FIC: Three's a Crowd (or, Summer Vacation II), Part 1 of 2

[geri_chan]

Title: Three's a Crowd (or, Summer Vacation II), Part 1 of 2
Rating: R
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Word count: ~8,830
Disclaimer: No money is being made off this story; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part.
Warning: AU
Author's note: {} Indicates character's unspoken thoughts
Sequel to: Always (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6), Summer Vacation (Part 1, Part 2), For Old Time's Sake (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5)

Summary: Snape and Sirius have both moved in with Lupin at the start of summer vacation, and Lupin finds himself forced into the role of peacemaker.


***

Lupin sighed wearily. The two people he loved most in the world were sharing his house with him, so he ought to be happy, but as Lupin frequently found, the world did not necessarily run as it "ought to." The minute Snape showed up after the school term was over, Sirius scowled and said, "What are YOU doing here?"
   
Snape scowled back and snarled, "I have just as much right to be here as you, Black, if not more!"
   
Lupin quickly stepped between them. "Knock it off, you two! I told you Severus was staying with me for the summer, Sirius," he said firmly. "And Severus, you know that Albus asked Sirius to stay here for now." The two of them were still glaring at each other. Lupin gave each of them a hard stare, and attempted to imitate the imperious tone of voice their old Professor, Branwen Blackmore, used to use on her students. "This is MY house, and if you wish to remain here, I expect you both to behave yourselves!"
   
It seemed to work--for a little while. They both stared at him in shock, as if he had grown a second head. Lupin felt amused and irritated at the same time; both of them had always underestimated him, mistaking "forgiving" and "gentle" for "soft" and "weak." They spent the rest of the day in sullen silence, pointedly not speaking to each other. Even at the dinner table, the conversation ran along the lines of:
   
"Moony, tell Snape to pass the salt..."
   
"Lupin, tell Black to pass the potatoes..."
   
Finally Lupin threw down his fork and said, "Tell him yourself! I'm through playing referee for you two!" They both stared at him in open-mouthed shock once again, and he wished they could see how alike they looked at that moment.
   
They stopped using Lupin as a go-between and started speaking to each other directly, but mostly to make snide little jibes and insults. It got to the point where Lupin was sorely tempted to strangle both of them.
   
To make matters worse, the situation put a serious crimp in Lupin's plans for a romantic summer vacation with Snape. Of course, all their plans were already thrown off by Voldemort's return, but Lupin had still hoped to spend what time he could with Severus, those moments being all the more precious for their brevity and the unspoken fear that it could all be ended at any time, for they were now at war, although most of their fellow wizards refused to acknowledge it. However, it was difficult to find time alone together in the small cottage, and whenever Lupin started getting affectionate with Snape or vice versa, Sirius would sneer or scowl, and Snape would turn red and pull away. Sometimes it seemed as if he had a phobia about letting anyone but Lupin see him as a decent, caring human being. He didn't even show his students--including his Slytherins--the slightest bit of kindness, although Lupin knew he was concerned about them. Severus claimed it was a Slytherin trait, but Lupin didn't think that was entirely true.

Although for the most part Slytherins tended to be cold and manipulative, Lupin remembered how Evan Rosier had doted upon Ariane Donner, and Rosier's friend Lyall Wilkes had been a halfway-decent sort for a Slytherin. Although he took part in the pranks Rosier and Malfoy planned, Lyall had never seemed particularly malicious, and had always had a good-natured smile and a ready laugh. He had possessed a kind of lazy, easy-going charm, and even laughed at himself when his pranks went awry and backfired on him. Even cold, intimidating Professor Blackmore had seemed to like him, although that didn't stop her from giving him detention if he deserved it. And he had been fiercely loyal and devoted to his best friend Evan Rosier, although Snape claimed that was probably what had gotten him killed. More recently, Lupin had observed some of the parents when they came to their children's Quidditch matches during the time he had taught at Hogwarts, and he had noticed that while Narcissa Malfoy had a disagreeable and snobbish personality, she obviously loved her son. And Draco had seemed pleased with his mother's fussing over him, although like any teenager, he had complained loudly that she was embarrassing him in front of his friends. As for his father, Draco seemed a little in awe of him, and anxiously eager to win his approval. Lupin had felt a little sorry for him at that moment; he imagined that it was not an easy thing, having Lucius Malfoy for a father.
   
In any case, Lupin had by now realized that Snape's fear of affection was not a learned Slytherin trait, but something much more personal. He wanted to learn more about Severus's past, and help chase away the demons that still tormented him, but it was almost impossible to have an intimate conversation with Sirius around. Lupin sighed; it was going to be a long summer...

***

Lupin felt his lover tense as they lay in bed together, and he whispered, "What's wrong, Severus?"
   
Snape let go of Lupin and rolled over onto his back, groaning, "I don't think I can do this, Lupin. Not with Sirius Black downstairs. Quite frankly, it's a little creepy, to think of him knowing we're having sex, maybe even listening to us..."
   
Lupin sighed impatiently, and reached over to the nightstand, where his wand was lying. "That's what silence spells are for, Severus! Besides, I assure you that the thought of us having sex disturbs Sirius far more than it disturbs you."
   
"Hmm..." A thoughtful look appeared on Snape's face, then he caught hold of Lupin's wrist as he raised the wand, stopping him from casting the spell. "I've changed my mind," he said, an evil grin spreading across his face. "If that pervert wants to eavesdrop, let him get an earful!" He knew Black that absolutely hated that he and Lupin were a couple, and his grin grew wider as he imagined the look of outrage on Black's face when he heard Lupin's passionate moans and cries...
   
"You're bad, Severus," Lupin said, waggling a finger at Snape in admonishment, but his eyes were sparkling with laughter, and the corners of his mouth kept twitching upwards as if he were trying to repress a smile.
   
"Of course I am," Snape agreed. He purred in a low, husky voice, "I am a Slytherin, after all, my dear."
   
Lupin's face flushed, and his eyes went a little glassy. He tossed the wand back onto the nightstand and murmured, "Why Severus, I don't think you've ever called me 'dear' before."
   
"Oh? Do you like that?" Snape whispered into his ear.
   
The feel of his lover's warm breath tickling his ear made Lupin shiver with pleasure. "Yes," he gasped.
   
"Then let's make some noise for Mr. Black...my dear," Snape purred.
   
Lupin laughed and blushed at the same time. "I don't know, Severus," he said coyly. "I feel a little self-conscious now. I might be too embarrassed to...be noisy."
   
Snape raised his eyebrows. "Is that a challenge, Lupin?"
   
"You may take it as such, if you wish," Lupin replied primly. "You know how shy and reserved I am," he said, with his very best look of wide-eyed innocence, ignoring Snape's little snort of laughter. "But of course I can't be held accountable for my actions if you make me lose control..."
   
Snape sealed his mouth with a kiss, sliding his tongue between Lupin's lips. He was immediately rewarded with a little moan, but the sound was too muffled for Snape's tastes. He broke off the kiss, and Lupin made a small noise of protest, which Snape ignored. He pushed back Lupin's hair, pausing for a moment to run his hands through it and savor the feel of it sliding between his fingers like silk, then traced the shell of Lupin's ear with his tongue and nipped sharply at the lobe, evoking a loud gasp from his lover. That was better, but... "I want you to howl for me, Lupin," Snape said, his voice ragged and his black eyes intense with desire.
   
The feral hunger of the wolf gleamed in Lupin's blue eyes, but he otherwise remained in control of himself, as he asked in a velvety voice Snape had never heard before (and found quite exciting), "Do you know what I'D like, Severus?"
   
"What?" panted Snape, ready to jump up and do his lover's bidding, even if it entailed slaying a dragon or pulling the stars down from the sky.
   
"I think I'd like you to call me by my first name," Lupin replied playfully. "You don't do it very often, but I love it when you do."
   
"Is that all?" Snape was pleased that the request was so simple and easily fulfilled. "Remus," he whispered, and Lupin's eyes fluttered shut, the long lashes resting against his fair skin as he let out a contented little sigh. Snape thought he looked beautiful, just like an angel... "Remus," he repeated, slowly and tenderly, turning the syllables into a caress with his voice.
   
"Severus," Lupin said urgently, and his eyes opened again, filled with both love and lust. He twined his fingers in Snape's black hair and pulled him down for a long, hard kiss.
   
When Snape had caught his breath again, he thought to himself, {I must remember to do that more often!} He felt humbled, and a little chastened. It took so little to please Lupin, and he certainly deserved whatever happiness Snape could give him. And Snape had a great deal to make up for, beginning with the way he had turned on Lupin when they were teenagers, up until the time last year when he had forced Lupin to resign his position at Hogwarts. Yet no matter how badly Snape had treated him over the years, Lupin still loved him and forgave him everything. "I love you, Remus," he said softly.
   
Lupin looked a little startled, then he smiled sweetly--with such complete trust and vulnerability, as if he were laying bare his soul, that it took Snape's breath away--and said, "I love you too, Severus." They stared at each other, speechless, for a long moment, then Lupin deliberately lightened the mood by saying, "Now, I believe you were saying something about making me howl...?"
   
Snape grinned and said, "Howl for me, my dear Remus." He kissed Lupin's throat, and Lupin sighed in response. "I want to hear you moan..." Snape bit down sharply on the soft skin of Lupin's throat, then slowly, sensually, sucked on it until he left behind a dark bruise and Lupin obligingly moaned.
   
{Territorial beast,} said Snape's inner voice, but it sounded more amused than mocking.
   
{You're damned right!} Snape agreed, then turned his attention back to Lupin. "I want to hear you cry out," he said, caressing Lupin's chest, then letting his hands slowly drift down Lupin's belly, past his waist...
   
"Ah!" Lupin cried, arching his back.
   
"I want to hear you call out my name," continued Snape, allowing his lips to follow the path his hands had taken, while he teasingly slid his fingers up along Lupin's inner thigh...

***

Sirius sat in his makeshift bedroom, which had once been the basement of Lupin's cottage. It had been cleaned up, but there were still deep scratches carved into the walls--the marks of a werewolf's claws. This was the room Lupin had locked himself in for safekeeping during the full moon, before the Wolfsbane Potion had been invented. Sirius shuddered in sympathy at the thought of his friend rending his own body with his teeth and claws. {Well, at least Snape is good for something,} Sirius thought disgruntledly. {If only for making the potion...}
   
"...Ah!"
   
Suddenly, a sharp cry jerked Sirius's attention away from the book he had been attempting to read. That voice was Lupin's; he sounded like he might be in pain. Sirius dropped the book and reached for his wand; what was that bastard Snape doing to him?!
   
"Ooohhh," Lupin's voice groaned, and Sirius felt his face grow hot, and knew without looking at a mirror that it must be turning beet-red. That was definitely not a groan of pain! He suddenly had a pretty good idea of what Snape must be doing to Lupin, but he did NOT want that image in his mind...
   
"Severus!" Lupin's voice called out, apparently oblivious to Sirius's discomfort. "Oh, Severus!"
   
Sirius scowled up at the ceiling; hadn't they ever heard of silence spells?! He threw himself down on the bed and pulled his pillow over his head, trying to muffle the sounds coming from the bedroom above him. But he it did not quite shut out the loud, rhythmic squeaking of bedsprings--all the furniture in Lupin's house was in various states of disrepair. Sirius scowled and stuffed his fingers in his ears.
   
"Severus! Oh, Severus, please! Oh please...oh yes yes YES!"
   
A lower voice moaned, then panted, "Lupin! I mean, Remus...sweet Remus...you feel so good..."
   
With horror, Sirius realized that was Snape's voice. Please Merlin, he did NOT want to listen to Snape having sex with his best friend!
   
"SEVERUS!" Lupin cried out, then his voice rapidly dissolved into frantic, incoherent moaning, gradually growing louder until it almost sounded like a wolf howling.
   
{That does it!} thought Sirius. He stood up on the bed and banged loudly on the basement ceiling, shouting, "DAMMIT, KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE! HAVEN'T YOU TWO EVER HEARD OF SILENCE SPELLS?!"
   
There was a brief silence, then both Lupin and Snape burst out laughing. If possible, Sirius's face turned even redder, and he wanted to slink away and crawl under a rock in complete and utter humiliation.
   
"If you don't like it, Black," Snape called out in a taunting voice, "you can always look for someplace else to stay!"
   
"Severus!" Lupin scolded in a stern voice, but the effect was ruined when he started giggling.
   
Snape said something that sounded suspiciously like, "Howl for me, Remus." Lupin continued to giggle, and the bedsprings started squeaking again.
   
"AARGH!" Sirius cried out in frustration, then picked up his wand and cast a silence spell on his own room, shutting out the sounds of his friend and his friend's slimy git lover. Blessed quiet fell over the room, but by now Sirius was too steamed to finish his book or go to sleep, and sat on his bed, arms crossed, silently stewing and calling down curses on Snape.

***

Sirius sulked and pouted, avoiding both his friend and Snape for the next few days, which suited Snape just fine. He had thought having Black stay with them for the summer would be a living hell, but Snape found he was actually enjoying himself. It was difficult for him to overcome his normal inhibitions, but he found the effort was well-rewarded, not only by Lupin's gratitude but by the effect it had on Black. All he had to do bend down to kiss Lupin's cheek or nuzzle his neck as he sat reading by the fire, and Black would immediately flee from the room. The usually dour Potions Master found himself walking around with a smirk on his face and a spring in his step. As for Lupin, he was delighted with his lover's newfound affectionate and solicitous behavior, although he was quite aware of the less-than-altruistic motivation behind it. Sirius Black was the only one not happy with the situation.

However, the full moon was due to rise soon, and the mood in the cottage turned more serious. Sirius set aside his anger to be with his friend during his transformation. For his part, Snape also set aside his own attempts to provoke Black as he concentrated on brewing the Wolfsbane Potion for Lupin. It made Sirius very uncomfortable to watch Snape hand Lupin the smoking goblet in a solemn, almost tender manner. Lupin smiled, his fingers brushing against Snape's as he accepted the goblet, then drank down the potion in one gulp. Although it was no longer necessary for him to do so, Sirius transformed into his dog form to keep his friend company.

Snape watched as Black and Lupin transformed. The minor alterations he and Kamiyama had made to the potion last summer seemed to make the transformation easier and less painful, or perhaps it was simply that Lupin had learned to accept and embrace his inner wolf. In any case, the transformation was over quickly, and the large brown wolf got to his feet, giving himself a shake, as if settling into his new skin. The black dog padded over and touched noses affectionately with the wolf, who wagged his tail.
   
Snape was suddenly filled with an irrational sense of jealousy. It was absolutely ridiculous for him to feel left out just because he couldn't transform himself into a furry, four-legged beast! But he felt his fingers curling into fists, his nails biting deeply into his palms, as he watched the two canines bark and greet each other. Finally, when Black-the-dog licked Lupin's face with his pink tongue, Snape could stand it no longer. He lunged forward, shouting, "Get away from him!"
   
Startled, the dog actually backed up a few paces. Then he lowered his head and growled at Snape, baring his teeth. The dog tensed, leaning back as if preparing to pounce, and Snape reached into his robes for his wand.
   
Just then, Lupin leaped in front of Snape and snarled menacingly at Black. The dog looked both startled and hurt, and backed off, making a low noise--halfway between a growl and a whine--deep in his throat. Then the wolf turned to Snape and gave him a reproachful glare. Snape blushed and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Lupin."
   
Lupin licked his hand affectionately, then cocked his head and gave Snape a look that seemed to say, "There's no need to be jealous, you silly git! You know I love you!" He jumped up on his hind legs, placing his front paws against Snape's chest, and attempted to cover his face with wet, wolfish kisses. But Snape was a tall man, and the wolf had to stand up on his toes to reach Snape's face, leaving him slightly off-balance...
   
"Oof! Stop that Lupin, you're too heavy--" Snape stumbled, and they both fell backwards onto the floor with a loud crash. The Potions Master found himself flat on his back, with a large--and very heavy--wolf lying on his chest and staring at him with a look of concern in its blue eyes. Snape glared at Lupin, and that seemed to reassure the wolf that he was all right. Lupin barked happily and licked Snape's face enthusiastically, with long, wet swipes of his tongue. "Stop that, Lupin! Oof! I said cut that out--you're getting wolf drool all over me! Get off!" But he was laughing as he wrestled with the wolf, obviously fighting a losing battle.
   
Sirius lay down across the room, resting his head on his paws, and thought to himself in disgust, {I think I'm going to be sick...}
   
The wolf gave Snape's face one last swipe with his tongue, then rolled off him and allowed him to sit up. As Snape wiped his face on his robes, the wolf rolled over onto his back, throwing back his head to expose his throat and tucking his plumy tail between his hind legs. Sirius froze as he watched that; it was the act of a wolf submitting to a stronger wolf, usually the pack leader. Snape froze as well for a moment, his black eyes unreadable, then to Sirius's surprise and horror, he bent down and kissed the wolf's furry throat. {Oh please, sweet Merlin,} Sirius said silently, offering up a fervent prayer, {please, PLEASE don't let Snape do anything kinky with the wolf! It's bad enough watching them paw each other all the time when Moony's human!}
   
To Sirius's great relief, Snape kept the kiss brief and sat up again. Lupin crawled over and flopped down into his lap--at least as much of him as would fit, which was mainly his head and front legs. Snape stroked the wolf and scratched behind his ears, and Lupin's jaw dropped open in a canine grin as his tail slapped happily against the floor. Sirius watched in disbelief, feeling oddly left out. Was this really Severus Snape, sitting there with a contented smile on his sallow face, scratching Lupin behind the ears as if he were a pet dog? How could Lupin allow it? And what would Snape's Death Eater friends think if they could see him now? {Could Dumbledore and Lupin really be right about Snape?} he wondered. It was too incredible a concept for his mind to grasp right now. Sirius got to his feet and started to leave the room, but then decided not to let Snape drive him away. Even if Lupin didn't really need him anymore, he had promised to stay with his friend tonight, and he would keep his word. He cautiously crept over and lay down near Snape and Lupin. Moony greeted him with a friendly bark; Snape gave him a sour look but did not object.
   
"Just don't expect me to pet YOU," Snape muttered as he continued to stroke Lupin.
   
Sirius just growled quietly. {Don't worry, I wouldn't want your greasy hands anywhere near me!}
   
Lupin gave a short, sharp bark that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. He lay in Snape's lap, basking contentedly in the presence of the two people he loved best.

***

The very next day, Snape left on a mysterious errand; he would tell neither Sirius nor Lupin where he was going. "None of your business," he told Sirius, and to Lupin he said in a less curt tone, "It's better if you don't know."

"Doesn't it bother you, Moony?" Sirius complained. "How do we know he's not going off to contact Voldemort?"

"If he is, no doubt it's at Dumbledore's behest," Lupin replied calmly. "We're all on the same side, remember? I have no doubt of Severus's loyalties."

Sirius scowled. "You're not exactly objective regarding him, Remus," he pointed out.

Lupin just grinned. "But I think we can both agree that Albus doesn't have the, ah, same reason for bias that I do, and he still trusts Severus."

Sirius winced. "Thanks a lot!" he said sarcastically. "Now I've got an image of Snape and Dumbledore in my head..."

"It's not my fault if you have a dirty mind," Lupin retorted. "As for not knowing where he is, of course I am concerned for his safety, but I can't really say that it bothers me. Severus believes he's protecting me by keeping his mission secret, and if it gives him peace of mind, I will abide by that. I don't want him walking into a potentially dangerous situation distracted by thoughts of me. And if, God forbid, the worse should happen, if we should be captured and tortured...well, we cannot tell what we do not know."

"We wouldn't--" Sirius started to protest.

"Anyone can be broken," Lupin replied quietly, a grave expression on his face.

Sirius wondered exactly when his eyes had become so sad and haunted, wondered what had happened to the laughing, mischievous boy he had known in school. Remus did not exactly look bitter and cynical, as Snape did, but there was no childish innocence or naiveté left in him; he looked sad and weary, as if he had seen the very worst that the world had to offer. And why should he not? He suffered from a disease that made him an outcast, despised by the rest of the world; he had lived in poverty for the past nineteen years, save for his brief tenure at Hogwarts; he had seen three of his closest friends apparently murdered, and a fourth imprisoned for betraying them; and he had lost his childhood love...

With horror, Sirius realized that he was responsible for at least part of his friend's pain. It was his fault James and Lily were dead, because he was the one who had persuaded them to make Peter their Secret Keeper. And it was his fault that Snape had turned against Lupin after the Shrieking Shack incident, back when they were teenagers. Snape was a slimy, untrustworthy git, but Lupin had sincerely--if not wisely--loved him. Sirius had honestly thought at the time that he was doing the right thing, but now he wasn't so sure. He'd had no idea that Lupin would be so devastated by the loss of his first love, no idea that he would spend nearly twenty years pining after the miserable bastard. He suddenly remembered Dumbledore telling him, "I fear you have destroyed two lives today," that fateful night. He hadn't cared if he destroyed Snape's life, but he had never meant to destroy Moony's. And...had he destroyed Snape's as well? Would Snape have joined the Death Eaters if Remus had been around to counter Malfoy's influence? Then Sirius quickly shook his head, as if trying to shake those disturbing thoughts from his mind. No matter what Sirius had done, Snape was still responsible for the choices he had made. After all, Sirius and Lupin had been betrayed as well, but neither of them went over to the side of the Dark Wizards...

"And if Voldemort used the Imperius Curse on you," Lupin continued, interrupting Sirius's thoughts, "you would have no choice."

Sirius just grunted, unable to argue with that statement, however little he liked it. Then, although it wasn't really any of his business, he couldn't help blurting out, "How could you do that the other night?" When Lupin just looked at him blankly, he added, "Submit to him, I mean, as a wolf..."

"Because he needed me to," Lupin said softly, his expression still grave, but mixed with tenderness as well.

"I don't understand," Sirius said helplessly.

"Severus has...issues...about control," Lupin said slowly, as if trying to decide how much he should tell Sirius. "You of all people should realize how strictly the typical Slytherin's--or, if you prefer, the typical pureblood's--life is controlled by social hierarchy. Your friends, your occupation, even whom you marry is determined by whom your family is and their station in life. Why do you think Lucius Malfoy had so much control over Slytherin House? His family was so powerful that he could have destroyed any of his classmates with a single word. As a student, Severus's life was controlled by others--by his parents, by Malfoy...I don't think you realize how much courage it took for him to rebel against them by taking up with me, even in secret."

"Hmmph," Sirius grunted, still not convinced; after all, he'd come from a family not unlike Snape's, but he hadn't gone over to the Death Eaters. "So to soothe Snape's ego, you just roll over and tuck your tail between your legs for him?"

If Lupin was offended by Sirius's deliberate rudeness, he didn't show it. "Why not?" he asked lightly. "It doesn't matter to me who's the dominant partner in our relationship." He laughed as Sirius suddenly blushed. The mischievous grin Sirius remembered so well from their boyhood days was back on Lupin's face, but there was a decidedly wicked and adult gleam in his eyes as well. "I was never really the alpha wolf type, Sirius."

Sirius's blush grew deeper. "I can't stand to think of Snape as your pack leader," he grumbled. "Particularly since I'm part of your pack."

"Oh, I don't expect YOU to submit to him," Lupin said, still grinning. "You two will have to fight that out amongst yourselves!"

"If we did, you'd take his side, like you did last night," Sirius grumbled.

"Is that what's really bothering you?" Lupin asked in exasperation. "Honestly, you and Severus are like two small children quarreling over which one of you Mother loves best!" Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but Lupin cut him off. "I'm not taking sides, but I won't let you hurt my mate! Nor would I let him hurt you."

"He started it," Sirius whined, then flushed again, realizing he wasn't exactly doing much to refute Lupin's accusation that he was behaving like a child.

"Severus was wrong to react that way," Lupin said quietly. "But he was jealous. And hurt."

"Jealous?" Sirius asked incredulously. "Of what? That he can't turn into a dog?!"

"Jealous of our closeness," Lupin explained patiently. "He's always been envious of my friendship with you and the others, even when we were boys. He never had a close friendship such as you and I--and James and Peter--shared. He doesn't talk about his family much, but I get the impression that they were not particularly warm and loving. I think he's afraid if I love someone else, such as you, or Harry, there will not be enough room in my heart left for him. That is why he finds you such a threat, Sirius, not because he really believes that you are a murderer."

Sirius just sat there, trying to picture Snape as a lonely, insecure, needy boy instead of a heartless Death Eater. The effort made his head spin; in fact, it was starting to give him a headache.

"Of course I have assured him numerous times of how much I love him. Intellectually, he knows it is true, but deep in his heart, he still fears I might leave him."

{Like he has a heart,} Sirius thought, but Lupin's words disturbed him.

"When I exposed my throat and submitted to Severus," Lupin continued, in that quiet, serious voice, "I was trying to comfort him, trying to reassure him that I loved him."

Sirius was silent for several minutes, lost in thought. Finally he asked, "If you submitted to him in order to comfort him and ease his fears, then doesn't that actually make you the stronger one?"

Lupin laughed gently. "Perhaps, but please don't tell Severus that!" When he saw the sly look on his friend's face, he added sharply, "I mean it, Sirius! If you use these things I have told you in confidence, in an attempt to help you better understand Severus--if you use them as fuel for petty insults, I will consider it a betrayal of my trust! Is that clear, Sirius?"
   
"Yes, Remus," Sirius mumbled, feeling resentful and slightly ashamed of himself.

"We are all supposed to be on the same side," Lupin reminded him. "You don't have to like Severus, but we must all work together. If we fight amongst ourselves, we are only making things easier for Voldemort."

"Yes, yes, I know," Sirius said sullenly. He had already heard this same lecture from Dumbledore several times already.

"Besides," Lupin said softly, "I love you both. I don't wish to see the two people who are dearest to me constantly at odds with each other. I know it's too much to expect you to become friends, but I had hoped you could at least behave civilly towards each other..."

Lupin sighed and Sirius felt guilty. "I'll call a truce if Snape will," he said grumpily. Then he jumped to his feet and paced around the room restlessly. "I wish Dumbledore would contact us! It's driving me crazy just sitting around doing nothing!"

"He'll be in touch soon," Lupin said comfortingly. His words proved to be true, for the Headmaster contacted them the following day about re-forming the Order of the Phoenix...

***

Snape had made contact with the Death Eaters through Lucius Malfoy. He knew from what Lucius had told him, as well as from what Potter had said, that Voldemort was not pleased with him, to say the least. He and Karkaroff had both been branded traitors for failing to answer the Dark Lord's summons. Lucius had agreed to arrange a meeting and try to smooth things over, but warned Snape that he had better show sufficient penitence if wanted to walk out of that meeting alive. Snape felt a certain amount of fear, of course--only a fool would not--but he didn't really think Voldemort would kill him...at least not while he thought Snape might still be of some use to him.

There were only a few Death Eaters in attendance on the Dark Lord that night. They were all robed and masked, of course, but one had a cringing, fawning demeanor, and Snape wondered if that one was Wormtail. Snape instantly dropped to his hands and knees at Voldemort's feet, bowing down until his forehead touched the ground. "Master," he said, as he felt the Mark on his arm burn.

"Severus," Voldemort hissed, and Snape tried not to shudder. "I fear you have disappointed me greatly, you who were once my most promising pupil, you who were once so eager to learn the Dark Arts...I should kill you for not heeding my call that night. But...on the other hand, you are either very brave or very foolish to come here after incurring my anger, and I confess I am intrigued."

"Neither brave nor foolish, my Lord," said Snape, not raising his head from the ground, "but practical. There is no point in trying to escape your vengeance by fleeing, as Karkaroff has, for your wrath will only be greater when you finally apprehend the miscreant, which is inevitable."

Voldemort laughed, a harsh and blood-chilling sound. "You amuse me, Severus. You may rise."

"Thank you, Master," Snape murmured as he got to his feet, still keeping his eyes downcast--partly as a show of humility, and partly to avoid having to look into Voldemort's glowing red eyes.

"Do not thank me yet, Severus," Voldemort said coldly. "I have not yet forgiven you. Practical man that you are, why did you not answer my summons? Surely you knew your loyalty would be in doubt."

"Dumbledore was at my side constantly that night," Snape replied in a respectful tone. "He has watched me carefully ever since the Dark Mark was cast at the Quidditch World Cup. He keeps me around as his pet reformed Death Eater, as proof that his liberal policies are a success, but he is not a complete fool; he has kept me on a short leash. I could not answer your call without Dumbledore realizing where I was going."

"And do you fear Dumbledore more than you fear me?" Voldemort asked in a low voice filled with such menace that all the other Death Eaters, including Lucius, took a step back.

"No, Master," said Snape, dropping back to his knees. "I did not fear him, but rather I feared losing my usefulness to you. If I became openly branded as a Death Eater, I would lose my position at Hogwarts, and you would lose a spy. Have you any other servants positioned so closely to Dumbledore, my Lord?"

"Whom my other servants are is none of your concern!"

"Forgive my impertinence, Master," Snape said humbly, but he knew by the sharpness in Voldemort's voice that he was right. The Dark Lord had no other spies in the castle; if he wanted one, he would have to accept Snape back into the fold.

"Your tongue has become almost as smooth as our dear friend Lucius's," Voldemort said, in a less threatening tone, but still stared down at Snape suspiciously. "But your pragmatism worries me, Severus. You became Dumbledore's pet to save your life, and now you would become mine once more. How do I know you will not change sides yet again?"

"Because you will kill me if I betray you," Snape replied in a level tone.

Voldemort laughed again, and Lucius Malfoy hesitantly took a step forward. "As Head of Slytherin House, Snape has looked after the interests of the pureblood families during his time at Hogwarts, my Lord," Lucius said ingratiatingly. "He has watched over our children, including my son, Draco. If he were removed from his position, his replacement might not be so sympathetic towards us..."

"There is that," Voldemort agreed. "But I can tolerate no disobedience, no matter what the cause. I will forgive you, Severus--this one time--but you must still be punished."

"I will accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate, Master," Snape said without hesitation.

"CRUCIO!" shouted Voldemort, pointing his wand at Snape.

Snape fell to the ground, writhing and screaming in pain. He did not try to hold back his screams; it was physically impossible, and Voldemort would have seen any such attempt as defiance. But he did not plead for mercy, either, for the Dark Lord had none. He did not know how long the agonizing, searing pain went on--it could have been minutes or hours--but his throat was raw and sore from screaming when Voldemort finally lifted his wand and ended the spell.

"You have courage, at least," the Dark Lord said, sounding mildly pleased with him. "He does not grovel or beg for mercy like some others we know...don't you agree, Wormtail?"

"Yes, Master," the cringing figure said in a whiny tone, and though he had not heard it in years, Snape recognized the voice--and the whine--as Peter Pettigrew's.

{So Lupin was right,} Snape thought heavily as he lay on the ground gasping for breath. {Black really was innocent...} But the knot of hatred and bitterness in his heart did not loosen; he still could not forgive Black for destroying his relationship with Lupin all those years ago...

"Welcome back, Severus," Voldemort said with a smile that was even more terrifying than his anger, and Snape pushed all thoughts of Black and Lupin out of his mind for now; he could not afford to be distracted. "But mind you do not misplace your loyalty again..."

"Never, Master," Snape said, pushing himself up onto his hands and knees. He crawled over to Voldemort and kissed the hem of his robe. "Thank you, Master."

"You may rise, Severus. Now come, I wish to hear what my old enemy has been doing all these years. And Lucius tells me that the son of my late, faithful servant Evan Rosier is a student at Hogwarts...I want to hear all about him; if he is worthy, you must groom him to follow in his father's footsteps..."

***

With a loud crack, Snape Apparated back into Lupin's living room. Lupin stared at him in concern, and Sirius in alarm, because Snape was paler than usual--he looked like a walking corpse, and his face was haggard; the light from the fireplace cast flickering shadows that made the lines on his face look even deeper than normal. But it was the look in his eyes that was the most disturbing--they looked haunted, filled with despair and horror.

"Severus!" Lupin cried, jumping up from his chair and running over to him. "Are you all right?"

"Lupin," Snape croaked in a hoarse whisper, and the other two men looked even more alarmed. His voice had a painfully raspy quality to it, not unlike that of someone with a very bad cold, as if his throat were raw from coughing--or screaming. Then to Sirius's complete astonishment, Snape took Lupin in his arms and held him tightly, burying his face in Lupin's hair. This was not like the times he had taunted Sirius by kissing or touching Lupin in front of him; rather, it was the act of a man clinging to an anchor in sheer desperation, for fear he might be swept away by a storm...

"Remus," Snape whispered, clinging to his lover desperately, digging his fingers into Lupin's flesh so hard that he must be leaving bruises, but he couldn't seem to stop himself and Lupin didn't complain. The Mark on Snape's arm throbbed dully, and his body still twinged with echoes of pain from the Cruciatus Curse, but what bothered him most of all was that he felt...dirty. Voldemort had not physically touched him, but he felt as if he were covered in filth, as if he would never be able to wash the taint of the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters off his skin. He should not be touching Remus with his unclean hands, but his lover was the only thing standing between him and a descent into madness. He held Lupin even more tightly, and pressed his face against Lupin's hair, feeling its smooth softness beneath his cheek, and tried to forget Voldemort's glowing red eyes, tried to forget the humiliation of crawling to his former master on his hands and knees to kiss the hem of his robe... He pulled back slightly so he could look into Lupin's eyes, seeing pale blue instead of crimson, seeing love and concern instead of the Dark Lord's malevolence and the Death Eaters' fawning fear. The look in Lupin's eyes was pure and sweet, like a taste of clean, clear water after swimming in muck. "Remus, please," he whispered, and kissed Lupin hungrily. He knew Black was watching, and later he would probably be angry at himself for letting his old enemy see him in such a state of weakness, but right now nothing mattered but his need to obliviate--if only for a short time--the memory of Voldemort and his Death Eaters, and the role Snape would have to play among them in the days--and possibly years--to come.

"Please, Remy, please," Snape whispered urgently, pulling an unresisting Lupin down to the floor with him. Sirius quietly left the room, not because he was angry or disgusted, as he had been the first time he had overheard them making love, but because he felt intensely uncomfortable seeing Snape without his usual masks, with all his pain and need laid bare. Sirius felt somehow embarrassed, as if he had accidentally seen Snape naked. {Oh great,} he thought to himself as he headed to his room in the basement. {Like I want THAT image in my head...!}

Lupin was relieved that Sirius left the room without arguing or even making a sarcastic comment. Severus was the one who needed him right now, and he didn't have time to play referee or soothe Padfoot's hurt ego. What disturbed Lupin even more than Severus's haunted eyes was the fact that he kept whimpering, "Please, Remy, please," as he tore at Lupin's clothes and covered the exposed flesh with hungry kisses, and Lupin's mind kept worrying even as his body responded to his lover's hands and lips. "Please" was simply not a word in Severus Snape's vocabulary; Lupin could probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he had heard Severus say the word aloud, and he rarely used it lightly. And Severus never called him anything but "Lupin" or "Remus." Occasionally he used Lupin's old nickname "Moony," but only in sarcasm, when he was angry. But he never, ever used the affectionate diminutive "Remy." Lupin wasn't sure why; perhaps because that was what Peter, James, and Sirius had called him, and Severus either didn't want to be reminded of them, or didn't feel he had the right to use that special nickname with Lupin. Or perhaps it was simply his naturally formal manner; Lupin never tried to shorten Severus's name to "Sev" or "Sevie" because he remembered how much Severus had hated that in school. But, whatever the reason, the only time Severus had ever called him "Remy" was that night in the Shrieking Shack, when Lupin--with no Wolfsbane Potion yet available to keep him sane--had attacked Severus in his wolf form. And Severus had struggled with the wolf, whimpering, "please, Remy, please," in that same pleading tone. It had been that soft, desperate voice that restored Lupin to sanity long enough for James to save Severus. And no matter how much Severus hated James for that, Lupin would always be grateful to him, for saving the life of his beloved. But Severus had never called him by that name again, until now, and there was just as much fear and need in his voice as there had been then.

He now knew where Severus had gone: as he had suspected, Severus must have made contact with the Death Eaters; surely nothing else could have affected him this way. After all the lectures Lupin had given both Severus and Sirius about respect and choices, he suddenly wanted to go to Dumbledore and forbid him to let Severus continue to spy for him. Was even the laudable goal of saving the world worth the cost, if the price was Severus's soul? {I'm sorry,} he silently apologized to Severus, having newfound sympathy for his lover's decision to protect him from the Death Eaters by rejecting him fourteen years ago.

"I love you, Severus," he said, reaching up to caress Snape's face, and he saw a little sanity flicker back into his lover's black eyes. Snape was too frantic, too needy to be gentle with Lupin, but he responded to the gentleness in Lupin's touch, seeming to crave it. So Lupin responded to each bruising kiss, each sharp love-bite, and each painfully tight embrace with a tender caress, a gentle kiss, and a whispered endearment.

Before he knew what was happening, Snape found himself making love to Lupin right on the living room floor. A very small corner in the back of his mind, the only part of him not overwhelmed by fear and need and lust, sincerely hoped that Black had left the room. He thrust hard into Lupin, literally trying to drown himself in his lover's body. He was too desperate to be gentle, and he hoped he wasn't hurting Lupin, although he suspected he was--he could already see bruises forming on Lupin's shoulders, where his hands were clamped down, as if he were afraid Lupin might vanish if he let go. But he couldn't stop himself, and Lupin didn't protest. Lupin whispered, "I love you," and wrapped his arms and legs around Snape, drawing him close in a firm, yet gentle embrace. Snape moaned as he looked into Lupin's eyes, seeing the wolf's hunger and the man's tenderness. "It's all right, Severus," Lupin whispered reassuringly. "I want you, I need you." He arched his back, lifting his body to meet Snape's, rather than pulling away, and Snape took his lover at his word and let go of his self-control. He crushed Lupin's mouth with his own until he tasted blood on his lips, continued thrusting into Lupin with hard, frenzied strokes, and held Lupin as tightly as he could, his fingers clutching convulsively and digging deep into Lupin's flesh, as if Snape were trying to sink right through his lover's skin and become one with him. He heard Lupin cry out, in pain, in pleasure, or both. He felt Lupin come a moment later, which triggered his own climax, an overwhelming wave of ecstasy that coursed through his body, banishing any trace of rational thought...

Much later, when Snape found he could think clearly--or just think at all--again, he found himself lying beside Lupin on the floor in front of the fireplace. "This is getting to be a habit," he said in the hoarse whisper that was all his throat could manage right now, recalling the time they had made love in this very same spot last summer, shortly before school had started. Come to think of it, Lupin had been trying to comfort him and keep his demons at bay back then, as he had just now. And Snape found that he did indeed feel better; he was still shaken by his encounter with Voldemort, but that horrible feeling of despair was gone, and he felt almost clean again.

Lupin smiled at him and said, "I'm glad you feel well enough to joke, Severus."

Snape saw with a start that Lupin's lower lip was swollen and oozing a thin trickle of blood. Guiltily, he examined his lover's body, and found dark bruises in the places he had been holding Lupin earlier, on his waist and back and especially his shoulders. "I'm so sorry," he said apologetically, as he gently kissed each bruise and, very carefully, Lupin's bloody lip. "I didn't mean to..."

"It's all right, Severus," Lupin assured him with an amused smile. "Werewolves are quite resilient." When Snape still looked anxious, he added, "And besides, the wolf likes it when you're rough," then blushed furiously.

Snape couldn't help but chuckle at that, even though it hurt his throat. "My shy, wanton little werewolf," he crooned, kissing Lupin again, although he was still careful to be gentle. "I thought you liked tenderness too, though...?"

"Oh, I do," Lupin said hastily, still blushing. "I like it both ways." Then his face turned even redder as Snape grinned wickedly at his unintended double-entendre. "What I mean to say is, ah...variety is the spice of life, right?"

"You're so cute when you blush, Lupin," Snape said, still grinning, and Lupin laughed. Snape smiled fondly at his lover. Lupin had always found it easy to laugh at himself; he never seemed to worry much about his pride or looking foolish. Sometimes he wished he could be more like Lupin... "I love you, Remus," he said, more seriously. Although he still found the words difficult to say, he resolved to say them more often. He could be killed at any time, after all, and he didn't want to die without having told Remus how much he loved him.

"I love you too, Severus," Lupin said softly. He reached out and ran his fingers across the Mark on Snape's left arm, which still looked painfully dark. "I understand now, why you felt you had to protect me, after Voldemort fell the first time," he said solemnly. "Because I feel the same urge myself now, to protect you." Snape opened his mouth and Lupin quickly added, "I know I can't stop you from doing what you must, and I know you can make no promises, but please..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "Please try to come home safely to me, Severus."

"Always, Remus," Snape whispered back, lifting Lupin's hand to his lips, tenderly kissing the fingers that had just caressed the Dark Mark on his arm. "Do you know why I turned against the Death Eaters and became a spy for Dumbledore?" he asked suddenly.

"Because it was the right thing to do," Lupin replied automatically.

"You always had such faith in me, Lupin," Snape said, smiling a little sadly. "Even when I didn't deserve it. Yes, my conscience bothered me...but I think it bothered me because of you. Because I wanted to be the kind of man who was worthy of your love, even though I had lost you and never expected to get you back."

Lupin stared at him in shock. Although he thought he understood Severus pretty well, his lover still had the capacity to surprise him at the most unexpected moments... "I...you..." he stammered. "You didn't have to do that! I would never have asked--"

Snape gently placed a finger against his lips. "I know. I chose to do it. Don't blame yourself."

"You are such an idiot, Severus," Lupin said, but his tone was affectionate. "Suffering in silence all those years! I would have taken you back at any time--"

"I know," Snape said almost meekly. "That I was an idiot, I mean. But Albus often likes to point out that I can be extremely stubborn..."

"Yes, you are," Lupin agreed, but he was not really angry, in spite of all those wasted years. He was just grateful to have Severus back at all; it was more than he had ever dreamed was possible after that night in the Shrieking Shack. He would not waste time bemoaning the past, but simply treasure every moment they had together now. "Come," he said, rising to his feet and holding out a hand to Snape. "It's late, and you're tired. Come to bed; we have much to discuss, but it can wait till tomorrow."

Snape took Lupin's hand and let the other man pull him up. Then he bent down to gather their discarded robes, and glanced around the room, suddenly remembering that he had never noticed Black leaving it.

Lupin seemed to read his thoughts and smiled. "Don't worry," he said in a dry voice. "Sirius left before the first articles of clothing started coming off. I think he would rather be tortured by Death Eaters than have to watch us make love. Although I'm not sure why you're so concerned, seeing as how you've become something of an exhibitionist lately..."

"Don't make me laugh, Lupin; my throat hurts," Snape said, and let his lover lead him to bed.

Part 2