FIC: Always, Part 3 of 6

[geri_chan]

Title: Always, Part 3 of 6
Rating: NC-17 overall, but mostly PG-13
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Word count: ~9,480
Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling and lyrics belong to the band Saliva; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part. (All songs are from the album "Back into Your System.")
Warning: Very AU (was written pre-Book 5)--Snape is a pureblood; also, in my universe, Lupin's condition is a hereditary disease or curse. It seemed more logical than the huge coincidence of someone whose name means "wolf" being bitten by a werewolf. It doesn't really come up in this story except for a brief mention, but plays a more important role in the sequels to this story.
Summary: The Shrieking Shack incident shatters Snape and Lupin's fragile relationship. Snape joins the Death Eaters in revenge, but quickly comes to regret it.

Part 1, Part 2

***

A couple of nights later, Snape prowled the halls of Hogwarts restlessly. Although he and Lupin had made up, a feeling of uncertainty gnawed away at his happiness. A cynical little voice in his head kept saying, {What is he hiding from you? How can you trust a Gryffindor? He's still friends with your enemies, after all. How could someone as wonderful as Lupin ever love someone like you?} That last question bothered him the most. Snape had many faults but vanity was not one of them; he was painfully aware that he was homely and ill-tempered. He really didn't understand why Lupin put up with him at all. Maybe that was why he still hated Lupin's friendship with the three Gryffindor boys. Snape supposed it was irrational and selfish of him to want Lupin to break off with Potter, Black, and Pettigrew, but he wanted Lupin all to himself; he didn't want Lupin to love anyone but him, not even as a friend.

He didn't realize his meanderings had taken him in the direction of Gryffindor Tower until he literally ran into Sirius Black.

"Oof!"

"Sorry," Snape started to say, then saw it was Black he had bumped into, and changed his apology to a snarl of, "Watch where you're going, Black!"

"Why don't you watch where YOU'RE going, Sevie?" Black sneered. "Why are you snooping around Gryffindor Tower, anyway?"

Snape looked around, startled, as he realized where he was. But he quickly composed himself and said, "None of your business. And if you call me 'Sevie' one more time I'll blast you through that wall!" He reached for his wand as if to make good on his threat, but Black just leaned against said wall and smiled.

"Ah, but if you do that, you'll never find out where Remus is," Black purred. Snape froze, and Black smirked to himself as he saw his remark had hit home.

"I--I don't know what you mean," stammered Snape.

"Oh, I think you do...Sevie. Why else are you here, if you're not looking for Remus?"

"Why would I be looking for him here?" Snape blustered. "He's gone out of town."

"Is that what he told you? Shows how much you know," Black said in such a snide tone of superiority that Snape just barely restrained himself from punching Black in the face. "Shows how much he trusts you," Black added, smirking again as he saw Snape flinch.

"And I suppose you know?" growled Snape, clenching his fists.

"Of course. If you want to know his secret, go to the Whomping Willow and prod the knot on the trunk with a long stick. A tunnel will open up; you'll find lover boy at the end of it." Snape flinched again, and Black's eyes narrowed as his suspicions were confirmed.

"You're delusional, Black!" shouted Snape, his face turning red. "And why should I trust you, anyway? You've probably set up an ambush for me!"

"Am I?" asked Black softly. "Do you think I haven't noticed the way you've been sniffing around Remy? Do you think I haven't noticed the way he looks at you? Remus is too soft, too trusting, too easily misled...he wants to see the good in everyone, even a slimy git like you. He's my best friend, my blood brother, and I won't let him be hurt by the likes of you."

"So you admit it's a trap!"

Black shrugged. "No, I just want you to see each other for what you really are. He's not what you think he is, and you're definitely not what he thinks you are."

"You're talking in riddles, Black!"

"Go or don't go, I don't care," Black said, sauntering off casually. Then he paused and looked over his shoulder, adding, "But if you don't go, you'll never know the truth, will you?"

As Snape turned and ran, he could hear Black's mocking laughter echoing behind him.

***

A little later, James and Peter came to meet Sirius, as they usually did on the nights Remus transformed. James let his invisibility cloak slide off his head and rest on his shoulders as he asked, "What are you snickering about?"

"Snape," said Sirius, still chortling to himself. "Boy, will he get a surprise when he gets past the Whomping Willow! I'll bet he never bothers us again!"

"What?" exclaimed James. "What did you tell him, Sirius?!"

"I told him how to get past the Whomping Willow and find Moony," said Sirius defiantly, his dark eyes glittering strangely.

"Why on earth would you do that?!" James shouted.

"To scare Snape away from Moony; even Snape will be too scared to tangle with a werewolf. And to show Moony what Snape is really like; Snape would never accept him the way we do. Better for him to see Snape's true colors now than get hurt later--"

"You fool!" screamed James. "You'll get them both killed!" When Sirius just stared at him uncomprehendingly, James said, "Remus can't control himself when we're not around--he could kill Snape! And if he kills someone, the Ministry of Magic will probably execute him!"

Sirius turned pale. "No! They wouldn't--"

James didn't have time to stand around and argue. "Get Dumbledore, now!" he ordered Peter, who was standing there with his mouth hanging open. Without waiting to see if Peter obeyed, James ran as fast as he could towards the Shrieking Shack.

***

[I see the blood all over your hands
Does it make you feel more like a man?
Was it all just a part of your plan?
--"Always" by Saliva]

When the tunnel ended, Snape found himself in a small room. Lupin lay huddled on the floor, surrounded by broken furniture--the place looked like a cyclone had hit it. "Remus?" Snape asked softly. "Are you all right?"

Lupin looked up with a start. In his eyes, Snape saw guilt, fear, and horror all jumbled together. "How did you get here?!" Lupin demanded.

"So nice to see you too, Lupin," Snape said sarcastically. "Black told me how to find you."

"Sirius did?!" Lupin cried out, a look of disbelief and betrayal in his eyes. Snape felt a surge of dark satisfaction; Black's little plan had backfired...Lupin would turn against his faithless friend--maybe the others as well, if Snape could convince him that they were all involved (and for all Snape knew, they were). Then Lupin would finally, completely, be his...

"Get out!" screamed Lupin.

"What?" asked Snape, startled and hurt.

"Get out now, Severus!" Lupin shrieked. "Hurry, before it's too late!" Then he fell to the floor, writhing in pain.

"Remus!" Snape bent down to try and help his lover, but Lupin shoved him away so hard he was flung painfully back against the wall. {How can Lupin be so strong when he's too weak to stand?!} He stared down at Lupin, finally realizing that something was very, very wrong...

"Get out!" repeated Lupin, his hysterical scream turning into a low growl. Snape watched in horrified fascination as Lupin's body twisted and reformed itself: fur sprouted on his skin, his hands curled into clawed paws, his face lengthened into a muzzle...and suddenly a large wolf stood before him. A large wolf with light brown fur and blue eyes...blue eyes which were rapidly losing their humanity.

"Oh God," whispered Snape, slowly backing away. The wolf pounced and landed on his chest, knocking him to the floor. He managed to grab the beast's head, struggling to keep those jaws away from him as razor sharp teeth snapped shut a mere inch above his face. He felt something hot and wet trickle down his cheek and realized it was the wolf's saliva dripping from its slavering jaws. He dug his fingers into the thick fur and his arms trembled with the strain of holding the werewolf back; the beast was too strong, he wouldn't be able to keep this up much longer... "Please, Remy, please," he whimpered.

For just a moment, a flicker of sanity returned to those blue eyes, and the wolf hesitated. Just then, someone shouted, "Expelliarmus!" and the wolf was flung back, crashing into a broken table. Then James Potter was pulling him to his feet and dragging him back into the tunnel.

***

A subdued-looking Pettigrew and Black were waiting for them at the end of the tunnel, along with Dumbledore. Snape had been in a daze as Potter dragged him to safety, but now reality was beginning to sink in, and he began to shake uncontrollably. Dumbledore wrapped a thick, warm cloak around him and put an arm around his shoulders as he said gently, "Come to my office and I will explain everything, Severus."

When Dumbledore finished talking, Snape began to tremble again, this time in anger instead of shock. The cynical voice in his head said triumphantly, {I told you not to trust him! I told you he lied to you! He never loved you at all; it was just a trick...} while another part of him wailed in despair. His black eyes filled with hate, he glanced wildly about the room and shouted, "You played me for a fool--all of you!"

Dumbledore said calmly, "Only Sirius was involved, Severus, and he will be punished. The others didn't know--"

"They're liars!" screamed Snape.

"It's your own fault!" Black said, with the stubborn look of someone who knows he's wrong but can't admit it. "If you hadn't gone chasing after Remus--"

"Be silent, Mr. Black," the Headmaster said coldly. "You are in quite enough trouble as it is."

"You'll be expelled for this, Black!" Snape snarled, salvaging what little pleasure he could from this fiasco. "Maybe even sent to prison for attempted murder--" Black would argue that it was merely a prank, no doubt, but Snape was sure his father could exert enough influence on a judge to get a conviction...

"Mr. Black will have detention for the rest of the year, and Gryffindor will lose one hundred points--"

"But the House Cup--" wailed Pettigrew.

"Shut up, Peter!" hissed Potter.

"--but none of you shall ever speak of this incident to anyone, do you understand me, Mr. Snape?"

"BUT HE TRIED TO KILL ME!" screeched Snape.

"He played a stupid, thoughtless prank that could indeed have gotten you killed," said Dumbledore. "And for that, I would expel him except that I would have to explain to his parents and the staff why he was expelled." Snape went pale and the Headmaster saw that he understood. "Remus would at best be expelled as well, and at worst killed or confined to Azkaban as a dangerous monster. And Remus is innocent of any wrongdoing."

"I'm not so convinced of that," Snape muttered, his heart sinking. Lupin had still remained close to his friends even after he and Snape became an item. What had he told them about Snape? Were all those sweet words and kisses just a lie? Had it all just been a trick to lull his suspicions and lure him into a trap? His gaze turned towards Black. Black, who had been so possessive and jealous of Lupin...unbidden an image sprang into his mind of Lupin and Black in bed together, laughing scornfully at Snape. ("I can't believe I let that slimy git touch me," shuddered imaginary-Lupin while imaginary-Black sneered, "I can't believe that idiot actually believed you really wanted him!")

"You know better than that," chided Dumbledore, interrupting his thoughts. "You know Remus isn't capable of something like that."

"Do I?" asked Snape coldly. "I didn't know he was a werewolf; what else don't I know about him? I won't press criminal charges against Black, but I want him expelled. If Lupin has to be expelled as well, that's fine with me!" {No!} screamed the despairing part of him, but he ignored it. "Make up whatever story you like, but expel them. Both of them."

"No," said Dumbledore.

"No?" Snape asked incredulously.

"I won't let harm come to an innocent boy just so you can get your revenge on Mr. Black. And I think you would regret it later, when you are able to think more rationally."

"What if I just tell everyone that Lupin is a werewolf?" Snape asked recklessly. "What will you do then?"

"Snape!" Potter shouted.

"You will do no such thing, Mr. Snape," said Dumbledore sternly. "Or you will be expelled as well."

"WHAT?! I'm the victim here!"

"Yes, you are. But so is Remus. I would hate to do it, but I will if I have to. I am not bluffing, Severus."

For the second time that night, Snape felt his heart break. "I trusted you," he whispered accusingly.

"And Remus trusted you," Dumbledore said, still stern, but a little sympathy crept into his voice.

"No he didn't," Snape said bitterly. "He didn't trust me with his precious secret." He wanted to cry, but held the tears back by force of will. He had not wept since he was six years old, and his father had punished him for some childish tantrum with a pain-giving curse. "A Snape does not cry," his father had said as he slowly increased the pain. So he was able to hold his head up high now and say scornfully, showing no sign of the pain he felt, "I can see that it is useless to argue with you, Headmaster; you will protect your Gryffindor pets at any cost. I will keep my silence. But--" He swept his gaze around the room to include the three boys. "--be certain that I will not forget this slight." And with that, Snape turned and stalked out of the room.

***

After Snape left, Dumbledore turned wearily to Black and said, "I am very, very disappointed in you, Sirius. I think you still do not fully comprehend the magnitude of what you have done. Do you understand that two innocent people could have died because of your actions?"

"Snape's not innocent--" protested Black.

"Mr. Black!" Dumbledore roared in anger.

Black flinched; the Headmaster had always played the role of the kindly old wizard--he had never seen Dumbledore this angry before. "I only meant to scare him," Black whispered. "I didn't think that Remus might really hurt him--I didn't think at all." He hung his head in shame. "I never stopped to think that Remy might be punished for what I had done. You can do whatever you like to me, but please don't let anything happen to Remus."

"Mr. Snape will keep his word," Dumbledore said, but still looked deeply troubled. "No action will be taken against Remus."

Black was doubtful about trusting in Snape's word, but sensed it would be best not to press the issue right now. "I just wanted to protect Remus," he said quietly, still wanting to defend himself somehow. "I thought Snape might hurt him. I just wanted to scare him away from Remy, that's all."

"In trying to protect your friend, you have hurt him--no, both of them--worse than you could ever imagine, Sirius. I hope things may be still be set right, but I fear you have destroyed two lives today." Black opened his mouth to speak, but Dumbledore cut him off. "No, I see you do not understand. I hope someday you do, for your sake as well as theirs. You are dismissed, gentlemen."

***

When Lupin returned to their dorm room early the next morning, looking gaunt and exhausted, he finally told his friends the truth. That he and Snape had become friends, then fallen in love.

"Snape?!" Peter kept saying, as if he couldn't believe his ears. James was still skeptical himself, but kept his opinion to himself to spare Remus's feelings.

Sirius tried to apologize. "I'm sorry, Moony," he said contritely. "I never thought about the fact that you would be in danger if anything happened to Snape."

Lupin just stared at him in disbelief. "Is that all you're sorry about, Sirius? It sounds like you wouldn't care if Severus got killed as long as nothing happened to me!"

"Why should I care about Snape?" Sirius asked defensively. "He's been trying to get us expelled ever since we got here!"

"He doesn't deserve to be murdered for that!" yelled James before Lupin could say anything. He didn't like Snape either, but he was fed up with Sirius's attitude. "What is wrong with you? Do you think it's all right to kill someone just because they're a jerk?!" Something suddenly occurred to James. "All those times he was following us around--it wasn't to get us expelled! Not that he would've minded getting us in trouble, I suppose, but what he really wanted was to be near Remy!" James sat there, stunned. Snape in love? Could Remy really be right about him? It boggled the mind.

"Snape!?" Peter repeated, for at least the twentieth time.

"I only wanted to scare him," said Sirius sulkily. "I was trying to protect you! He's a worthless git who'd only end up hurting you! If he really loved you, he wouldn't care that you're a werewolf!"

"He did love me!" screamed Lupin. "But now he hates me and it's all your fault! How could he not hate me?! I AM a monster, I almost killed someone I love!"

"But--"

"Just shut up, Sirius!" James snapped. He went to Remus and held him, trying to comfort him as he wept hysterically. Sirius subsided, feeling both guilty and angry, while Peter just sat there with a bewildered look on his face.

***

Lupin returned to class the following day. He kept trying to talk to Snape, who kept avoiding him. Finally he cornered Snape in an empty hallway between classes.

"Severus, please, I have to talk to you!" Lupin begged, reaching out to grab Snape's arm.

Snape slapped Lupin's hand away. "Don't touch me!" he snarled. "I can't believe I ever let a monster like you touch me!" he said cruelly, and felt a surge of savage glee at the wounded look on Lupin's face. "Did you and your little friends have a good laugh at my expense? Did you tell them how I begged for my life, I bet they really liked that part!" Lupin's betrayal aside, that was what Snape really hated--that Potter had found him in a position of weakness, begging for mercy. "Was it your intention to simply humiliate me, or would you have killed me if Potter hadn't stopped you? I'll wager Black at least had murder on his mind! Lucky for you Potter had a change of heart, or there'd be blood on your hands...or should I say paws?" Snape's voice was starting to turn shrill; he paused to take a deep breath and regain control of himself. He wouldn't give Lupin the satisfaction of seeing how upset he was.

"I didn't know, Severus, I swear I didn't know what Sirius was going to do!" Lupin sobbed, tears running down his face.

Snape curled his upper lip in contempt. "Oh, stop that, Lupin. You look pathetic! As if those tears are real, anyway! What a good little actor you are; you should try out for the drama club."

"Severus, please, I love you! Please, I'm so sorry--"

"If you loved me, you would have told me the truth about yourself," Snape said coldly.

"I was going to, I swear! Didn't I promise you I would?"

"You've lied to me before, Lupin; why should I believe you now?" He turned and walked away, leaving Lupin weeping in the hall.

***

Lupin kept trying to apologize to him, but Snape just ignored him. He tried sending letters to Snape, but Snape just ripped them up, unread. Finally he gave up, and went about his everyday activities looking as pale and lifeless as one of the school ghosts. Snape felt a sense of malicious satisfaction at Lupin's misery, although a doubtful little voice in his head said, {If he was really in on the prank, shouldn't he be laughing at you, not moping around?} Snape snarled and told the voice to shut up. {Oh great, now I'm talking to myself...}

Potter tried to talk to Snape as well. "Look Snape," he said. "You can hate Sirius; he probably deserves it. You can even hate me and Peter if you want, even though we had nothing to do the prank. But don't hate Remus; he didn't do anything wrong. He barely eats, he cries himself to sleep every night, he's making himself sick--"

"And this concerns me how?" Snape asked in a bored tone, feigning indifference, while half of him gloated and the other half cringed with guilt.

"I don't know why, but he loves you, you arrogant little git!" James snapped. "He really, truly loves you. If you're the man he claims you are, you won't let him tear himself apart like this over you!"

For a brief moment, Snape wavered; he desperately wanted to believe Potter. But the memory of Lupin's betrayal hurt too much; he would never, ever give anyone the power to hurt him like that again. "I'm not stupid enough to fall for the same trick twice," he sneered.

"For the hundredth time, Remus did not know about the prank!"

"A prank? Is that what they're calling attempted murder these days? But it doesn't matter whether he knew or not. I could never love a monster like him."

Potter gave him a steady, measuring look that somehow made him feel ashamed of himself. "You don't deserve him," Potter said coldly, then turned on his heel and walked away.

***

Dumbledore tried to put them back on the cataloging project, hoping that forcing the two to spend time together would help, but Snape flatly refused. "Go ahead and expel me if you want, I don't care. But I'm not working with him ever again."

Though Snape had always been obsessed with his grades and his status at school, Dumbledore could see that he was telling the truth; his eyes still had that wild look in them, as if he were hovering on the brink of sanity. One nudge could easily tip him over the edge. Dumbledore decided to let things slide for the moment, hoping that time would eventually heal the worst of Snape's wounds.

***

After breaking up with Lupin, Snape began spending more time with Malfoy and his crowd. Malfoy was quick to notice his discontent; he wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but knew it involved Lupin, Black, and Potter. Gryffindor had been docked a huge amount of points; gossip had it that Black had lured Snape into the Forbidden Forest where he'd almost gotten killed by some wild beast, but Snape refused to talk about it. Still, Malfoy figured he had enough information to manipulate Snape with...

"Didn't I tell you that no good would come of associating with other Houses, Sev?" he asked sympathetically, putting his arm around Snape's shoulders in a comradely fashion. To his surprise, Snape grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed him against the wall.

"Don't touch me and don't call me 'Sev'!" Snape snarled, his black eyes glittering with madness.

"All right, all right! Take it easy, Se--I mean, Snape!" Malfoy recognized someone gone over the edge when he saw it; he didn't waste time trying to berate Snape or put him in his place. Malfoy very slowly and cautiously eased himself out of Snape's grip and away from the wall.

Just then, Malfoy's other wayward lamb, Rosier, walked in. Before Malfoy could say anything, Rosier snarled, "Don't give me any grief, Lucius! Ariane's family found out about us; they told Ariane to stay away from me or they'll disinherit her! They're even talking about taking her out of Hogwarts and sending her to Beauxbatons!"

A less subtle man would have punished both boys for their insolence. Instead, Malfoy said silkily to Snape, "I can give you enough power to bring your enemies low," and to Rosier, "enough power to deal with meddling parents and win your lady fair."

"How?" the two boys chorused eagerly, and Malfoy smiled.

{Like taking candy from a baby...} he thought.

***

Lupin did not speak to Sirius for two months. But finally he relented, partly because he could see he was also hurting James and Peter, who didn't deserve it, and partly because (he thought with a touch of bitterness) he couldn't afford to lose any of the few friends he had left. Sirius for his part, tried to apologize once more.

"Remus, I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I really am sorry," Sirius said, sounding sincerely remorseful. "James made me see what an idiot I was; my stupid prank could have gotten you killed. I'm so sorry, Remy."

Lupin smiled sadly. "I can forgive you for what you did to me, Sirius," he said softly. "But I can never forgive you for what you did to Severus."

While he was truly sorry, Sirius began to feel a little annoyed. "Look, I know what I did was wrong, but James showed up in time; Snape didn't get hurt--"

"Not physically, no," said Lupin, beginning to get angry again. "But what you have done to his soul--"

"Oh please!" Sirius said.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, Sirius! It took me years to gain his trust, and you destroyed it all in one night!"

"I just don't understand what you see in him!" Sirius said in frustration.

Lupin sighed. He'd tried to explain, and he thought maybe James understood a little, but Peter and Sirius just didn't get it. "He's been hurt in the past more badly than you and I can imagine." Lupin still didn't know much about Snape's childhood, but what little he did know painted a pretty bleak picture. "The pride, the sarcasm, the arrogance--he uses them to push people away because he's afraid of getting close to anyone, afraid of being hurt. But he let me in, for some reason. Maybe because I know what it's like to be lonely. I never had a friend before I met you and Peter and James." Sirius's expression softened just a little, and encouraged by that sight, Lupin continued earnestly, "I know it's hard to believe because you haven't seen that side of him, Sirius, but he was kind to me. He took care of me when I was sick." His hand drifted up to his chest, where Severus's necklace was hidden beneath his robes.

"But we do that too," said Sirius, sounding hurt; why did that make Snape so special? "And if he's so great, why hasn't he stood by you?" But he regretted saying that when he saw the pain on Lupin's face.

"It wasn't all your fault," said Lupin unhappily. "I let him down. He thinks I lied to him, that I didn't trust him...and maybe he's right. He hurt me, but I hurt him too, even though I didn't mean to."

"He's not worthy of you, Moony--"

"Enough!" said Lupin sharply. "Since you won't be convinced, let us agree to disagree. I won't throw away our friendship over this, but I don't ever want to hear you say anything against Severus again. You can think what you like, but keep it to yourself, that's all I ask."

"Fine," said Sirius stiffly, but he felt a little resentful. It was he who had first befriended the shy, frightened-looking boy during their first year and introduced him to James and Peter. He loved his friends as dearly as family--more, if truth be told, because he had never been very close to his family. His parents had a slightly cold and remote air about them; he had often longed for a warm and loving family like James's. He always felt as if he were a bit of a disappointment to his family, who regarded him as a black sheep: he was too irresponsible, too disrespectful, his grades weren't good enough...it seemed nothing he did was ever enough to please them. But it was all right because he had his three friends, his fellow Marauders and blood brothers. He loved all of them, but he was especially protective of Remus, who seemed more fragile than the others somehow. But it seemed somehow that his tightly-knit group of friends was starting to drift apart. First James fell in love with Lily--who was a perfectly nice girl, and to her credit, she didn't try to come between Prongs and his friends. But it was inevitable that James would want to spend time alone with her, withdrawing from the group a little. That was hard to bear, but he could accept that. Lily at least was a good person and a Gryffindor, but how could Remus throw them over for that Slytherin git? He had lied to his friends and snuck around behind their backs to romance their worst enemy! Snape, of all people, who gotten them in trouble countless times! Snape, who had taunted Remus about his shabby robes, pushed him in the mud, and tripped him in the halls! Why would Remus choose someone like that over his best friends? Sirius felt betrayed.

Although on the surface they had patched up their friendship, things were strained and awkward between them. It was the beginning of a rift that would last for almost twenty years...

***

If there's a God at Heaven's door, do you think He wants me anymore?
It's all left up to circumstances, a whole life filled with second chances
Pounded like nails into my floor
Everybody hates and everybody dies
Begin to separate a world that's full of lies
--"Separated Self" by Saliva]

Snape soon realized he had made a mistake by joining Voldemort--right about the time the Mark of the Death Eaters was branded on his arm--but by then it was too late. He stood by and watched helplessly as a Muggle-born wizard was offered up as a sacrifice to Voldemort at the branding ceremony. It was then he realized that this was not just a bunch of wizards who were practicing clandestine black magic and trying to gain political control in the wizarding world. He was a fool; he had treated the whole thing like a game, but he should have known better. The signs had been there for him to read, but he had ignored them in his anger, in his need to turn away from Lupin and Dumbledore. Now he had to stand there and smile, pretending to delight in the screams of the chosen sacrifice as the others did, for he knew he would be the next to be slaughtered if he tried to stop it.

Going to Dumbledore to confess his crimes was the hardest thing Snape had ever done. Having so little else in his life, Snape clung to his pride fiercely, like a lover or a child. And he never, ever admitted he was wrong about anything. But more than that, he was ashamed. When Dumbledore took Black's side in the Shrieking Shack incident, he told himself he no longer cared what the old wizard thought of him. But as he stood there in the Headmaster's office, he realized that he cared very much indeed. However, while he might be a Death Eater, he was not a coward. So he stood there and forced the words out of his mouth, confessing his guilt and stupidity. When he finished, there was no anger or censure in Dumbledore's eyes, only sorrow and compassion. And somehow that compassion was even harder to bear than the anger and contempt he had expected. In fact, it almost undid him completely; tears stung his eyes, but he clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, and the tears remained unshed. Severus Snape did not cry; he had not wept when his lover betrayed him, and he certainly would not snivel and beg for mercy he did not deserve now. Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder, but Snape shrugged it off.

"Well, aren't you going to turn me in to the Ministry?"

The Headmaster sighed wearily. "So they can send you to Azkaban? What purpose would that serve?"

"When I was ten years old, you never scolded me for the curse I put on the neighbor's boy. But this is not something that can be solved with a heart-to-heart chat and a handful of candy."

Dumbledore sighed again. "No, and you are not a child anymore. So what do you intend to do to set things right?"

Snape just stared at him.

"Sending you to prison would accomplish nothing. Voldemort and the Death Eaters will still be out there. The things you have done in the past cannot be undone, Severus. But the future can still be changed. We have been unsuccessful in fighting Voldemort mainly because we cannot get anyone close to him or his followers."

A look of comprehension crossed Snape's face. "You want me to be your spy! I'd intended to give you the information I have--the names of the Death Eaters I know and such--but will the Ministry really just let you turn me loose?"

"For now it will be our secret, but I will make it right with them. You will be far more useful free than in Azkaban. But make no mistake, it will be very dangerous. If they discover you have betrayed them--"

Snape grimaced. "The death of that Muggle-born last night will seem merciful by comparison. And the Dark Lord is not a merciful man."

"In some ways, Azkaban would be the easier choice. But you don't strike me as the type who takes the easy way out, Severus."

Snape smiled, albeit grimly, and nodded. He had taken the easy way out before and look where it had gotten him. "I will be your spy," he said. The Mark on his arm still burned painfully, but he felt--not exactly hopeful, but at least now he had a sense of purpose, a way to atone for his crimes. That would be enough to sustain him for now.

***

Lily made a beautiful bride; she was radiant with joy and James just stood there with a silly grin on his face. Lupin felt pure, unadulterated happiness for the first time since the Shrieking Shack incident. He kissed the bride on the cheek, hugged and congratulated the groom, then circulated among the other guests, laughing and talking with old classmates from Hogwarts. He was even happy to see Sirius, whom he had barely spoken to since graduation.

He and Peter and Sirius filled their plates with food and sat down at a table together; Lily and James were still greeting their many guests.

"You look good, Remy," said Peter. What have you been up to?"

"Dumbledore got me some assignments as a freelance translator," replied Lupin. He was fluent in French, since his parents had emigrated from France, and had studied German and of course Latin (which was the foundation of most spell commands) at school. "I've been translating textbooks from English into French or German and vice-versa. I think it has something to do with the Headmaster trying to promote an exchange of knowledge between schools. It doesn't pay a lot, but it's enough to put food on the table, and I can work from home." Which was a big help, since it was hard to keep a job when you had to disappear for a few days every month...

Sirius lowered his voice. "Dumbledore's been trying to build alliances because of Vol--"

"Sirius!" Peter squeaked in horror.

"Ahem, I mean, You-Know-Who. The Death Eaters are getting more numerous and they've grown bolder in their attacks."

"Do we have to talk about this at James and Lily's wedding?" protested Peter nervously.

Sirius ignored him and gave Lupin a solemn look. "Your old friend Snape is one of them."

"I don't believe you!" said Lupin, throwing down his fork. "Severus would never do such a thing!"

"Um, guys..." Peter pleaded. "I don't think this is really the time or the place--"

"He's very close to Lucius Malfoy, and everyone knows the Malfoys practice the Dark Arts. And the Snapes have always leaned that way themselves--"

"Stop it! How long are you going to hold on to your childish grudge--?"

"How long are you going to hold on to your childish crush?!" retorted Sirius. "I've been talking to some Aurors, and they're certain that Snape is high in the ranks of the Death Eaters, along with Malfoy. Only their families' wealth and influence have kept them from being arrested so far. He's no good, Remy! He's been bad ever since we were in school together! When he started his first year, he already knew more curses than most seventh-years ever do! And he was caught more than once snooping in the restricted section of the library; the section that covers the Dark Arts, I heard! You're well rid of him, Remy; you're lucky he didn't drag you down with him!" Sirius felt a sense of triumphant satisfaction; it was wrong to gloat, but perhaps Remus would finally see that he had been wrong about Snape...

Lupin felt a moment of doubt; Severus had always hungered for knowledge and chafed against the restrictions the school put on them. The only way to truly defend against the Dark Arts was to study the spells themselves, he had often claimed. Despite his unpleasant nature, Lupin didn't really think Severus would have used black magic against anyone, but he couldn't stand certain areas of study being closed to him. It had often seemed to him that Severus wanted to know everything there was to know about magic, good and bad. Could Voldemort and Malfoy have played on that weakness, his desire for knowledge...?

Sirius saw Lupin waver. "An arrest is imminent, I hear, once they cut through the bureaucratic red tape," he lied.

Lupin felt sick. "I could have saved him," he whispered.

"What?" Sirius frowned; this was not turning out the way he thought it would.

Lupin turned on him, his normally gentle blue eyes blazing with rage. "If that's true, then you condemned him with your selfish act back in school! I could have saved him, but you drove him away from me, straight to Malfoy! If anything happens to Severus, if he truly does turn out to be a Death Eater, then I will never forgive you!" With that, he got up and ran away from the table.

Sirius sat there shaking with rage. How dare he! The ungrateful bastard! He had saved Remus from that Death Eater, probably saved him from being served up as a sacrifice to Voldemort, and this was the thanks he got? Even now, with Snape's true colors exposed, he still chose that snake over his true friends?!

The rift that had begun during their fifth year was now complete. Knowing Remus's inexplicable love and loyalty towards a Death Eater that had spurned him as a teenager, it took little stretch of the imagination for Sirius to believe that Remus would betray his friends to Voldemort, perhaps to get back in Snape's good graces. And for Lupin, he saw that Sirius still did not truly believe he had done anything wrong the night he sent Severus to the Shrieking Shack. Oh, he was sorry that he had risked Lupin's life, but he was never sorry that he had nearly killed Severus. He was too stubborn, too proud to admit that he was wrong, and those were the kinds of weaknesses Voldemort used to manipulate and corrupt. It was easy for Lupin to believe that Sirius could have fallen under his spell.

***

The war against Voldemort was finally over, but it was a Pyrrhic victory at best; there were so many dead on both sides. Rosier was dead, along with his best friend Wilkes, killed in battle by Aurors. Wilkes had been remarkably easy-going and good-natured for a Slytherin, but he had been too gullible, too ready to believe whatever Malfoy and Rosier told him. He could have surrendered and turned coat to save his life as so many others did, but he had a stubborn streak of honor. He had really believed all that rubbish Voldemort had fed them about "saving the purity of the wizard race" and so he had died rather than admit defeat, and also he would never have abandoned his friend Rosier. Snape often wondered what would have happened to Wilkes if he had been placed into another House, say Gryffindor or Hufflepuff...he might still be alive, possibly even a hero on the side of the "good" wizards.

As for Rosier, surprisingly enough, his and Ariane's love had flourished; she had defied both her family and her House to remain with him. Ariane had always been proud, snobbish, and spoiled; Snape would never have thought she would give up her wealth and status for any man, but she did. For his part, although Rosier was a conniving and ambitious son-of-a-bitch, he had been sincerely devoted to Ariane. Snape had sometimes hated them for remaining together when he and Lupin had not. But he felt pity for her when she stood trial as an accused Death Eater, her eyes red from weeping for her dead lover, her belly heavy and round with his child. But she was still proud and beautiful, her head held high, her silver-blonde hair streaming unbound down her back. She swore she was not a Death Eater; she had no Mark on her arm, and no one, including Snape, could claim they had seen her at any of Voldemort's meetings or ceremonies. She claimed Rosier had told her nothing about his secret activities other than that someday he would be so powerful that her family would bow down to him and they could marry in honor. Snape found that highly unlikely but had no evidence to the contrary, and in any case figured she had been punished enough. Others had been convicted or even killed on less evidence, but in the end, Ariane's family rallied around her, exerting their considerable influence on the judges, and no one really wanted to send a pregnant woman to Azkaban. So she was released into the custody of her family, although Snape wasn't sure that was much of an improvement. Her mother, the family matriarch, gazed at her daughter with cold and contemptuous eyes, and her older brothers, the twins Gilbert and Gwydion, who had once doted upon her and spoiled her shamelessly, regarded her with open hatred and betrayal. Only her uncle Mathias, a wise old wizard who had fought bravely in the war against the Dark Lord, showed her any sympathy, his gray eyes filled with both grief and compassion. Ariane was exiled to the family estates in Wales, and Snape heard nothing more from her after that.

Malfoy, who had lured all of them into Voldemort's service to begin with, got off scot-free. Of course.

On the other side, there were even more dead. Lily Potter, who had never done him any harm. James Potter; the debt Snape owed him would now forever go unpaid. Professor Blackmore was missing and presumed dead; although she had disagreed with many of the Ministry's policies, she had become an Auror and captured many Death Eaters, and even killed some in self-defense, although she was not one of those who killed on sight, no questions asked. But she had raised Voldemort's ire and become a prime target. Her house was found broken into; a struggle had clearly taken place, with furniture broken and in splinters. The bodies of three Death Eaters lay on the floor, torn to pieces--possibly by some creature Blackmore had summoned? Of Blackmore and Bane, there were no signs, except for large splashes of blood and numerous blood-stained black feathers.

{One more death on my hands,} Snape thought despairingly. How ironic that he had once accused Lupin of having blood on his hands, when what Snape himself had done was so much worse. It didn't matter that he had come to Dumbledore and switched sides; he had willingly offered his services to Voldemort, however briefly, and his hands could never truly be clean. It was true that he had worked as a spy and passed along information that saved lives, but there were so many others he had been unable to save. So many times he had to stand by and do nothing while a victim was sacrificed because he could not risk blowing his cover. Thankfully, Voldemort had not made him fight on the front lines, having preferred to make use of Snape's more academic skills, but he had made potions and poisons that his fellow Death Eaters used on innocent victims; he had taught them curses and spells that they used on more innocents. Dumbledore assured him what he had done was necessary, that they could not have won the war without him, but it didn't help Snape sleep any better at night.

***

At the time of the trials, Snape's role as a spy was known only to a select few; it was widely assumed by most of the world at large that he was a Death Eater and would be convicted as such. His own parents disowned him, although he wasn't sure if it was because he had been a Death Eater or because he had been stupid enough to get caught. His parents' beliefs had always been similar to Voldemort's, but they had refused to fight on either side; Malfoy had scornfully called them fence-sitters. But in the end, his parents had been right, and it had been Malfoy who had chosen the wrong side.

For his own safety, Dumbledore was secretly housing him in Hogwarts until the trials were over. Mostly he sat in his room and stared at the wall; he had no idea what he would do or where he would go when all this was over, and he felt too numb to care.

Then, one day, a house elf brought him an envelope, accompanied by a note from Dumbledore that simply read, "This was sent to me for you." Severus picked up the envelope and his heart skipped a beat; all it said was "Severus Snape" but he recognized the handwriting--it was Lupin's. With trembling hands, he broke the seal on the envelope and pulled out the letter within. It read:

Dear Severus,

The gossip mill has been working overtime, and it is said you will stand trial soon on charges of being a Death Eater. Although they are but rumors, I fear for you, because in these perilous times, the Ministry has rushed to convict and even execute suspected sympathizers of Voldemort with a token trial--or none at all. I know you are innocent, though many of my friends have tried to convince me otherwise. Despite our differences at school, you have always followed your own code of honor, Severus, and I do not believe you are a Death Eater. I know you associated with Malfoy and the others, but I believe that you would have rejected them once you understood what they were truly about.

I have no wealth, no political power to exert on your behalf, but what I can do, I will. I have talked to a couple of former housemates who now work in the Ministry of Magic, though I fear they have little more influence than I do. And I am writing to Dumbledore; in fact I am sending you this letter through him. He knows you as well as I do--probably better, so I know he believes in you as I do. Dumbledore's word counts for much; I know he will be able to protect you. He says he cannot discuss matters with me but that I should not worry, although I confess I still do.

I fear I have little else to offer, save my friendship. If ever you need a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to lean on, call on me and I will come. No matter what happens, I believe in you, Severus, and will stand as your friend.

Remus

Snape fell to his knees, and broke down and wept, as he had not wept when he thought Lupin had betrayed him when they were teenagers, nor when Dumbledore betrayed him as well, and not even when he lay awake in bed at night haunted by the faces of Voldemort's victims. But he wept now, in great racking sobs, in mingled joy and despair. Joy, for he realized that Lupin still loved him, and despair for what he had so foolishly thrown away. Because now it was too late; he could never reconcile with Lupin. Voldemort was banished, but not dead, and there were Death Eaters still at large: some, like the Malfoys, who were able to escape the charges through their wealth, and others who had never been caught or even identified. Voldemort had been paranoid, never completely trusting anyone, so no one Death Eater knew the names of all the others; there must undoubtedly be at least a few at large who would never be captured. And if his betrayal of their Lord became known, his life and the lives of anyone close to him would be forfeit. Snape could take care of himself; he had accepted the risk when he first went to Dumbledore, but he could not risk Lupin's life as well. With guilt, he remembered the promise he had made the first time they slept together in the Gryffindor dorm: "I will always protect you". He had not kept that promise very well in the past, but he would keep it now; he would not do anything to endanger Lupin, even if meant sacrificing whatever happiness they might have found together. All the other lives lost he could bear, but he could not live with himself if Lupin were killed because of him. But he could not give Lupin any hint of how he really felt; he must break Lupin's hopes and drive him away completely, so that he would stay away from Snape and be safe. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, and took up a pen to write a scathing reply, but then he had a better idea.

There was a knock on the door, but he ignored it. A moment later, Dumbledore walked in to find Snape tearing Lupin's letter to shreds.

"Severus! What are you doing?!"

"What does it look like I'm doing, Headmaster?" Snape replied calmly, but there was a hint of hysteria lurking below the surface. "I'm sending Lupin a reply to his letter." He put the torn pieces into an empty envelope, sealed it, and addressed it to Lupin.

"Don't make the same mistake twice," Dumbledore begged. He pointedly stared at Snape's red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "You know you still care about him."

Snape was too weary to try and deny it. "All the more reason to keep him away from me, then. I'm a walking target for any Death Eaters still on the loose--and don't try to tell me we've caught them all, because you know we haven't. Not to mention the fact that there are still several trigger-happy Aurors who don't believe that I've really changed sides. Anyone close to me would also be in danger." He smiled bitterly. "Fortunately, I have no friends or lovers, and now that my parents have disowned me, no family. I have no hostages to fortune, and I think I would like to keep it that way."

Dumbledore said gently, "Remus is stronger than you think. He is more than capable of protecting himself."

"I can't risk it," said Snape stubbornly.

The Headmaster regarded him with an expression of affection mixed with exasperation. "It is not your place to make that decision for him. Remus has the right to decide for himself whether he'll take the risk or not."

"No!" shouted Snape. "I won't let him die because of me! Don't I have enough blood on my hands already?!" He paused to compose himself, and saw Dumbledore staring at him; he didn't like the calculating look in the Headmaster's eyes. "Don't even think about telling Lupin this is some sort of noble, self-sacrificing move on my part, because I'll deny it. I'll tell him that it's a trick you came up with to try and get us back together. I'll tell him the old wizard has finally gone batty because I could never fall in love with a monster. I'll tell him I still hate him. I'll tell him every cruel, vicious thing I can come up with, and you know I can be quite cruel."

"Yes, I know that very well, Severus," said Dumbledore in a level tone, looking him directly in the eyes. Snape blushed and averted his gaze. "You are making a big mistake," the Headmaster warned.

"So be it," Snape said, remaining firm in his resolve. {At least Remus will still be alive.}

***

As things turned out, Snape was never formally charged and never stood trial. His name was privately cleared by Dumbledore, but plenty of people still thought he was a Death Eater who had repented only on the surface. Neither he nor Dumbledore attempted to disillusion them, the better to keep his credibility in case he was contacted in the future by Voldemort's followers; they knew he might one day be needed again as a double agent. Besides, he doubted any of his naysayers would have believed him anyway.

But Dumbledore believed in him, and to his surprise, offered him a position at Hogwarts. The old Potions Master had been another casualty of the war, and there was an opening on the staff, which Dumbledore assured him he was more than qualified to fill. Snape had never considered teaching as a profession, but found a sense of comfort and satisfaction in his work, despite the fact that the noisy, impudent brats--particularly the Gryffindors--often got on his nerves. Still, there was the occasional talented student who made it all worthwhile (not that he would ever let the student know that, of course). He played the role of the embittered former Death Eater, and continued to cultivate the goodwill of the prominent Slytherin families, including the Malfoys, however much he secretly despised them. Whenever Lupin's name came up--which wasn't often, since someone who was both a pauper and a werewolf had little status in their world, but from time to time his name would come up in conjunction with Potter's--Snape would continue to profess hatred and scorn for him.

But the problem with playing a role for so long, Snape found, was that after awhile, you became what you pretended to be. Oh, he was never again tempted to join the ranks of the Dark Wizards, but the anger and bitterness he feigned slowly became real. All of his problems had begun with Potter and Lupin, he decided as he lay awake at night contemplating his past and wondering where he had gone wrong. Potter and his friends had stolen from him the only person he had ever loved, and Lupin was equally to blame, for making Snape fall in love with him. If they had remained childhood enemies, everything would have been fine; hostilities between them would never have gone beyond a few harmless pranks and hexes. But no, Lupin had to play the good Samaritan and reach out and befriend the poor little Slytherin boy. Perhaps he had actually cared for Snape a little, but in the end he had loved his friends more, and that was what Snape truly could not forgive. After the Shrieking Shack incident, Lupin wailed and wept and moped about, but in the end he made up with his friends, including Black. {If he really loved me, he would have abandoned them after what they did to me,} Snape thought. The rational part of his mind pointed out, {Why would he abandon his friends for you when you had already rejected him? Then he would be completely alone.} But Snape didn't care about logic; he found it was much easier to hate Lupin than live with the despair and longing that was eating away at his soul. Deep inside, a small part of Snape was ashamed of himself for taking the "easy way out" he had scorned as a young, repentant Death Eater, but it was the only way for him to survive the long, lonely years ahead. So he nursed his old grudges and resentments, and buried himself in his work.

And then, one day, Lupin came back into his life...

Part 4, Part 5, Part 6