FIC: Always, Part 1 of 6

[geri_chan]

Continuing with the reposting of my old Snupin fics, here's the story that started off my whole long AU Snupin epic...

Title: Always, Part 1 of 6
Rating: NC-17 overall, but mostly PG-13
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Word count: ~9,700
Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling and lyrics belong to the band Saliva; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part. (All songs are from the album "Back into Your System.")
Warning: Very AU (was written pre-Book 5)--Snape is a pureblood; also, in my universe, Lupin's condition is a hereditary disease or curse. It seemed more logical than the huge coincidence of someone whose name means "wolf" being bitten by a werewolf. It doesn't really come up in this story except for a brief mention, but plays a more important role in the sequels to this story.
Summary: A retelling of Prisoner of Azkaban. Lupin's addition to the teaching staff causes both him and Snape to reflect on the past and their schoolboy days at Hogwarts.

***

[Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time...
--"Rest in Pieces" by Saliva]

It was the first day of the new school year at Hogwarts. Snape watched as Dumbledore blithely introduced the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to the students in the Great Hall. Snape hid his hands beneath the table so that no one could see how badly they were shaking. He had fought bitterly with the Headmaster about Lupin's appointment, but thought that he had resigned himself to the inevitable. He had been prepared for the return of the long-buried feelings of hatred, resentment, and betrayal; what he had not expected was how much it would hurt to see Lupin again. The pain felt as fresh as it had at age sixteen, nearly twenty years ago. Every time Lupin glanced across the table at him, Snape felt as if his heart were being carved into tiny pieces with a sharp knife.

Though Lupin's face was still young and boyish, it was pale and nearly gray with exhaustion and illness. His hair was still shoulder-length and falling untidily into his face, but there now strands of silver among the brown. Even in the best of times, Lupin's pale blue eyes had always held a certain sadness; the secret he carried had given him a sense of gravity and maturity the other students lacked. But there were shadows in those eyes now that had not been there before--the few shreds of childish innocence and illusion the teenage Lupin possessed had been stripped away. Snape should have felt a sense of malicious satisfaction at seeing how far Lupin had fallen, with his haunted eyes and tatty, threadbare robes, but instead he felt pity and a small but gradually increasing feeling of guilt gnawing away at the inside of his stomach. His fingers twitched and he dug his nails into his palms till they nearly drew blood as he fought back a sudden insane urge to reach over and push a stray lock of hair out of Lupin's eyes. Then a wave of fury swept over him; how dare the werewolf come here and disturb what little peace of mind he had left! How dare he invade Snape's home and workplace! He felt the hatred rise, leaving a bitter taste like bile in his mouth, but he welcomed it because it drove away the pain. He glared across the table at Lupin so blackly that the other teachers--and many of the students--began to look a little alarmed. Minerva, who was sitting next to him, gave him a stern look of warning, and from the Gryffindor table, Harry Potter stared at him in surprise, but for once Snape didn't even notice Potter; he was oblivious to everyone and everything but Lupin...

[Look at your life, look at the way you slip and slide
Look at your time, look at the ones that you've left behind
Look at your eyes, the haunted black circles of your plight...
Look at your mind, look at the strength you never found
You lean on your pride, the only friend that would never let you down
--"Famous Monsters" by Saliva]

Lupin let his hair fall across his face, peering from behind it like a veil, as he tried to watch Snape without being conspicuous about it. He was alarmed by what he saw--not by the look of sheer loathing; though it hurt, he had expected that. No, he was concerned about Snape himself. On the surface, Severus had not changed much--he still had pale skin ("Like a corpse," he used to joke in school, self-deprecatingly), raven-black hair ("Greasy," Sirius used to sneer; "Shiny," Lupin would say in private, as he ran his hands through the other boy's hair), and black eyes. But that white skin had a much more pronounced sallow tinge to it than it used to--too much time spent in the dungeon, perhaps? Or perhaps it was merely his natural coloring, but it made him look almost as sickly as Lupin himself. His hair was still black with no sign of gray, but there were deep frown lines etched in his forehead and around his mouth. Severus had not exactly been a barrel of laughs in his youth, but this older Severus looked as if he never smiled at all. But what concerned Lupin most of all were Snape's eyes: as a boy those eyes had been full of anger and arrogance, but that was only a thin veneer to hide the jealousy and loneliness beneath, though only Lupin had seen through it. However, those eyes had also been full of life and energy; now they looked empty and haunted, although he still hid behind a facade of anger. Lupin wondered if the years Severus had spent among the Death Eaters had put that hollow look in his eyes, and he felt a pang of guilt. {Is it my fault? Did I drive him over to Voldemort's side? Would things have turned out differently if I'd had the courage to tell him my secret before Sirius exposed me, or would he still have hated me for being a monster...?}

Lupin had seen Snape only briefly today at the staff meeting earlier and now at dinner, but he had seen enough to realize that the walls Severus had built around himself as a child were stronger than ever. It was clear that most of the other teachers disliked him, and that he kept them all at arm's length. When Albus had written to Lupin offering him the job, he had confided that he was worried about Severus. "He has completely shut out everyone, including me," Dumbledore had written. "I have no doubt of where his loyalties lie, but the days ahead will be difficult ones--for all of us, but especially for Severus. He is under a great deal of pressure, and has put himself in great danger for our cause. He keeps all his emotions bottled up inside; I fear what will happen to him when he can no longer keep them contained. You were the only one who was ever able to get through to him. I know it will be difficult because his pride will never let him admit it, but he very badly needs a friend, Remus..." Lupin sighed. He didn't know how he was supposed to help Severus when it was clear that he would never forgive Lupin for what had happened so many years ago...

Lupin pushed his food around his plate dispiritedly while Snape stabbed viciously at his dinner with his knife and fork, as if it had personally done something to offend him. Unbeknownst to each other, the thoughts of both men drifted back to their boyhood days at Hogwarts...

***

When Snape first came to Hogwarts, he barely noticed Lupin. The boy was so quiet and unassuming that he only became aware of Lupin's existence because he had attached himself to Snape's arch-rival James Potter. At first Potter himself was just another annoying Gryffindor; at the beginning of the first year, Snape was busy getting settled in at Slytherin House (it took a few months to establish the pecking order among the new students). Strength and status ruled in Slytherin; Snape came from an old and well-respected family, so status was covered. As for strength--well, some of the other boys tried to bully him, but a few potent hexes took care of that. Lucius Malfoy in particular was impressed with the new student's knowledge of hexes and curses, and his approval clinched Snape's standing in Slytherin. Malfoy was a couple of years older than Snape, but even the seventh-year students trod carefully around him. Lucius's father was a high-ranking Ministry official, and the Malfoys were rumored to be practitioners of the Dark Arts; bad things happened to the people who crossed them. Snape didn't particularly like Lucius, but he knew how the game was played, and made sure to stay on Malfoy's good side. Once his place in Slytherin was secure, he was able to turn his full attention to his studies. Snape was not handsome or charming like Malfoy and Potter, but he was an excellent scholar and he was proud of that. He excelled in all his classes, especially Potions, and surprisingly enough, turned out to have a talent for Quidditch. (His father thought the game was a total waste of time, but made a point of knowing the rules and attending important matches because all the high-ranking wizards also attended the games, and many crucial contacts and furtive deals were made there.) So he finished his first year, feeling quite smug, expecting to be at the top of his class. And he was indeed the top-ranking Slytherin of his year, and also beat out all the students in the other Houses, except for one--James Potter. Snape was shocked to see Potter's name at the top of the student rankings; he had edged Snape out by just a few points.

That was a bitter taste of things to come, and the beginning of the rivalry between the two boys. For over the years, Snape found himself constantly coming in second to Potter--in class, on the Quidditch field, and in the Headmaster's affections. He would rather die than admit it, even to himself, but Dumbledore had become something of a father figure to the young Severus Snape. Snape's parents were cold and ambitious sorcerers who showed little affection towards each other and even less towards their son--such sentimentality was only for the weak and foolish. His mother drilled him in wizard politics and etiquette: how to greet a wizard of a particular rank, who should be flattered and who could safely be snubbed, and so on. Appearances were everything to her, and woe betide him if he wore the wrong robe to a formal party, or if he tried to play with a child who was not from a "proper" family. Snape's father tutored him in sorcery, and was a stern taskmaster. He expected nothing less than perfection from his son, and while mistakes were met with a few terse but scathing remarks that cut to the bone, success won Severus no praise--at best his reward was a grudging nod of approval, for the elder Snape saw no reason to praise his son simply for doing what was expected of him. Snape's father also tolerated no disobedience or insolence, and punished such acts severely: he never struck his son, but rather employed a weaker form of the Cruciatus Curse, which caused intense pain but left no bruises or physical marks. Snape soon gave up trying to win his parents' approval, and settled for being ignored, spending most of his free time in the family library. Books were one of the few pleasures allowed to him, and he was soon studying spells advanced beyond what his father was teaching him. This led to trouble one day when he lost his temper during a quarrel with a neighbor's child and cast a particularly nasty curse on the boy. It also led to him meeting Dumbledore personally when the child's parents tried to have him barred from entering Hogwarts. To his surprise, the old wizard didn't scold him, but instead asked him how he'd learned such an advanced spell, and seemed impressed by how much Snape had learned on his own. He joked with the boy, gave him some candy, and played a game of wizard chess with him. Although Dumbledore had never taken an interest in wizard politics before (at least according to Snape's mother), he dropped by several gatherings at the Snape home and made a point of spending time with Severus. His parents weren't sure whether to be pleased or not: they disliked Dumbledore's sympathy for the Muggle-born, but he was an important figure in the wizarding world and it was an honor for their son to be singled out for attention by him. For Severus, Dumbledore was the first person to encourage him or show him affection. Although he outwardly remained reserved, he soon began to eagerly anticipate those visits, and came to like and trust the old wizard--at least as much as a wary young man of his upbringing was capable of. The Headmaster continued to look after Snape once he came to Hogwarts, and would often stop to inquire about how his studies were going. That pleased Snape, but he soon noticed that the Headmaster also favored a group of young Gryffindors--James Potter in particular.

Thus, Snape became obsessed with revenging himself on Potter. He watched Potter closely, always on the lookout for an opportunity to show Potter up or get him in trouble, which was how he became aware of Potter's inner circle of friends. Potter was popular with all the Gryffindors, but there were three boys who were constantly by his side. Peter Pettigrew was a little toady who simply followed the other boys around; Snape dismissed him as being not worth bothering with. Sirius Black, on the other hand, went out of his way to antagonize Snape. He taunted and insulted Snape, drew big-nosed caricatures of Snape on the bathroom walls, and once used a spell to turn Snape's favorite black robe pink. Snape retaliated with his vast knowledge of hexes and curses; he enjoyed watching Black cough up slugs and grow warts on his face, but his very favorite curse was an invention of his own. As payback for the drawing in the boys' bathroom, Snape cast a spell that made Black's nose grow...and grow...and grow... (Ironically, he got the idea from a Muggle children's book he overheard Lily Evans talking about.) It was nearly three feet long before a teacher dispelled the curse, as Snape and his Slytherin classmates were practically rolling on the ground laughing. That incident (and many others) had gotten both him and Black sent to the Headmaster's office for a lecture as well as a week's detention, but it had been worth it.

But the third boy, Remus Lupin, was different. He wasn't as obnoxious as the others, and never actively took part in the pranks his friends played on Snape. While the other three laughed and sneered at Snape, Lupin would linger on the sidelines, smiling apologetically at him. That gentle smile annoyed the hell out of Snape; at first he was certain the other boy must be mocking him, yet Lupin was always unfailingly polite no matter how rude Snape was to him. He even tried at times, to keep the peace between his friends and Snape--though his efforts were largely unsuccessful. One such incident took place during their second year at Hogwarts...

***

It all began when there was a mix-up with the Quidditch practice schedule, and both Slytherin and Gryffindor were signed up to use the field at the same time. Neither House would back down, of course, so they ended up having an impromptu match. It was a gloomy, overcast day and by the middle of the game it was pouring rain, turning the field below into a muddy mess. Soon most of the players gave up and went back to their dorms or retreated beneath the stands for cover--all except Snape and Potter.

"Come down, you idiots!" Lupin yelled from the field below. "It's dangerous to play in weather like this!"

"You can quit if you're scared of a little rain," Snape said, managing to project a haughty demeanor despite the fact that his hair was plastered to his face and his robes were soaking wet. "But that means conceding the match to Slytherin."

"Never!" said Potter.

"It's not even a real match, James!" Lupin protested.

"Leave be, Remus," Black said. "It's for the honor of Gryffindor!"

"The honor of Gryffindor!" echoed Pettigrew.

"Fat lot of good honor will do them if they fall off their brooms and break their necks," grumbled Lupin.

Just then the Golden Snitch flew into view; Snape and Potter both dove for it at the same time. Snape jostled Potter, attempting to cut him off while the Gryffindors below booed and hissed. (All except for Lupin, who just looked worried.) Potter's broom spun out of control; it swung back around and hit Snape before Potter could regain his balance, and Snape went tumbling to the ground, landing in a large puddle of mud. The Gryffindors shrieked with laughter, and Potter landed, triumphantly holding the Snitch in one hand. Snape tried to get to his feet, but slipped and fell hard on his backside. The Gryffindors laughed again, and even his fellow Slytherin teammates snickered. The Slytherins showed no mercy or sympathy even to their own; the strong ruled over the weak, and looked for any opportunity to advance themselves at each other's expense. Snape's face turned red with anger and embarrassment as he struggled to regain his footing in the slippery mud. Then he heard a voice say softly, "Are you all right, Severus?" He looked up to see Remus Lupin standing over him, no mockery in his eyes, just a look of concern. Lupin smiled and held out his right hand. Snape hesitated for a moment; he almost let Lupin help him up but he saw his housemates watching him, and knew he'd lose face if he did. He reached out and took Lupin's hand, but instead of letting Lupin pull him up, he pulled Lupin down into the mud beside him. Snape's teammates laughed, and he knew he'd won back their respect, but was surprised to feel a pang of guilt as he got to his feet and looked down at Lupin lying in the mud, a startled look on his face.

To cover up his guilt, Snape sneered, "Next time, mind your own business, Lupin."

Black ran over to help his friend up, glaring at Snape as he said, "That's what you get for trying to help a Slytherin!"

Lupin just laughed and said, "Well, I needed a bath, anyway."

Snape grabbed his broom and stomped off the field, muttering, "Idiot Gryffindors, they're all soft in the head!"

***

[Something's wrong with me
Cause I can't even begin to feel you now
Or know that this is real
Am I blind to see that there's something there behind your eyes
And it's bringing me to my knees
All I want is you and I don't care
--"All Because of You" by Saliva]

From that day forward, Snape became as obsessed with Lupin as he was with Potter. He began following the four boys around constantly, looking for ways to get them in trouble (at least that's what he told himself). He couldn't figure Lupin out, and it was driving him crazy. The way he always smiled apologetically when his friends teased Snape, for instance. At first he thought Lupin was too cowardly to either dump his idiot friends or join wholeheartedly in their pranks. Yet he certainly didn't seem intimidated by any of the school bullies, including Snape's housemates Crabbe and Goyle, who resembled mountain trolls in appearance, temperament, and stupidity. He was even brave enough to play with the Gamekeeper Hagrid's monstrous black dog--if it even was a dog. It was the size of a small bear, and ferocious as a hellhound, but Lupin managed to pet it without losing any of his fingers.

Lupin enjoyed a close friendship and easy camaraderie with the other three Gryffindor boys, which caused Snape's stomach to tie itself into knots with some emotion he refused to acknowledge. But he also remained unflappably calm and polite no matter how nasty Snape was to him. Snape went out of his way to try and shake that calm, to wipe that gentle smile off Lupin's face, but to his mingled disappointment and relief, he never could. In fact, he found himself deliberately provoking Black or Potter just to get those apologetic little half-smiles from Lupin. But it bothered him somehow that Lupin never gave him a real smile, the kind he gave his Gryffindor friends. Then he would get angry with himself for having such ridiculous thoughts. And Lupin's eyes--no matter how happy he was, no matter what mischief he got into with Potter and the others, there was always a deep sense of sadness lurking beneath the laughter in those blue eyes. Snape wondered if it had something to do with his mysterious illness; he longed to find out what Lupin's secret was--so he could get Lupin and his friends in trouble, of course. He didn't want to help Lupin or soothe his pain; that would be ludicrous! At least, that's what he told himself...



***

Then one day during Incantations and Summonings class, Professor Blackmore told her students they would work in pairs for their next project, the summoning of a minor benign elemental spirit. However, instead of allowing them to choose partners as she normally did, she announced that she was going to try a little experiment of her own. She normally taught two periods of double classes (Slytherin and Gryffindor, and Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff), but for this assignment, she gathered both classes together and paired off partners without regard to Houses. The students grumbled, but quietly, under their breath, so she ignored them until she came to...

"...Lupin and Snape."

"You can't expect me to work with that GRYFFINDOR!" Snape protested loudly. A little more loudly than he'd intended, in order to cover up the sudden--and totally inappropriate--surge of elation he felt when he heard his partner's name. He quickly squelched that feeling, telling himself firmly that he was not happy but outraged, as any proper Slytherin would be.

Branwen Blackmore was a beautiful young woman, with flawless creamy skin, waist-length black hair, and piercing green eyes. Yet she had no trouble keeping order in class; her steely gaze could intimidate even the most unruly of her students. She had a remote, otherworldly air about her, and it was rumored that she had inherited faery, or possibly even demon blood from some long-forgotten ancestor. Some of the younger Slytherin children believed that her familiar, a huge raven named Bane, was a demon in disguise. A silly rumor, no doubt, but she was certainly powerful enough to summon a demon if such things were not proscribed by the Ministry of Magic. Bane glared balefully at Snape from his perch at the back of the room, and his mistress gave her errant student a look that made him gulp and turn pale.

"I expect you to work with your assigned partner unless you wish to fail this class, Mr. Snape," Blackmore said coldly.

The Professor's sharp gaze skewered Snape and held him immobile; he felt like an insect specimen pinned to a piece of cardboard. "Yes, ma'am," he mumbled, and as her gaze moved on, he slumped in his chair with relief.

"Are there any further objections?"

{Only Sirius Black would be dumb enough to challenge her,} Snape thought, and sure enough, Black obliged.

"But Professor, you can't make Remus work with that--" Then it was Black's turn to gulp as Blackmore's glare fell on him. Still, he was too stubborn or too stupid to let it go, and ignored Lupin's and Potter's frantic signals to keep quiet. "I mean, what if he hurts Remy or sabotages the project? The Slytherin are always causing trouble to--"

"That attitude is exactly why I chose to assign partners from different Houses," said Blackmore sternly. "A little competition on the Quidditch field is fine, but this rivalry between Houses is escalating to an unhealthy level. You are all students of this school, and one day you will all hopefully become certified witches and wizards. You should be working together for the common good of this school, and society in general. Consider this an exercise in inter-House cooperation. It is possible that someday your life, and the lives of those you love, might depend upon it."

Black and Snape glared at each other, each obviously thinking it would be a cold day in hell before they would ever cooperate.

Professor Blackmore sighed. "Well, one step at a time. Let me make it clear that your grade on this project will depend on your ability to cooperate. No one will 'sabotage' this project unless they want to fail. Likewise, if a pair tries to work independently of each other, they will get a failing grade even if the summoning succeeds. This is a collaboration, ladies and gentlemen, and you are being judged not just on your magical ability but on your ability to work together. Is that clear?" This time there were no objections, and the Professor took silence as assent. "Good."

***

After class, the students gathered in the hallway, comparing notes and in some cases, commiserating with each other. Potter had been paired with a Ravenclaw boy, and Pettigrew and Black with girls from Hufflepuff.

"Well, your partner seems like a decent sort, James," Black said. "And mine is actually kind of cute!" He winked at the girl, who was standing across the hall with her friends. She blushed, and the other girls burst into giggles.

"Mine is kind of dumpy," said Pettigrew glumly. "But it's better than being paired with a Slytherin, like Remus."

"Oh, it's not so bad, really," said Lupin gamely. "He's really smart, so we should get a good grade. Better than being paired with Crabbe or Goyle."

"True," said Potter. "They're mean AND stupid! But still--"

"What if instead of summoning the elemental, he conjures up a demon to eat you--" Pettigrew began, then broke off as Snape appeared behind him.

"I'd feed YOU to a demon, Pettigrew, if I didn't think you'd give it indigestion."

Pettigrew squealed and ducked behind Black for protection. Black opened his mouth, but Lupin hastily cut him off before he could speak. "Er, hello Severus," he said, smiling nervously. "Shall we meet after school to start work on our project?"

"I suppose so," Snape said sourly. "It's not like we have a choice." He twisted his lips into a fierce scowl to keep the corners of his mouth from curving upwards and returning Lupin's smile.

"Okay, then why don't you come up to the common room before dinner--"

"You're not letting that greasy git into Gryffindor Tower!" howled Black.

"But we have to work together on the project," protested Lupin.

"If you brought him to Gryffindor, he'd hear the password," Potter pointed out, more calmly than Black, but he was staring at Snape warily.

"What's the big deal?" Lupin asked in exasperation. "It changes every week!"

"We're not letting some sneaky Slytherin into our dorm to snoop around!" snarled Black.

"As if I'd want to!" retorted Snape. "What on earth do you goody-two-shoes Gryffindors have to hide, anyway? Some dungbombs hidden under the bed? Like I care."

"You care enough to be following us around all the time, trying to get us in trouble--"

"I don't think the other Gryffindors would agree to it, Remy," said Potter, interrupting Black's tirade.

"Fine," sighed Lupin. "Would you rather study at Slytherin, then, Severus?" he asked, a little reluctantly.

"I don't think Malfoy would agree to that," Snape said, sounding a little embarrassed.

"Oh right, I forgot," sneered Black. "You Slytherins aren't allowed to even go to the bathroom without Malfoy's permission."

"Shut up, Black!"

"Make me!"

"Oh, knock it off you two, before you get detention for fighting in the halls again!" said Lupin. "Why don't we meet in the library after last class, Severus? We need to do some research on the spell first anyway."

"Fine," growled Snape. "And make sure you carry your weight on this project, Lupin. I'm not doing all the work by myself, you know."

"Professor Blackmore said we're to work together, and that's what I intend to do," Lupin said quietly. Snape turned on his heel and stalked off without another word, his robe swirling dramatically behind him.

"What a jerk," Potter muttered.

Pettigrew did an exaggerated imitation of Snape's exit and tripped on the hem of his robe as he swirled it around him. Snape ignored the laughter of the boys behind him as he continued to walk down the corridor, but his good mood was ruined when he heard Lupin laughing good-naturedly along with the other Gryffindors. He had never enjoyed that kind of easy laughter with his Slytherin "friends"--Slytherins laughed at each other, not with each other. He'd never experienced a close friendship such as the one Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew shared. Not that he cared, of course; Slytherins didn't care about sappy things like friendship and love. "Sentimentality is a luxury only the weak can afford," Snape muttered under his breath, repeating one of his father's favorite homilies. At least he could take Lupin away from his Gryffindor friends for a few weeks; that would really stick in Black's craw. Somewhat cheered by that thought, Snape began to smile as he headed for his next class. And he would have Lupin all to himself for three weeks... Although he was unaware of it, Snape's smile grew even wider.

***

"No, you may not bring that shabby excuse for a wizard into the Slytherin common room!" Malfoy exclaimed incredulously. "Have you lost your mind, Snape? Why on earth did you agree to work with a Gryffindor?"

"Do you think I WANT to work with that Gryffindor twit?!" snapped Snape. "I told you, Professor Blackmore stuck us together! If you want to argue about it with her, be my guest!"

"Watch your step, Snape!" Malfoy warned.

"It's true, though, Lucius," interjected Evan Rosier. He was a handsome boy, with curly black hair, intense dark eyes, and pouty lips that girls seemed to find irresistible. "I got paired with that snooty Ravenclaw bitch Ariane Donner. She had the nerve to tell me she'd have my head on a platter if I lowered her grade point average! Everyone got paired with someone from another House. Blackmore's got some kind of silly idealistic notion of fostering 'inter-House cooperation'."

Malfoy snorted, sounding somewhat pacified. "The Headmaster probably put her up to it. My father says he's a bleeding heart liberal. Well, it can't be helped, I suppose. But you're not bringing any Gryffindors here."

"We can't work at Gryffindor, we can't work here, what are we supposed to do?" complained Snape.

"Oh, stop whining, Snape! It was Blackmore's idea; let her deal with it! Tell her to let you use one of the empty classrooms or something."

***

A little warmth actually crept into Blackmore's face as she smiled at the two boys standing in front of her. "So, your Houses are not making this easy for you. I expected as much. You are two of my most responsible students, so I see no problem in letting you use the empty workroom in the dungeon. It's already warded with protective spells, so it's an ideal place to practice a summoning. Not that I expect anything to go awry, at least not with you two--" The Professor sighed, looking distracted for a moment, perhaps worrying about some of her less adept students. Then she shook her head slightly, and her usual no-nonsense expression returned to her face. She took a key from her desk drawer and handed it to Snape, saying, "I trust you won't abuse this privilege, gentlemen."

"No, ma'am," Lupin and Snape said in unison.

"Good," she said. Bane cawed loudly, and she picked up a plate filled with meat scraps--apparently they had interrupted the raven's dinner--and resumed hand-feeding the bird, one morsel at a time. As the boys walked out of her office, she added, "I'd hate to have to feed you to Bane."

"Um...you don't think she was serious, do you, Severus?" Lupin asked as they walked down the hall.

Snape shrugged. "That bird is almost big enough to take on Hagrid's dog; it's certainly mean enough. I had no idea ravens could grow that large." Then, to Lupin's surprise, he actually cracked a smile. A small and sardonic one, but a smile nonetheless. "Do you know what kind of meat she was feeding him?"

"No...do you?"

"No, but I haven't seen Goyle all day," replied Snape.

Lupin looked at him suspiciously. "Why Severus, did you just make a joke?"

"Everyone knows Slytherins have no sense of humor," said Snape with a straight face. Lupin laughed, and against his will, the corners of Snape's mouth twitched upwards in a smile.

***

In truth, Lupin wasn't at all perturbed when Blackmore assigned Snape to be his partner, although he feigned reluctance for the sake of his friends, who wouldn't understand why he was pleased. Lupin wasn't sure he understood it himself; Snape, like any Slytherin, despised all Gryffindors, but he seemed to go out of his way to be rude to Lupin in particular. But still, he sensed there was something more to Snape, that the Slytherin hid his true self behind a shield of anger and arrogance. Sirius claimed that Snape always followed them around because he was looking for ways to get them expelled, but Lupin wasn't so sure about that. He thought he saw an odd kind of hunger lurking beneath the hatred in Snape's black eyes. Snape held himself apart from all the other students, and had no close friends, even in his own House. Lupin once told his friends that he thought Snape might be lonely, that he perhaps he followed them around because he envied their close relationship. Sirius and the others had just looked at him as if he'd lost his mind.

***

"Lonely? SNAPE?! Ha, that's a good one, Moony!"

"But it makes sense, Sirius," Lupin protested. "He's always alone, and here are the four of us, thick as thieves, running around having fun together."

"He's not alone," pointed out Peter. "He hangs around with Malfoy's crowd."

"Do you really think they have any loyalty to each other? Do you think he could trust Malfoy or Rosier with a secret the way I can trust you guys with mine?"

"Well, Moony, I can see your point," James said dubiously. "But if he wants to be friends with us, he has an odd way of showing it."

"He wants to, but he can't, you see, because the other Slytherins would turn against him--"

Sirius laughed, "Remus, you're too softhearted. I'd sooner befriend a viper!"

***

After that, Lupin gave up trying to convince his friends to be nicer to Snape. But he felt sorry for the other boy, always hanging around the edge of things, but never truly a part of them. Perhaps the fact that he had a secret of his own gave Lupin the ability to see something deeper in Snape. So he tried to be nice to Snape no matter how rude the other boy was; Lupin knew better than anyone how it felt to be alone and unwanted. While he couldn't exactly say he liked Snape, he found the Slytherin boy intriguing somehow, and found himself looking forward to getting to know him better while working on the Summonings project.

Lupin and Snape spent many hours in the library and the workroom together, poring over books. The spell was more complex than any other they'd been required to do so far, consisting of several different parts: a circle of protection to contain the spirit, a focus for the spirit to manifest in (in this case a bowl of water, since they were supposed to summon a water elemental), and an incantation to summon the spirit and bind it to their service. If a mistake was made in any of these steps, the entire spell would fail, and all their efforts would be wasted.

When Lupin entered the workroom one night, he found Snape sitting at the desk, laboriously copying runes from a book onto a piece of parchment. "Have you been at that all night, Severus? Better stop and take a break."

"We need these runes for the protective circle, and I have to return the book to the library tomorrow," Snape said without looking up.

"Yeah, but if you're too tired you'll make mistakes, and if the runes aren't drawn correctly, the circle will be useless. Not that it really matters, since these are weak and relatively harmless spirits, less dangerous than Peeves, really," said Lupin, referring to the resident poltergeist. "But still, that would be sloppy on our part--"

"And Blackmore hates sloppy work," finished Snape with a grimace. "So do I. Okay, you win, Lupin. I could use a break, I suppose." He set down his quill and rubbed his eyes.

Lupin smiled to himself. He had learned a couple of things about Snape over the past week or so--that he had a genuine passion for his studies, and that he hated doing anything in a less than perfect fashion. "Here," he said. "We missed dinner, so I talked the house elves into giving us some sandwiches."

"Thanks," said Snape absentmindedly, as he accepted a thick ham-and-cheese sandwich and bit into it.

Lupin grinned. Snape had behaved in his usual curt and abrasive manner when they began the project, but had accorded Lupin a grudging respect when he realized that Lupin really was a talented wizard and that he worked hard without complaint. And when Snape got absorbed in his studies, he often forgot to be rude altogether--like just now, for instance. He found that he actually enjoyed Snape's company; he appreciated the Slytherin's razor-sharp wit, even when it was being directed against himself, and took pleasure in the rare moments when Snape let down his guard and let Lupin see his enthusiasm for their project. Many of their classmates complained that the project was too hard, but it was exactly the sort of challenge that Snape craved. He sat down and took out his own sandwich, and they ate in companionable silence for a few minutes until Snape saw the expression on Lupin's face.

"What're you smirking about, Lupin?" Snape asked with his mouth full, but with only perfunctory rudeness, as if his heart wasn't really in it.

"I was just thinking that I'm glad you're my partner," replied Lupin honestly.

"Hmmph!" snorted Snape, blushing slightly. "Well, it's true you're sure to get a good grade since I'm your partner," he said with his usual arrogance. "But I know you'd rather be paired with Potter or Black."

Lupin looked at Snape more closely. Had that last remark held just a touch of resentment--maybe even hurt--in it? The other boy refused to meet his eyes, but looked positively sulky as he continued to chew his sandwich. Lupin said gently, "I really am glad that you're my partner, Severus. I think maybe the Professor was right; I have lots of friends in Gryffindor, but I don't spend much time with anyone from the other Houses. I can see James and Sirius anytime, but I'd never have gotten to know you if we hadn't been assigned to work together."

Snape looked up, startled, and for a moment Lupin saw a mixture of hope and vulnerability in his black eyes. Then, as quickly as it had happened, the moment passed, and the haughty Slytherin mask was back on his face. "Enough with the chitchat," Snape said brusquely. "Let's get back to work."

***

It was a couple of days before their project was due, and Lupin and Snape were working through their lunch hour in the workroom. Lupin wanted to get as much done during the day as he could because he knew he would get nothing done tonight, the night of the full moon. When Snape arrived, carrying a large package beneath one arm, Lupin told the other boy to go ahead and eat lunch without him, but his partner stubbornly insisted on working with him.

"It's not like missing one meal will kill me," Snape said irritably. "You're much thinner than I am, anyway. In fact," he added with a frown as he peered at Lupin intently, "you don't look so good. Are you all right? Maybe you're the one who shouldn't skip lunch."

"I'm feeling a bit under the weather, but I'll be okay," Lupin said, trying to sound convincing. "Besides, we have a lot of work to do."

Snape gave him a skeptical look, but just shrugged and said, "Well, here, have a Chocolate Frog."

"Thanks, Severus."

"Don't thank me. I just don't want you to faint of hunger and knock over the table and spill everything," Snape blustered, motioning to the table where Lupin was preparing ingredients (ground fish scales and dried seaweed) that needed to be mixed into the bowl of water that would be used to summon the elemental.

Lupin ducked his head to hide his grin; he was touched by the other boy's concern, but knew Snape's pride would be wounded if he realized Lupin had seen through his act.

While Lupin was munching on the piece of chocolate, Snape set down the package he'd been carrying and unwrapped it, revealing a beautiful ceramic bowl and a small velvet pouch. The bowl was wide and shallow, painted with a stylized wave pattern in subtle shades of blue and green. Then he emptied the contents of the pouch--a half dozen high-quality pearls--into his palm. Lupin's eyes widened.

"Weren't those expensive?"

Snape shrugged, and began grinding the pearls into powder with a mortar and pestle. "My parents sent them via owl."

"It isn't absolutely necessary to use pearls in the spell--"

"But it's more effective that way," said Snape. "Besides," he added curtly, "they want me to get good grades, so let them pay for it."

"They must be proud of you, then," Lupin said after an awkward pause.

Something flickered in Snape's eyes, then a mask fell over his face, rendering those black eyes expressionless. "Get back to work, Lupin," was all he said.

Lupin obeyed without protest, saying, "Perhaps you should set aside a couple of those pearls. One of the books I read said that water elementals are fond of pretty trinkets, and can be bribed with them."

"Yes, that's where the Muggle legends of sea monsters come from," said Snape in a slightly didactic tone. "The greater elementals would sometimes sink merchant ships for their treasure. But a bribe isn't really necessary if the caster is strong enough to properly control the elemental."

"But a gift keeps the elemental happy, and prevents it from holding a grudge against the caster. Besides, it's the polite thing to do."

Snape laughed, shattering whatever odd mood had fallen over him. "God forbid we should be less than polite! Water elementals can easily find pearls on the ocean floor, but I'm sure we can find something appropriate. It doesn't need to be valuable as long as it's shiny or colorful."

They finished preparing the spell ingredients and put them away in covered jars, Lupin moving very slowly and carefully so as not to spill anything, since his hands were starting to tremble. He felt exhausted and nauseated, and began to wish he hadn't eaten that Chocolate Frog after all. He broke out into a cold sweat and grabbed the edge of the table to steady himself as he felt the onset of the wracking pains that always preceded his transformation. It felt like someone was trying to twist his flesh and bones into a different shape--which was essentially what was happening to him. But as bad as the pain was now, it was only a shadow of what it would be by moonrise. He normally would have spent the day in bed, but felt guilty about leaving Severus to work on their project alone.

"Lupin?" Snape asked sharply, not bothering to hide his concern. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Lupin gasped, forcing himself to let go of the table.

"You don't look fine."

"Come on, we'll be late for our next class," Lupin said, but as he headed for the door, a sudden stab of pain in his midsection caused him to double over.

"Lupin!" Snape cried, catching him before he collapsed.

"I'm all right," Lupin insisted. "Just let me catch my breath." He felt Snape's arms tighten around his waist, which was good, since he didn't think his legs would support him right now. He leaned against the other boy, telling himself he just needed to rest for a moment, but that moment stretched out longer than he intended...he felt safe and protected in Severus's arms, as he had not felt since he was a very small child. {Just a few more seconds, and then I'll let go...} he told himself once, and then again.

"Remus?" Snape asked in a shaky voice, sounding very young and frightened, and not at all arrogant. "I think we should get you to the hospital wing."

Lupin felt absurdly happy that Severus had finally called him by his first name. "I'm all right," he said, but didn't move.

"You are not all right," said Snape more firmly. He kept one arm around Lupin's waist, and with the other, pulled one of Lupin's arms around his shoulders. "We're going to the hospital wing. Come on."

As they walked down the corridor, Lupin protested, "I'm fine really...it's an old childhood illness...nothing to be done for it except to rest..."

"Oh, shut up and save your breath, Lupin," Snape said in a tone that brooked no argument. He sounded remarkably like Professor Blackmore at her scariest. Lupin took the hint and shut up, leaning on his partner for support. He thought he could manage walking by himself but he didn't think Severus would believe him. Besides it felt rather nice...

They were halfway to the hospital wing when they ran into James, Sirius, and Peter. Lupin wanted to laugh at the way their eyes nearly popped out of their heads. Unfortunately, he was the only one who found the situation amusing.

"What the hell did you do to Remus, you slimy git?!" Sirius shouted.

"I didn't do anything, you moron! He's sick!" Snape shouted back. The other three boys didn't look convinced. Sirius in particular was looking murderous; Lupin saw his hand drifting towards the pocket where he kept his wand. Snape saw it too; his fingers twitched, but he couldn't reach for his wand without letting go of Lupin.

Lupin decided to intervene before any blood was spilled. "I really am sick, you guys. It's...ah...the usual thing. Severus was just helping me to the hospital wing."

"Well, we can take care over from here," said James, still looking at Snape suspiciously.

When Snape didn't look like he was going to let go of Lupin anytime soon, Peter piped up, "Why don't you just trot on back to Slytherin?"

"Why don't you ask me that when Potter and Black aren't around to protect you?" Snape snarled.

Things might have gotten ugly at that point, if the Headmaster had not happened to be walking by. "Are you not feeling well, Mr. Lupin?" he asked mildly, appearing to take no notice of the way Snape and the other boys were giving each other evil looks.

"Yes, Headmaster," Lupin said with relief. "I mean, no, I'm not feeling well. Severus was taking me to the hospital wing."

Dumbledore smiled. "Thank you, Severus. I am aware of Remus's condition; a chronic illness, I'm afraid, but he should be feeling better in a day or two. Allow me to escort you to Madam Pomfrey, Remus. I was just heading that way myself." Snape reluctantly let go of Lupin. The Headmaster put an arm around Lupin's shoulders in a fatherly manner and added, "How fortunate you are to have friends who are so concerned about you."

Snape flushed and stared at his feet. "I just don't want to fail Incantations, that's all. Blackmore says she'll fail us if we don't work as a team." He looked up and scowled at Lupin. "So you'd better be well by the time our presentation is due, Lupin."

Sirius growled, but before he could say anything, the Headmaster said, "You boys had better hurry or you'll be late for class." His voice was still mild, but there was something in his eyes that said that was an order, not a suggestion, so all four boys reluctantly left, Sirius mumbling, "slimy git," under his breath.

"Thank you, Severus," Lupin called after Snape.

"Don't thank me; just hurry up and get well and get back to work!" Snape snarled, blushing again as he quickly stomped off.

"How nice to see that you and Mr. Snape are getting along so well," said Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eyes, and Lupin grinned, despite the pain.

***

Lupin showed up for class the next day, although he looked wan and gray, and had huge dark circles under his eyes. But he enjoyed the way Severus fussed over him, (complaining the whole time, of course). During the classes Gryffindor and Slytherin shared, Severus hovered over him so closely that James and Sirius became suspicious and nearly started a fight. They returned to the workroom during lunch, but Severus didn't really let him do any work, glowering at him if he attempted to exert himself in the slightest. Severus had even coaxed or bullied the house elves into bringing up a tray of food "for the invalid", as he put it. Lupin contentedly ate his lunch as he watched his partner work; there wasn't much left to do anyway, just a few finishing touches, so he didn't feel too guilty. He didn't mind listening to Severus's complaints and insults because there was no heat behind them, and the other boy kept casting worried glances his way whenever he thought Lupin wasn't watching. Those little glances made Lupin very happy for some reason he couldn't quite articulate.

The next day, Blackmore's class presented their projects, with varying degrees of success. James and his Ravenclaw partner summoned an earth elemental, who retrieved a "treasure chest" buried on the school grounds. Lupin remembered it well; the four of them had buried it as a lark during their first year at Hogwarts. They had intended to dig it up at the end of their seventh year, but agreed that James could unearth it early for his project. Despite the fact that it was winter and the ground was frozen solid, the elemental had no trouble retrieving the box. James opened it, revealing the "treasure" within: Famous Wizard cards, a few bronze and silver coins, marbles, interestingly shaped or colored rocks they had collected, and a bag of rock candy in jewel-bright colors, looking none the worse for wear despite having been buried for several years. The elemental showed an interest in the candy, and gladly accepted it from James, then vanished back into its focus object (a pot of dirt). The class applauded, except for the Slytherins, who sneered at the childish treasures.

Rosier and Donner were up next. Ariane was a beautiful girl with long, silvery-blonde hair that nicely set off her silvery-gray eyes. Her lovely features were marred only by the disdainful sneer on her face. The pair glared at each during the casting but successfully summoned an air elemental, which took the form of a miniature whirlwind. The air spirits were particularly mischievous, and this one hurled itself against the bonds of the protective circle, causing the runes inscribed on the floor to glow bright red. But the circle held, and the elemental subsided sulkily. Ariane ordered it, "Go to the Headmaster and tell him: 'Donner and Rosier of Professor Blackmore's class send their regards'; then bring back his reply." The creature vanished, then a minute later, a gentle breeze blew through the classroom, and the class heard Dumbledore say clearly, "I commend Professor Blackmore on her students' fine work. Ten points each to Ravenclaw and Slytherin!" Rosier and Donner beamed at each other, momentarily forgetting their hostility, and the class applauded again, although the Gryffindors did so halfheartedly.

Sirius and his partner, a pretty blonde girl named Alys, fared less well. Apparently they had spent more time flirting than studying, because they made a mistake in one of the runes of the protective circle, and the fire elemental they summoned broke free. Fortunately, it was a very small and weak elemental, little more than a spark and a puff of smoke. However it managed to set fire to the hems of their robes--as Sirius cursed and Alys shrieked hysterically--before Professor Blackmore could dispel the creature. Severus cast an extinguishing spell, and Blackmore commended him on his quick thinking, awarding five points to Slytherin. To add insult to injury, she made Sirius and Alys thank Severus. Alys did so graciously, but Sirius could barely choke out the words as Severus smirked smugly. Lupin covered his mouth with his hand to hide a smile. Sirius was one of Lupin's best friends, and he loved him dearly, but Sirius was in his own way nearly as arrogant as Snape. Privately, he didn't think it would hurt his friend to be taken down a peg or two.

Finally, it was their turn. Lupin filled the bowl with water and mixed in the powdered fish scales, seaweed, and pearls. He set it down in the middle of the floor, and Severus drew the protective circle around it with red chalk. Then, together they chanted the incantation to summon the elemental. The water swirled in the bowl violently, then a blob of water about a foot in diameter popped out of the bowl and hovered in the air for a moment as it re-formed itself into a vaguely man-like shape. Lupin said, "We would offer you this, in exchange for a boon," and reached into his pockets and pulled out the trinkets they had collected: brightly colored marbles and stones (Lupin's contribution, similar to the ones in the "treasure chest"), and a few gold Galleons and pieces of costume jewelry (Severus's contribution; he had gotten the jewelry from a Slytherin girl in return for helping her with her Potions homework). The water spirit eyed the trinkets greedily and nodded. "Then please bring us some bloodlace moss from the bottom of the lake beside this castle." The elemental dove back into the bowl, then reappeared a few minutes later with a handful of the delicate red, lacy moss. It was a difficult-to-obtain ingredient used in many potions. Severus took the moss with a covetous look in his eyes, and the elemental claimed its reward from Lupin.

***

They were the last team to do their presentation, so they lingered behind to clean up after the other students left. The Professor left also, telling them to close up after they were done. As they mopped up spilled water and cleaned chalk-marks off the floor, Lupin said a little wistfully, "Well, the project's over. I suppose you must be relieved."

"That's right," said Snape gruffly. "No more working with Gryffindors." Blackmore had given them top marks, yet he felt let down, disappointed somehow...

"Still," said Lupin with a smile, "it was kind of fun, wasn't it?"

"'Fun' is not quite the word I'd use," Snape said sarcastically. Then he added grudgingly, "But you did pull your own weight, I must admit." Lupin gave his usual irritating grin in response. But it made Snape's heart feel lighter, and he wondered exactly when Lupin's smile had started having that effect on him.

"...get together?" he heard Lupin say, breaking his reverie.

"Huh?"

"I said, would you like to get together later tonight? You know, to celebrate the end of our project. It's the last day of class before the holidays, and there's going to be a trip to Hogsmeade this afternoon. We could get some snacks, meet up later..."

Snape's heart positively leaped in response. Still, he feigned reluctance, saying, "Well, I don't know..."

"Come on, Severus," Lupin cajoled. "One last time. You'll never have to work with me again, after all."

"Unless Professor Blackmore decides this was such a great idea that she'd like to try it again," pointed out Snape, though the thought didn't distress him nearly as much as it should. It didn't seem to distress Lupin much, either.

"Please, Severus..." Lupin wheedled playfully.

Snape liked hearing Lupin beg, even in fun. He liked seeing Lupin's smile and the mischievous sparkle in his eyes. He liked that Lupin always called him "Severus" and never "Sev" (as Malfoy sometimes did in a patronizing manner) or "Sevie" (as Black did, solely to piss him off). {It's just this once, after all...} he rationalized to himself.

"Oh, what the hell," he said aloud. "Why not? But your Gryffindor friends won't like it."

"They don't have to know."

Snape grinned. "You're more devious than I thought, Lupin. You might've made a good Slytherin after all."

"Heaven forbid," Lupin laughed. "But where can we meet? The library will be locked, and it's too cold to meet in the forest...uh, which of course is forbidden..."

"Of course." Snape mentally filed away for future use the admission that Lupin and his little friends did indeed sneak off the school grounds. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out the workroom key, slowly twirling it between his fingers. A small smile played around the corners of his mouth and there was a wicked little gleam in his eyes as he said, "Oh my, look here...Professor Blackmore forgot to ask for the key back."

"And if she remembers to ask for it later?"

"I'll just tell her we need a little more time to clean the room up. No reason for her doubt us; we are her most responsible students, after all."

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

***

Afterword: The bulk of the story was planned out before I bought the Saliva album, but when I heard "Always" on the radio, I thought, "Wow, this fits the story almost perfectly!" I liked it so much that I went out and bought the CD, and a lot of the other songs fit the theme of the story, too, so it ended up becoming the soundtrack of the fic.

As with "True Confessions" and "Mirror, Mirror," it was written for the Yahoo Groups mailing list, so the formatting is a little odd--caps and {} (I don't know the proper term for these bracket thingies) were used in place of italics. I made a few minor corrections: in the original version I misspelled "Madam Pomfrey" as "Madame Pomfrey," and I had teenage Lupin going to the "infirmary" instead of the "hospital wing." (I was still new to HP fandom at the time, and didn't have all the little canon details memorized as I do now. Luckily Snupin fans are kind, and didn't hold the little mistakes against me. ^_^)