FIC: Always, Part 6 of 6

[geri_chan]

Title: Always, Part 6 of 6
Rating: NC-17 overall, but mostly PG-13
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Word count: ~9,130
Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling and lyrics belong to the band Saliva; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part. (All songs are from the album "Back into Your System.")
Warning: Very AU (was written pre-Book 5)--Snape is a pureblood; also, in my universe, Lupin's condition is a hereditary disease or curse. It seemed more logical than the huge coincidence of someone whose name means "wolf" being bitten by a werewolf. It doesn't really come up in this story except for a brief mention, but plays a more important role in the sequels to this story.
Summary: In the aftermath of Sirius Black’s escape, Snape makes choices for both good and ill.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

***

Snape knocked on the office door. When no one answered, he opened the door and walked inside, calling, "Lupin? Have you forgotten about your potion?" He frowned at the empty room; it wasn't like Lupin to be so irresponsible. He looked down at the desk, thinking perhaps Lupin might have left him a note, and saw the Marauder's Map. He had learned of its existence, after the Shrieking Shack incident, but had never actually seen it until he found it in Potter's possession. He peered with interest at the moving dots...until he saw the names attached to them, and realized that they were all converging on the Shrieking Shack. The goblet fell from his hand, unnoticed, and spilled its contents on the floor. The children! And Lupin! He couldn't let them face Sirius Black alone! He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should call for help, but there was no time. By the time he found the Headmaster and explained what was going on, Lupin could be dead; he was a good wizard, but he would be hampered by his need to protect the children, and by his lingering feelings for Black. Snape knew despite what Black had done, that Lupin still cared for him; he would hesitate to use lethal force against his old friend, but Black was a ruthless bastard who would have no such compunctions. Even as these thoughts went through his head, Snape was already running towards the Shrieking Shack...

At the base of the Whomping Willow, Snape came across a pile of cloth and picked it up. "An Invisibility Cloak!" he exclaimed. "As I suspected all along...well, Potter, I'm sure you won't mind if I borrow this..." He slipped it over himself as he entered the tunnel; it might help him get the jump on Sirius Black...

[I wrap my hand around your heart
Why would you tear my world apart?
--"Always" by Saliva]

He took out his wand as he slowly entered the Shack. He didn't want to make any sudden moves that might endanger Lupin or the children. With the help of the Cloak, he could observe the situation and wait for the right moment. The sound of voices led him to the closed bedroom door. He paused and listened at the door, hearing the voices of Lupin and the children. He repressed a sigh of relief; they were all still alive. He listened closer, trying to judge when would be a good time to make his entrance, and heard Hermione Granger babbling something about how Peter Pettigrew couldn't possibly be an Animagus, which made no sense. He frowned and pressed his ear against the door, and to his shock, heard Lupin laugh.

"Right again, Hermione!" Lupin said. "But the Ministry never knew that there used to be three unregistered Animagi running around Hogwarts."

"If you're going to tell them the story, get a move on, Remus," Black snarled. "I've waited twelve years, I'm not going to wait much longer."

"All right...but you need to help me, Sirius," said Lupin. "I only know how it began..."

And with those two brief sentences, Severus Snape's whole world was suddenly ripped apart. Lupin...was working with Sirius Black?! {HE BETRAYED YOU!} the voice in Snape's head screamed, and he stuffed his fist in his mouth to stifle his anguished wail. He managed to muffle the sound, but he fell heavily against the door, which swung open with a loud creak. He hastily scrambled back as Lupin came and looked out into the doorway. He stared his faithless lover right in the eye, but of course Lupin could not see him beneath the Cloak.

"No one there..." muttered Lupin.

"This place is haunted!" said Weasley.

"It's not," said Lupin, giving the door one last puzzled look before he went back into the bedroom. "The Shrieking Shack was never haunted...the screams and howls the villagers used to hear were made by me."

Snape sat outside on the landing, biting his fist till he could taste blood in his mouth, screwing his eyes shut to keep the tears from spilling out of them. {A Snape...does not...cry!} he told himself vehemently. {I will not...WILL NOT!...cry over that...that...WEREWOLF!} The bitter, coppery tang of blood filled his mouth as he listened to Lupin explain to the children about his lycanthropy, which Snape already knew about, and how his three friends had become Animagi to keep him company, which Snape had not known. {How much more about you don't I know?} Snape thought despairingly. Had he been working with Black all along, or had he just been stupid enough to fall for some sob story of innocence Black had created? {It doesn't matter,} he decided. {I will never forgive him! I will never trust him--trust anyone--ever again!} And deep in his heart, a voice whispered quietly, {I will never love anyone ever again.}

"...so in a way, Snape's been right about me all along," Lupin was saying.

{You're damn right!} thought Snape, removing his fist from his mouth. He ground his teeth together, letting anger push the despair out of his heart. {I should've trusted my instincts, never should have fallen for those innocent blue eyes...}

"Snape?" Black asked harshly. "What's Snape got to do with it?"

"He's here, Sirius," Lupin said heavily. "He's teaching here as well."

Another wave of despair washed over him at the heaviness in Lupin's voice. {I thought you were happy that I was here! You said you came back here to be near me!} And the sarcastic voice in his head snarled, {He lied, you fool!} Then it said in a smooth, insinuating tone, {Or...perhaps he was happy enough to share your bed for awhile, but when the man he really loved showed up, he decided to toss you aside. You were his second choice, Snape; you will always be second best...}

***

"He's here, Sirius. He's teaching here as well." Lupin felt a heaviness in his heart. His two worlds were colliding and he didn't know if he could ever set things right again. He was overjoyed to discover his old friend was innocent, but he didn't know if he could ever convince Severus of that. And he suspected Severus would never forgive him when he found out Lupin had helped Sirius. He attempted to explain to the children the reason for the animosity between himself, Sirius, and Severus. "...You see, Sirius here played a trick on him which nearly killed him, a trick which involved me--"

Sirius snorted. "It served him right! Sneaking around, trying to find out what we were up to...hoping he could get us expelled..."

Lupin sighed. Twelve years in Azkaban had not changed Sirius for the better. He was still unrepentant; but at least he wasn't a murderer... "Severus was very interested in where I went every month. We were in the same year, you know, and we--er--didn't like each other much." {Until our fifth year...} "He especially disliked James. Jealous, I think, of James's talent on the Quidditch pitch..." He hated to make Severus sound so petty, but he knew Severus would never forgive him if he told the children the real reason behind the grudge Snape held against his friends. {Although what's so terrible about being in love...?} he wondered. Then, in a sudden flash of insight, he realized that Severus thought of love as a weakness, and he couldn't stand to appear to be weak in front of anyone. But there was no time to think about that, or how it might affect their relationship, now.

Lupin concluded his story, and Harry said slowly, "So that's why Snape doesn't like you, because he thought you were in on the joke?"

"That's right," sneered a very familiar voice, and Lupin felt his blood run cold. He turned around to see Severus pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, his wand pointing directly at Lupin.

***

Snape cast off the Cloak, being careful to keep his wand pointed at Lupin. "Very useful, Potter, I thank you..." He felt his lips twist into a grin that must have been terrifying, judging by the children's reactions, and he felt a coldness, like a layer of ice, forming around his heart. He welcomed it, because it helped him to endure Lupin's horrified stare. "You're wondering, perhaps, how I knew you were here...?" And he taunted Lupin with the knowledge of how the Marauder's Map in his office had given him away.

"Severus--" Lupin said in a pleading tone.

"I've told the Headmaster again and again that you've been helping your old friend Black into the castle, Lupin--" {But you fooled even me, for a little while.} "--and here's the proof. Not even I dreamed you would have the nerve to use this old place as your hideout--"

"Severus, you're making a mistake," Lupin pleaded with him. "You haven't heard everything--I can explain--Sirius is not here to kill Harry--"

"Two more for Azkaban tonight," Snape said, feeling lightheaded, almost euphoric. He knew he was teetering on the edge of sanity, but he no longer cared. "I shall be interested to see how Dumbledore takes this...he was quite convinced you were harmless, you know, Lupin...a tame werewolf..."

"You fool," said Lupin softly. "Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back inside Azkaban?"

That soft, disapproving voice...the look of disdain in Lupin's eyes...and the last thread linking Snape to his sanity snapped. BANG! A quick motion of his wand, and thin, snake-like cords leaped out of the wand and twisted themselves around Lupin's mouth, wrists, and ankles. {I don't want to hear any more of your lies!} he thought viciously as he watched his lover fall to the floor, bound and gagged. Black roared in rage and started towards Snape, but Snape pointed his wand straight between Black's eyes.

"Give me a reason," he whispered. "Give me a reason to do it, and I swear I will." Oh God, how he wanted Black to take that step, to give Snape an excuse to kill him. Slowly. All the forbidden curses he had learned in Voldemort's service swam into his mind. First he would use the Cruciatus Curse, then only after Black was too far gone to know who he was or why he was being tormented, would Snape put him out of his misery with the Killing Curse. If Lord Voldemort had shown up right at this moment and offered him Black in exchange for his soul, he might have done it...what use had he for a soul, anyway, now that Lupin had betrayed him...?

But now Granger was pleading with him to hear Black out. It infuriated him that, even now, people would still side with Black over him, even knowing Black was a convicted murderer! He might expect that from Potter, but he had thought Miss Granger had more sense than that.

"But if--if there was a mistake--" Granger stammered timidly.

"KEEP QUIET, YOU STUPID GIRL!" Snape screamed, knowing he was out of control, but not caring. "DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" A few sparks shot out of the end of his wand at Black. He trembled with the effort of keeping himself from killing Black. He didn't know what was stopping him; a dim memory of a long-ago promise made in the Headmaster's office...? The memory of a dying Muggle-born wizard, and the pain of the Mark being branded into his arm... Snape took a deep breath, and regained a very tentative hold on his sanity once again.

"Vengeance is very sweet," Snape said breathlessly to Black. "I hoped I would be the one to catch you..." {But it wasn't supposed to happen like this,} part of him protested. {I was supposed to save Lupin, be the hero...} His long-cherished secret fantasy suddenly appeared in his mind: Lupin turning away from Black, to stare up at Snape adoringly; finally, completely, his... Snape took that image and ruthlessly crushed it, imagined it shattering into a thousand pieces... {No more fantasies for me, ever!}

"The joke's on you, Severus," snarled Black. "As long as this boy brings his rat up to the castle, I'll come along quietly."

"Up to the castle?" Snape asked silkily. "I don't think we need to go that far. All I have to do is call the Dementors once we get out of the Willow. They'll be very pleased to see you, Black...pleased enough to give you a little kiss, I daresay..." Part of him cackled with glee; the other part realized his hold on his sanity was more tenuous than he had thought...

The look of panic on Black's face was quite amusing. "You--you've got to hear me out," Black croaked. "The rat--look at the rat--"

Snape grinned, knowing he must look quite mad, feeling his sanity slip just a little bit further out of his grasp. "Come on, all of you," he said in an twisted parody of cheerfulness. He snapped his fingers, and the ends of the cords binding Lupin flew to his hands. "I'll drag the werewolf. Perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him, too--" He saw the look of terror and betrayal in Lupin's blue eyes, and thought sadly, {Ah Lupin, you never really knew me at all, did you, if you believe I could follow through on my threat?} Because even now, even knowing how Lupin had betrayed him, he could not bring himself to harm his lover. Former lover. But he would make Lupin watch as the Dementors sucked his dear friend Black's soul right out of his body. Then a thought occurred to him that filled him with blind, unreasoning fury: perhaps Lupin was not afraid for himself, but for Black...

Snape snarled and turned towards the door, but suddenly Potter was standing in his way. For once, his anger was not focused on the boy; Potter's insolence was a small, insignificant thing beside the return of an old enemy and a lover's betrayal, but the boy would not leave well enough alone. He brushed aside the boy's objections, saying, "Get out of the way, Potter."

"YOU'RE PATHETIC!" Potter yelled. "JUST BECAUSE THEY MADE A FOOL OF YOU AT SCHOOL YOU WON'T EVEN LISTEN--"

"SILENCE!" shrieked Snape. "I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT!" For a moment he thought he saw James standing before him instead of Harry, and for the first time he became truly frightened at the prospect of going mad. "Like father, like son, Potter! I have just saved your neck; you should be thanking me on bended knee! You would have been well served if he'd killed you! You'd have died like your father, too arrogant to believe that you might be mistaken in Black--now get out of the way, or I will MAKE you, GET OUT OF THE WAY POTTER!"

Then Snape heard three voices scream, "Expelliarmus!" and everything went black...

When Snape regained consciousness, he found himself lying on the ground, surrounded by the unmoving forms of Black and the three children. Lupin was nowhere to be seen, but the full moon was up, and he could hear howling in the distance. He conjured up stretchers and took his prisoner and the children back to the castle. He felt oddly numb; the voice in his head kept saying plaintively, {This isn't the way it was supposed to happen...}

***

Cornelius Fudge was shaking his hand and babbling something about giving him the Order of Merlin.

Snape's mouth made the appropriate response of, "Thank you very much indeed, Minister," but inside he still felt numb and hollow. As if some award, some shiny medal, would make up for what he had lost...make up for Lupin's mischievous smile, his gold-and-silver hair, his gentle blue eyes, his body warm and willing beneath Snape's... He touched the copper bracelet hidden beneath the sleeve of his robe, remembered Lupin kissing the Mark on his arm, and suddenly he wanted to weep. But now Fudge was asking him about the children... For an instant, he was tempted to say they had been in league with Black. But Black had fooled others older and wiser than they--namely one Remus J. Lupin--so he decided to be merciful, though he doubted they would ever thank him for it. Besides, Fudge probably wouldn't believe mere children were capable of such treachery...but Snape, who had grown up in Slytherin House, did. But still, Potter at least should not get off unpunished.

"Is it good for him to be given so much special treatment?" Snape asked. "Personally I try to treat him like any other student." {Liar,} taunted the sarcastic little voice in his head. {Oh, shut up,} Snape retorted, and continued, "And any other student would be suspended--at the very least--for leading his friends into danger..."

"Well, well...we shall see, Snape, we shall see...the boy has undoubtedly been foolish..."

The boy had been, and still was, foolish indeed. Fudge insisted on stopping by the hospital wing to visit Potter. And the boy tried to convince the Minister of Black's innocence. One might almost admire his persistence...if one didn't hate Sirius Black with a passion.

"YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN!" screamed Potter. And Granger chimed in with her version of events.

"You see, Minister?" Snape gloated. "Confunded, both of them...Black's done a good job on them..."

"WE'RE NOT CONFUNDED!"

Madam Pomfrey was trying to usher them out of the room at the same time Dumbledore walked in. "I have just been talking with Sirius Black," he said calmly.

"I suppose he's told you the same fairy tale he's planted in Potter's mind?" Snape asked sarcastically. "Something about a rat, and Pettigrew being alive--"

"That is indeed Black's story," said Dumbledore mildly, giving Snape that penetrating look he used when he thought a student might be lying--or at least not telling the entire truth. That look infuriated Snape; it was like reliving his schoolboy days all over again!

"Does my evidence count for nothing?" Snape snarled. "Pettigrew was not in the Shrieking Shack, nor did I see any sign of him in the grounds."

"That was because you were knocked out, Professor," Granger said earnestly. "You didn't arrive in time to hear--"

"Miss Granger, HOLD YOUR TONGUE!"

"Now, Snape," Fudge was saying, "the young lady is disturbed in her mind, we must make allowances--"

Meanwhile, Pomfrey was still trying to throw everyone out of the room, but Dumbledore insisted he had to talk to the children alone. Fudge went on ahead, but Snape paused by the door. "You surely don't believe a word of Black's story?" he whispered, staring at the Headmaster's face, trying to read his expression.

"I wish to speak to Harry and Hermione alone," was all Dumbledore said.

"Sirius Black showed he was capable of murder at the age of sixteen," Snape breathed. "You haven't forgotten that, Headmaster? You haven't forgotten that he once tried to kill ME?"

"My memory is as good as it ever was, Severus," said Dumbledore quietly.

Snape turned on his heel and stormed out of the room. The Headmaster was going to take Black's side again, he just knew it! And why not? History seemed to be repeating itself. Lupin had betrayed him once again, so naturally Dumbledore would as well. But this time Black would not get away with it; this time Snape had the Minister of Magic on his side.

And then came the news that Sirius Black had escaped...

***

Snape ran towards the hospital wing as Fudge and Dumbledore followed him.

"He must have Disapparated, Severus, we should have left somebody in the room with him. When this gets out--"

"HE DIDN'T DISAPPARATE!" Snape roared. "YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISAPPARATE INSIDE THIS CASTLE! THIS--HAS--SOMETHING--TO--DO--WITH--POTTER!"

"Severus--be reasonable--Harry has been locked up--"

Snape slammed open the door of the hospital wing and bellowed, "OUT WITH IT POTTER! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Professor Snape!" shrieked Madam Pomfrey. "Control yourself!"

"See here, Snape, be reasonable," Fudge said soothingly. "This door's been locked, we just saw--"

"THEY HELPED HIM ESCAPE, I KNOW IT!" Snape howled, spit flying from his mouth. He knew he was acting like a madman, which wasn't helping his case with Fudge, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. It just wasn't fair, that not only had he lost Lupin, but he didn't even have the consolation of seeing Black destroyed!

"Calm down, man!" Fudge barked. "You're talking nonsense!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW POTTER!" Snape screamed hysterically, completely out of control by now. "HE DID IT, I KNOW HE DID IT--"

"That will do, Severus," Dumbledore said quietly, in that oh-so-reasonable tone, asking Madam Pomfrey if the students had been out of their beds since he left the ward.

"Of course not!" she said indignantly. "I've been with them ever since you left!"

"Well, there you have it, Severus," said Dumbledore. "Unless you are suggesting that Harry and Hermione are able to be in two places at once, I'm afraid I don't see any point in troubling them further." He smiled at Snape, his eyes twinkling behind his glasses, and Snape knew, he just KNEW, that Dumbledore had aided the children somehow, but of course he would never be able to prove it. Snape stood there for a moment, briefly contemplating murder, then turned and ran out of the ward.

***

Snape went down to breakfast in a fury, then stopped dead in his tracks: Lupin was sitting at the breakfast table, looking wan and gray. He had thought Lupin would be feeling too ill to come to breakfast, not to mention he hadn't thought that Lupin would have the unmitigated gall to show his face in public after what happened last night! The werewolf looked up and stared at him pleadingly.

{Oh no, you don't!} thought Snape blackly. {I won't let those puppy-dog eyes get to me this time!} He avoided the staff table completely, and sat with his Slytherin students, much to their surprise.

The table was buzzing with gossip. "Is it true Sirius Black was captured but escaped, Professor?" Draco Malfoy asked eagerly.

"Yes," Snape said curtly, grinding his teeth together.

"I heard the Hippogriff escaped too!" said Pansy Parkinson.

"Nooo!" Malfoy howled.

{Well,} Snape thought sourly, {at least I'm not the only one who's been disappointed today...}

"Maybe that's what I heard howling last night," said Gregory Goyle dully. The boy was just as slow and stupid as his father had been...

"Hippogriffs don't howl, you idiot!" said Malfoy.

"No, but werewolves do," said Snape in a silky tone. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lupin's fork stop halfway to his mouth.

"What do you mean, Professor?" asked Malfoy, gaping at him.

"Oh, use your brain, Malfoy!" Snape snapped. "Is Hermione Granger the only one of my students clever enough to figure it out?" The Slytherins bristled at that accusation, and Snape let his eyes slide over in Lupin's direction. Goyle and Crabbe still didn't get it, but Malfoy was quick enough to pick up on it.

"So that's why he gets sick every month!" the boy exclaimed.

"Huh?" asked Crabbe.

"Professor Lupin's a werewolf, you dolt! Wait till I tell my father--"

Soon the gossip was spreading from the Slytherin table all across the room. Dumbledore was glaring at him from the head table, but Snape had eyes only for Lupin. He looked into those blue eyes, expecting to see anger and betrayal, but they held only sorrow and resignation. Lupin gave him one last, sad look, then set down his fork and left the room.

{Well, he's gone from your life for good now,} the sarcastic voice in Snape's head said, sounding oddly subdued. But deep inside his heart, another voice screamed, {WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!}

Dumbledore rose from his seat, walked over to the Slytherin table, and said in a cold voice, "I will see you in my office after breakfast, Severus," then he left the room as well.

***

[I feel like you
Don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things
I guess I'll see you around
It's all been bottled up until now
As I walk out your door
All I can hear is the sound of...
Always...always...always...always...always...always
--"Always" by Saliva]

Lupin laid his letter of resignation on the Headmaster's desk.

"This isn't necessary, Remus," Dumbledore protested.

"Yes, it is, Albus, and we both know it. The parents will not want a werewolf teaching their children. I'm sure Lucius Malfoy in particular, will be quite vociferous about it."

"Damn that boy for being so stubborn," Dumbledore muttered under his breath.

A small smile crossed Lupin's lips despite himself. Only Dumbledore would be able to think of an embittered former Death Eater in his thirties as a "boy". "Don't be too hard on Severus," said Lupin. "From what I know of his childhood and his years at Hogwarts, he has had precious little reason to trust anyone. And twice now, have I betrayed his trust, at least in his eyes."

"Yes, he has had a difficult life," Dumbledore said impatiently. "But that excuses only so much. There have been people who cared for him, people who tried to help him--you and I not the least among them. It is long past time he grew up."

"Why should he?" Lupin asked sardonically. "Neither has Sirius."

The Headmaster sighed. "Those two boys will be the death of me yet! The irony of it all is, neither of them realizes how much like the other he is!"

"As I said, don't be too hard on Severus. If Sirius had just come to you and explained things...I know you would have heard him out. And I am not blameless myself. If I had told you about the three of them being Animagi..."

"We have all made mistakes, Remus," Dumbledore said gently.

"And besides...I endangered the children last night. I could have bitten them." Dumbledore started to protest, but Lupin interrupted him. "Yes, I know that it wasn't my fault, that there were circumstances beyond my control--but that would be cold comfort if a child were killed or infected. No, it is best for me to leave."

"Very well, Remus. Here is the balance of your wages." He handed Lupin a small sack filled with coins.

Lupin hefted the sack, feeling the weight of it, and raised his eyebrows. "Er...I wasn't aware that I had received a raise..."

"A small bonus," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. "Well deserved, under the circumstances, I think." He came around to the front of the desk and gave Lupin a hug. "Take care of yourself, my boy. And let me know if you need anything, anything at all..." He gave Lupin's shabby robes a pointed look. "No need to be a martyr, Remus. It's not charity to let your friends help you out occasionally."

Lupin smiled. "Yes, Albus. I'll keep in touch. And," he added in a light tone, although his heart was still heavy, "I did acquire two new robes and some fond memories during my stay here."

"I'll call a carriage for you."

"Thank you Albus, I'll be packing my things."

Lupin went to his personal quarters--which he had hardly spent any time in since the end of November, when he had practically moved into Severus's quarters--and packed his meager belongings. As he packed away the two robes Severus had given him for Christmas, he wondered if he would ever be able to wear them again without wanting to break down and cry. He closed his eyes for a moment, then shut his suitcase and went to clean out his office.

***

Snape sat in the Headmaster's office, feeling much like an errant schoolboy about to be lectured once again. But this time his crime was something much worse than putting a simple hex on another student. Not that he cared. He would never again care what the old wizard thought of him, not after he had betrayed Snape yet again.

"I am very disappointed in you, Severus," Dumbledore said sternly. "You disobeyed my direct orders to keep Professor Lupin's condition confidential."

"I apologize, Headmaster," replied Snape with a noticeable lack of sincerity. "In all the excitement, it just sort of...slipped out."

"I am not stupid, Severus!" roared Dumbledore, slamming his fist down on his desk. "And I'll thank you not to treat me as if I were! We both know you did it on purpose! As valuable as you are to this school, if you ever defy me in such a manner again, I shall be forced to dismiss you. Is that clear, Professor Snape?"

"Yes, Headmaster," said Snape sullenly, slouching down in his chair.

Dumbledore sighed wearily. "Severus, if I were not so angry with you right now, I would feel sorry for you." Snape looked up, a puzzled and resentful expression on his face. "You are your own worst enemy. Who are you really trying to punish--Remus or yourself?"

"I have no idea what you mean, Headmaster," Snape said icily.

"You know perfectly well what I mean," Dumbledore snapped. "You were given a very rare opportunity, Severus--a second chance at happiness. Third, actually, if you count the time you sent back Remus's letter during the trials." Snape stared at him in outrage and opened his mouth to protest, but the Headmaster cut him off. "I'm not finished, Severus! You have sabotaged your chances for happiness at every turn; perhaps you feel you don't deserve to be happy?"

Snape glared at him. "Oh, spare me the 'poor misunderstood Slytherin boy' bit! I don't need anyone's pity! I was quite content before Lupin walked into my life."

Dumbledore ignored him. "Perhaps you feel you don't deserve to be loved?"

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Lupin never loved me!" he hissed. But unconsciously, his right hand touched his left wrist, where the copper bracelet remained beneath his robe...he must have forgotten to take it off...

"Why do you think that, Severus?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

He had not been expecting that question, and was startled into answering honestly, "Be-because he helped Black. He chose Black over me! Again!" Then he clamped his hand over his mouth, horrified, before he could demean himself any further.

"Oh, Severus," said the old wizard, rising and coming out from behind his desk to lay a hand on Snape's shoulder. Snape looked up briefly, then refused to meet his eyes again. He had no right to look so sympathetic--so fatherly!--when he had betrayed Snape. "Love is not like a pie, my boy," he said gently.

"Interesting analogy, Headmaster," said Snape sarcastically. Perhaps the old man had finally gone senile...

"Love is not a finite thing that can be divided into pieces," Dumbledore explained patiently. "Just because Remus loves Sirius--or Harry, for that matter--doesn't mean that he loves you any less. Love is boundless--like the sea, or the sky."

"Very poetic," muttered Snape.

"A wife doesn't love her husband any less when their child is born. Rather, the bond between the family is increased. And parents don't love their first child any less when the second is born--"

"Speaking from experience," Snape said coldly, "I wouldn't know. I'm not married. I'm an only child. And I haven't spoken to my parents in twelve years." {And my father's motto was always, "Sentimentality is a luxury only the weak can afford".}

"Severus," said Dumbledore, reaching out with one hand, but Snape pulled away, rising from his seat.

"If we're done here..." said Snape.

Dumbledore fell back into his chair, suddenly looking much older. "No," he said wearily, "we're not, but I can see there's no point in continuing." As Snape opened the office door, Dumbledore said, "Don't be a fool, Severus. Go patch things up with Remus."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that." {Where on earth did that regretful tone in my voice come from?} Snape wondered.

"It's never too late, Severus," said Dumbledore quietly as the door swung shut.

***

Snape lingered outside Lupin's office door, wondering what on earth he was doing here. There was nothing left for either of them to say to each other, after all. But some masochistic part of him wanted to see Lupin one last time before he left...

While he was dithering outside Lupin's door, trying to work up enough courage to either walk in or flee, the door opened, and he heard Lupin say, "Well--goodbye, Harry, Hermione. It has been a real pleasure teaching you. I feel sure we'll meet again some time." Then Potter and Granger trudged out, with gloomy expressions on their faces.

Before Snape could retreat out of sight, Potter exclaimed, "You!" just as Lupin said, "Severus!" in a startled voice.

"Haven't you done enough?" Potter snapped. "Did you come to gloat, too?"

"Harry!" Granger squealed in protest, although she glared at Snape as well.

Before Snape could say anything (such as, "Twenty points off Gryffindor!"), Lupin said sharply, "I don't ever want to hear you speak to a teacher that way, Harry!"

"But--"

"It's all right, Harry," said Lupin in a kinder tone. "Go on, I'll be fine."

"But--"

"Come in, Severus," said Lupin, his expression unreadable, as he held the door open. Snape hesitated, then decided he could hardly humiliate himself any more than he already had after being caught lurking outside Lupin's office, and walked in. The door swung shut on the children's stunned faces.

***

"Wh--what the--?!" stuttered Harry. "What did Snape come here for? And why would Professor Lupin want to talk to the slimy git after what he did?"

"Professor Snape had a strange look on his face," Hermione said slowly. "Almost...sad. Or maybe...guilty. Maybe he wants to apologize."

"Hah!" Harry snorted. "And maybe the Sorting Hat will realize it made a mistake and put Draco Malfoy in Gryffindor!"

Hermione was staring at the closed door. "Don't you want to know what they're talking about?"

Harry stared at his friend; was Hermione--little Miss Follow-the-Rules Granger--actually suggesting they eavesdrop on their teachers? "Well...yes," he admitted.

But as they edged closer to the door, they heard a cheerful voice say, "Ah, Harry, Hermione! Just the two people I wanted to see--"

Harry groaned inwardly as the Headmaster walked towards them, but reluctantly let Dumbledore lead them away. Now he would never know what Snape and Lupin said to each other! Hermione obediently followed the Headmaster to his office, but cast one last backward glance at Lupin's office door.

***

Now that he was standing in Lupin's office, Snape had no idea what he wanted to do. Apologize? Gloat? He just stood there staring at Lupin.

"Why, Severus?" Lupin asked quietly, finally breaking the long silence.

"You know why," Snape whispered, finding that his voice suddenly worked again.

"I want to hear it from your lips, Severus," said Lupin, quietly, but implacably.

"Fine," Snape said shortly. "You helped Black. You betrayed me."

"He's innocent, Severus."

"He's played you for a fool!"

Lupin reached into his pocket, pulled out a scrap of torn newspaper, and held it up. "Look," he said.

"It's Weasley and his family; big deal. I fail to see--"

"Look, Severus!" Lupin shoved the picture in his face. "Look at the rat!"

"What about it?!"

"Look at his paw!"

Snape looked, and felt a chill run down his spine. The rat was missing a toe on one paw. No, it couldn't be... "That--that means nothing!" he blustered. "It could have lost the toe in an accident--escaping from a trap, or a cat--that cat of Granger's is always chasing it around--"

"How can you be so stubborn?" Lupin shouted. "Peter Pettigrew is alive! Sirius is innocent!"

"I DON'T CARE!" howled Snape.

"Wh-what do you mean?" stammered Lupin. "Even you wouldn't want to see an innocent man convicted!"

"'Even you'--what's THAT supposed to mean?"

"N-nothing, I just--"

"And anyway, BLACK TRIED TO KILL ME! In case you'd forgotten! Since when is attempted murder merely a 'schoolboy grudge'?!"

"Yes, Sirius made a mistake!" Lupin shouted back at him. "But he's spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit! Isn't that punishment enough?"

"NO!" screamed Snape. "It will never be enough! I will never forgive him! I will never forgive YOU!"

"Why, Severus?!" Lupin cried out, his eyes imploring Snape for forgiveness, for understanding...

Snape had completely lost control of his emotions, or he never would have told Lupin the truth: "BECAUSE YOU CHOSE BLACK OVER ME!"

"B-but Severus--"

"You knew," Snape hissed, "you knew I would never forgive you if you helped Black, but you went ahead and did it anyway! After all your pretty words of love and devotion, after everything we had together--you threw it all away for Black!"

Lupin sighed, and all the energy seemed to drain out of his body. His shoulders slumped, and he hung his head down till his chin nearly touched his chest. "Yes," he whispered. "I knew I was risking our relationship when I decided to help Sirius."

Finally Lupin had admitted it; but being proven right brought no satisfaction. Snape stood there, breathing heavily, staring at Lupin.

Then Lupin raised his head and looked Snape directly in the eye. "But," he said in a steady voice, "I could not let an innocent man be destroyed, not even to preserve my own happiness. Not even to preserve yours. If the situation had been reversed, Severus, I would have done the same thing for you. I would have defied Sirius for your sake."

"Talk is cheap, Lupin," Snape sneered. "Easy for you to say, when you'll never have to prove it."

"I did defy him for your sake once already," said Lupin in that firm, implacable tone. "At James and Lily's wedding fourteen years ago. He tried to convince me you were a Death Eater, and I refused to believe him. It destroyed our friendship and our trust in each other. That was why, when James and Lily were betrayed, we each believed the other was the traitor."

Snape stared at Lupin disbelievingly. {No...that can't be true...can it?}

Lupin laughed mirthlessly. "You and Sirius both had the same faults...pride and arrogance and a stubborn refusal to ever admit you were wrong...yet somehow I believed the worst of him when I never believed it of you. Despite your House, and your pride, and your interest in the Dark Arts, I never really believed you were a Death Eater."

"But I was," Snape whispered.

"But you rejected them once you knew what they were really like," Lupin replied, in a gentler tone. "You risked your life to help set things right." He paused for a moment, then said, "I did try to help you, you know, although it turned out that you never needed my help in the first place. But I believed that you would be forced to stand trial as a Death Eater, and I wrote to Dumbledore begging him to help you. I wrote to you, too--and I know you got my letter because you sent it back to me in pieces." He gave Snape a smile tinged with both bitterness and sorrow.

Snape was struck speechless; he had almost forgotten about that letter--and his reaction to it. "I didn't rip it up because I hated you," he said earnestly; for some reason it was now suddenly important to him that Lupin understand he had not done it out of sheer pettiness. "I was trying to protect you."

"I don't understand," said Lupin, sounding puzzled.

"Voldemort was banished but not dead, and there were still Death Eaters at large--I had betrayed my master; for all I knew they would try to kill me for that betrayal. And if it became known that you were my lover, or even just my friend, they would kill you too--"

Lupin just stood there, staring at him open-mouthed; his lips moved, but no sound came out of them.

"I swear, Lupin, I swear," Snape babbled, his eyes filling with tears, "I was only trying to protect you! I wanted you so much, but I couldn't be that selfish, I couldn't risk your life--" And the tears he had fought so hard to hold back all his life spilled down his face, unchecked; for only the second time since he was six years old, Severus Snape wept.

Lupin stared at him, and suddenly his face filled with rage, and his hands clenched into fists. Snape thought Lupin--gentle, quiet Lupin who never raised his voice to anyone--might actually hit him, but he made no move to try and block any blows; God only knew it was the least he deserved. Then Lupin raised his fists and pounded them on Snape's chest, but only lightly, and then he was not hitting Snape at all but rather throwing his arms around him, crying, "Damn you, Severus! You had no right to make that decision by yourself! All those years wasted! All those years we could have been together--"

Lupin sobbed uncontrollably, and Snape put his arms around him, pressing his face against Lupin's hair as he whispered, "I'm sorry, Remus."

"Damn you, Severus!" Lupin sobbed. "Don't you know I would have taken any risk to be with you--?"

"Yes, I know," said Snape quietly. "That was why I couldn't let you do it. I had so much blood on my hands, so many deaths on my conscience--the Potters, Blackmore, even Rosier and Wilkes--" Yes, Rosier and Wilkes had been Death Eaters, but they had been motivated by love and friendship, respectively. Rosier probably couldn't have been swayed, but Snape might have been able to save Wilkes if he had tried. But he hadn't; there would have been too much risk of his status as a double agent being exposed. So he had let poor, gullible Wilkes--who had, after a fashion, been his friend--die in the Dark Lord's service. "I couldn't bear to lose you, Remus," he whispered. "I could live without you in my life, but I couldn't live with myself if you died because of me."

"I thought you hated me," Lupin wept.

"I pretended to, and then I really did, for a long time," Snape confessed. "It was easier to hate you than to admit to myself how much I missed you."

Lupin pulled away from Snape, and wiped his face on his sleeve. "Both you and Sirius are so much alike!" he said, still sounding a little angry.

"I'm nothing like Black!" Snape said indignantly.

"You both decided what was best for me without even consulting me, as if I were a child!" snapped Lupin. "Back in school, Sirius saw we were getting close and he was afraid you would hurt me, so he set out to scare you off--and guess what, it worked! You did exactly what he wanted!"

Snape felt ashamed of himself, as well as appalled at how easily Black had manipulated him.

"And as for you," Lupin continued. "You made the decision to 'protect' me without giving me any choice in the matter!"

"But I was just--"

"Trying to protect me, I know. But Severus, do you think I liked the fact that you risked your life spying on Voldemort? And that you're putting yourself at risk now by pretending to be a sympathizer still?"

"Well, I never really thought about it--"

"How would you feel if I asked you to stop? Or worse, if I went to Dumbledore and told him not to let you do it anymore?" Lupin saw the affronted expression on Snape's face, and smiled in grim satisfaction. "Ah, you don't like that one bit, do you? So how do you suppose I feel? I don't want you risking your life, Severus, but I understand why you do it; I even understand that it's necessary, and I have too much respect for you to try and force you to stop. So why don't you treat me with the same respect?"

"I'm sorry, Lupin," Snape said humbly. He had never felt so thoroughly chastised in all his life; not even as a schoolboy being scolded by the Headmaster or the supposedly-demonic Blackmore, whom all the Slytherins lived in fear of. "But," he added meekly, "I only did it because...because..."

"Because what, Severus?"

He meant to say, "Because I wanted to protect you," but what came out of his mouth was, "Because I love you."

Then Lupin's eyes filled with tears again, but he was smiling as well. "I know, Severus," he said softly, as he wrapped his arms around Snape once again. "I love you, too. I always have and I always will. No matter what. Even if you hated me, even if you became a Death Eater in truth, even if you--" he gave Snape an ironic smile "--exposed me to the entire school as a werewolf, I would still love you."

Snape flushed with guilt. "I'm so sorry, Remus! For everything!"

"I forgive you, love," Lupin said, kissing him lightly on the mouth.

The word "love" made Snape's heart soar at the same time it was sinking at the thought of how he had betrayed Lupin and driven him away from the school. "Why don't you hate me?" he asked helplessly.

Lupin smiled sadly. "Because you hate yourself enough for the both of us," he said quietly.

Snape had no idea how to reply to that. It was true, he knew, but he didn't know how to change that even if he wanted to. But Lupin just held him, stroked his hair, and whispered comforting little endearments in his ear, and Snape let him.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"It's all right, Severus."

"No it's not!" Snape protested. "Don't go, please! I'll tell Dumbledore I was wrong, I'll tell the Slytherins--I don't know what I'll tell them, but I'll think of something--"

"It's too late, Severus," said Lupin gently. "I'm sure the first owls are already on their way to the parents--"

"I'll talk to the parents!" Snape said recklessly. "I'll convince them to let you stay!"

"You can't do that without risking your cover," Lupin reminded him, still in that gentle tone of voice. "What would Lucius Malfoy say, if he heard you defending a werewolf, and a Gryffindor werewolf at that? What you are doing for Dumbledore is more important than either of us, my love."

He was about to protest that he didn't care, that he'd give up spying for Dumbledore if it meant they could be together, then Lupin's words hit him like a bucket of cold water. Lucius Malfoy. If Malfoy found out about them... He stared at Lupin in horror. "If anyone finds out about us...you'd be in just as much danger as you would have been twelve years ago. Maybe more..." Perhaps it was better to let Lupin just walk away, even if it broke his heart. Again.

Lupin glared at him. "Didn't you hear a word I said? I'm not letting you push me away again for my own safety!"

"But Lupin, the danger--"

"Do you think any of us will be safe when the Dark Lord rises again?" Lupin cried. "I am already marked as an enemy, even without your love, Severus! I'm a friend to Harry Potter and to Dumbledore! And I mean to fight in this war, Severus! There will be no watching from the sidelines, this time--I have a feeling Voldemort will tolerate no neutral parties, no fence-sitters; you will be either for him or against him! No one in the world will be safe, Severus; all we can do is take what comfort and strength we may from the ones we love."

"I'm so scared, Lupin," Snape whispered, his already pale face turning positively ghostly. "Not for myself, but for you..."

Lupin wrapped his arms around Snape and held him tightly. "I let you walk away from me once because I thought you hated me. Now that I know you love me, Severus, I will never let you go again. And if you try to be rid of me for my own good, I shall send you a Howler that will announce to the whole school that I am in love with you!"

"That's blackmail, Lupin!" protested Snape, laughing in spite of himself.

"You're damn right!" said Lupin fiercely.

"And here I always thought you were so fragile, so passive," Snape said with a grin.

"You--and Sirius--have always underestimated me," Lupin said. "I can take care of myself; I am much stronger than you think." Then he relented and grinned back at Snape. "Besides, I am a wolf, after all! And I protect my pack and my mate!"

Snape laughed, but then reality set in. "But Remus, we will be separated no matter what you say," he said soberly. "You are leaving the school--which is my fault, I admit--and I must stay."

"It's not the end of the world, Severus," said Lupin. He looked serious as well, but managed a smile. "We can write to each other--" Snape opened his mouth, and Lupin forestalled his objections by adding, "We can send our messages through Dumbledore if you're afraid the Death Eaters might be monitoring your mail."

"I'm not sure I want the old man reading my love letters," Snape muttered.

"Albus would never do that!"

"I'm not so sure of that!" said Snape darkly, but Lupin just laughed.

"And you can come visit me from time to time," Lupin said. "In fact...it's almost time for summer vacation, isn't it? That's three whole months we can spend together!"

Snape smiled. It wasn't perfect, but it was certainly more than he had expected, certainly more than he deserved. But... "I usually spend the holidays at school, unless Dumbledore has some errand for me to run. People might become suspicious if I'm suddenly gone all the time--"

"Remember that Howler," Lupin warned. "I'm sure your clever Slytherin mind can come up with something believable. Perhaps Dumbledore could assign you extra work and send you out as his errand boy in retaliation for getting his pet werewolf thrown out of school."

Snape grinned. "Didn't I tell you once, Lupin, that you would have made a good Slytherin?"

Lupin laughed. "Maybe. But you would make a very bad Gryffindor, Severus!"

"But you said you didn't want me to be a Gryffindor," Snape reminded him in a silky voice. "You said you loved me because I was a Slytherin. You said you loved every part of me."

"That's right," said Lupin, and the wolf began to stir behind his blue eyes.

"Remind me again, which parts those were."

"Your hair," whispered Lupin, reaching up to stroke those shiny black locks. "Your nose." He lightly kissed the tip of it. "Your lips." A longer kiss. His hands started to unfasten the front of Snape's robe. "Your chest," he said a little breathlessly. And then he couldn't speak at all, as Snape covered Lupin's mouth with his and pushed him back against the desk. They were fumbling with each other's robes, and Snape was pushing Lupin down across the top of the desk when suddenly--

"Your carriage is at the gates, Remus," a cheerful voice called out.

Snape and Lupin yelped and jumped apart. Or rather, Snape jumped back while Lupin, unfortunately, was left in the slightly more undignified position of having to crawl off the top of the desk.

"Oh, excuse me!" exclaimed the Headmaster. "I guess I should have knocked. Hope I'm not--er--interrupting anything."

"Uh, not at all, Headmaster!" Lupin said, his face turning scarlet as he hastily refastened his robes. He snuck a quick peek at Severus, who looked equally mortified; if anything, his blush was even deeper than Lupin's, his pale, sallow skin making it difficult to disguise the rush of blood to his face. "We were just--um--ah--saying goodbye...?"

"I see," said Dumbledore, stroking his beard as his eyes twinkled behind his half-moon glasses.

"Oh shut up, Lupin," muttered Snape under his breath. "You're just making it worse."

"Would you like me to walk you to the gates, Remus?" Dumbledore asked innocently.

"Ah, no need for that, Headmaster, I can manage..."

"Well then, I'll let you two...ah...say your goodbyes...in private." Dumbledore winked at Snape as he left the room.

"One of these days, I'm going to kill that meddling old wizard," Snape said blackly, but Lupin burst out laughing. Snape glared at him for a moment, but the corners of his mouth kept twitching upwards, and finally he gave in and laughed as well.

"There's no use fighting it, Severus," Lupin chuckled. "We'll never outsmart that old wizard!"

"I suppose not," Snape said, still sounding a little disgruntled. But he couldn't stay angry when he looked at Lupin's laughing face.

"Goodbye, Severus," Lupin said, embracing him tightly.

"Goodbye, Lupin." Snape kissed Lupin; he meant for it to be a quick goodbye-kiss, but it stretched out much longer than he had intended. "Can't you stay just a little longer?" he pleaded, feeling his blood begin to heat again.

"The carriage won't wait forever," Lupin said regretfully. "Besides," he added with an impish grin, "consider that incentive for you to come visit me when school lets out!"

Snape stroked Lupin's face, taking in the dark circles under his eyes, and the gray in his hair. "I'll come and make the Wolfsbane Potion for you when I visit," he said tenderly. "And I'll owl it to you when I can't."

"Thank you, Severus. Now, I really must go. Goodbye."

"Goodbye." He watched Lupin walk towards the door, and as Lupin placed his hand on the doorknob, he knew there was something else he had to say. "Lupin, wait!"

"Yes, Severus?" Lupin asked, looking back at him.

Snape hesitated, unable to speak for a moment. {Oh, go ahead and say it, already!} the sarcastic voice in his head said, finally admitting defeat. "I...love you, Remus," Snape said in a halting voice. {Hmm, that wasn't so bad...}

Lupin gave him that warm smile he had craved ever since he was thirteen years old, and said, "I love you too, Severus."

Then Lupin was gone, the office door swinging shut behind him, but Snape felt content and at peace for the first time in his life.

-End-

***

Afterword: When I was writing the story, I was trying to avoid contradicting canon as much as possible, so that it could read as a story that hypothetically could have happened behind the scenes out of Harry's POV. However, I did alter the ending of Prisoner of Azkaban slightly to give Lupin and Snape time to talk to each other before Lupin leaves. Also, if the lecture in the Headmaster’s office sounds familiar, it's because I lifted part of it from my previous stand-alone story True Confessions. It's not really stealing if you're borrowing from yourself, right? ;-)

Next story in the series: Summer Vacation (Part 1, Part 2)