FIC: Always, Part 2 of 6

[geri_chan]

Title: Always, Part 2 of 6
Rating: NC-17 overall, but mostly PG-13
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Word count: ~9,060
Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling and lyrics belong to the band Saliva; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part. (All songs are from the album "Back into Your System.")
Warning: Very AU (was written pre-Book 5)--Snape is a pureblood; also, in my universe, Lupin's condition is a hereditary disease or curse. It seemed more logical than the huge coincidence of someone whose name means "wolf" being bitten by a werewolf. It doesn't really come up in this story except for a brief mention, but plays a more important role in the sequels to this story.
Summary: Still in flashback mode, Snape and Lupin’s romance develops over Christmas vacation.

Part 1

***

Lupin laughed happily with his friends as they walked along the streets of Hogsmeade. Everyone was in a good mood, since Christmas was just a few days away. The other boys bought big bagfuls of sweets at Honeydukes, and some magic tricks at Zonko's. Lupin didn't have much money of course, but at least he had a few coins to spend, thanks to the Headmaster. From time to time, Dumbledore would pay him to run errands or do odd jobs, like organizing some files in the Headmaster's office, or helping to care for some sick birds in the Owlery. Lupin suspected these tasks weren't as vital as Dumbledore claimed they were, but he was grateful for the Headmaster's kindness since it meant having spending money at Christmas time. Lupin bought some treats, including Chocolate Frogs, Pepper Imps, and Chocoballs, because he knew Severus liked them. Finally, they ended up at at the Three Broomsticks for some hot Butterbeer.

"I bet you're glad you don't have to work with that nasty Slytherin anymore!" said Peter.

"He's not so bad, really," Lupin said defensively.

"Oh, come on, Remus!" snorted Sirius. "I know you try to be nice to everyone, but even you would be hard-pressed to find something nice to say about Snape."

"He's really smart; we got the top grade in the class. And he did put out the fire on your robes..."

"Don't remind me!" groaned Sirius. "How humiliating! I can't believe Blackmore made me thank the greasy git!"

"He is not 'greasy'!"

The other boys stared at Lupin in shock. "Are you feeling all right, Moony?" asked James. "Snape didn't feed you some sort of brainwashing potion, did he?"

Lupin felt his cheeks burn, and he ducked his head as he took a sip of Butterbeer, letting his hair fall across his face to hide his blush. "He's not so bad," Lupin repeated weakly. "I mean, when we're alone, he doesn't act the way he does when the other Slytherins are around."

"How does he act, then?" James asked curiously.

"I dunno...normal, I guess. Nice, almost."

Unfortunately, Sirius had just taken a sip from his tankard as Lupin said that, and he choked, spraying the table and his friends with Butterbeer.

"Eewwww! Sirius, this is my good robe!" grumbled Peter, dabbing at his robe with a napkin.

Sirius was too busy coughing to reply, as James pounded his back. "Snape?" he said incredulously, when he was finally able to speak. "Normal? NICE!?"

Lupin wiped Butterbeer off his face with the sleeve of his robe. "I was really sick the day of the full moon," he said lowering his voice to a whisper so no one would overhear them. "I nearly collapsed. Well, I would have if Severus hadn't caught me. He really was helping me when we met you guys in the hall. He was worried about me."

"Worried about his grade, more like," scoffed Sirius.

"Well, never mind," said James hastily, attempting to forestall a quarrel between his friends. "If he helped you, for whatever reason, then I'm grateful, Remus." Lupin smiled and Sirius snorted, but remained silent. "Now, let's talk about more pleasant things!"

Lupin eagerly jumped at the chance to change the subject. "You mean, like your ski trip with Lily?" he asked slyly.

James blushed. His family was going on a ski trip for the holidays, and had invited his girlfriend Lily to come along. "You could still come with us, Remy. I feel bad that you're staying here over the holidays alone."

Traveling home for the holidays was an extra expense Lupin's family couldn't afford. He usually stayed at Hogwart's with at least one or two of his friends, and once they all were invited to spend Christmas with James's family. Lupin laughed, saying, "Don't be silly, James! Two's company; three's a crowd. Have fun; don't worry about me."

Sirius and Peter looked embarrassed. Their families had insisted they come home this Christmas, but wouldn't let them invite Lupin. Their parents were old blood--not as wealthy or snobbish as the Malfoys or the Snapes, but they still looked down upon a young wizard of no distinguished family, who wore faded and patched robes. Sirius's face turned red; his mother had once said within Lupin's hearing that she'd heard "that ragamuffin boy is Dumbledore's charity case". He looked miserably at Lupin, saying, "I'm really sorry, Remus. I would've invited you to come home with me, but--"

"It's all right, Sirius, really," said Lupin gently. "I'll be fine. There's no reason to look so glum. Two weeks at school with no homework--sounds like heaven to me!" The other boys chuckled a little at that, and Lupin smiled. "I won't be bored. The Headmaster and Hagrid will be there, after all, and the house elves always prepare a great feast for Christmas." Talk turned to lighter things after that, and they were able to laugh and joke like normal until it was time to return to Hogwarts.

***

After dinner, Lupin slipped away to meet Severus. The other boys asked where he was going, of course, but Lupin just winked and said he had a few Christmas preparations to make. So they let him go without an argument, assuming he was working on their Christmas presents. Actually, he already had their presents wrapped and hidden away. He didn't have a lot of money to spend on presents, so he had made small wooden carvings for them: a grinning dog for Sirius (painted black), a plump rat for Peter, and of course a stag for James. The last, with its pronged antlers, had been the hardest to make, taking many long hours during which he'd had to hide from his friends to keep it a surprise.

He felt a little guilty about lying to his friends, but their reaction at the Three Broomsticks had proven they wouldn't understand. But his guilt was soon forgotten as he hurried to the workroom, his heart pounding with excitement. He didn't know why there was a nervous, fluttery feeling in his stomach, or why he felt a surge of adrenaline like he did when James and the others talked him into joining them on one of their illicit adventures. He and Severus weren't doing anything wrong, after all. They weren't even breaking curfew--since there were no classes tomorrow, there was no set bedtime for the students. He and Severus were just having a friendly little get-together; nothing to feel nervous about. No big deal.

Lupin found Severus already waiting for him at the workroom. He was pacing back and forth anxiously, but when he saw Lupin, he broke out in a smile that lit up his face and transformed it from sullen and homely into something striking and...well...handsome. Lupin realized then that he had never seen Severus smile--really smile--before, open and unreserved, without hiding behind a mask of sarcasm or arrogance. He felt his own smile grow wider in response; he was touched by the trust Severus placed in him, for he suspected that the Slytherin boy had never opened up to anyone like this before. He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time but did neither, and just stood there grinning like an idiot.

***

Snape paced back and forth as he waited for Lupin, worried that the other boy wouldn't show up. Not that he cared if some silly Gryffindor twit snubbed him. But his imagination conjured up an image of Lupin telling Potter and the rest of his gang, "Can you believe Snape really thought I wanted to hang out with him? He's probably still there waiting!" Then no doubt Black would scoff at "that stupid Slytherin git," and they would all laugh at him. But just then the door swung open, and there was Lupin. His face was slightly flushed and he was out of breath, as if he'd been running. {Running?} wondered Snape. {Could he really be that eager just to see...me?} Snape smiled, out of sheer relief, and Lupin smiled warmly back at him. The warmth of that smile made him slightly dizzy; after all those years of watching hungrily from the sidelines, he had never expected to see that smile directed at him. {At me!} he exulted. {Not Potter, or Pettigrew, or Black, but ME!}

***

There was a slightly awkward moment as they stood there grinning at each other, then Lupin held out the bag of Honeyduke's candies, and Snape produced another bag filled with cookies and small cakes filched from the dinner table, and they sat in the middle of the room and shared out the sweets.

Lupin munched on a cake, festively frosted in Christmas colors of red and green, while Snape popped a Chocoball in his mouth and said, "Oh, I almost forgot!" He reached into his bag and pulled out two bottles, handing one to Lupin. It was still cold, with beads of moisture running down the sides of the bottle.

"What is it?" Lupin asked. "Butterbeer?"

"Something better," said Snape proudly. "My own invention."

Lupin unscrewed the cap and peered inside. "You're not trying to poison me, are you?"

"You don't have to drink it if you don't want to," Snape said huffily.

"Oh, don't be mad, Severus. I was only joking."

Snape scowled, but Lupin smiled at him so sweetly he couldn't stay angry. "Cheers, then," he said, holding up his own bottle.

"Cheers," said Lupin, clinking his bottle against Snape's. He took a sip; it was sweet and fizzy, not unlike ginger ale, but with a slightly tart tang to it. "It's good!" he said, sounding startled.

"You needn't sound so surprised."

"I'm not surprised. Well, maybe a just a little..." Lupin smiled mischievously, and Snape was too dazzled by his smile to be offended. "Anyway, it really is good, Severus. What's in it?"

"It's a secret recipe," said Snape in a lofty tone. "But perhaps if you're nice to me, I'll share it with you."

Lupin just laughed and took another sip, feeling slightly giddy. "Does this have any alcohol in it?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Er...no reason." The boys ate their sweets and idly talked about school and their classmates for awhile. Snape positively gloated about how Sirius's project had gone awry.

"Did you see his face when Blackmore made him thank me? I thought he was going to have a stroke!"

"Be nice, Severus," Lupin gently chided, then shivered, pulling his robe around himself more tightly. The classrooms weren't heated when school was not in session, and they hadn't wanted to attract attention by lighting a fire. It was quite cold, and Lupin's thin, nearly threadbare robes didn't do much to keep out the chill.

Snape frowned as he watched Lupin, feeling a little guilty; his robes, of course, were the best money could buy, made of plush black wool. Impulsively, he slipped his arms out of the sleeves of the voluminous garment and draped it over his shoulders like a cloak. Then he held open one end of the robe and said, "Come here." Lupin hesitated. "I don't bite," Snape said irritably. "Come on, unless you'd rather freeze."

Lupin slid over next to Snape and ducked under the robe. "Thanks, Severus," he said with a grateful smile.

Snape just grunted, shoving another piece of chocolate into his mouth so he would have an excuse not to reply. He didn't feel cold at all; in fact he felt flushed and overheated with Lupin pressed against his side. Under the pretext of wrapping the robe around Lupin more securely, he slipped his arm around the other boy. He waited for Lupin to push him away in disgust, but instead he sighed and snuggled closer, resting his head on Snape's shoulder. Snape froze for a moment, afraid to move, or even breathe, then lowered his own head slightly till he could feel Lupin's soft hair beneath his cheek. He gently pressed his lips against that silky-smooth hair, and when Lupin still didn't push him away, he grew bolder. He placed the fingertips of his free hand beneath Lupin's chin, tilted his face up, and kissed him on the mouth.

When he felt Severus's arm slip around him, Lupin felt warm in a way that had nothing to do with the robe they shared. He sighed contentedly, and without thinking, leaned against Severus, laying his head on the other boy's shoulder. He half expected Severus to push him away, but instead Snape (prickly, irritable Snape!) kissed him on the top of his head. He felt Severus's fingers gently tilt his head back, and he looked into his friend's black eyes for a moment, seeing no anger or arrogance, only tenderness mixed with a little awe, as if he could not quite believe that what he was seeing was real. As Lupin wondered what on earth about him could possibly make Severus look at him that way, the other boy kissed him full on the mouth. Lupin felt a brief moment of shock, then a sense of, well...rightness, was the word that came to mind, as if this was something that was supposed to happen; something as inevitable as night following day, or the sun coming out after the rain. Numerous snippets of memories (Snape following them around with hungry eyes, Snape's merciless taunting of Lupin, Snape's over-loud protests against working with a Gryffindor, Snape's concern when Lupin fell ill) suddenly fell into place like interlocking pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and made perfect sense as a whole. Lupin returned the kiss, a little awkwardly, but enthusiastically, tasting the sweetness of chocolate on the other boy's mouth and marveling at how soft Severus's lips were. He felt his partner's tongue hesitantly brush against his lips, and he moaned softly, involuntarily parting his lips and allowing Severus's tongue to slide between them, gently caressing and exploring inside his mouth. Lupin moaned again, the sound muffled by Severus's mouth over his; he'd had no idea kissing could feel so good. He had never kissed anyone before, and worried that he might not be doing it right, but Severus certainly didn't seem to mind. His black eyes were filled with an intensity and desire that frightened Lupin a little, but at the same time excited him. Their kisses grew less gentle and more urgent, and their hands began to caress each other, a little clumsy with inexperience, but neither boy cared...

***

"Don't go," Snape said, pulling Lupin back to him for one last kiss. Of course, he had already given Lupin a "last kiss" five kisses ago, but who was counting...?

Lupin laughed, a little breathlessly. Snape thought he looked beautiful, with his hair and robes disheveled, and his face flushed. "It's late, Severus. We have to get back or our housemates will be wondering where we are."

"Just a little longer," pleaded Snape, Slytherin pride forgotten for the moment. Lupin hesitated, and Snape used that moment of hesitation to steal another kiss.

"Mmm," murmured Lupin, seriously tempted to give in. Then he pulled away, straightening his robes and combing his hair with his fingers. "No, we really have to go now," he said firmly. "Sirius will blow a fuse if he finds out we've been together, and so will Malfoy."

"Screw Malfoy," Snape said recklessly.

"I'd rather you didn't," Lupin said pertly, expecting Severus to laugh. Instead, some odd emotion Lupin couldn't read flared briefly in his black eyes, and Lupin felt a stab of jealousy. Although Slytherins were almost universally despised by the other Houses, Lucius Malfoy was so handsome that many girls (and discreetly, a few boys) from all the Houses sighed over him. He'd heard rumors that Malfoy freely dispensed his favors among both sexes, but surely he and Severus had never... {Where did Severus learn to kiss?} a suspicious little voice in his head asked. Then Severus's arms closed around him, holding him tight, and he didn't care who Severus had been with in the past as long as he was with Lupin right now.

"But I won't see you again for two whole weeks," Snape protested, and Lupin felt his heart sink.

"Are you going home for Christmas, then?" Lupin asked. He had thought Severus usually spent the holidays at school, as he did.

"No, but aren't you going to stay with Potter again this year?" Snape said, unwittingly betraying just how closely he had monitored Lupin over the years.

"No, James is taking Lily home for Christmas. And Peter and Sirius's parents wanted them home for Christmas this year, so I'm the only one staying back this year."

A huge grin spread across Snape's face. {I'll have Lupin all to myself for the holidays!} he thought gleefully. "Well, in that case, I guess I can let you go," he said, giving Lupin one final last kiss.

***

When Snape got back to the Slytherin dormitory, the place was in an uproar. Malfoy and Rosier were shouting at each other in the common room, while the rest of the House watched with interest. "What the hell's going on?" he asked.

Crabbe stared at him blankly. "Where've you been, Snape? Lucius caught Evan going at it with Ariane Donner."

"The little hussy," sniffed Narcissa, a pretty blonde witch who was one of Snape's yearmates.

"Rosier?" Snape asked incredulously. "And Donner!?" He remembered how Rosier had called Donner a "snooty bitch". (Though to be fair, that description also fit at least half of the girls in Slytherin.) "I thought they hated each other!" {Then again, I thought I hated Lupin, too...}

"...the integrity of this House!" Malfoy was shouting.

"We were just having a little snog, for chrissake!" Rosier shouted back. "It's not like I'm going to marry her or anything! And anyway, it's none of your business!"

Rosier's friend Wilkes said in a placating tone, "At least she's a Ravenclaw; it's not like he was shagging a Gryffindor or something. And Ariane is pretty hot..." Of all the Houses, Slytherin tolerated Ravenclaw the most, since they both shared a passion for knowledge, although the Ravenclaws tended to be more scrupulous about how they acquired it.

Malfoy shot a glare at Wilkes. "You stay out of this!" he snarled, and went back to berating Rosier. Wilkes obeyed but looked a little puzzled, as if he couldn't understand why Malfoy was making such a big deal about it. After all, it wasn't as if Malfoy had never indulged across House lines himself.

Snape knew why; it was partly bad timing--Malfoy didn't want to encourage Blackmore's experiment in cooperation, but mostly it was because Rosier had defied him. Snape was a bit shocked himself; Rosier was one of Malfoy's most loyal followers, yet there he was arguing with Malfoy about a girl who wasn't even a Slytherin. And Rosier was a playboy, cutting a swathe through the girls in their House with his dark good looks; he used and discarded them without a second thought. If he was willing to take on Malfoy over Ariane, it was more than "a little snog" whether he realized it or not. Snape shrugged and went to his room, grateful that Rosier had unwittingly provided a distraction; no one cared now where Snape had been. He chuckled to himself, thinking, {Me and Lupin, Rosier and Donner...I don't think this is quite what Blackmore had in mind when she said she wanted to foster inter-House cooperation!}

***

Lupin exchanged presents with his friends the next morning, then went to see them off. They waved and shouted, "Goodbye! Merry Christmas!" as they boarded the carriages that would take them to the train station. As Lupin turned to walk back to the castle, he found Snape standing behind him. "Severus!" he exclaimed, startled but happy.

"Are all your little Gryffindor friends gone?" Snape asked.

Lupin nodded. "And Slytherin...?"

"All gone. I think there are a couple of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs left, but we pretty much have the school to ourselves." Snape and Lupin grinned at each other.

They headed back to the castle, kicking up little clouds of snow. Maybe it was just because he was in a good mood, but the school grounds looked like something out of a fairy tale to Lupin, all covered in a glittering layer of ice and snow. "Isn't it beautiful?" he asked, stopping to look around and admire the view.

"It's cold," Snape said pragmatically. "Come on, let's get back indoors where it's warm." He kept walking but when the other boy didn't follow, he looked back and saw Lupin bending down to scoop up some snow. "You had better not throw that thing at me," Snape warned. Lupin just grinned, mischief dancing in his blue eyes. "Lupin, don't you dare--!" His sentence was cut off as he got hit in the face by a snowball. Snape wiped snow off his face as Lupin broke out in laughter. Lupin looked beautiful, with his cheeks flushed from the cold and his eyes shining, but Snape resolved to show no mercy. He reached into his robes and pulled out his wand.

"Hey, no fair using magic!" protested Lupin.

Snape grinned wickedly. "Since when do Slytherins play fair?" He waved his wand and muttered a quick charm, and snow leaped off the ground and into the air, forming a snowball that was nearly as large as Lupin.

"Severus! That's cheating!"

The snowball fell with a loud "FWOOMP!" and Lupin disappeared under a mound of snow. Snape doubled over with laughter, but when Lupin didn't emerge after a minute, he got worried. "Lupin? Are you all right?" he asked, reaching down to dig Lupin out from under the snow. Just then, a hand shot out and grabbed him, pulling him face first into the snow. Lupin jumped up, covered with snow but laughing triumphantly.

Snape spluttered and wiped off his face again. "All right, Lupin, you asked for it! This means war!"

***

Dumbledore chuckled as he looked out of one of the upper-story windows of the castle. Professor McGonagall, who happened to be passing by, asked, "What's so funny, Albus?" He motioned for her to come over, and she did. Looking out the window, she saw two boys laughing and pelting each other with snowballs. It was not an uncommon sight this time of year, except--

"Is that Severus Snape?" exclaimed McGonagall. "Playing in the snow?! With REMUS LUPIN?!" She rubbed her eyes, certain she must be seeing things.

Dumbledore chuckled again. "No, Minerva, you are not seeing things. It seems Branwen's little experiment has worked better than expected!

***

Lupin and Snape enjoyed a pleasant day together; there was no need to hide their friendship since all the other Gryffindors and Slytherins had gone home for the holidays. The only other students left were twin sisters from Ravenclaw and a boy from Hufflepuff. The sisters were quiet and close-knit, and kept to themselves; the Hufflepuff boy was a seventh-year who was worried about passing his N.E.W.T.S., so he spent most of his free time studying. None of them took any notice whatsoever of Lupin and Snape.

After dinner, Lupin suggested they go up to Gryffindor Tower together.

"Is it really okay for me to go up there?" asked Snape dubiously.

"Why not? No one else is around to see. And besides..." Lupin blushed and looked down at his feet. "I thought maybe you'd, um, like to stay the night. No sense in each of us staying alone in an empty dormitory..."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" exclaimed Snape, when he got over his shock. Lupin laughed, and the two boys practically ran all the way to the Tower.

"Password?" asked the Fat Lady when the got there.

"Joyeux Noel," Lupin replied.

The Fat Lady gave Snape a closer look. "He's not a Gryffindor, is he?"

"No ma'am," Lupin answered politely. "But all my Gryffindor friends are gone for the holidays, and it's a bit lonely without them."

"Poor dear," said the Fat Lady sympathetically. "Well, I suppose it's all right, then." Her portrait swung open, allowing them to enter.

"Thank you, ma'am," said Lupin.

"Thank you, madam," said Snape giving the portrait a courtly bow.

"Such polite boys," she beamed. "Bring your friend by anytime, dear."

Much later, Snape lay in bed, staring at Lupin as he slept. Snape thought he looked positively angelic as he lay there with a gentle smile on his lips, his golden-brown hair curling softly around his face. Snape reached out and stroked Lupin's cheek, letting his hand trail down Lupin's neck, across his shoulder, and along his bare arm, reveling in the feel of the smooth, warm skin beneath his hand. Snape looked down at his hand, resting on Lupin's arm and noted the contrast between them; they were both fair-skinned, but Lupin's skin was pinkish-fair, while Snape's was deathly white with an unhealthy-looking sallow tinge. Lupin was so beautiful, surely he could have his pick of lovers; Snape wondered why on earth the Gryffindor boy had chosen him. Snape had never had a lover, or even a real friend before. He'd had a brief fling with Malfoy the previous year, but had quickly come to regret it...

***

Malfoy knew he was destined to someday marry a girl of his parents' choosing, one from a family of wealth and good breeding, but in the meantime he saw no reason why he should not enjoy himself. And enjoy himself he did, quite often, with members of both sexes. For some reason, that year he had set his sights on Snape. God only knew why; one of his odd whims, probably. Although Snape didn't really like Malfoy, he was flattered by the older boy's attention, not to mention a little afraid of what might happen if he turned him down. It was nothing serious, little more than a few heavy-petting sessions, but that had been enough for Snape to decide he didn't want Malfoy as a lover. Malfoy refused to concede control to anyone, even in bed, and took a sadistic pleasure in inflicting pain on his playmates. Snape had experienced more than his fill of control and pain in his parents' house; experiencing them in bed as well held little appeal for him. However, breaking things off was a delicate matter...

"Are you turning ME down, Snape?" Malfoy asked, eyes narrowing, a dangerous edge to his voice.

"There is something I value more than your body, Lucius, delightful though it is," Snape replied coolly.

"Oh? And what, pray tell, might that be?"

"Your respect." As Malfoy raised his eyebrows, Snape continued, "I have ambitions, Lucius, beyond being your plaything. I wish to advance my position in the wizarding world, and for that I need the respect of the Malfoy family. And I have noticed that you never sleep with anyone you truly respect." Actually, what he had really noticed was that Malfoy slept only with those weaker than himself; he never took into his bed anyone who had the potential to be his equal or better in power, magical or otherwise. But it would not be politic to imply that he might be stronger than Malfoy...

Malfoy laughed, "There is more to you than meets the eye, Sev!" He gave Snape a measuring look, as if seeing him for the first time. "You may be right; your talents lie someplace other than the bedchamber, I think. I will be keeping an eye on you, Severus..."

And as easily as that, Malfoy let him go. There were no further consequences, and Malfoy regarded him with a new degree of respect. For once, Snape was grateful for his mother's endless lessons in etiquette; it was she who had taught him to turn an insult into a compliment.

***

Snape's mind drifted back to the present. Lupin and Malfoy were as different as day and night. Where Malfoy was cold and calculating, Lupin was gentle and giving. Where Malfoy was skilled in the arts of passion, but cruel and domineering, Lupin was inexperienced, but touchingly eager to please, and willing to follow Snape's lead. In sleep, Lupin looked lovely but somehow fragile, and Snape worried about what might happen if Malfoy ever found out about the two of them. Snape could take care of himself, but Lupin was sickly, and a little too gentle and trusting for his own good. Malfoy was a sadistic but subtle bastard, the type who might decide to punish Snape by hurting his lover--and he would definitely consider a Slytherin taking a Gryffindor lover something worth punishing. {Then Malfoy will never find out about us,} Snape silently resolved. He tenderly kissed the sleeping Lupin on the forehead, whispering, "Don't worry, Remus. I will always protect you."

***

When Lupin woke up the next morning, Snape was gone. Puzzled and a little hurt, he got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. Dumbledore was the only one in the Great Hall that early, but the house elves had laid out a buffet table filled with bread, fruit, pastries, and other simple foodstuffs that the staff and students could help themselves to throughout the morning.

"Good morning, Remus," Dumbledore said with a smile.

"Good morning, Headmaster," Lupin replied, spreading some strawberry jam on a piece of bread. "Er...have you seen Severus this morning?"

"Yes, Hagrid went to Hogsmeade to pick up a few items for the Christmas feast tomorrow, and Mr. Snape asked if he could go along."

"Oh," said Lupin, taking a bite of his bread although he no longer felt hungry. He wondered why Severus hadn't asked him if he wanted to go too; they could have had fun together in Hogsmeade...

Dumbledore saw the gloomy expression on Lupin's face and said with a wink, "I believe he had some last-minute Christmas shopping he wanted to take care of..."

"Oh!" exclaimed Lupin. {Could Severus have gone out to buy me a present?} he wondered. Then he realized, {Oh no! It's Christmas Eve and I don't have anything for him!} "Excuse me, Headmaster, I just remembered something I have to do!"

"At least take some food with you, Remus," Dumbledore said as Lupin jumped to his feet and was about to bolt from the table. "We can't have our students going undernourished, now can we?" Lupin grabbed his half-eaten bread and an apple and ran back to his dorm room as the Headmaster chuckled to himself.

***

Lupin opened the trunk at the foot of his bed, and began sorting through the scraps of wood he had set aside for carving. He didn't have time to do anything complicated, but he wanted the gift to be something special...then he came across a round, flat piece of wood and had an idea. He smiled, took out his pen knife, and began carving.

***

Lupin spent most of the day working on the carving, and Snape left him alone. Perhaps he suspected Lupin was working on his Christmas present, or maybe he had preparations of his own to make. Lupin had the present finished and wrapped by dinnertime. After dinner, they headed back to Gryffindor Tower together, and Snape burst out laughing when he saw Lupin's room: it was festooned with numerous sprigs of mistletoe.

"Silly git," Snape laughed, pulling Lupin close for a kiss. "I don't need an excuse to kiss you!"

"I figured it couldn't hurt," Lupin replied, leaning into the embrace. He had never seen Severus look this happy and relaxed before. He knew better than to think this unguarded mood would continue after the other students returned, so he resolved to enjoy every moment of their Christmas vacation.

***

The next morning, Lupin insisted that they open their presents together. Snape wasn't particularly enthusiastic about opening his--they were the same things he got every year: a new set of robes and a pouch of gold coins from his parents, and the usual obligatory gifts (mainly sweets) from classmates who owed him favors or wanted to suck up to him. But he enjoyed watching the pleasure on Lupin's face as he opened his gifts: a sweater and homemade cookies from his parents, a book on Quidditch from Potter, a deck of Exploding Snap cards and a small protective amulet from Black ("To protect you from that sneaky Slytherin snake" the enclosed note read). Lupin hastily crumpled up the note; Snape saw it but just grinned, taking great pleasure in knowing how outraged Black would be if he could see Snape lounging in the Gryffindor dorm with his best friend. Lupin smiled, relieved that Snape wasn't angry, as he unwrapped his next gift, a tin of cookies from Hagrid.

"At least, I think they're cookies," said Lupin, tentatively hefting one of them. "They feel more like rocks. Oh well, I can always feed them to Killer."

Snape snorted. "You'll probably poison the poor dog."

Lupin shrugged. "He's survived Hagrid's cooking so far." He unwrapped his last present, which turned out to be a box of Ice Mice from Pettigrew, and burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Er...it's sort of an inside joke," said Lupin evasively. "Have one?"

Snape gave him a suspicious look, but decided not to pursue the matter, it being Christmas and all. {I must be going soft,} he grumbled to himself. Snape took one of the candies, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a small package and thrust it at Lupin, saying gruffly, "Here."

"Why, thank you, Severus," Lupin said with a smile, and opened the present. It was a circular piece of clear, polished quartz enclosed within a band of gold and strung on a thin, gold chain. There was an odd-looking glyph etched into the center of the crystal. Lupin held it up by the chain, letting it slowly spin around and catch the light. "Severus, it's beautiful!" he exclaimed.

{He likes it,} Snape thought with a sigh of relief. "Quartz is supposed to amplify magical energy," he said, "and the rune is for good luck."

"It's the best present I've ever gotten," declared Lupin, giving him a hug and a kiss. Snape felt quite smug, knowing that Lupin liked his present best, better than the presents he got from Potter and the others.

"I have something for you, too," Lupin said hesitantly. "But it's not nearly as nice as yours..." Lupin's voice trailed off. He felt embarrassed now; maybe Severus wouldn't like his crude, homemade present...

"You got a present for me?" Snape asked, sounding so pleased that Lupin smiled despite himself.

"It's not much, but...Merry Christmas, Severus." Lupin handed Snape the present and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Snape eagerly tore off the wrapping, revealing a flat, wooden disc strung like a pendant on a piece of black cord. The disc was carved with the symbol of Slytherin House: a serpent rampant. The workmanship was incredible--each tiny scale had been etched in intricate detail. "You made this?" he asked in awe.

"Yes, my father taught me to carve and whittle." He motioned to a chess set laid out on a nearby table. "Dad and I carved those; his are much better than mine, though."

Snape looked at the little chessmen and horses; he couldn't see any differences between the pieces--they all looked like they could spring to life at any moment. "Amazing," he said.

"You like your present, then?" Lupin asked anxiously.

"I love it," Snape replied, feeling tears sting his eyes; no one had ever made something special just for him. He blinked hard to keep them from falling.

"Merry Christmas, Severus."

"Merry Christmas, Remus."

***

Everyone had a wonderful time at dinner that day; despite the fact that only a few students and teachers had remained at school, the house elves laid out a splendid feast. And of course there were the traditional wizard crackers; Lupin made Snape wear the top hat that emerged from the cracker they pulled. Snape complained vociferously, of course, but Lupin could tell that he was secretly enjoying himself. Even Professor Blackmore got into the holiday spirit, putting a miniature party hat on Bane's head. The raven gave her a look of disgusted disbelief, but the two Ravenclaw girls made much of him, petting the bird and telling him how handsome he looked. Then Bane settled down, puffing out his chest feathers with pride, and deigned to accept the girls' praise and the tidbits they fed him, while Blackmore looked on in amusement. However, when Hagrid, emboldened by several cups of wine, began making overtures towards the pretty Incantations teacher, Bane immediately went into protective mode and gave Hagrid's hand a sharp peck. Hagrid gave the bird a dirty look as Madam Pomfrey led him off to the hospital wing and everyone else at the table tried to stifle their laughter.

***

The rest of the holidays passed quickly. The two boys spent every waking moment together, and most of their sleeping moments as well; Snape had all but moved into the Gryffindor dorm room. One night, they lay in each other's arms, tired but not willing to give in to sleep yet; they wanted to savor every moment they had left together since the holidays were almost over. Snape stroked Lupin's long brown hair, whispering, "You're so beautiful, Remus."

"So are you, Severus," Lupin whispered back.

Snape scowled. "No need to flatter me, Lupin," he said sharply.

Lupin blinked, looking hurt. "Why are you angry?" he asked.

"I don't like being lied to, even if you're trying to be nice."

"Why do you think I'm lying?" Lupin asked, sounding sincerely puzzled.

"Greasy hair, for one thing," Snape said, still scowling.

"Shiny," corrected Lupin with a smile, running his hands through Snape's hair with obvious pleasure. "And black as a raven's wing."

"Beaky nose," continued Snape, still scowling, but beginning to look a little unsure of himself.

"Distinguished," Lupin replied, kissing the tip of his nose. "Hawklike."

Snape blushed. "Corpse-white skin," he said, not sure whether Lupin was making fun of him or not.

"Alabaster," Lupin said, kissing his chest. "White as snow."

"If snow were jaundiced," muttered Snape. "Though you certainly are poetic, I'll give you that." He no longer looked angry; rather, he had the wary look of a dog who hopes to be petted but expects to be kicked.

Lupin cradled Snape's face between his hands and looked directly into his eyes. "Severus," he said, his voice serious now, "I love the way you look, though I prefer your smile to your frown. I love your passion for knowledge. I love your Slytherin wit, even when it's directed against me. I love everything about you. I love YOU, Severus."

Snape's eyes went wide with shock, and he sat up with a jerk, pulling out of Lupin's grasp.

Lupin looked at him with concern, hesitantly reaching out to lay a hand on Snape's shoulder. "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, Severus. I know this all has happened so fast, but I--"

"It's not that," Snape interrupted. "It's just..." He paused, blinking back tears. "It's just that no one's ever said that to me before."

"Oh, Severus..." Lupin whispered. The sneer, the scowl, the Slytherin arrogance had completely vanished from Snape's face. For once his face was completely open, looking as young and vulnerable as a child's. It made Lupin feel infinitely tender and sad at the same time; what kind of childhood had Severus had, to put such pain in his eyes, to make him regard the words "I love you" with such disbelief? "Not even your family?" he asked softly.

"No," Snape said in a barely audible voice. "No one."

"I love you, Severus," said Lupin, gently stroking Snape's cheek. When Snape still looked doubtful, he said, "I will always love you," trying to put all his love and sincerity into those words.

Snape pulled Lupin to him and held him so tightly that he knew he must be hurting the other boy, but he couldn't help himself. Lupin didn't object; he simply returned the embrace. Snape buried his face in Lupin's soft hair, saying "Remus, I--" He wanted to say, "I love you, too," but choked on the words, unable to get them out of his mouth no matter how hard he tried.

Lupin seemed to understand, though. "It's all right, Severus," he whispered soothingly, stroking Snape's back as if he were comforting a distraught child. "You don't have to say the words until you're ready." Snape trembled in Lupin's arms, not understanding the wave of desperation that threatened to overwhelm him. Lupin continued to hold him, whispering gentle endearments, rocking him back and forth until finally he fell asleep.

***

[I hear a voice say
"Don't be so blind"
It's telling me all these things that you would probably hide
Am I your one and only desire?
Am I the reason you breathe?
Or am I the reason you cry?
Always...always...always...always...always...always
--"Always" by Saliva]

Those two weeks were the happiest of Snape's life. In hindsight, if he had known how brief that happiness would be, he would have cherished it more at the time...

It became much more difficult for them to spend time alone together when school started again. Their project was over, so they had no excuse to see each other outside of class. They had only brief stolen moments of furtive kisses and caresses in the library stacks or in empty classrooms, with the constant risk of being discovered by a teacher, or worse, one of their housemates. Malfoy watched everything that went on in Slytherin House with a close eye, although at present he was somewhat distracted by Evan Rosier, whom he suspected of secretly carrying on with Ariane Donner. Lupin's friends, though, were beginning to become a little suspicious of his frequent absences.

After a week or two, Lupin got sick again and was absent from class for a couple of days. And Snape began to wonder once more, what exactly was Lupin's mysterious illness? And if he was sick, why wasn't he in the hospital wing when Snape contrived an excuse ("accidentally" cutting himself while chopping ingredients in Potions class) to go there? He was unable to talk to Lupin about it when he returned to class because Potter, Pettigrew, and Black formed a protective circle around their friend every time Snape tried to get near him. Lupin just gave him an apologetic smile and a helpless shrug, as if to say, "What can I do?"

They got some relief when Dumbledore assigned them to a project of his own "since you two worked so well together before". He claimed he had a storeroom full of old books that needed cataloging and sorting, and assigned the task to Lupin and Snape. That gave them the opportunity to spend an hour or two alone together almost every day, although they still couldn't do anything more than steal a few kisses because the Headmaster would often pop in unannounced to see "how things are coming along". Though suspiciously, he would make a great deal of noise before entering the room, as if to warn them he was coming.

{Surely he doesn't suspect...} Snape wondered, then dismissed the idea as ridiculous. The Headmaster would hardly be helping two teenage boys carry on an illicit affair! No doubt he simply wanted to continue fostering "inter-House cooperation". Whatever Dumbledore's reasons were, the two boys enjoyed the chance to share each other's company. Although he certainly missed the nights he spent in Lupin's bed, Snape was happy just to be near his...lover? Friend? He wasn't quite sure which Lupin was; both, perhaps. He had never before had anyone he could trust or confide in, and it still seemed like a miracle to Snape that Lupin cared about him.

***

Of course, neither the Gryffindors nor the Slytherins were happy about the arrangement. Potter and his gang loudly bemoaned the fact that their friend was being "forced to work with that slimy Slytherin," and Malfoy reproached Snape for doing too well on Blackmore's project.

"It might have been better if you had not done so well," Malfoy lectured. "If you had deliberately messed up the project and proven to Blackmore that her experiment was a failure--"

"Then she would have flunked me, and my father would have killed me," whined Snape. "Do you think I'm happy about working with that shabby little wizard?" Malfoy gave him a suspicious look that said he was indeed wondering if that were true. With long practice, Snape kept the scowl on his face and hid his fear, continuing in that same whiny tone, "That rotten little git is probably laughing at me behind my back! He plays the teacher's pet, acting so sweet and innocent and cooperative--'Oh, of course I'll work with the Slytherin, Headmaster'--but all the while he and Potter and Black and that little toad Pettigrew are conspiring to get me in trouble! I know it was Black who sneaked the porcupine quills into my cauldron during Potions class and caused it to melt! And during the last Quidditch match Potter deliberately knocked me off my broom, though of course he said it was an accident. Accident--hah! I could've been killed--"

Snape continued ranting on in this vein for about five minutes until Malfoy's eyes glazed over and he said impatiently, "Oh, shut up, Snape! It's your own fault, so quit whining! You've made your bed, now lie in it." Malfoy's words brought to mind an image of him lying in bed with Lupin, and Snape hastily fled the room before he burst out laughing.

***

Snape and Lupin even began having very public arguments to keep people from suspecting the truth. It became a kind of game for them. Snape jostled Lupin in the hallway one morning between classes, causing him to drop his books. "Watch where you're going, you clumsy git," snarled Snape.

"You did that on purpose!" Lupin said accusingly.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Lily Evans gave Lupin a surprised look. "I thought you and Snape had gotten to be, well, kind of...sort of...friendly?"

"Who'd want to be friends with a Slytherin?" Lupin said, with exaggerated volume and scorn. It took every ounce of willpower he had to keep from bursting into laughter.

{Don't overdo it,} Snape said silently, giving Lupin a warning glance. Aloud he retorted, "Who'd want to be friends with a self-righteous Gryffindor prig?"

"Enough!" said Professor Blackmore, opening her office door and leaning out into the hall. "Move along before you all get detention!"

The students hastily continued walking down the corridor, Pettigrew clapping Lupin on the shoulder, delighted that he had finally seen Snape for the snake that he was. Potter had a slightly bemused look on his face, and Black...Black lingered behind, giving Lupin a long, suspicious look before hastening to catch up with his friends.

"Oh my," Professor Flitwick said nervously as he watched the students leave. He had been having a cup of tea with Blackmore when the commotion started. "Perhaps we should tell Albus he ought to separate those two before they hurt each other."

Blackmore snorted in a very unladylike manner. "Oh, I hardly think that will be necessary," she said dryly.

***

As Lupin and Snape sorted through the hodgepodge of books--everything from fairy tales to Muggle novels to textbooks on magic--they lamented the need to hide their relationship and made fanciful plans for the future.

"I wish I could tell James and Sirius and Peter about us," Lupin said mournfully as he packed several fat, leather-bound tomes ("The Complete Works of Shakespeare") into a box and logged the titles into his notebook.

Snape picked up a grimy-looking book and blew on the cover, raising a cloud of dust. He coughed and said, "You'd be ostracized by your House."

"But if they got to know you like I do--"

"I don't wish to know any of them the way I 'know' you," said Snape, leering at Lupin.

"You know what I mean!" laughed Lupin.

"I hate to disillusion you, Lupin, but I don't like your friends any more than they like me. You're the only Gryffindor I've met who's not a sanctimonious prig." Lupin sighed unhappily, and Snape felt a bit guilty. "They just wouldn't understand, Remus. If they didn't turn against you, they'd probably try to kill me to protect your virtue."

"Too late for that," said Lupin, snuggling close and giving him a kiss.

Snape smirked and kissed him back. When they came up for air, he added, "And if your friends didn't kill me, Malfoy would."

Lupin sighed again.

"It's just until we graduate," Snape said. "Once we're adults we can do what we please and to hell with the rest of them."

"What about your family?" Lupin asked. "Won't they object to you taking a Gryffindor, and a poverty-struck one at that, as a lover?"

"Oh, they'll probably disown me," Snape replied airily. "Not just because you're a Gryffindor, but because you're male, and I'm supposed to marry whatever cold-blooded bitch they pick out for me and make more little Snapes to carry on the family name. But I don't care. The Potions Master says I'm the most talented student he's had in decades. I can easily get a job as an apothecary; we could even open our own potions shop: 'Lupin and Snape'." He frowned. "Or maybe, 'Snape and Lupin'."

Lupin laughed. "I have no talent for potion-making, Severus."

"Well, you could sell charms or counter-curses, then," Snape said, undaunted.

Lupin smiled and said, "Will we have a little cottage with a picket fence and a dog?"

"Well, I was thinking more like an apartment over the shop. But we could get a dog if you want one, I suppose." Snape frowned again and added, "But NOT one of Hagrid's!"

"But it would make such a good watchdog..."

***

Things went well until Lupin started looking ill again a few weeks later. He told Snape, "I won't see you tomorrow, Severus. I'm, um, going out of town for a few days."

"What for?" Snape asked, more sharply than he'd intended. "Your mysterious illness?"

Lupin nodded, looking miserable. "Yes, I'm...getting treatment for my illness."

"Oh?" Snape asked in an icy tone. "And where are you going? What doctor are you seeing? And just what do you have, anyway?" Lupin remained silent. "Damn you, Lupin! You said you loved me!"

"I do, Severus!"

"Then why won't you trust me?!" Snape shouted.

"I do, Severus," Lupin said, tears welling in his eyes. "But...I'm supposed to keep my illness confidential. I promised Dumbledore."

"What on earth do you have?" exclaimed Snape. Then his eyes narrowed, and his voice went soft, but with an undertone of menace. "Potter and the others know...don't they? You won't tell me, but you told them."

"I didn't tell them, Severus," Lupin said hoarsely. "They found out on their own."

"But they know. Am I less trustworthy than them?"

"No, Severus," Lupin whispered.

"Then tell me!" roared Snape. Lupin began to look frightened, and Snape hated himself for putting that look on Lupin's face, and hated Lupin for being afraid of him.

"Give me more time, Severus," Lupin begged. "I'll tell you, Severus, I swear, but I need more time. Severus, please..."

His blue eyes looked so anguished that Snape reluctantly gave in. "All right, but I won't wait forever."

Lupin took a deep breath. "When I return from my...trip...I'll tell you. I promise." He flung himself into Snape's arms, and Snape returned the embrace, but something inside him was already beginning to pull away from Lupin in distrust.

***

Lupin was close to tears as he left the storeroom and headed back to his dorm. He was so scared; scared he'd lose Severus if he told him the truth, and scared he'd lose him if he didn't. He had been so caught up in the joy and heady thrill of first love that he had almost forgotten he was a werewolf, as ludicrous as that sounded. He had been a fool to think he could put off this day; it was clear he had to tell Severus the truth. {But what if he hates me? What if he thinks I'm a monster?} a terrified little voice inside him whimpered. {He won't think that,} Lupin tried to reassure himself. {He knows more about dark magic than anyone I know. He of all people should know that a werewolf is simply a normal human being under a curse. As long as I am confined during the full moon, there is no danger. Someday there might even be a cure, or at least a way to control it...} James and the others had proven that; when his Animagus friends were with him, he was able to hold on to a semblance of sanity. They couldn't tell anyone about it now, but maybe someday, when they were full-fledged wizards, they would be able to come forward and find a way to help others like Lupin. But in the meantime, he had to figure out a way to break the news to Severus. {I can't just say, "Oh, by the way, Sev, did you know I'm a werewolf?"} Then a thought occurred to him: {The Headmaster! Maybe he can help me! He knows about us, I'm sure of it.} Why else would he have arranged for Lupin and Snape to spend time alone together, checking up on them frequently enough to act as a chaperone, but always giving them time to compose themselves before he entered the room? {He approves of us being together; I'm sure he'll help us,} Lupin thought with relief. {If I explain that Severus already suspects, I'm sure he'll let me tell him the truth. And he can help me break it to Severus gently...} Severus respected Dumbledore as he respected no one else, and if the Headmaster calmly explained things to him, everything would be all right. Lupin sighed, the tension seeping out of his body. {Yes, I'll talk to the Headmaster after the full moon, and he'll help me set things right...}

Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

***

Afterword: My icon comes from the awesome artwork that karasu_hime made for me for the Trading Places challenge. It comes from the second piece of artwork, which illustrates various scenes from the Always series. I made my icon from the illustration in the upper left corner, which shows Lupin and Snape's Christmas gift exchange, and I really adore it! Right next to it is the scene in the rain after the impromptu Quidditch match in Part 1, with young-Lupin trying to help Snape up after he fell. (The other illustrations are from later stories in the series.) Karasu is one of my favorite artists, and I just love how she brought these characters and scenes to life! ^_^

The AU-ness really shows up in this chapter, since I had James and Lily already dating at this point, when in canon she still considered him a "toerag." The story was written before Book 5 came out, and looking back, it's interesting to see how my assumptions and expectations of what would happen in future books turned out to be totally different from what JKR ended up writing. Aside from James turning out to be a bigger jerk than I had thought he was, it was logical to assume at the time that Snape was a pureblood, since he belonged to Death Eaters. I still have a fondness for those old Snape Manor type stories! My OC version of Snape's mother, Lady Selima (who first appears in the later fic "Phoenix Rising"), probably would never have come into existence if I had started writing fanfic after the HP series was completed. I was listening to an old HP Prognostications podcast, and they were talking about how the long gaps between books inspired creativity among the fans, and I think that's very true. Not that I really expected canon to turn out the way it did in my fics (especially not the slashy parts), but speculating on what might happen, or what I would want to happen in my ideal universe, was fun and fueled plenty of fodder for the plotbunnies.