geri_chan | FIC: Remembrance of Times Past, Part 2 of 3

Title: Remembrance of Times Past, Part 2 of 3
Rating: R overall
Fandom: Boku no Koe, Haru wo Daiteita (Embracing Love)
Pairing: Tanahashi/Kokubu, Kikuchi/Onozuka
Disclaimer: No money is being made off this story; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part.
Word count: ~6,770
Sequel to: Moving Day (See my Fanfic Masterlist for the complete series listing.)
Summary: Kikuchi and Onozuka take on guest-starring roles in a BL anime that Kokubu is working on. An unexpected past connection between Kikuchi and Tanahashi is revealed, which causes problems for both couples.

Author's Note: This was inspired by Snapelike's Yuletide gift fic to me, Sleepless Hearts. So this could be considered an unofficial sequel of sorts, which I'm gifting back to her!

Part 1

***

Tanahashi smiled approvingly. The recording was going well--after a few false starts, Kikuchi and Onozuka had picked up on the rhythm of matching their lines to the timing cues, but Tanahashi had expected no less. They were talented and experienced actors, after all. Even more gratifying was the way that Kokubu was holding his own as he performed with them. He'd been surprised and perhaps a little awed when Kikuchi and Onozuka had shown up at the studio, but he hadn't allowed it to affect his work, and didn't seem intimidated or thrown off-balance by their presence.

Which is more than I can say for myself, Tanahashi thought ruefully. He had never expected to meet Kikuchi Katsuya again after so many years, and had been caught completely off-guard. Fortunately, most of the cast and crew had been too focused on the movie stars to notice his reaction, or he might have found his own name turning up in the tabloid gossip rumors. It was Tanahashi's firm belief that it was never good for a manager to receive more publicity than his actors. As it was, Onozuka had noticed, and Tanahashi had the sinking feeling that Kokubu had, too, which meant that he would probably have some rather awkward explaining to do later tonight.

It was a cowardly thought, but Tanahashi wondered if he could avoid seeing Kokubu tonight by claiming that he had to work late at the office and catch up on the paperwork he had neglected this morning. No, he'd already promised to make dinner for Kokubu and besides, that would probably make Kokubu even more suspicious, when really, there was nothing to tell.

Or not much, anyway. He'd had a one night stand with Kikuchi more than a decade ago, before he'd ever met Kokubu. No big deal, nothing to be jealous of--it clearly hadn't been memorable for Kikuchi, because it was obvious that he didn't remember Tanahashi at all. Tanahashi should have felt relieved, but instead felt foolish and a bit humiliated. He was very happy with Kokubu, and it wasn't as if he'd been pining over Kikuchi all these years, but it was a little insulting that Kikuchi had no memory of their past encounter. Tanahashi could remember all of his past lovers, even the casual ones, but he supposed that a big star like Kikuchi had many more lovers than a mere salaryman. (Even if Tanahashi was the one paying his own salary these days as the managing director of Sigma, Kokubu liked to tease him by calling him an "elite salaryman.")

Caught up in his thoughts, Tanahashi nearly jumped out of his skin when Kojima unexpectedly tapped him on the shoulder. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," she whispered. "Everything seems to be going smoothly, so I thought perhaps we could step outside for a moment and get caught up? It's been a long time since we last met."

"Oh yes, of course," Tanahashi said sheepishly. He really was making an idiot of himself today!

They quietly left the room and walked down the hall, pausing in front of a vending machine while Kojima bought two cans of coffee.

"Thanks," Tanahashi said as she handed one to him.

"I don't know about you, but I need to stay caffeinated to keep up with those two," Kojima sighed, gesturing back in the direction of the recording studio.

Tanahashi laughed. "You're doing well to have such prominent clients! Although...doesn't Onozuka-san belong to another agency?"

"Yes, but he and Kikuchi come as a pair these days, so his manager and I have to coordinate their schedules," Kojima replied, taking a sip of her coffee. "One of Fujimoto's other clients has an important audition today, so I agreed to look after them this time. I suppose I can't complain. Kikuchi wasn't given to me as a favor--he had a troublesome reputation, so I got stuck with him as the junior agent. But he's managed to turn things around and become more popular than ever, which in turn makes me look good."

"I'm sure that a great deal of his success is due to you, Kojima-kun," Tanahashi said, and not just to be polite. It was true that some things occurred by luck or chance, like the incident at the Academy Awards providing some free publicity for Kikuchi and Onozuka, but it was a manager's job to handle those chance occurrences in a way that benefited their client. The press conferences and interviews immediately following the outing had no doubt been carefully choreographed in order to portray the relationship as "true love." If the publicity had been handled badly, the fans could just as easily have viewed Kikuchi's affair with the Prince as something sordid.

And that was partly why Tanahashi was so insistent about keeping his own relationship with Kokubu a secret. There was a saying in the business that "all publicity is good publicity," but Tanahashi didn't buy into that. It would be all too easy for a young actor's career to be ruined by a malicious rumor. And even if the fans saw it in the best possible light of "pure love," Kokubu might still find himself being typecast and offered nothing but BL roles.

Tanahashi opened his own can of coffee and took a sip. "I'm surprised that you and Onozuka-san's manager agreed to let them work on this anime. I mean, I know they've already been outed, but still...it's not quite the kind of project that seems appropriate for the Prince's image."

"Well I did owe Sugihara-kantoku a pretty big favor for getting me the job at Starlight," Kojima replied. "But even so, I wouldn't have let Kikuchi-san take the role if I thought it would damage his career. I looked over the script and manga, and they were well-written and pretty tasteful--there are no explicit scenes, at least in the episodes that Kikuchi-san is working on. And the manga-ka has received a lot of praise from the critics for both her mainstream and BL titles."

"So it counts as art, not smut?" Tanahashi asked with a smile.

"Something like that," Kojima agreed. "Since it was a small role that only required a couple days' work, Kikuchi-san was willing to do it, but troublemaker that he is, he suggested that Onozuka-kun get involved, too. As you suspected, Fujimoto--that's Onozuka-kun's manager--had reservations about the idea, but since the fangirls seem to love the Prince's romance with his knight in shining armor, we decided that it wouldn't do any harm. One might even say that same-sex relationships are the current in-thing, what with Iwaki and Katou being such a popular couple."

"I'm not sure I'd go that far," Tanahashi said, trying not to fidget nervously. He still felt a little off-kilter, and the direction this conversation was heading in made him distinctly uncomfortable. Kojima, who had always been perceptive, was giving him a speculative look, and Tanahashi took another sip of his coffee to disguise his unease.

Kojima glanced up and down the hall, checking to see that no one else was in sight. Tanahashi didn't understand why until she gave him a sly, sidelong glance and murmured, "So...you're one of Kikuchi-san's old paramours? You're full of surprises, Tanahashi-san."

Tanahashi choked and coughed, coffee spraying from his mouth and dribbling down his chin. Kojima hastily apologized and offered him a handkerchief, but somehow he didn't think it was a coincidence that she'd waited until his mouth was full before she dropped that bombshell on him.

"Do not even joke about such things, Kojima-kun!" Tanahashi snapped as he wiped his face and dabbed at his suit with the handkerchief. Fortunately, the cloth was dark enough that the stains weren't obvious.

"I wasn't joking," Kojima replied coolly. "You gave it away with your reaction back there--you're just lucky that the others were paying more attention to Kikuchi-san and Onozuka-kun. You might want to be more careful in the future."

"I certainly wasn't expecting to see Kikuchi-san here," Tanahashi said defensively, feeling his face flush. "And anyway, whatever did or didn't happen between us is old history--he obviously doesn't even remember me!"

His words came out sounding a little more disgruntled than he had intended, and Kojima gave him a skeptical look. "Well, just make sure that it stays in the past," she ordered. "Fujimoto and I have worked hard to turn the recent controversy into something positive, and we don't need any further complications."

"Neither do I," Tanahashi said firmly. "I don't want either myself or my actors turning up in the tabloids."

"That client of yours--Kokubu-kun?--he's a good actor and handsome, too," Kojima murmured, as if musing to herself. "Pretty enough to be an idol. It's rather a shame to waste such looks behind a microphone."

Tanahashi bristled at the implied insult to his--or rather, his actors' profession, and said coldly, "Voice acting requires a special talent and Kokubu-kun is very good at what he does. And his looks aren't wasted. He appears at many public events to promote the shows that he works on, and he's popular with the female fans."

"I apologize, Tanahashi-san," Kojima said, bowing her head contritely, but Tanahashi thought he heard a faint hint of humor in her voice. "No offense was intended."

"You were deliberately provoking me," Tanahashi said sternly, which was probably true, although he didn't think that there was any malice in it. "However, your apology is accepted." He tucked the coffee-stained handkerchief into his pocket and said, "I'll wash this and return it to you, although I should really be sending you the dry-cleaning bill for my suit."

"Feel free to send me the bill," Kojima laughed. "And don't worry about the handkerchief--I buy them in bulk," she added with a straight face.

"I never know whether you're joking or not," Tanahashi said, shaking his head.

"I'm serious," Kojima insisted. "I'm always cleaning up messes for my clients, both literally and figuratively."

The recording session continued to run smoothly, and the director was pleased with the work they'd gotten done by the time Kikuchi and Onozuka had to leave. "We're right on track, even a little ahead of schedule," Sugihara said happily. "We shouldn't have any trouble finishing Kikuchi-san and Onozuka-san's scenes by tomorrow." He bowed towards the two actors and said, "Thank you so much for your hard work today."

"Oh, it was our pleasure," Onozuka said warmly. "We had a lot of fun, didn't we, Kikuchi-san?"

"Sure, feel free to call on us again," Kikuchi agreed. He grinned and flung his arm around his lover, a devilish gleam in his eyes as he said, "And maybe give us some sex scenes next time!"

"Kikuchi-san!" Onozuka protested, blushing deeply.

"And I think it's time to go now before Kikuchi-san gets into trouble," Kojima said dryly, shepherding her charges out of the studio. However, she paused on her way out to hand a business card to Kokubu, saying, "If you ever decide to branch out into live action, give me a call."

Kokubu accepted the card with a look of confusion, and Tanahashi said, "It's impolite to try to poach my own clients in front of me, Kojima-kun." Kojima just gave him an enigmatic smile in response as she walked out the door.

"She was just joking, wasn't she, Boss?" Kokubu asked uncertainly.

"Mostly, but not entirely," Tanahashi replied. "Kojima-kun isn't the type to do something like that just as a joke. She probably doesn't really expect you to take her up on her offer, but she wouldn't have made it if she didn't think you had real potential."

Kokubu grinned and said, "I'm flattered, but don't worry--I'm happy being a voice actor and I don't plan to leave Sigma!"

"I'm glad to hear it," Tanahashi chuckled. He glanced at his watch and said, "Well, I had better get back to the office."

"Wait, Tanahashi-san!" Kokubu called out. "We're breaking for lunch, so why don't we grab a bite to eat together before you go back?"

Tanahashi had been hoping to make a quick getaway, but he should have known it wouldn't be that easy. "I really have a lot of work to get caught up on," he hedged.

"But you have to eat, right?" Kokubu persisted. "You're always telling us not to skip meals, so you need to follow your own advice. The office will be in a bind if you get sick because you didn't take care of yourself."

Tanahashi repressed a sigh--trust Kokubu to turn his own words against him! "I'll just grab something I can eat at my desk," he said.

"But Tanahashi-san, you promised to treat me to lunch today," Kokubu whined playfully.

"I did no such thing!" Tanahashi protested.

"Yes, you did!" Kokubu lied brazenly. If Tanahashi hadn't been so embarrassed and eager to get away, he would have been impressed by Kokubu's acting skills. "You said if I worked hard today, you'd treat me, so don't try to weasel out of it now!"

"Kokubu-kun..." Tanahashi sighed wearily.

"Aw, come on, Boss," Kokubu wheedled. "I don't get paid till next week, so I could use a free lunch."

Tanahashi sighed again, torn between irritation and a nostalgic wave of affection. Kokubu was acting more like the bratty young rookie that Tanahashi had first signed to Sigma years ago than the experienced, levelheaded actor that he had matured into. Still, Tanahashi had always had a soft spot for Kokubu, and his brattiness had been just charming enough for Tanahashi to put in the effort of turning that ugly duckling into a swan--figuratively speaking, of course. Kokubu had always been physically beautiful, but it had taken a lot of patience and hard work to tame Kokubu's hotheaded nature without dampening his passion for acting.

Other people at the studio were turning to look at them--with amusement mostly, but if Tanahashi continued to resist Kokubu's entreaties, they might start wondering why. "Fine," Tanahashi gave in, but he intended to give Kokubu a stern lecture on the need for discretion. It was Kokubu's career that he was trying to protect, after all!

"Great," Kokubu said cheerfully, looking pleased to have gotten his way. "There's a nice little ramen shop nearby."

Tanahashi chose a table at the back of the restaurant, hoping for some privacy, although it was quickly filling up with office workers on their lunch breaks. He was slightly reassured by the fact that the other customers paid no attention to them, and mostly seemed intent on eating quickly and getting back to work (if they were alone), or indulging in a bit of office gossip (if they were in a group).

Kokubu ordered a bowl of ramen and a side order of gyoza, and began tucking into his food with good appetite. Tanahashi ordered just the ramen, but found himself toying with his noodles instead of eating as he anticipated the questions that Kokubu was bound to ask.

Sure enough, Kokubu said casually, "So about Kikuchi-san--"

"There's nothing to tell," Tanahashi interrupted in a brisk, no-nonsense voice. "As I said, I met him once years ago--end of story."

"Except that's not the whole story, is it?" Kokubu said, undeterred. "You didn't meet Kikuchi at a party, or if you did, there was more to the meeting than that."

"Keep your voice down!" Tanahashi hissed, glancing around to see if anyone had overheard them, but so far no one was paying them any heed. "And I say there was nothing more to it than that!"

Kokubu glared at him, but lowered his voice to a whisper. "You've never lied to me before, so don't start now, Tanahashi-san," Kokubu said angrily. "It'll make me wonder what you're hiding."

Tanahashi felt both guilty and a little hurt by that accusation. He had always been truthful with Kokubu for as long as they'd known each other, even when that truth was less than pleasant--except perhaps for being in denial about his feelings for the young actor. And it was true that Tanahashi hadn't met Kikuchi at a party, but he hadn't meant to lie, either. It was only that the truth was too complicated to explain in a public setting, and the encounter with Kikuchi really hadn't meant anything to him. It had been nothing more than a night's pleasure, the connection brief and purely physical--it certainly couldn't compare to what he had with Kokubu now. Didn't Kokubu know how much Tanahashi cared about him? Didn't he realize that the white lie was for his own protection, to ward off unwanted speculation and gossip?

So Tanahashi found himself saying a little more curtly than he'd intended, "I am not having this discussion with you now, Kokubu-kun!"

"But--" Kokubu protested stubbornly.

"I repeat: we are not having this discussion," Tanahashi said firmly. "We can talk about this later, in private." When Kokubu pouted, Tanahashi sighed irritably and said, "This is why I was reluctant to get involved with someone at the agency. We agreed that we would keep our personal and professional lives separate."

"No, you dictated and expected me to obey," Kokubu retorted. "I never actually got any say in the matter. You said that you wanted to keep business and pleasure separate, but it seems like you get to be the boss all the time, and I'm still just your employee!"

Kokubu was showing some of his old temper and willfulness, and this time Tanahashi didn't find it so cute. "Stop being so childish!" he snapped.

"Excuse me, Boss," Kokubu replied sarcastically, pointedly emphasizing the last word. "Forgive me for not following orders."

Now Tanahashi was angry as well as hurt. He'd gone out of his way to avoid taking advantage of Kokubu, which was why he had been so adamant about keeping work and romance separate. Kokubu had said that he understood and insisted that it was his own choice as a consenting adult to be with Tanahashi. So for Kokubu to claim that Tanahashi was abusing his authority in their personal relationship--the unfairness of that accusation really stung.

And even though they were speaking quietly, their voices were growing heated, and people were beginning to turn and glance curiously in their direction. They probably couldn't actually hear what Tanahashi and Kokubu were saying, but they could probably tell that the two men in the back corner of the room were having an argument.

"That's enough, Kokubu-kun!" Tanahashi said a low, urgent voice. "People are beginning to stare."

Kokubu abruptly pushed his chair back and stood up, leaving his meal half-eaten on the table. "I'm sorry to embarrass you, Tanahashi-san," he said coldly. "Since you're ashamed to be seen with me, I'll remove myself from your presence."

"That's not what I meant!" Tanahashi protested, but Kokubu was already stalking away and heading for the door--which of course only attracted more attention.

Tanahashi considered going after Kokubu, but decided it would be better to give him some time to cool off. It had been years since Kokubu had indulged in such a childish fit of temper, and Tanahashi was still feeling bewildered about what had brought it on. Was Kokubu jealous of Kikuchi? Surely Kokubu didn't think that there was anything going on between himself and Kikuchi, or that he had some sort of unrequited feelings for Kikuchi! If Kokubu could have waited until they were alone, Tanahashi would have told him just how silly such an idea was.

He also couldn't help feeling that Kokubu should have trusted him. Tanahashi wasn't the sort given to dramatic displays of emotion or romantic gestures, but he thought that he'd made it clear how he felt about Kokubu. And even if they'd only been dating for a few months, they had worked together for years, so Kokubu ought to know that Tanahashi wasn't the type to deceive someone or break a commitment, whether professional or personal.

Tanahashi went back to the office and tried to distract himself with work, but his mind kept drifting back to Kokubu. Kurokawa stopped by to sign a contract (for another BL anime) and gave Tanahashi a quizzical look, saying, "You seem a bit preoccupied, Tanahashi-san. Is everything all right?"

"Yes, everything's fine," Tanahashi replied hastily. "It's just that I had to rearrange my schedule at the last minute, and I'm still catching up on what I should have been doing this morning. Sorry, I guess I'm a little distracted."

"Ah yes, I heard that there was a casting change in Kokubu-kun's drama," Kurokawa said. "Who's the replacement? I heard that it was supposed to be a big-name actor."

Tanahashi hesitated. He hadn't actually been told to keep Kikuchi and Onozuka's involvement a secret, but neither had the casting change been officially announced yet. It was inevitable that it would leak if a press release wasn't issued soon, but Tanahashi thought it would be better if the leak didn't come from his office.

"I can't say anything until it's announced, but two famous actors have signed on as guest stars," Tanahashi said. "I'm sure that you'll hear about it soon."

"Kokubu-kun must be really excited," Kurokawa said.

"Yes, he is," Tanahashi replied, trying to sound upbeat.

If Kurokawa noticed any strain in Tanahashi's voice, he didn't let on. He just grinned and said, "Kokubu-kun is getting quite a few BL roles these days, isn't he? Pretty soon he'll be an old hand at it, like Hosaka-kun and me. Who knows, maybe he and I will be playing lovers one of these days!"

It was a good thing that Tanahashi wasn't drinking anything at the moment, or he would have done a spit-take for the second time that day. He forced himself to laugh, then said, "I think that might make Hosaka-kun a little jealous."

Perhaps it was a bit cruel of him to tease Kurokawa that way, since Hosaka's crush on the older actor was obvious to anyone with eyes to see. However, it did serve as an effective distraction, because Kurokawa laughed nervously, "Oh, you're such a kidder, Tanahashi-san!" Then he made up an excuse about needing to get back to work (even though Tanahashi knew that he didn't have any more recording sessions scheduled for today), and beat a hasty retreat.

Tanahashi continued working, jumping slightly every time his phone rang, but the calls were all business-related. When the end of the work day was drawing near and there was still no word from Kokubu, Tanahashi decided to send him an e-mail. He started off on a conciliatory note, typing, "Come over to my place for dinner tonight, and I'll be happy to explain everything to you." But he also wanted to be firm and let Kokubu know that today's public outburst had been inappropriate, so he added, "As long as we can discuss things calmly, like rational adults."

He stopped by the grocery store on the way home to pick up the fixings for sukiyaki, and set up the hotpot on the dining table. However, after an hour and then two passed by, it became obvious that Kokubu was not going to come over tonight. Tanahashi checked his phone, hoping that somehow he'd missed a message from Kokubu saying that he had to work late, but there was nothing. He even called the recording studio but only got the answering machine, so they must have closed up for the night.

Tanahashi considered calling Kokubu directly, but he was hurt that Kokubu had stood him up. So he certainly wasn't going to plead with Kokubu to come over when he was behaving so childishly and didn't even have the common courtesy to call and say that he couldn't--or wouldn't--come over tonight, especially when they'd made specific plans for dinner.

He was in no mood for a sukiyaki dinner now, so he left the unused ingredients in the fridge and put away the hotpot. Knowing that he should eat something even though he had no appetite, he fixed himself a sandwich and mechanically ate it without really tasting it.

Having nothing better to do, Tanahashi tried to look over some contracts and audition announcements that he'd brought home, but couldn't concentrate. He finally gave up the night as a loss and went to bed, hoping that tomorrow would turn out better. But sleep did not come easily--the bed felt cold and empty without Kokubu beside him, and he found his thoughts turning towards his first meeting with Kikuchi...

***

Tanahashi was determined to work in the entertainment industry, and had been fortunate enough to be hired by one of the biggest talent agencies in the country. He started off as a lowly assistant at one of the branch offices, but he knew that he had to pay his dues in order to advance, and he worked hard, treating even the most menial tasks as if they were of the utmost importance. Inamori, the section chief, was impressed by his dedication and took Tanahashi under his wing.

He and Inamori got along well, and over the weeks and months, respect turned into friendship, and friendship turned into something more intimate. They conducted their affair discreetly, and since their job often entailed working long hours, no one thought it odd that the chief and his protégé spent a lot of time together. Neither of them ever mentioned the word "love," but Tanahashi had no doubt that he loved Inamori, and he thought that Inamori felt the same way about him.

And then one day he was proven wrong when Inamori announced that he'd gotten a promotion and would be transferring to the main office. Also, he would be moving to a new apartment, since the commute from his current residence would be impractical.

"Congratulations--that's great!" Tanahashi said, genuinely pleased for his lover although it meant that they wouldn't be able to see each other as often.

"Thank you, Tanahashi-kun," Inamori said, patting him on the shoulder. "I'll really miss you."

"You make it sound so permanent, like you're moving overseas," Tanahashi laughed. "I know it will be difficult to coordinate our schedules, but we can still find ways to spend time together." When Inamori gave him an uncomfortable and apologetic look, Tanahashi asked uncertainly, "Can't we?"

"I like you a lot, Tanahashi-kun," Inamori said gently. "But you knew that this wasn't going to be a permanent thing, right?"

"Right," Tanahashi echoed in a hollow voice as he silently cursed himself for being a fool. "Not a permanent thing."

"What we had was fun, but it couldn't last," Inamori continued. He patted Tanahashi on the shoulder again, a little too heartily this time. "Someday you'll want to settle down and get married and have a family."

"Well...I don't...I'm not..." Tanahashi stammered awkwardly, wondering how the man he had thought he loved had transformed into someone that he didn't know at all. He took a deep breath, then said, "I don't like women that way."

"It's not about liking or not liking," Inamori replied. "It's okay for a young guy like you to be single, but when you get older, people will start wondering if you don't get married. Besides, you want kids to carry on the family name, don't you?"

Tanahashi had occasionally felt a wistful regret over the fact that he would probably never have any children, but right now he was too focused on his career for that regret to be more than vague and hypothetical. "It's not fair to the woman if I marry someone I don't love," he argued.

"Marrying for love is a relatively recent concept," Inamori replied gravely. "Marriage used to be about two families making alliances for political or financial reasons, not about two individuals falling in love. Even today, people still sometimes make arranged marriages. If you work hard to support your family and treat your wife well, then she has nothing to complain about. And if you choose to seek a little pleasure for yourself on the side...as long as you're discreet, what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

"Well, I don't think I can do that," Tanahashi said miserably. He almost asked Inamori if he intended to make an arranged marriage, then decided that it didn't matter. If Inamori was the kind of man who thought there was nothing wrong with a husband cheating on his wife, then he wasn't the sort of man that Tanahashi wanted to be with, even if he suddenly changed his mind about breaking off their relationship.

"You always were the idealistic type," Inamori said, smiling at Tanahashi fondly, and perhaps a bit patronizingly. "I feel badly about ending things this way, so take this as a going-away present from me." He took out his wallet and pulled out what looked at first glance like a credit or bank card, then handed it to Tanahashi. It was black, with gold lettering that indicated the bearer was a member of something called the "Narcissus Club."

"Since I'm moving, I won't need this anymore, so I transferred my membership over to your name," Inamori explained. "It's...well, let's call it a gentlemen's club--very discreet and exclusive, if you know what I mean." He winked at Tanahashi and said, "Go out and have some fun, enjoy some companionship. You'll forget about me in no time."

"Thank you," Tanahashi said as he accepted the card. He didn't feel very grateful, but he also didn't see any point in making a scene--tears or recriminations would not change Inamori's mind. Besides, although he ought to feel angry and betrayed, Tanahashi just felt numb and weary, and he couldn't seem to summon up enough energy to start an argument.

He never intended to use Inamori's parting gift, but a few weeks after Inamori transferred to the main office, his engagement to the president's daughter was officially announced. In hindsight, Tanahashi wasn't surprised, but it still hurt to hear the news. So although he didn't usually indulge in such things, he decided to go to the club and drown his sorrows in alcohol or casual sex or maybe both.

Tanahashi was a little nervous and not quite sure what to expect, but the club seemed like a normal, though very upscale bar--except, of course, that there were no women present. There were men laughing and flirting over drinks at small round tables just big enough to comfortably seat two people, and other men talking more intimately in booths off to the side of the room where the lighting was dimmer, probably to encourage such intimacy. If so, it was successful--a few of the couples had moved beyond talk and were actually making out.

Blushing, Tanahashi looked away, finding his bravado rapidly disappearing. He went over and took a seat at the bar, which seemed safer than sitting among the amorous couples. He ordered a whiskey and sipped at it, feeling ill at ease as he glanced around. Most of the men here had paired off, although there were a few who seemed to be circulating around the room, still seeking out a companion for the evening. Tanahashi supposed he could join them, but somehow a night of anonymous sex with a stranger no longer seemed appealing. Maybe he should just finish his drink and go home...

"Are you new here?" someone asked in a deep voice laced with both amusement and sympathy.

Tanahashi jumped slightly, turning to address the person who had come up next to him unnoticed. But whatever he intended to say vanished from his mind once he got a good look at the man, and his mouth dropped open in shock.

"You're Ki--" he started to blurt out, but the man reached out to press a finger against his lips.

"Now I know that you must be new here," the man said with a smile. "The number one rule of this bar is to be discreet. Most people here just use their given names or outright aliases. If you want to exchange real names in private with someone, that's between you and him, but don't go blurting out a person's name in front of everyone."

"Sorry," Tanahashi mumbled, his face growing hot from both embarrassment at his blunder, but also with excitement, because he recognized the man as Kikuchi Katsuya, the number one TV and movie star in Japan.

"No harm done," Kikuchi said pleasantly, winking as he lifted his hand from Tanahashi's mouth to signal the bartender. "Another drink for this gentleman, and I'll have the same." The bartender placed two more whiskies in front of them, and Kikuchi continued, "I'm not foolish enough to believe that people don't recognize me just because I don't use my real name, but rules are rules and the proprieties must be observed." He smiled with ironic humor and took a sip from his glass.

"Thank you for the drink," Tanahashi said. "And for the advice. You're right, this is my first time here." He smiled wryly and asked, "I guess it must be obvious, huh?"

"You looked a little lost," Kikuchi said sympathetically. "Like you weren't quite sure what you walked into, although this isn't the kind of place that one stumbles into by accident."

So Tanahashi found himself telling Kikuchi the humiliating story of how he had been dumped by his lover and gifted with the membership. "All the time that we were seeing each other, I had no idea that he was going to a place like this," Tanahashi said morosely.

"Perhaps he stopped coming here while the two of you were dating," Kikuchi suggested, although Tanahashi suspected that it was more to be kind than because he really believed it.

"Maybe, but it's more likely that he was seeing other guys behind my back," Tanahashi sighed. "I wouldn't have believed it at the time, but it seems that he was also courting the company president's daughter behind my back, so what's one more betrayal? Maybe he didn't even think of it as a betrayal, since he never saw what we had as 'serious.'" Then he laughed sheepishly and said, "Sorry for dumping all this on you. I'm sure you didn't need to hear my life story."

"It's okay," Kikuchi said. He reached out to lay his hand over Tanahashi's, and he leaned over to whisper seductively, "Shall I help to distract you from your troubles?"

Tanahashi was so stunned to be propositioned by Japan's top male movie star that he sat there gaping at Kikuchi like an idiot--with his mouth open and eyes bulging in shock, he probably looked like a goldfish. However, Kikuchi just smiled and patiently waited for Tanahashi to get his wits together, his fingers gently stroking Tanahashi's hand.

That light, teasing contact caused Tanahashi's face to warm again, though not with embarrassment this time. He gulped down the remainder of his first drink to bolster his courage, and for good measure, tossed back the second as well. "I'd like that," he finally managed to say.

"Good," Kikuchi said, grinning at him with the rakish charm that had captivated what seemed like most of the country's female population. The full force of that charm focused on him personally, without being filtered through a movie or television screen, combined with a look of blatant lust in Kikuchi's eyes, suddenly caused Tanahashi's heartbreak to seem a little more remote. His mouth felt dry, despite the whiskey he had just drunk, and he found himself rendered speechless again. Fortunately, Kikuchi didn't seem to expect a reply and simply took Tanahashi by the hand and led him out of the bar, while several of the other men cast envious looks in his direction.

They went to a nearby hotel, where Kikuchi proved that his skill in bed matched the level of his acting. It wasn't the sort of tender lovemaking that he had shared with Inamori--or thought he'd shared, anyway--but something more primal, as Tanahashi let lust fog his mind so that there was no room left to think about anything except the sensation of skin against skin, and all the pleasurable things that Kikuchi's hands and mouth and cock were doing to his body.

Afterwards, Tanahashi was lying on the bed, feeling sleepy and sated as he watched Kikuchi get dressed. He wasn't quite sure what, if anything, he ought to say now--"that was great" would be stating the obvious, and "let's do this again sometime" seemed too presumptuous. "Thanks for providing some comfort and distraction" would be the most accurate, but sounded a little pathetic.

However, he needn't have worried, because Kikuchi handled things with his typical easy charm. "I had a great time tonight," he said, bending down to brush a light kiss against Tanahashi's mouth. As he headed for the door, he paused to grin and wink at Tanahashi, saying, "Maybe I'll see you around at the club, salaryman-kun!"

"Maybe," Tanahashi laughed. Kikuchi had never asked his name, and after Kikuchi's lecture about discretion, Tanahashi hadn't volunteered it. He didn't mind Kikuchi's joking nickname, since it was true enough--he was a salaryman, although Kikuchi might have been surprised to know that he worked in the entertainment business.

Tanahashi did go back to the club a few more times, but he never saw Kikuchi there again, which was maybe just as well. Kikuchi had made it clear that he--along with most of the other club members--was only interested in casual, anonymous sex. And even if he wasn't, a serious relationship with a famous actor was fraught with the potential for scandal--something that was proven true when Kikuchi was outed by the media a year later.

Tanahashi had a couple of one night stands with men that he met at the club, but that type of casual sex didn't really appeal to him, so he simply stopped going there. As for a serious relationship, aside from needing time to get over the breakup, he was leery of running into the same problems that he'd had with Inamori. What was to say that the next man he dated wouldn't also give in to ambition and societal pressure, after all? Tanahashi had a very demanding job, so it was easy enough to throw himself wholeheartedly into his work, leaving little time for a social life.

His hard work eventually paid off, bringing him to the attention of the owner of Sigma Productions. It was a talent agency that dealt mainly with voice actors, much smaller and less prestigious than the company he currently worked with, but that gave Tanahashi more opportunity for advancement. He was offered the job of running Sigma's Tokyo branch, essentially promoting him to a top managerial position that would probably take him years to earn in his current company. Besides, he liked the idea of being able to work closely with the actors that he managed--with a big company, things tended to be more impersonal out of necessity.

***

Tanahashi hadn't been celibate over the years, but his relationships had been few and far between, and none of them had lasted very long. It was only recently that he'd begun to realize that maybe those other relationships hadn't worked out because there was someone else that he already cared about--Kokubu, of course.

He wondered now if he had made a mistake after all, by entering into a personal relationship with a client. For a very brief moment, he wondered if it would be better to end things with Kokubu and try to go back to having a solely professional relationship--and then he was seized by an overwhelming sense of fear and loneliness, and he knew that it was far too late to undo what he had started.

No, he didn't want to give up Kokubu, but what if Kokubu wanted to break up with him? And how could he make things right between them when he still wasn't sure why Kokubu had been so angry?

Tanahashi lay awake most of the night, tossing and turning as he replayed his lunch conversation with Kokubu over and over in his head, trying to figure out how things had gone so wrong between them.

Part 3

FIC: Remembrance of Times Past, Part 2 of 3

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