katou."
"Well, Kikuchi-san told me that he was crazy about you," Iwaki said. "He said that was why he agreed to come to the cookout, because he thought it was important to meet your friends, and I believed him. I think he really is serious about you, Onozuka-kun--in case you were doubting that."
He had been, a little. Kikuchi was such a schemer that there was always the possibility that this was merely just another one of his complicated schemes, although the emotion he'd shown last night had certainly seemed to be real. Onozuka wasn't quite sure whether he wanted Kikuchi's words to be a lie or the truth: to be a toy that Kikuchi manipulated for his own pleasure, or for such a scheming, intense, complicated, and dangerous man to actually be in love with him, and all the risks that would entail...
Onozuka's hand trembled slightly, and he took a deep breath to steady himself, then concentrated intently on cutting a cucumber into paper-thin slices. "I don't really know how I feel about Kikuchi-san," he hedged. "He kind of took me by surprise last night."
"All right, why don't we discuss Miyasaka-kun, then?" Iwaki suggested. "Do you think that you could ever see him as more than a friend?"
"No!" Onozuka replied emphatically, slamming the knife through the cucumber so hard that it left a shallow gouge on the cutting board.
"Are you sure?" Iwaki persisted calmly. "I know that you don't have a problem with being attracted to men, and I know that you care about him deeply."
"As a friend," Onozuka said curtly. He finished slicing the cucumber, but the remaining pieces came out a bit jagged and uneven. He dumped them in the salad bowl and moved on to the tomatoes.
Iwaki fixed him with a more penetrating look and repeated, "Are you sure? It seems to me that you get a little jealous when Miyasaka-kun pays too much attention to other people, and that you enjoyed flaunting your relationship with Kikuchi-san in order to make him jealous in turn."
"I think you're imagining things, Iwaki-san," Onozuka said coolly, but his face gave him away by turning as red as the tomato he was slicing.
"Am I?" Iwaki replied. "I know that you don't like to show it openly, but you love both Katou and Miyasaka-kun, don't you?" He smiled kindly at Onozuka, but his expression grew a bit more fierce and possessive as he added, "Although of course you would never make a move on Katou because he belongs to me."
It wasn't quite a warning, but it was more than a mere statement of fact. So Iwaki can get jealous, too, Onozuka noted with interest, and that moment of detachment allowed him to regain control of his emotions. "Of course," he replied pleasantly. "I'm not like Miyasaka. And anyway, my feelings for Katou are strictly platonic."
Iwaki chose not to challenge his statement and continued, "I know that you would never consider trying to come between me and Katou, but Miyasaka-kun is single. He's an attractive young man and the two of you have a deep affection for each other. Hypothetically speaking, if you weren't involved with Kikuchi-san, would you have taken Miyasaka-kun's, er, proposition more seriously?"
Onozuka hesitated, remembering the way that Miyasaka had looked at him last night, with a focused, single-minded desire, as if no one else in the world existed at that moment. What if Miyasaka had looked at him that way of his own volition, without being enflamed by jealousy over Kikuchi...? That thought filled Onozuka with a sense of wistful longing before common sense reasserted itself and reminded him of all the logical objections that still remained.
"But the point is that I am involved with Kikuchi-san, and I don't think that Miyasaka really wants me," Onozuka retorted sharply. "It's just a case of envy, of the grass being greener on the other side. I'm not interested in joining his stable of casual affairs, to become some toy to be discarded when he's tired of playing with me."
"I don't believe that he thinks of you as a toy," Iwaki objected. "But I do understand your concerns. I'm not sure myself if what Miyasaka-kun feels is actually love, or if he's just mistaking lust for love. The fact that he does love you as a friend probably complicates matters and makes it difficult to separate the two."
"That's all it is," Onozuka said, more dismissively than he felt. "Friendship combined with lust, and he's mistaken it for love. He'll get over it once his hormones cool down. Besides, it could never work, even if he did love me--he has all those hang-ups about who's 'the man' or 'the woman' in a relationship."
"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" Iwaki asked dryly, and Onozuka glared at him, slicing through the tomato with much more force than was necessary.
"Miyasaka is the one who needs convincing, not me!" he snarled.
Iwaki gave him a skeptical look. "I don't think that you're being completely honest with yourself about either Miyasaka-kun or Kikuchi-san. If you're confused and need some time to think things over and sort out your emotions, that's fine. But you're not going to be able to convince them that you're not in love with them if you don't fully believe it yourself."
"I'm not in love with either of them!" Onozuka shouted.
"I think that the two of us are a lot alike, in some ways," Iwaki said gently, giving him a compassionate look.
"I'm nothing like you!" Onozuka snapped contemptuously, but Iwaki seemed unoffended by his rudeness.
"We're both closed off and self-reliant," Iwaki persisted in that gentle voice. "It's easier to push people away than allow them to get too close and take the risk of getting hurt."
"Don't project your hang-ups onto me, Iwaki-san!" Onozuka retorted.
"You've been dating Kikuchi-san for awhile now," Iwaki continued, refusing to be deterred. "You're risking a homosexual scandal that could tarnish your princely image, something you've never done before. And you haven't just slept with him--you've introduced him to the people you trust most, Katou and Miyasaka-kun. Can you really say that it's just a fling and you don't care about him?"
Onozuka's hand trembled slightly, and he gritted his teeth and concentrated on cutting the tomato into neat, even wedges. "It's a matter of convenience, that's all," he said stubbornly. "I enjoy his company and he's good in bed, and I was tired of living like a monk. There's less risk of discovery if I'm only sleeping with one person than if I'm sleeping with a different guy every night."
"I tried to tell myself that what Katou and I had was just sex," Iwaki said quietly. "I was afraid to let myself care about him because I couldn't believe that he really loved me and that he wouldn't leave me someday. I pushed him away and I hurt him a lot--and for no reason." He smiled sadly, but with a bit of nostalgic affection. "Because the truth is that I wouldn't have feared being hurt if I didn't care about him, so by the time I told myself that I couldn't let myself fall in love with him, it was already too late. Are you sure that you aren't trying to push both Kikuchi-san and Miyasaka-kun away from you because you're afraid of being hurt, Onozuka-kun?"
"No!" Onozuka shouted desperately.
"I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I made, Onozuka-kun," Iwaki said earnestly. "I was lucky that Katou was very stubborn and refused to give up on me no matter how much I pushed him away or how cold I was towards him. Have you thought through what will happen if you continue to reject Miyasaka-kun and Kikuchi-san?"
"That's why I'm trying to get Miyasaka to come to his senses!" Onozuka said in frustration. "Having sex could ruin our friendship, and that's why I can't give in to his horndog impulses!"
"You and Miyasaka-kun have a very strong friendship, and I think the two of you will be able to get through this no matter what you decide, although things might be awkward and painful for awhile," Iwaki replied. "But what about Kikuchi-san? Have you thought about what will happen if the two of you break up? Will the two of you still be able to be friends?" Iwaki sounded doubtful about that possibility. "If not, the two of you probably won't see each other again, unless your paths cross during work. Will you be all right with letting him go and maybe seeing him date other people?"
The thought of losing Kikuchi permanently, of never seeing him again--or worse, seeing him with someone else--filled Onozuka with a blinding sense of terror, and he came within an inch of chopping off his fingers as the knife slammed down on the cutting board.
"Whoa!" Iwaki cried in alarm. "Onozuka-kun, I think you'd better take a break." He took the knife from Onozuka's hand and set it aside, then gently but firmly grabbed Onozuka by the shoulders and steered him into a seat at the kitchen table.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit," Onozuka muttered over and over again, his body trembling as his mind tried to reject the realization that he was in way too deep to just let Kikuchi go, even hypothetically.
"Here," he heard Iwaki say, and felt a glass being pressed into his hands. Onozuka lifted it to his lips, with Iwaki's hands supporting his own, because they were trembling too violently to hold the glass steady. He gulped down the contents, which burned a trail down his throat and into his stomach, and brought tears to his eyes. "What the hell was that?" he coughed. "It's even stronger than awamori!"
"I'm not exactly sure," Iwaki replied. "It was a gift from one of Katou's directors--some sort of homemade liquor brewed by the locals in his hometown. We save it for when we need a really stiff drink, and it seemed like you needed it, Onozuka-kun."
"Yeah, I did," Onozuka admitted; the shock of the alcohol hitting his system had at least stilled the trembling. "Thanks."
"Well, it may have been upsetting, but at least you've figured out one thing," Iwaki told him. "You care about Kikuchi-san enough that you don't want to lose him."
"I'm not...I don't...I can't be in love with him," Onozuka insisted, his words coming out as more of a desperate plea than a factual statement.
Iwaki just smiled at him a little sadly and shook his head, saying, "Feelings don't disappear just because you want them to. Believe me, I've tried that and it doesn't work. I can't tell you what to do, Onozuka-kun, but please think things over very carefully before you make any irrevocable decisions." He gave Onozuka a very intent and earnest look. "Be careful that you don't throw away what's most precious to you."
"I just can't do this," Onozuka whispered, propping his elbows up on the table and burying his head in his hands. "I don't want to lose him, but I don't think that I can be with him, either."
Iwaki placed a gentle hand on Onozuka's shoulder, and asked, "Why? What's the worst that could happen?"
Onozuka noticed that Iwaki didn't ask which "him" he was referring to, but he supposed that it was obvious. "He might..." Onozuka's voice trailed off and he bit his lip, unable to finish the rest of the sentence. What could he say that wouldn't sound trite and foolish: "He might really love me, but that doesn't mean things will work out between us"? "He might be lying and is actually plotting to make a fool out of me"? He would feel like an idiot and a coward if he admitted that he was afraid of a little rejection.
"Why couldn't he just leave things the way they were?" Onozuka groaned out loud.
"Maybe Kikuchi-san had his own fears, too," Iwaki pointed out. "Maybe he wanted a commitment because he was afraid of losing you. Maybe he was worried that if the relationship remained casual, you might leave him for another man someday. Someone like Miyasaka-kun, maybe?"
Onozuka hadn't thought of it that way--Kikuchi had an air of confidence bordering on arrogance, and it was difficult to picture him being insecure about a lover. On the other hand, he did seem to have an irrational jealousy over Miyasaka and Katou--although Onozuka had to admit now that maybe it wasn't as irrational as he had first assumed.
"I don't know," Onozuka muttered. "I just found out that he's been lying to me and sneaking around behind my back, so how can I trust anything he says?"
"Sneaking around?" Iwaki asked, looking startled. "He's been seeing other men?"
"No, that's not what I meant," Onozuka replied. "He was sneaking around gathering information about me behind my back. He found out that I was part of the Nakata family long before that tabloid story broke, but he never let on that he knew. I only figured it out when he didn't act as surprised as he should have been when the news finally became public. And he lied to me--he let me think that he only wanted a casual relationship, but now he says he was serious all along."
"Ah, I see," Iwaki said thoughtfully. "Well, I don't blame you for being angry at him. Personally, I think that honesty is very important in a relationship, and if the two of you decide to stay together, that's something that you'll need to work on." Onozuka frowned, because despite the vague wording, he had the impression that Iwaki was referring to him as much as he was to Kikuchi. Iwaki smiled pleasantly at him and continued, "However, as unethical as Kikuchi-san's actions might be, they do seem to support his claim that he's serious about you. After all, I doubt that he would do such intensive research about someone that he didn't really care about."
Onozuka stared down into the empty glass, not sure whether he wanted Iwaki to be proven right or wrong. If Kikuchi was just using him, then Onozuka could dump him with a clear conscience, which would make his life much simpler. Except that he didn't want to give Kikuchi up, and just thinking about it made him start to feel panicky again, so he tried not to think about it--without much success.
"I believe that you're afraid of the same thing I was afraid of," Iwaki said gently. "You're afraid that someday he might break up with you, so you're thinking that maybe it's better to cut things off now and reject him before he rejects you. But the result is the same either way--you'll end up alone. So rather than just giving up, isn't it worth taking the chance that you could find happiness together?"
"I'm not you, and I'm not afraid!" Onozuka snapped.
***
Onozuka glared at him, but Iwaki took no offense. If anything, he empathized with the younger man--Onozuka was clearly in denial, something that Iwaki was very familiar with. Given that Onozuka had received a double shock from both Kikuchi and Miyasaka in the same night, it was no surprise that he was having a difficult time dealing with the situation. Nothing would be gained from pushing him right now, Iwaki decided. Onozuka needed some time to come to terms with his feelings, and that was something that he would have to do on his own, as much as Iwaki would've liked to spare Onozuka that pain and confusion.
"I'm sorry if I was projecting my own feelings onto you," Iwaki apologized, and Onozuka gave him a puzzled look, seeming almost disappointed--and maybe he was. Perhaps he'd been hoping that an argument with Iwaki would distract him from his romantic problems.
Despite his disappointment, Onozuka's anger seemed defused by Iwaki's calm response, and he added in a much less hostile voice, "Besides, I'm used to being alone."
He sounded so matter-of-fact about it that Iwaki felt a touch of pity for the young actor. Onozuka was outwardly very charming and gregarious--it was practically a requirement of their profession, after all. But beneath the surface charm, he was self-sufficient to the point of being closed off. He let the public and his coworkers see the Prince, but he didn't really open up and show his true self to anyone but Katou and Miyasaka--and by default, Iwaki himself, mostly because he was part of Katou's life. Even then, Iwaki was beginning to understand that there were facets to Onozuka that not even his best friends had seen before.
Onozuka reminded Iwaki a lot of his younger self--he too had devoted himself to his career, telling himself that he didn't need other people. Until Katou had moved in with him, he'd only had casual acquaintances and bed partners, no true friends or lovers that he could really count on. He had preferred it that way--it was better not to depend too much on anyone, because they would inevitably let you down at some point. Iwaki had taken pride in relying on no one but himself, but in hindsight, it had been a very bleak and lonely existence. Onozuka was a little better off than Iwaki in that respect--he at least had his friendship with Katou and Miyasaka. Still, Iwaki felt a little sad that Onozuka's life seemed to be almost as solitary as his own had been.
There were other similarities, too--while Onozuka had refused to go into detail, Katou had gotten the impression that there was some truth to the media's claims that Onozuka was estranged from his family due to his choice of careers. Iwaki could relate to that, of course, and he wanted to warn Onozuka not to make the same mistakes he'd made, to mend things with his family before it was too late.
But Onozuka was already upset about Miyasaka and Kikuchi, and Iwaki sensed that he would probably reject any unasked for advice about his family out of hand. Maybe Iwaki could try discussing it with him later, after Onozuka had settled his current problems.
So Iwaki just smiled pleasantly and said, "Well, it's probably a good idea not to rush into anything at the moment. I'm glad that you're taking the time to think things over."
"Exactly," Onozuka agreed, although he gave Iwaki a slightly suspicious look. "I'm not like Miya-chan, who always acts without thinking."
Just then, the front door slammed and Katou called out cheerfully, "Hey, I'm home!"
"Welcome back!" Iwaki replied. "We're in the kitchen."
Katou walked in, carrying take-out boxes that smelled of tomato sauce and garlic. "I hope you don't mind Italian, Onozuka."
"That's fine," Onozuka replied, smiling wanly. "After all, I'm just a freeloader, so I can't complain, right?"
"That's right!" Katou declared with a fierce mock-scowl. "You're invading the home of a honeymooning couple, so you'll eat what you're given and be grateful for it!"
"Katou!" Iwaki scolded, but Onozuka laughed, sounding much more like his old self.
"You got married ages ago! Just how long is the honeymoon supposed to go on?"
"Every day that I spend with Iwaki-san is like a honeymoon," Katou crooned, planting a kiss on Iwaki's mouth.
"No wonder Yoshizumi-san is always complaining about how nauseating you guys are!" Onozuka groaned.
"Should a freeloader be complaining like that?" Katou retorted, giving Onozuka a light swat on the head.
Iwaki smiled as he watched the two bicker playfully. Maybe he was worrying a little too much about Onozuka, after all--at least he had a steady and loyal friend like Katou to rely on in times of need.
Onozuka helped to serve the food, and when he had his back turned to them for a moment, Katou caught Iwaki's eye and gave him a questioning look. Iwaki knew that he was wondering if he should talk to Onozuka about Miyasaka, and Iwaki shook his head slightly in response, trying to convey the message, It's better to leave him alone for now.
Katou picked up on his silent cue and nodded, then turned back to Onozuka and began talking cheerfully about the restaurant that he'd picked up tonight's dinner from, saying that it had just recently opened in the neighborhood and that the chef had actually studied in Italy.
The food was delicious, but Iwaki noticed that Onozuka just picked at his meal halfheartedly. Katou carried on most of the conversation, talking about the new movie he was filming, and Onozuka listened quietly without any of his usual sly and witty remarks. Iwaki smiled, trying to hide his own misgivings about Katou's upcoming location shoot, but Onozuka proved that he wasn't as distracted as he seemed when he said, "You must be worried about Katou filming in the Middle East."
"Well, I can't help but worry a little about Katou going to such a dangerous place," Iwaki admitted. "But it's part of his job, so I'll do my best to support him by praying for his safety and the success of the film."
"There's nothing to worry about," Katou declared with a mischievous wink. "Iwaki-san gave me a special good-luck charm to protect me!"
"Katou!" Iwaki exclaimed, blushing as he glared at his lover. He had been so worried about Katou's upcoming trip that he'd agreed to give Katou one of his pubic hairs as a protective charm, but that was definitely not something that Iwaki wanted to share with Onozuka--or anyone else, for that matter!
Fortunately for Iwaki, Onozuka warned Katou, "If it's something pervy or nauseatingly sappy, I don't want to hear about it!"
"That's fine, because it's a secret just between me and Iwaki-san," Katou replied, giving Iwaki a smile that managed to be both smug and tender at the same time.
Onozuka laughed and reassured Iwaki with a grin, "Don't worry--Katou wouldn't dare die, because that would leave you alone and unprotected from the vast horde of men that he believes can't resist you!"
"He's being sarcastic, but it's true," Katou said, pretending to swat at Onozuka with a breadstick. "I will come safely home to my Iwaki-san no matter what!"
Iwaki was still embarrassed, but at least that brief exchange seemed to have relaxed Onozuka a little, and he ate with more appetite and conversed with them in a more natural manner after that.
After they finished eating, Katou began clearing the dirty dishes from the table. Iwaki started to help him, but Onozuka waved him off, saying, "Please relax, Iwaki-san; I'll help Katou with the dishes." He smiled wryly and added, "As a freeloader, it's the least I can do to earn my keep."
"You're a welcome guest," Iwaki said politely, but smiled and left the kitchen to the two of them in case Onozuka wanted to speak privately with Katou.
***
Katou washed the dishes and Onozuka dried them, working in silence for a couple of minutes until Onozuka asked hesitantly, "Say, Katou...?"
"Yes?"
"How did you know that Iwaki-san was 'the one'?" Onozuka asked, and before Katou could reply, he hastily added, "And don't say that you just knew, because that's no help at all!"
Katou frowned thoughtfully, taking the time to consider Onozuka's question as he scrubbed at a dirty plate. "Well, to be honest, I didn't know right away that he was 'the one,' but I was fascinated by him ever since we first met. I accepted a role in my first porn film mainly as a lark, and Iwaki-san treated me with contempt because he saw that I wasn't taking it seriously. I was offended but intrigued, and I became impressed when I saw how hard he worked at becoming a better actor, and how seriously he took every role, no matter if it was only an AV film or a bit part in a TV drama. I apologized to him later, but he still acted cold and arrogant towards me, and I became determined to succeed in the business just so that I could show him up and make him acknowledge that I was better than him."
Onozuka couldn't help but laugh. "You idiot, you were obsessed with him from the start!"
Katou grinned sheepishly and replied, "I saw him as a rival back then, not a romantic partner, but yeah, I was obsessed. You know about the audition for Sawa-sensei's movie, right?"
"Sure, it was rumored that the two of you had sex for real during the audition."
"Yeah, we did," Katou confessed without any shame. "It was the first time that I'd really been with a guy. I mean, I'd done threesomes in some of my AV films, but it was always two guys sharing a girl, not two guys getting it on with each other. I wasn't ashamed or disgusted about the idea of having sex with Iwaki-san--it was just part of the job, and I was willing to do anything to win that role."
Onozuka raised his eyebrows skeptically and said, "I think it was a little more than 'just part of the job.'"
"Maybe," Katou admitted. "It's kind of hard to look back objectively on it now. Anyway, once we got down to business, I started enjoying it, and we both got carried away, and well...it became more than just an audition." He added smugly and with pride, "But Iwaki-san was the first one to get carried away, not me!"
"That's kind of hard to believe," Onozuka teased his friend. "But I would really love to see that audition tape!"
"Don't be a perv," Katou scolded, flicking some soapy water at Onozuka. "That was a special moment between me and Iwaki-san. Anyway, that was when I first began to feel something more than rivalry for Iwaki-san, but it wasn't just the sex. Iwaki-san had been kind of losing his fire--he'd been coasting through his last few roles, while my career was starting to take off. I think he'd given up hope at that point of ever being able to break through as a mainstream actor. But instead of feeling triumphant, I found myself feeling disappointed and cheated. I realized that I'd become his rival because I admired him, and there was no satisfaction in beating an opponent who had already given up. I wanted to compete against an Iwaki-san at the top of his game--I wanted to see the confident, driven actor who had first hurt my pride and spurred me on as an actor. He got back his fire in the middle of that audition, and I found myself being captivated by him again. But this time, I saw him as more than a rival, and I decided that someday I'd make him mine. I'd lost the audition, though, and I wanted to meet him as an equal. So when we both got hired in the co-starring roles for the 'Embracing Love' TV series, I decided that it must be fate! I guess that was when I decided that he was 'the one,' but looking back, it had been building up for years, since our very first meeting."
"I see," Onozuka said. It was a fascinating story, and Katou's Iwaki-obsession made a lot more sense now, but he wasn't sure that it was helping him to sort out his feelings for Kikuchi.
"Do you think that Kikuchi is 'the one' for you?" Katou asked.
"I don't know," Onozuka admitted reluctantly. "I like him--when I'm not being pissed off at him, that is--and the sex is amazing, but...it's hard to picture us living like this." He made a sweeping gesture, meant to take in the entire house. "You know, playing house together like a happily married couple, and being all lovey-dovey like you and Iwaki-san."
"Well, you don't have to be the same kind of couple that Iwaki-san and I are," Katou replied gravely. "Just because you don't feel all sappy about Kikuchi doesn't mean that you don't love him."
The uncharacteristically serious mood made Onozuka a bit uncomfortable, even though he was the one who had brought up this subject to begin with. Attempting to lighten things a little, he recoiled with mock horror and exclaimed, "It can't be that Katou is actually encouraging me to get together with a man who dared to lay hands on his precious Iwaki-san!" He placed a hand on Katou's forehead and said, "Hmm...you don't seem to have a fever, but you certainly sound delirious."
"I'm perfectly fine," Katou said, gently pushing Onozuka's hand away. "I don't like Kikuchi-san and I doubt that I ever will, but if he really makes you happy, then I'll put up with him for your sake. And honestly, I am wondering if he is 'the one' for you, because I've never seen you taken aback like this before, or at such a loss over what to do."
Onozuka winced. Katou acted like a goofball most of the time, so it was easy to underestimate him until he took you by surprise at moments like these, when he showed how perceptive he was and cut to the heart of the matter--with razor-sharp precision in this case. But still, Onozuka was touched by Katou's willingness to call a truce with a hated enemy for his sake, and he felt a little ashamed that he had underestimated his friend, believing that Katou would encourage him to pair up with Miyasaka in order to eliminate Miyasaka as a threat to Iwaki's virtue, if not his affections.
He felt that he owed Katou an honest answer in return, even if it meant examining feelings he would much rather have left alone. Katou waited patiently while Onozuka struggled with still-raw emotions, and the dishes were all washed and dried before Onozuka finally whispered, "Iwaki-san asked me how I'd feel if Kikuchi and I broke up and he started dating someone else, and...it scared the hell out of me. I don't want to lose him, but I'm not sure that I trust him enough to have a permanent relationship with him, either."
Katou patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. "Well, I'm not exactly an unbiased observer, so it's hard for me to say whether you can trust Kikuchi or not. All I can say is that Iwaki-san thinks that he's mended his ways. And if he does break your heart, I'll be happy to kick his ass for you."
Onozuka burst into genuine laughter, although it did come out sounding a bit shaky. "Thanks, Katou, but you almost got fired when you punched him in the face the first time. It might be better if I just poison him instead."
Katou gave him an uncertain and slightly worried look, as if he was trying to figure out whether Onozuka was joking or not. "I wouldn't mourn his loss, but it does sound like you're leaning towards him over Miyasaka." He still looked worried, but he smiled and asked lightly, "Does this mean that there's no hope for our poor love-struck friend?"
"Miyasaka is an idiot," Onozuka replied automatically, but he couldn't stop himself from flushing when he remembered how good it had felt to have Miyasaka kissing and touching him--even if it was a purely physical reaction, as he kept trying to convince himself.
"Sure he's an idiot," Katou agreed readily, but he obviously took notice of Onozuka's blush. "That doesn't mean that it's impossible to fall in love with an idiot, or there would be a hell of a lot more single guys--and women--out there."
"Do you really think that I have the bad taste to fall in love with an idiot?" Onozuka scoffed.
"No offense, Onozuka, but you were dating Kikuchi, so I'm not too impressed with your taste in men," Katou replied frankly. "In my biased opinion, of course."
"Touché," Onozuka acknowledged.
"Tell me the truth, Onozuka," Katou said seriously. "How do you feel about Miyasaka, all joking aside?"
Onozuka sighed wearily and replied, "He's my friend, and I don't want that to change."
"So you're not attracted to him?" Katou asked, and Onozuka winced again.
"Well, I am gay, and I won't deny that he's an attractive guy, even if he is an idiot," Onozuka hedged, reluctant to admit that he'd harbored secret feelings for his best friend. "Maybe if he'd made his move before I'd met Kikuchi...if I could've been sure that he wanted me for myself and not as a substitute for Iwaki-san, or as the object of some bisexual phase that he's going through..." His voice trailed off wistfully, and he blushed again when he saw Katou giving him a startled look; clearly Katou hadn't been expecting that response. "But even if I could be sure that he was sincere, it still wouldn't work out," Onozuka continued in a brisk voice. "You know that he can't see gay relationships in terms of anything other than being 'the man' or 'the woman,' and it would be bound to screw up any hypothetical relationship that we could have." Katou pursed his lips thoughtfully, then nodded in agreement. Onozuka added with a slightly forced grin, "Besides, I have too much fun abusing him, and it wouldn't be right to treat a lover that way."
"I don't know about love, but you have rather twisted ideas about friendship," Katou observed dryly. "Which makes me question why I'm friends with you, your Highness."
"Because you're a masochist, of course," Onozuka quipped.
"So you don't abuse Kikuchi?" Katou asked with a wry smile.
"He wouldn't let me get away with it," Onozuka replied, his smile fading. "It's true that we enjoy--enjoyed--matching wits against each other, but it's more of a give-and-take thing. Miyasaka is too much of an easy victim."
"You know, sometimes you're not a very nice person, Onozuka," Katou sighed, but he patted Onozuka on the head with an air of patient fondness, like an older brother. "But at least you're honest about it. I'd feel sorry for Miyasaka if the two of you started dating--you'd eat the poor guy alive!" He paused and added in a more serious voice, "I know that he's caused you a lot of trouble and that you don't want to talk to him right now, but...he really was worried about you, you know."
"Yeah, I know," Onozuka said gruffly. "I'll make up with him eventually. It's because I don't want to ruin our friendship that I moved out."
"I know," Katou replied. "Actually, I think it was a good idea to give him a few days to cool down and come to his senses. And I think you could use some cooling-off time, too." Onozuka flushed, and Katou just smiled and said, "Come on, I'll show you to the guest room."
Nothing was resolved, but Onozuka felt a little better after his talk with Katou, and was comforted by Katou's concern for him, if nothing else. He spent some time after dinner chatting about inconsequential things with Katou and Iwaki, but turned in early--partly to give the couple what privacy he could, and partly because he was exhausted emotionally after today and the previous night's events.
He quickly fell asleep, but was woken sometime later by the sound of low, passionate moans.
"Oh...oh, Iwaki-san!"
"Katou, shhh! You'll wake up Onozuka-kun!"
"Too late," Onozuka said sourly.
He didn't think he'd spoken loudly enough to be overheard, but Katou said defiantly, "So what? He's just a freeloader, so he can't complain about a happily married couple expressing their affection for each other!"
"Is that what you call it?" Onozuka muttered sarcastically.
"Katou, you shouldn't--ah!"
"Did you like that, Iwaki-san?"
"Mmm...ah...yes, but..." Iwaki seemed to be trying to stifle his moans, but before long he forgot himself and was shouting, "Oh, Katou, yes! Please, more...harder!"
"Nnh...ahh...Iwaki-san!"
"Katou!"
"Arrgh!" Onozuka groaned, pulling his pillow over his head in an attempt to muffle the sounds coming from the next room. Unfortunately, it did little good, and the volume of the cries and moans continued to increase.
"Damn it!" Onozuka cursed. He grabbed his pillow and blanket and retreated downstairs to the living room, figuring that he could sleep on the couch. However, Iwaki and Katou's lovemaking was still clearly audible, and Onozuka glared up at the ceiling.
It wasn't just the noise that bothered him. All that shameless moaning (a side effect of their former porn careers, perhaps) was highly arousing and couldn't help but remind him of his last interrupted lovemaking session with Kikuchi. And in turn, that made him crave the sensation of Kikuchi's mouth on his, of Kikuchi's hands on his body. When Iwaki moaned, "Harder, Katou," Onozuka couldn't help but remember how good it had felt to have Kikuchi's cock moving inside him, and once again he cursed himself for throwing Kikuchi out before he'd had a chance to get off.
He felt himself growing hard, but resisted the urge to masturbate because he knew that he wouldn't be able to resist thinking of Kikuchi, and he didn't want to weaken his resolve and forgive his devious, maddening, and infuriating lover just yet. Nor did he want any images of Miyasaka creeping into his mind as they had last night.
"God, aren't they ever going to finish?" Onozuka grumbled to himself, but the noises seemed to go on and on. Sure, porn stars had to have stamina, but this was ridiculous!
Finally, blessed silence fell over the house after one last "Oh yes, Katou!" and "I love you, Iwaki-san!" Onozuka sighed with relief and briefly contemplated going back up to the guest room, but was so tired that he decided to just remain on the couch.
His own unrelieved arousal made it difficult to fall asleep, but eventually he started to doze off---just as a low moan of "Ohhh, Katou," filtered down from the bedroom upstairs.
"Not again!" Onozuka groaned. He felt a sudden deep sympathy for Yoshizumi, and realized that the other actor hadn't been exaggerating when he'd said that Iwaki and Katou had kept him up all night at the inn they'd been staying at while filming "Winter Cicadas."
Onozuka had been trying to be a polite guest, but he finally lost it and shouted, "Hey, some of us are trying to sleep down here!"
"Freeloaders don't get to complain!" Katou retorted unrepentantly, while Iwaki called down in a mortified voice, "I'm so sorry, Onozuka-kun!" There were muted sounds of grumbling (from Katou) and scolding (from Iwaki), and then the house went silent again. But after a few minutes, the moaning started up again, more muffled this time, and it wasn't long before the couple forgot themselves and Iwaki started shouting, "Oh yes, Katou! I want it harder...deeper!"
"You want it harder? Then I'll give you what you want, Iwaki-san!"
"Oh, Katou!"
"I can't take it anymore!" Onozuka groaned. There was a box of tissues sitting on a nearby table, and he tore up and wadded bits of tissue into two makeshift earplugs, but they muffled the loud cries only slightly. In desperation, Onozuka retreated into the bathroom, lined the empty tub with some towels for padding, and bedded down there with his blanket and pillow. It wasn't perfect, but the enclosed room muffled the sounds a little better than the open living room.
"I don't know how their neighbors get any sleep," Onozuka muttered to himself. Then it suddenly occurred to him that he and Kikuchi got a little loud in the bedroom themselves sometimes, and he uneasily wondered just how well soundproofed Kikuchi's apartment was. He tried to reassure himself that they couldn't possibly be anywhere near as loud as Iwaki and Katou, and that since none of Kikuchi's neighbors had reported their affair to the tabloids, they were probably safe.
Of course, it was sort of a moot point right now, since he wasn't planning to be in Kikuchi's bed anytime soon. But that thought reminded him of how much he missed Kikuchi, which was ridiculous--they had quarreled just last night, which was not nearly enough time to miss someone. So why did he feel a sense of loneliness and longing, as if they'd been apart for weeks?
Onozuka tossed and turned all night, and it wasn't due solely to the discomfort of his makeshift bed, or even the overly enthusiastic lovers upstairs. Instead, it was thoughts of Kikuchi and Miyasaka that made his sleep restless, along with Iwaki's warning of "Be careful that you don't throw away what's most precious to you."
***
"Gee, you look like crap," Katou said when Onozuka stumbled bleary-eyed into the kitchen where his friend was just starting breakfast.
"That's because I couldn't get any sleep last night," Onozuka replied, glaring at Katou accusingly.
"Where the heck were you sleeping, anyway?" Katou asked. "You weren't in the guest room or on the couch. At first I thought you'd left for work before we got up, but your bag was still in your room."
"I was sleeping in the downstairs bathtub," Onozuka said sourly.
Iwaki walked into the room just in time to hear that last sentence, and asked in a puzzled voice, "Why were you sleeping in the tub, Onozuka-kun?"
"Because sleeping in the room next to you guys was like trying to sleep with a porn video blasting at full volume!" Onozuka retorted. "The bathroom was the only place where the sound was muffled just a little. Even so, I could hear well enough to be able to tell that you guys did it three times last night!"
Iwaki blushed and apologized, "I'm sorry, Onozuka-kun. We didn't intend to keep you up."
"Hey, you were the one who invited yourself over," Katou defended himself. "You can't expect a happily married couple to abstain from making love, especially when I'm going to be leaving on a trip soon--we have to make up for all the time that we'll be apart!"
"I didn't invite myself over!" Onozuka said indignantly. "Iwaki-san was the one who called me and invited me to stay in the guest room!"
"That's true," Iwaki reminded Katou. "I'm sorry that we kept you awake, Onozuka-kun. I guess we got a little carried away."
He smiled sheepishly, and Katou leaned over to murmur in his ear, "You are simply irresistible, Iwaki-san. I can't help getting carried away whenever I'm with you."
"You're incorrigible, Katou," Iwaki scolded, but he couldn't hold back a smile, and he sounded more fondly indulgent than angry.
"I'm not the only one who got carried away," Katou said smugly, brushing his lips against Iwaki's.
"Well, that's because you got carried away first," Iwaki protested, blushing, but he gave Katou a brief kiss in return.
"I've had enough!" Onozuka groaned, throwing up his hands in a gesture of both exasperation and defeat, and he ran back upstairs to fetch his duffle bag.
"Hey Onozuka, aren't you going to have some breakfast before you go?" Katou called after him as Onozuka headed for the door.
"No!" Onozuka replied emphatically. "I'm leaving before the two of you start doing it on the kitchen table!"
"Are you coming back tonight after work?" Iwaki asked, glancing at Onozuka's bag. "Or are you going home to sort things out with Miyasaka-kun?"
"Neither," Onozuka said firmly; both options were equally unappealing to him.
"But then where will you stay?" Iwaki asked, sounding concerned.
Onozuka shrugged and replied, "I'll find another friend to stay with, or just rent a hotel room for a few days."
"That would be a waste of money when you can stay with us for free," Iwaki pointed out.
"I really appreciate your kindness, Iwaki-san," Onozuka said, trying not to sound too sarcastic, though judging by the way Katou scowled at him, he didn't completely succeed. "But the peace and quiet will be worth the expense." He flashed a charming, mischievous smile to soften the harshness of his words and added, "The Prince needs to get his beauty rest, after all."
Iwaki chuckled good-naturedly and said, "Well, I'm sorry that we weren't able to be better hosts to you, Onozuka-kun, but feel free to stop by anytime if you need to talk, or just for a friendly visit."
"You needn't feel too free about it," Katou muttered under his breath, and Iwaki gave him a stern, quelling glare.
"Thank you, Iwaki-san," Onozuka said politely, ignoring Katou's comment.
"But seriously, Onozuka," Katou said anxiously. "You are going to make up with Miyasaka eventually, right?"
"Eventually," Onozuka agreed sincerely, although he was in no rush to do so right now. "After he's had time to cool his head."
"I think it's other parts of his body that need cooling," Katou said dryly, and Onozuka had to laugh a little.
"You're right," Onozuka said. "See you around, Katou."
"Not if I see you first!" Katou retorted.
***
"What an ungrateful guest," Katou grumbled.
"Don't lie; you're relieved that he's gone, aren't you?" Iwaki replied, shaking his head. "Were you deliberately trying to scare him off by making so much noise last night?"
"Of course not," Katou said, sounding a little offended. "I wouldn't turn away a friend in need, even if he is an inconvenience, but most of all--I could never fake the deep passion that I feel for you, Iwaki-san. When we're together, I just can't hold back." Then he grinned slyly at Iwaki and added, "Besides, you were making just as much noise as I was."
Iwaki blushed deeply, unable to deny Katou's words. "I do feel bad about keeping Onozuka awake."
"He should have known what to expect," Katou said unrepentantly. "And now that he's gone..." He wrapped his arms around Iwaki and purred, "We actually could do it on the kitchen table like he suggested--ow!" He rubbed the top of his head while Iwaki glared at him sternly.
"Apparently it isn't only Miyasaka-kun who needs to cool down certain body parts!"
"But Iwaki-saaaan...!"
Part 13
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I could't help but laugh at that part! XD
Thanks for writing this!
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TeaItalian food and sympathy, good advice and smexin'. Just what a girl needs from her boys. I loved the gentle and sweet scene when Iwaki asked O about losing K.no subject