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FIC: Remembrance of Times Past, Part 3 of 3
Title: Remembrance of Times Past, Part 3 of 3
Rating: R overall
Fandom: Boku no Koe, Haru wo Daiteita (Embracing Love)
Pairing: Tanahashi/Kokubu, Kikuchi/Onozuka
Disclaimer: No money is being made off this story; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part.
Word count: ~9,520
Sequel to: Moving Day (See my Fanfic Masterlist for the complete series listing.)
Summary: Kikuchi and Onozuka take on guest-starring roles in a BL anime that Kokubu is working on. An unexpected past connection between Kikuchi and Tanahashi is revealed, which causes problems for both couples.
Author's Note: This was inspired by Snapelike's Yuletide gift fic to me, Sleepless Hearts. So this could be considered an unofficial sequel of sorts, which I'm gifting back to her!
Part 1, Part 2
***
After they left the studio, Onozuka and Kikuchi got into Kojima's car and headed to their next appointment while Kojima went over the day's schedule. First, there was an interview over lunch with a reporter from a popular women's magazine, then they had to rush over to another studio to film a commercial for a line of canned cocktail drinks. The company was trying to cultivate an edgier, hipper image and had apparently decided that the way to do that was to hire Japan's new celebrity gay couple. Another reporter, this time from an entertainment magazine, would be on hand to interview them between takes. And after that, there was a business meeting over dinner with an executive from a mens' clothing company to discuss a potential endorsement and advertising campaign. After that, they would finally be allowed to go home and get some rest before heading to the recording studio the next morning for a full day of work on the anime.
When Onozuka sighed heavily, Kikuchi said, "Look on the bright side--at least we're getting a couple of free meals out of the deal!"
Onozuka wasn't really annoyed by their busy schedule in and of itself. It was more hectic than usual, but on the other hand, it was a good thing for an actor to be so much in demand, and he didn't mind working hard for the sake of his career. What really bothered him was that he'd have to wait several more hours before he would be able to grill Kikuchi in private about Tanahashi. But the car was semi-private and Kojima already knew that they were lovers, so Onozuka decided to get a head start on the interrogation.
He gazed at his lover suspiciously and asked, "Do you really not remember meeting Tanahashi-san?"
"I swear, I don't recall meeting him at all!" Kikuchi insisted, and he sounded sincere. However, Kikuchi was an award-winning actor and he'd succeeded in deceiving Onozuka before. Kikuchi had promised not to lie to him anymore and Onozuka didn't want to believe that Kikuchi had gone back on his word, but he couldn't help thinking that Tanahashi's reaction didn't match up with his explanation.
"If it was just a chance meeting at a party like Tanahashi-san said, why'd he get so flustered?" Onozuka demanded.
"How am I supposed to know how a stranger thinks?" Kikuchi defended himself. He grinned and said, "Maybe he's a fan and was excited to meet his idol!"
"You're modest as always, Kikuchi-san," Onozuka replied sarcastically.
"The simplest explanation is usually the most accurate one," Kojima interjected calmly. "Tanahashi-san works in the entertainment industry, so it's logical that he and Kikuchi-san would have met at some industry event."
"Yes, and it's not like I can remember every agent or assistant that I meet at those things," Kikuchi quickly agreed. "Honestly, I've been thinking about it, and I don't remember him. No offense, Kojima-san, but your friend isn't particularly memorable."
"He's not really my friend, just a former employer, but I do respect him," Kojima replied. "As for being memorable, a good manager stays behind the scenes and doesn't detract attention away from his clients."
"Exactly," Kikuchi said, nodding. "I'm sure he's very good at his job, and he's handsome enough--"
That earned Kikuchi a glare from Onozuka, and he hastily continued, "But not as stunning as my beautiful Prince, of course! In comparison, Tanahashi seems like just another typical salaryman..."
Kikuchi's voice trailed off as he frowned slightly, and then a sudden look of recognition filled his face.
"You remembered, didn't you?!" Onozuka exclaimed. "So how did you two meet?
"Ah...well..." Kikuchi temporized, looking as though he was trying to figure out how much he could safely tell Onozuka.
"Remember, you promised that you wouldn't lie to me," Onozuka reminded him in a threatening tone.
"I wasn't going to lie," Kikuchi said defensively, though with a hint of guilt. "It's just...rather complicated to explain right now. Let's wait till we get home to discuss it."
Onozuka frowned, but Kojima interrupted again, saying sternly, "Jealousy is not becoming of the Golden Prince, Onozuka-kun. We'll be at the restaurant soon, so remember that you two have to play the happy couple for the press."
Onozuka glared at his lover one last time, then said sulkily, "Fine, I'll play the role of the adoring lover." He gave Kikuchi an angelic smile and said sweetly, "But don't think that you're off the hook, darling. We'll definitely be having a long conversation in private about this."
"Yes, your Highness," Kikuchi said with a sigh of resignation.
They finally returned home later that evening with a case of the cocktail drinks they'd been hawking for the commercial--an unofficial bonus for their hard work. Onozuka didn't think that fame automatically entitled him to freebies or VIP treatment, unlike some of his other colleagues, but he was always happy to accept them when they came his way. Kikuchi, however, was less impressed with this particular bonus.
"Just between you and me, those things are too sweet for my taste," he said.
Onozuka feigned a look of shock and exclaimed, "False advertising, Katsuya?! I'm so disappointed in you!"
"Spare me," Kikuchi said with a careless shrug. "We're actors. As far as I'm concerned, a commercial is just another job. People are naive if they think that actors really use every single product that we endorse."
Onozuka grinned and said, "Well, I actually like these drinks--I'm particularly fond of the lychee flavor. But if you don't want your share, I'll give some to Miyasaka."
"Fine with me," Kikuchi replied. "It's getting late--do you want to take a bath and look over tomorrow's script for a bit before turning in?"
"Sure," Onozuka said. Kikuchi, looking relieved, started to head for the bathroom before Onozuka added casually, "And by the way, Katsuya...don't think that I've forgotten about that little conversation we were having in the car." Kikuchi smiled at him sheepishly, and Onozuka said accusingly, "You slept with him, didn't you?"
"Well...yes," Kikuchi admitted reluctantly, then added placatingly, "but it was long before I met you--more than ten years ago. Even if I'd known you back then, you were just a kid and I would probably have been arrested if I'd tried to sleep with you." In spite of himself, Onozuka smiled slightly as he recalled that he'd been a big fan of Kikuchi's movies at the time, although he'd had no idea that his idol was gay. Reassured by Onozuka's reaction, Kikuchi relaxed and said, "Really, it was just a one night stand, nothing more. It's not like I can remember every guy that I slept with a decade ago."
"Oh, really?" Onozuka asked in an icy voice. "Were there so many that you can't keep track of them all?"
Kikuchi winced, realizing that he'd said too much, and laughed nervously. "Aw, come on, Yuu," he wheedled. "I hate to break it to you, but I wasn't a virgin before I met you. And much as I would like to be your first and only lover, I'm sure that you slept with other people before you met me."
"Yes, but I can remember all of my previous bed partners," Onozuka retorted, still glaring at him coldly.
"I'm sixteen years older than you, so it's only natural that I'd have many more partners than you," Kikuchi defended himself. When Onozuka remained thoroughly unimpressed by his logic, Kikuchi sighed, "Look, this was back when I was in the closet and it was difficult for me to have any serious relationships. There was a very discreet, members-only gay bar that I used to patronize. Their clientele was mostly wealthy businessmen, along with a few politicians and entertainers, but the one thing that we all had in common was that our careers would be ruined if we were outed. It wasn't the kind of place that you went looking to fall in love--it was strictly about casual, anonymous sex. Honestly, I don't remember most of the guys that I slept with back then."
"But you remember Tanahashi-san," Onozuka pointed out.
"Only because the night I met him was the last time I ever went to that club--that's the only reason why it stands out in my memory," Kikuchi replied. "Ironically, it was his first time there and he looked very young and a little lost. Other than that, he was your typical elite salaryman-type."
"Why didn't you go back to the club after that?" Onozuka asked.
"Um...because I met Kenji the week after that," Kikuchi confessed with an apologetic smile. "You know, on the set of the TV show where I played a medical examiner."
Onozuka scowled in response. Hearing that made him even more jealous--Tanahashi had apparently just been a one night stand, but Kenji was someone that Kikuchi had been serious about, someone that he might still be with today if Japanese movie audiences had been a little more liberal ten years ago.
"But that's all in the past," Kikuchi hastily tried to reassure Onozuka. "Kenji and I have both moved on, and I'm with you now." He wrapped his arms around Onozuka and crooned in a cajoling voice, "You know that you're my one and only."
Onozuka knew that Kikuchi would never cheat on him, and he knew that he shouldn't be making such a big deal over Kikuchi's ex-lovers from ten years ago. But contrary to all logic, Onozuka was still jealous, and knowing that his jealousy was irrational just made him all the more irritated with himself--and with Kikuchi, because really, this was all his fault, wasn't it? Onozuka had never been such a jealous, Katou-like idiot before he had met Kikuchi.
"So you say," Onozuka replied coolly. "And yet somehow I keep running into guys that you've slept with."
"This was only the second time," Kikuchi protested.
"That's twice too many," Onozuka muttered in a sulky voice and a wide grin spread across Kikuchi's face.
"You're going to get mad at me, but I kind of like it when you're jealous," Kikuchi said.
"Because you enjoy watching me make a fool of myself?!" Onozuka snapped.
"No, because I find it reassuring," Kikuchi replied.
"Reassuring?" Onozuka asked suspiciously.
"It reassures me that you want me just as much as I want you," Kikuchi clarified with a tender smile, and Onozuka found himself smiling in return, his irritation and jealousy abruptly fading.
"Idiot," he said affectionately. "I thought that was obvious."
"It is, mostly," Kikuchi said with a grin. "But I still like to be reassured from time to time."
"Wait...why do I have reassure you when I'm the one who's jealous?" Onozuka complained, but he leaned forward to kiss his lover. Strangely, he felt reassured by Kikuchi's need for reassurance, so Onozuka took Kikuchi by the hand and led him to the bedroom to show him just how much he was wanted.
***
Kokubu managed not to let his fight with Tanahashi affect his acting, but it took a great deal of effort, and he was relieved when they finished recording for the day. He left the studio and wandered around aimlessly, not quite sure what to do next, since he didn't know if his dinner date with Tanahashi was still on.
His phone rang, and he was relieved to see that it was an e-mail from Tanahashi. Kokubu smiled, assuming that it was an apology. In a better mood now, he decided that he'd call Tanahashi back and apologize, too. He'd been hurt by the way Tanahashi had brushed him off at lunch today, but maybe he'd been a little too harsh in return. Tanahashi was probably just being overprotective, and sometimes he forgot that Kokubu wasn't a kid anymore. They could talk about it over dinner, and Kokubu would remind Tanahashi--gently, this time--that he was an adult and could take care of himself.
But when he saw Tanahashi's message, he found himself getting angry all over again. That last sentence--"as long as we can discuss things calmly, like rational adults"--sounded snide and condescending, like an adult talking down to an unruly child. As if Kokubu was the only one who'd been in the wrong, when Tanahashi had been acting all guilty and evasive about Kikuchi. Then he'd brushed off all Kokubu's questions, acting like Kokubu was making a big deal out of nothing, but if it wasn't important, then why was Tanahashi acting like he had something to hide? If he had dated Kikuchi in the past, he ought to just say so; it's not like Kokubu was going to get mad about it.
Well, okay...he would be a little upset, but rationally he knew that Tanahashi must have been with other people before him. He would still rather hear the truth than have Tanahashi lie to him, even if it was to spare his feelings. Or maybe Tanahashi-san isn't concerned about my feelings, Kokubu thought bitterly. Maybe he thinks that I'll throw some childish jealous tantrum, and he just doesn't want to deal with the hassle.
He turned his phone off and hailed a taxi to take him home. Maybe he was being petty, but he didn't intend to call Tanahashi unless Tanahashi apologized first. He most certainly wasn't going to go over to Tanahashi's place for dinner and be lectured about how childish and irrational he was being!
So Kokubu went home and--perhaps ironically--ordered a pizza for dinner. Jouchi wasn't the delivery boy this time, of course. The newcomer was busy enough with acting jobs now that he didn't have to deliver pizza to pay the bills.
As he ate, he kept glancing over at his phone, waiting for Tanahashi to call again, but it remained silent all night.
***
Kikuchi woke up early the next morning while his prince was still sleeping, looking deceptively sweet and innocent. They'd made passionate love last night, and Onozuka seemed to have gotten over his fit of jealousy, but Kikuchi wanted to do something extra to make sure he was really forgiven for his transgressions.
Well...not that he'd done anything wrong, except to have had a lot of casual sex in his younger days. That shouldn't count, since it had been long before he'd met Onozuka, but he suspected that Onozuka didn't see it that way. Kikuchi didn't hold it against Onozuka, because he knew he'd be just as irrationally jealous if he ever met one of Onozuka's previous lovers (and was very happy that there didn't seem to be many of those in Onozuka's past). Hell, he was even jealous of Onozuka's platonic friendships with Katou and Miyasaka!
So Kikuchi didn't mind making an extravagant gesture to get back into his prince's good graces. There was a saying about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach, which usually worked pretty well for Kikuchi--although being good in bed didn't hurt, either. He grinned and leaned over to brush a kiss against Onozuka's cheek, then got dressed and headed to the kitchen to put his plan in motion...
***
Kokubu went to work in the morning, still feeling disgruntled that Tanahashi had never called him back, though of course he did his best not to let it show. If he couldn't pull that off, he wouldn't be much of an actor, Kokubu thought to himself wryly.
Onozuka and Kikuchi showed up without Kojima this time--or "minus our chaperone," as Kikuchi put it. It seemed that since they had no other commitments today, they didn't need a manager to keep track of their schedule or chauffeur them around.
Work went smoothly, with both Kikuchi and Onozuka delivering their lines capably--more than capably, actually. They didn't hold back in their performances just because this was an anime, and their efforts (combined with the excitement of having the princely couple in the studio) inspired the other actors to new heights. The result was that the director was very pleased, and the mood was upbeat when they took a break for lunch.
The studio was paying for lunch today, but when an assistant came around to take their orders, Kikuchi grinned and said, "Thanks, but Onozuka-kun and I don't need anything. I packed a home lunch for us today." He produced a beautiful three-tiered lacquered bento box that was impressive in and of itself, but when he unstacked and opened the boxes, the other cast members oohed and ahed over the mouth-watering array of food inside: onigiri, rolled omelette, shrimp tempura, grilled salmon, golden-brown croquettes on a bed of shredded cabbage, and as if to add a bright splash of color, there were some bell peppers cut up into small red and green and yellow chunks.
"Wow, did you make all this, Kikuchi-san?!" Kokubu exclaimed.
"Yes, cooking is a little hobby of mine," Kikuchi said modestly. "Besides, I enjoy cooking for Onozuka-kun."
"Kikuchi-san really spoils me with all these home-cooked meals," Onozuka laughed, gazing adoringly at his lover.
"It's my way of expressing my love for my Prince," Kikuchi replied gallantly, then lifted Onozuka's hand to his lips and kissed it.
"When we were newlyweds, my wife would pack a home-cooked bento for me every day," Sugihara chuckled. "But now that we're an old married couple, she doesn't bother anymore!"
Kokubu thought, a bit sullenly, that Tanahashi had never made a bento lunch for him, probably because he was afraid that it would expose their affair if someone guessed who made it. Then he saw Yaogi glancing at him, and Kokubu quickly manufactured a cheerful grin.
"So what about you, Yaogi-kun?" he asked. "Does your girlfriend make bento meals for you?"
"Hardly," Yaogi snorted in reply. "Miyuki's not that kind of girl. If I asked her to do something like that, she would say that she's just as busy with work as I am, and I should go out and buy something for lunch." Onozuka looked curious, and Yaogi explained, "My girlfriend is a voice actor, too--that's how we met, in fact."
"Well, as a career woman, I'm sure that she doesn't have much time for that sort of thing," Onozuka said diplomatically. "But if you make the time to do special things for her, I'm sure that she'll respond in kind."
"Spoken like a true prince!" sighed Rina, the actress who was playing one of the few female roles in the anime, a detective who worked in the same department as Kokubu's and Yaogi's characters. Yaogi looked a little skeptical, although Kokubu wasn't sure whether he was doubting Onozuka's princeliness or the likelihood of Miyuki "responding in kind," or maybe both.
"I'm envious," Arai sighed, staring wistfully at the food. "I wish I had a girlfriend to make me bento lunches." After a moment's pause, the implications of his comment belatedly sank in and he hastily added, "Er...not that I'm calling you a girl, Kikuchi-san! I mean--"
"It's okay," Kikuchi laughed, waving off the apology, much to Arai's relief. "I know what you meant."
Onozuka smiled graciously and changed the subject by saying, "There's plenty of food here, more than Kikuchi-san and I can eat by ourselves. Would the rest of you like to share some with us?"
"Are you sure?" Rina asked eagerly. "I'd love to, but it's a meal that Kikuchi-san made with love for you."
"Don't worry, I made extra to share with everyone," Kikuchi said with a grin.
There wasn't enough food to provide a full meal for the entire cast, but there was certainly enough to serve as a treat and supplement to their store-bought meals, purchased from a bento shop across the street. Not that the food there was bad--in fact, it was pretty good, but everyone exclaimed over how wonderful Kikuchi's bento was in comparison. It could have just been flattery or excitement over eating a meal made by a movie star, but Kokubu agreed that Kikuchi's lunch had a little extra "something" to it. Maybe it was the special attention to the little details, like the marinade of basil, olive oil, and rice vinegar that the bell peppers had been soaked in, or the way that the croquettes (chicken and potato, Kokubu discovered when he bit into one), were deliciously crispy and not too heavy or greasy. Or maybe, as Rina so dramatically declared, it was because the food had been made with love.
But as good as the food was, Kokubu couldn't help comparing it to Tanahashi's cooking as he ate. The onigiri fit neatly into the palm of his hand--Kikuchi had probably made them small so that there would be enough to go around--and were formed into perfectly shaped triangular wedges, so neat and uniform that they looked professionally made. Tanahashi's were a little less neat, and larger and rounder to make a heartier snack. Rather than elaborate dishes, he tended to favor meals that were simple, but tasty and filling--comfort food, like the oyakodon he had cooked for Kokubu on the night they had finally admitted their feelings for each other. And when Kokubu ate a piece of the rolled omelette, he noticed that it had a typically sweet flavor, while Tanahashi always made his without any sugar. In fact, he favored Western-style omelettes over the traditional Japanese omelette, which was a little ironic, since Kikuchi was the one who had spent ten years in America.
Meanwhile, Kikuchi and Onozuka were feeding little tidbits of food to each other like a besotted newlywed couple, a display of affection so sappy and cute that it caused Rina to giggle and Yaogi to roll his eyes.
Normally the excessive cuteness would have amused Kokubu, but today it felt like having salt rubbed in an open wound, reminding him of his problems with Tanahashi. And Kokubu suddenly realized that he wasn't really angry that Tanahashi might have slept with Kikuchi in the past, or even because Tanahashi didn't want to tell him about it.
No, what really bothered him was that he wished that they could be more like Kikuchi and Onozuka. He didn't need to have a press conference announcing their romance, or to have Tanahashi feeding in him public while staring at him adoringly, but...he wished that they could be a little more open about their relationship. He didn't want to feel like he was sneaking around with a married man, with the way Tanahashi didn't want the neighbors to see him coming or going from the apartment.
And sometimes he hated the way that Tanahashi was always so brisk and professional with him in public, treating Kokubu as if they were nothing more than manager and client. It felt so impersonal, almost cold. He wanted to feel like he was someone special to Tanahashi--and okay, deep down he knew that he was, but sometimes it felt like Tanahashi regarded him as a pest or worse, an embarrassment when he showed even a hint of affection in public.
So he envied Onozuka and Kikuchi for being able to act like a normal couple in public. Well, perhaps "normal" wasn't quite the right word to describe the Prince and his infamous lover, but the point was that they were able to hold hands, kiss, and otherwise openly express their affection for each other. It was true that they'd paid a heavy price for that privilege: they had been forcibly outed by the media and continued to be hounded by the paparazzi. However, they had made a virtue out of necessity, turning the publicity to their advantage, and they seemed sincere when they said that they were relieved not to have to hide their relationship from the public anymore.
Kokubu knew that it was possible that being outed could hurt his career, although he doubted that the consequences would be as dire as Tanahashi seemed to think. For one thing, his profile in the media was much lower than Kikuchi and Onozuka, so he wasn't likely to make the tabloid headlines for sleeping with his manager. He was popular for a voice actor, but only to a group of select anime fans and not to the public at large, who probably hadn't seen most of his shows and even if they had, would only associate his voice with his characters and not with the actor Kokubu Touma. Being outed would cause some gossip in the industry, and it might result in him losing a few roles, but Kokubu figured that eventually the fuss would die down. And if it didn't...well, that was a risk that Kokubu was willing to take.
He'd gone along with Tanahashi's desire for secrecy because he'd been so happy to finally be with Tanahashi that everything else had seemed trivial in comparison, and besides, Tanahashi was just looking out for his best interests. But now Kokubu was beginning to realize that it wasn't so trivial to him after all, and that maybe their idea of his "best interests" differed slightly.
Kokubu sighed as it occurred to him that he'd never actually sat down and discussed all this with Tanahashi. Yes, Tanahashi had been a bit overbearing at lunch, but stalking off in the middle of an argument would just reinforce Tanahashi's belief that Kokubu was being immature. Maybe he should have explained that he wasn't being careless, that he understood the risks to his career and was willing to accept them. Except that he hadn't really stopped to think through and sort out his feelings until now...
"Is something wrong, Kokubu-san?" Onozuka asked with a friendly but concerned smile. "You were sighing so pensively just now."
"Girlfriend troubles?" Kikuchi suggested, then grinned slyly and added, "Or maybe boyfriend troubles?"
"Oh no, nothing like that!" Kokubu laughed, trying not to blush guiltily. "Work troubles," he said, offering up the first excuse that came to mind. It wasn't exactly a lie, since he and Tanahashi had been arguing about the need to protect Kokubu's career.
"You're not still upset that Jo-Jo took your role, are you?" Yaogi asked, and this time Kokubu did flush, reminded of how devastated he'd been after he'd been abruptly bumped from his pre-assigned role by the pizza boy.
"Jo-Jo?" Onozuka asked curiously.
"Jouchi-kun, one of the junior actors at my agency," Kokubu explained, shooting a quick glare at Yaogi. "It's a long story, but basically the director decided to cast him as the lead in a certain show, even though someone else had already been pre-cast in that role. That actor was shuffled to another role, which happened to be mine, and well...yours truly was bumped from the cast." He laughed and shrugged, saying, "But what can you do? Jouchi-kun is a nice guy and I can't really get mad at him for giving a great audition."
"It happens to all of us," Onozuka said sympathetically. "My friend Miyasaka and I try out for a lot of the same roles, so it's inevitable that I'll lose a role to him from time to time, or vice versa. It stings, but you can't hold a grudge about it; all you can do is resolve to try harder next time."
"Exactly," Kokubu agreed. "I was a little upset at the time, but I'm fine with it now."
"So what's bugging you, then, Kokubu-kun?" Yaogi asked.
"It's not that big a deal," Kokubu replied, wishing Yaogi would just let the subject drop. Knowing that an elaborate lie was less likely to be believed, he settled on something that was close to the truth. "Tanahashi-san and I had a little disagreement yesterday over the direction my career is taking--I've done several BL roles in a row, and he was worried about me getting typecast. Me, I'm just happy to work, and as long as the role is interesting, I don't care if it's gay or straight. I told Tanahashi-san that he was worrying too much, and he felt like I wasn't being concerned enough about my career. I know he's looking out for me, so I feel bad about arguing with him."
"There's always a danger of being typecast," Kikuchi said. "I don't know much about voice acting, but I guess it's the same for you as it is for us. I started off doing action roles when I was young, and it took awhile to convince directors and producers that I could really act."
"And yet, here you are, an Academy Award winning actor," Onozuka said with a loving smile.
"I understand his concern, but I don't think that Tanahashi-san really has to worry," Yaogi chuckled. "No offense, but you have a long way to go before you become the King of BL roles like Kurokawa-san! Besides, he doesn't have any problems moving back and forth between regular roles and BL roles."
"But there's no way that I can compare myself to Kurokawa-san," Kokubu pointed out. "At least not yet, although of course we all aspire to reach his level."
"Who's Kurokawa-san?" Onozuka asked.
"My sempai at Sigma," Kokubu replied. "He's a famous voice actor who's done a lot of incredible roles. But he's also very kind and down to earth, and is always willing to take the time to give some advice to us younger actors."
"Kurokawa-san is Kokubu-kun's idol, in case you couldn't tell," Yaogi said with a grin.
Before Kokubu had a chance to get flustered, Onozuka blushed and smiled sheepishly, saying, "Oh, I can understand that. It's a bit embarrassing to admit this now, but I idolized Kikuchi-san when I was younger."
"And why is that embarrassing?" Kikuchi joked. "I think it's perfectly natural!"
"Kikuchi-san has many admirable qualities, but an excess of modesty isn't one of them," Onozuka said with wry affection, and Kikuchi just laughed. "But seriously, did Kurokawa-san inspire you to become a voice actor, Kokubu-san? Because Kikuchi-san's movies were part of the reason why I took up acting."
"Watch out, you're going to inflate my ego even further," Kikuchi cautioned him with a wink.
Kokubu laughed along with the others, then answered Onozuka's question seriously. "I became a voice actor because I loved anime. Kurokawa-san played most of my favorite characters and I really admired his acting, which is how I ended up at Sigma--I wanted to work at the same agency as my hero! So yeah, it's a little embarrassing, but I guess you could say that I got into this profession because of Kurokawa-san."
Onozuka deftly steered the conversation around to the other voice actors, asking them about their own acting experiences, and he made a point of speaking personally with each one of them. Naturally they were flattered by the Prince's attention, and conveniently forgot about whatever had been troubling Kokubu, much to his relief. But later, Onozuka gave him a mischievous little wink when no one was looking, and Kokubu felt a little uneasy, wondering just how much the Prince had noticed. That sweet and innocent face disguised a keen eye--he recalled the way that Onozuka had immediately picked up on the connection between Tanahashi and Kikuchi.
The rest of the recording session continued without incident, and Kikuchi and Onozuka were able to complete their scenes by the end of the day. The director thanked them for their hard work, and an ecstatic Rina was chosen to present them with farewell bouquets of flowers. Kikuchi and Onozuka graciously thanked them in return and took the time to pose for photos and sign autographs for any of the cast and crew who wanted them--and a few extras for the cast and crew's family and friends.
"It's no trouble at all," Onozuka assured Rina when she thanked them. "I had a lot fun working with all of you--we should do it again some time!"
"But give us some love scenes next time!" Kikuchi laughed, wrapping his arms around a blushing Onozuka.
As Kokubu left the studio, he took out his phone and called Tanahashi, who answered after one ring, sounding more anxious than angry this time. That made it easier for Kokubu to say, "I'm sorry that I didn't call you back last night, Tanahashi-san, but I was too upset to talk to you without getting into another fight. I think I needed some time to think things over...about us, and what we want from this relationship."
"To be honest, I'm not really sure why we were fighting, but I want to make things right between us, Kokubu-kun," Tanahashi said. "Can we get together and talk about it over dinner?"
"Yes," Kokubu replied. "Are you still at the office?"
"Actually, I'm right out here."
Kokubu had left the building and reached the sidewalk by now, and was startled to see Tanahashi standing on the corner and waving at him. "Tanahashi-san!" Kokubu exclaimed, startled but touched that Tanahashi had come down here to meet him, especially after their fight yesterday. He hurried over and said almost shyly, "I'm glad that you're here."
"Me too," Tanahashi said quietly, and although they still had a lot of things to work out, somehow Kokubu felt like everything would turn out all right in the end.
They drove to Tanahashi's apartment in near silence, but it wasn't really uncomfortable--more like they had reached an unspoken agreement to save the serious discussion until they got home. Once they were at the apartment, Tanahashi set up the hotpot on the dining table and began taking the sukiyaki ingredients out of the fridge.
In his anger, Kokubu had forgotten about his playful demand for sukiyaki, and he said a bit guiltily, "So you did remember about the sukiyaki."
"Of course," Tanahashi said quietly. "I promised you sukiyaki for dinner, and I wouldn't break a promise even if we argued earlier. I...I was hurt when you didn't show up last night."
He didn't sound accusing, just hurt and confused, which made Kokubu feel guiltier. He took a deep breath and tried not to sound too defensive as he tried to explain things from his point of view. "I wanted to make up after our fight, so I was happy when you called. But then your message lectured me about 'behaving like rational adults,' and it made me feel like you were talking down to me, treating me like a kid. I got angry and decided not to call you back until you apologized, and maybe that was childish, not to at least tell you that I wasn't coming over for dinner. But it felt like even if I did come over, you were just going to dismiss what I had to say and blame me for being childish instead of seriously talking things over."
Tanahashi was silent, a thoughtful look on his face, then spoke slowly as if choosing his words with care. "It's true that I was annoyed because I thought that we were fighting over something trivial. But it seems like it was something important to you, Kokubu-kun, so...I'm listening now, and I promise that I'll take you seriously." He hesitated, then added, "And I'll tell you anything about Kikuchi and myself that you want to know, though there really isn't much to tell."
"No, it's okay," Kokubu replied. "It's pretty obvious that you had a thing with him, right? I admit that I was curious and maybe a bit jealous, but I assume from your reaction and his that it was over a long time ago, so it's not a big deal. I know that you wouldn't cheat on me, and anyway, the Prince seems to have Kikuchi wrapped around his little finger."
Tanahashi stared at him in bewilderment and asked, "Then what on earth are we fighting about?"
If he'd sounded exasperated or irritated, Kokubu probably would have gone on the defensive again, but Tanahashi's voice sounded so plaintive that Kokubu smiled and apologized, "Sorry, it took me some time to figure it out myself. I was a little upset at first that it seemed like you were trying to cover up whatever went on between you and Kikuchi." Tanahashi opened his mouth to protest or explain, and Kokubu quickly continued, "But yeah, I know that you just didn't want to talk about it in public, and you would've explained things later. What really bothered me was the way that you acted almost ashamed to be seen with me in public, like you were a married guy worried that someone might see you having lunch with your mistress."
"But that's not true at all!" Tanahashi protested. "I'm just trying to protect your career--"
"I know," Kokubu interrupted, keeping his voice gentle to soften the sting of his words. "But when did I ever ask you to protect me? I was a little too harsh on you at lunch yesterday, but it's true that you were the one who made the decision to keep our relationship secret."
"Well...yes, I guess that's right," Tanahashi admitted. "But I thought that we both agreed on the matter. At least...you never raised any objections until now."
"It seemed important to you, so I went along with it," Kokubu replied. "If I had refused, there probably wouldn't have been a relationship at all, right?"
"I...I don't know," Tanahashi stammered, looking very distressed. "Kokubu-kun, I never meant to make it sound like an ultimatum! I just wanted what was best for you."
"I know," Kokubu said softly, reaching out to lay his hand over Tanahashi's. "I know that you're used to looking out for my best interests, and it didn't bother me at first. I was just happy to be with you, and I thought it was kind of cute that you were so protective of me." Tanahashi looked nonplussed at being described as "cute," and Kokubu found himself laughing in spite of the seriousness of the situation.
"But I think over time it started to bother me," Kokubu continued. "Not really on a conscious level, but it gradually built up and festered until it all came bursting out the other day. Watching Kikuchi and Onozuka was the trigger--I was jealous of the way that they're able to openly show their feelings for each other and do things like hold hands and kiss in public. Not that I'd want us to be so over the top about it, but..." His voice trailed off as he sighed wistfully. "It would be nice not to have to sneak around. When you do stuff like make me go down to the office separately after we've spent the night together, or when you check to make sure the neighbors aren't watching when we leave, it makes me feel like we're doing something dirty and shameful. I said it jokingly before, but sometimes I really do feel like your secret mistress, and it's not a good feeling."
This time it was Tanahashi's turn to take hold of Kokubu's hand as he said, "Kokubu-kun, I'm so sorry. I truly never meant to make you feel that way. How could I ever be ashamed of being with such a talented, handsome, and vibrant young man?"
Kokubu flushed slightly at the compliment and joked, "Don't stop now; keep pouring on the compliments!"
Tanahashi smiled at him at for a moment, then continued in grave voice, "I could never be ashamed of you, Kokubu-kun, but I could never forgive myself if I ended up hurting your career."
"That assumes that you're the only one responsible for this relationship and my career," Kokubu pointed out. "Aren't we in this together?"
"Well, yes, of course, but..." Tanahashi started to say, then fell silent, seeming at a loss for words.
"When I was an idiot, hotheaded rookie you had to look out for me that way," Kokubu said gently. "But sometimes I think you forget that I'm not a kid anymore."
"Maybe," Tanahashi admitted. "But you've developed into a mature and responsible actor," he said, then smiled wryly before adding, "Most of the time, anyway."
"Then trust me," Kokubu said. "Trust me to understand and accept the risks to my career."
"I'm not trying to talk down to you, Kokubu-kun," Tanahashi replied. "But do you really understand the damage that could be done to your career if you're outed? That you could be typecast and lose roles because a producer is worried that the audience won't find a gay actor believable in a straight role, or that people might think you slept with me to advance your career?"
"I have thought about it," Kokubu replied. "I'm not just rushing into things thoughtlessly like the idiot I used to be, you know." Tanahashi gave him an apologetic smile, and Kokubu continued, "I know there's some risk, but I don't believe it's as much as you think. If I were still a rookie, sure, but I've been acting for several years and directors in the industry are familiar with me. They know that I can act and that I'm not just some pretty boy that you're promoting because I'm screwing you. And the public isn't as homophobic as it used to be--look at how popular Onozuka and Kikuchi are, and Iwaki and Katou. Hell, it'll probably make me even more popular with the BL fangirls!"
"Maybe," Tanahashi said doubtfully. "But they aren't the only audience that we're aiming at, and it'll be tough for you to make a living doing only BL roles."
"I'm not foolish enough to think that there's no risk," Kokubu assured him. "But the level of risk is acceptable to me, and I'm confident that my past track record will keep me from being typecast too much." He took a deep breath and said quietly, "I love you, Tanahashi-san, and I'm glad that you care about me enough to want to protect me, but I don't think that I can go on hiding and sneaking around. I believe you when you say that you're protecting me, but are you sure that you aren't a little ashamed of what we're doing? You're worried that people will think that I'm using my body to get ahead, but aren't you also worried about your own reputation? When we first started dating, you talked a lot about not wanting to take advantage of me and how you would never prey on your actors."
Kokubu felt his heart hammering rapidly in his chest as he waited for his lover's reply. He had taken that final step and confronted Tanahashi; what would he do if Tanahashi called his bluff and said that he would rather break up than risk going public?
"Maybe you're right," Tanahashi finally said. "I'm not ashamed of you, Kokubu-kun, but maybe I'm a little ashamed of myself." He sighed and said, "I think I have to explain how I met Kikuchi-san, after all." The story had relatively little to do with Kikuchi, though, and much more to do with Tanahashi's closeted ex-lover who had ended up dumping him to make an advantageous marriage.
"I'm sorry, Tanahashi-san," Kokubu said sincerely. "That guy sounds like a jerk, and you deserved better."
"I did eventually find someone better, though I'm not sure I deserve him," Tanahashi said, smiling at Kokubu warmly. "I don't want to sound self-pitying because I'm certainly not the first person to have his heart broken by a callous lover. But I think that incident ingrained into me the belief that it was necessary to remain closeted at work. I dated other men after that, and most of them were closeted from their coworkers, and often from their families and friends as well. As for me, I've never lied about being gay, but I certainly don't volunteer the information, and I've been very careful not to reveal anything about my personal life at work."
"I know," Kokubu replied. "Some of people at the office have wondered if you have a wife. Most of them assume you must be married, since elite salarymen usually have wives and children."
"I remember the first time I brought you home for dinner, you asked me if my wife would mind," Tanahashi recalled. "Did you really think that I was married?"
Kokubu smiled mischievously and confessed, "Not exactly--it was more like I was fishing for information. I was hoping you would say that you didn't have a wife!"
"So I was set up?" Tanahashi asked, but he looked amused rather than offended. Then he sighed, his expression sobering. "I told myself that I was just guarding my privacy, and that a good manager remains in the background and doesn't let gossip about his personal life overshadow his work. But maybe I was fooling myself, and I was really just hiding, the way that Inamori hid his true self--from his coworkers, his fiancée, and ironically, even from me."
"It's totally different," Kokubu reassured his lover. "You didn't lie to me and you aren't cheating on me." He added with a grin, "Unless you're hiding a fiancée somewhere!"
"No, I'm not," Tanahashi replied with a faint smile, but his eyes still looked troubled. "But I did hurt you even though I didn't mean to. So...I want to make things right with you, but I'm not sure where to go from here. I know that you don't want us to hide anymore, but what does 'not hiding' mean to you? Does it mean that we announce our relationship, or just that we'll acknowledge it if someone asks about it? Kikuchi and Onozuka gave a press conference, but that seems a little extreme..."
Kokubu was startled into silence, touched that the intensely private Tanahashi was willing to go public for his sake. So he took some time to collect his thoughts before he finally answered, "No, we don't have to give a press conference." He smiled briefly at the look of relief on Tanahashi's face and continued, "I don't mind being discreet, and I don't want everyone at the office gossiping about us, but I want to stop having to be on guard all the time. If the neighbors see me coming or going from your apartment, what's the big deal? And I'd like to be able to tell my friends who I'm dating. Not every casual acquaintance, of course, but close friends that I trust--like Kurokawa-san and Hosaka-san, and a couple of good friends who aren't in the business."
Tanahashi nodded slowly and said, "I can live with that. Kurokawa-san and Hosaka-kun know how to be discreet and aren't the type to spread gossip around."
Kokubu grinned and said, "Besides, they aren't likely to start spreading gossip when they're a couple themselves."
"What?!" Tanahashi exclaimed in shock. "Are you sure? mean, I know that Hosaka-kun likes Kurokawa-san, but...have they said anything to you about it?"
"Not in so many words, but it's obvious if you know what to look for," Kokubu replied casually, secretly feeling a little smug that he'd noticed something that Tanahashi had overlooked. "They're best friends and hang out together a lot, but there was always a slight tension between them, like Kurokawa-san was keeping Hosaka-san at arm's length. But lately it's been different--that tension is gone and they seem more comfortable, more relaxed with each other. So I figured that must mean that Kurokawa-san finally gave in to Hosaka-san's advances."
Kokubu often complained about Hosaka trying to keep Kurokawa all for himself, but it was mostly in fun and he didn't really mind that the two had (probably) become a couple. He did idolize Kurokawa, and perhaps he was a little jealous of Hosaka's closeness to his idol, but for all his joking flirtation and jealous complaints, he had never really desired Kurokawa in a romantic or sexual way. At first he'd been too awestruck to even consider the possibility, and by the time he'd gotten to know Kurokawa better, they had already settled comfortably into an older brother/younger brother type of friendship. Besides, now that he had Tanahashi, it was easier to be gracious about Hosaka finally winning over Kurokawa.
"I hadn't noticed," Tanahashi said thoughtfully. "Then again, I don't spend a lot of time with Hosaka-kun, since he works for another agency. But come to think of it, Kurokawa-san got very flustered when I brought up Hosaka-kun the other day." He smiled at Kokubu and said, "All right then, full disclosure to Kurokawa-san and Hosaka-kun and the other friends that you trust. But not Jouchi-kun, I think. Not that I distrust him, but..."
"He's a nice kid, but he has a tendency to speak without thinking," Kokubu finished for him, recalling the time that Jouchi had impulsively asked him how to become successful. "I'm sure he wouldn't gossip about us maliciously, but he might blurt out something by accident to the wrong person."
"Exactly," Tanahashi agreed.
"But what about you, Tanahashi-san?" Kokubu asked a bit anxiously. "Are you only doing this for my sake? Isn't there anyone that you would like to share the news with, too?" It was true that he didn't want to hide, but if Tanahashi was only grudgingly going public to please Kokubu, that wasn't much different from him keeping their relationship secret for Tanahashi's sake. If Tanahashi came to resent Kokubu for forcing him to come out, they would eventually be faced with the same problems all over again.
Tanahashi seemed to sense his misgivings and smiled at Kokubu reassuringly. "It's fine, Kokubu-kun. I don't mind doing this, especially if it makes you happy. It's just that I don't have many people to tell. Most of my friends are business acquaintances--not so close that we share that kind of personal information with each other." His expression turned a little sad and he said, "I guess I've kind of kept people at arm's length ever since I broke up with Inamori. I wasn't doing it consciously, and I didn't really feel anything lacking in my life, but now that I'm with you, I realize that I've been kind of lonely up until now."
"Tanahashi-san," Kokubu said softly. It was true that Tanahashi didn't socialize with his staff or actors much outside of work, but it had never felt like he was snubbing them or being standoffish. It was more like he was very focused on his work and seemed complete in himself without needing anyone else. If he'd known that Tanahashi was lonely, he would've worked up the courage to make his move much sooner.
"Don't worry, you don't have to feel sorry for me," Tanahashi said with what appeared to be a genuine smile. "I'm fine now that we've worked things out." He paused, then added uncertainly, "We have, haven't we? Worked things out, that is."
Kokubu wrapped his arms around a very startled Tanahashi and purred, "I would never let you go so easily, Tanahashi-san. Not after it took me so many years to convince you to take a chance on us!"
Tanahashi recovered quickly, laughing as he returned the embrace and said, "Then I'm lucky that you were stubborn enough not to give up on an in-denial idiot like me! Because I would be a fool to ever let you go, Kokubu-kun." And then he pulled Kokubu close and gave him a deep and passionate kiss--Kokubu loved how much heat there was concealed beneath his manager's cool, controlled surface, and that he was the only one who got to see that side of Tanahashi.
As Kokubu returned the kiss, he reached up to undo Tanahashi's tie and unbutton his shirt, and Tanahashi gave him another startled look. His eyes glanced over at the food and the empty pot laid out on the table, and he asked, "Um...what about dinner?"
"Maybe just this once, we could have dessert first?" Kokubu suggested with a seductive smile.
"Sounds good to me," Tanahashi agreed in a hoarse voice as they headed for the bedroom.
Normally Tanahashi was meticulously neat, to the point of carefully folding and setting aside his clothes when they undressed for bed (and/or sex), something that Kokubu found endearingly amusing. However, today Tanahashi let his expensive suit fall into a crumpled heap on the floor, and made love to Kokubu with a desperate urgency--his mouth covering Kokubu's with hungry, almost greedy kisses, and his hands moving across Kokubu's body frantically, as if he wanted to touch every inch of Kokubu's skin. It was impossible for Kokubu not to respond in kind, and he returned the kisses and caresses with equal urgency.
"Hurry," he moaned as he pulled Tanahashi on top of him, then wrapped his legs around Tanahashi to draw his lover inside him. Usually their lovemaking was slower and more tender, but tonight it was quick and frenzied, their need for each other too great to allow much time for foreplay. It was over in a couple of minutes, but Kokubu felt utterly satisfied, the tension draining out of his body as he relaxed in Tanahashi's embrace. He had quarreled with Tanahashi many times before as a hotheaded rookie, but only over trivial things and never to the point where they had stopped speaking to each other. It had felt horribly wrong to be at such odds with Tanahashi, as if the world had fallen out of sync, and he was grateful and relieved to have things restored to their proper order.
"I love you," he murmured, and saw the same relief in Tanahashi's eyes.
"I love you, too," Tanahashi whispered, his hand gently stroking Kokubu's face.
They were content to lie together in each other's arms for awhile, until Tanahashi finally suggested, "Shall we go and start dinner? The food is still sitting out on the table, and the meat will spoil if we don't cook it or put it back in the fridge."
Kokubu's stomach chose that exact moment to growl, and they both burst into laughter.
"Yes, it seems like I've worked up an appetite!" Kokubu said with a grin. He got up and began to get dressed, but Tanahashi just sat there on the bed staring at him, his brow creased in thought. "Admiring the view?" Kokubu joked, although Tanahashi looked more pensive than lecherous.
Tanahashi laughed and said, "The view is beautiful, but actually I was thinking..."
His voice trailed off hesitantly, and Kokubu said anxiously, "Is something wrong?" He had thought they'd worked everything out, but maybe he had relaxed too soon.
"No, not at all," Tanahashi assured him. "It's just...I was thinking, you've been spending more time here than at your own place lately. And if we aren't going to hide anymore, well...would you consider moving in with me?" He hastily added, "Not right away, of course. I mean, I know this is sudden, and I don't want to pressure you, but...would you at least take some time and think it over?"
Kokubu felt a wide grin spreading across his face--it was so cute to watch the normally composed and self-assured Tanahashi get flustered, stammering and rambling on like...well, like a young rookie! But maybe Tanahashi was still a bit of a rookie when it came to love.
"Hey, I'm the impulsive one, remember?" Kokubu laughed. "I don't need any time to think about it--I'd love to move in with you!"
"Are you sure?" Tanahashi asked. "I wouldn't want you to have any regrets later."
"I've wanted this for years," Kokubu said in a more serious voice. "I have no second thoughts, no regrets. But this is surprisingly impulsive on your part, Tanahashi-san. Are you sure that you won't have any regrets?"
"No regrets at all," Tanahashi said firmly as he rose from the bed and pulled Kokubu into his arms. "I almost lost you by being too cautious, and I'm not going to make that mistake again." He kissed Kokubu and said, "You aren't the only one who's been wanting this for a long time--it's just that I was too afraid to admit it."
Kokubu kissed him back and said with a grin, "Well, now we both have everything that we want...except maybe dinner!"
"I can take a hint," Tanahashi chuckled. "Let's go have some sukiyaki."
"Then now everything is perfect," Kokubu declared, and it was, at least for the moment. He knew that perfection couldn't last forever and that other problems and arguments would arise in the future, but he was confident that he and Tanahashi would be able to deal with them. So for now, he decided to enjoy this perfect moment and worry about the future later.
-End-
Next story in the series: A Night at the Nebula (Part 1, Part 2)
***
Afterword: I got ideas for the dishes in Kikuchi's bento lunch from the book "Bento Love" by Kentaro Kobayashi, which has lots of yummy recipes! I have a particular fondness myself for Japanese-style omelettes, which as Kokubu points out, are a bit sweeter than American-style omelettes or scrambled eggs. The canned cocktail drink commercial was inspired by an episode of my favorite Japanese detective drama, Aibou, in which a proposed line of canned cocktails was a crucial plot element. I later discovered that there really is a type of canned cocktail drink in Japan called Chu-Hi, which is a sugary alcoholic drink in various fruit flavors, and this is the type of thing that I pictured Onozuka and Kikuchi promoting in the commercial.
Random bit of trivia: In the new Kindle release of Boku no Koe, Yaogi calls Jouchi by the nickname "Jo-Jo" most of the time. It didn't sound like a typical Japanese nickname, so I double-checked the tankoban, and what he actually says is "Jouchi-chi." (Well, it's written out as "Jouchitsuchi," but I believe that the "tsu" functions as a connector and isn't audibly pronounced, though I'm not an expert in Japanese.) "Jo-Jo" sounds a little cuter and more natural to my American ear, so I decided to stick with that.
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I loved the entire plot, and I liked how you incorporated several characters from your the Come Back series - it was bloody brilliant. Seriously, Sensei ought to draw your contributions because they feel so much like canon.
Anyway, this saved my day. Come to think of it, it saved my entire week, and probably also last month. (Yes, I've had the suckiest time in my life, more or less, during the last few months, so one learns to appreciate the lovely, light moments, and reading this was certainly one of them. *kisses*
Thank you so much, sweetie, for writing this absolutly adorable romantic story. <3
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And on a purely selfish note, I had fun playing with your version of Tanahashi and Kokubu. I loved Sleepless Hearts so much that I don't think I can ship either one of them with anyone else now. And I had a blast throwing K&O and the manager into the mix! Poor Tanhashi, I feel like I really abused him in this fic: Kikuchi completely forgetting about him, Kojima teasing him, and Kokubu fighting with him. *pets Tanahashi*
I am sorry life has been so sucky for you, and I'm glad I was able to brighten your day/week/month a little. *hugs*
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btw, i prefer Jouchi-chi to Jo-Jo! *LOL*
and all this cooking made me hungry ^^
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Sorry to make you hungry--somehow I always end up writing about food when I write Haru fics! Maybe I should add a warning to the fic headers, like "Caution, this fic may make you hungry!" ~_^
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all your side infos are cool, i appreciate them ^^