FIC: Phoenix Rising, Part 15 of 37

[geri_chan]

Title: Phoenix Rising, Part 15 of 37
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Word count: ~9,030
Warning: AU; my own version of Year 6 (was written pre-HBP).
Author's notes: {} Indicates character's unspoken thoughts
Disclaimer: No money is being made off this story; consider it a little wish fulfillment on my part.
Sequel to: Always (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6), Summer Vacation (Part 1, Part 2), For Old Time's Sake (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5), Three's a Crowd (or, Summer Vacation II) (Part 1, Part 2), Return of the Raven (Part 1, Part 2), Phoenix Reborn (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8)
Summary: Sirius tries to apologize to Snape for the Shrieking Shack prank, but Snape isn't willing to accept his apology.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14

***

Lupin picked up the tray and he and Snape quietly left the room. Snape, looking weary and haunted, said, "How the hell does he know about the Death Strike spell?"

"I'm afraid I put the idea into his head," Lupin admitted, his blue eyes filled with guilt. "When we were talking about his father during detention, I didn't realize that he hadn't been told the full story behind Evan's death, and I sort of let it slip..."

"Damn it, Lupin," Snape said, but there was no real heat behind his words.

Lupin said remorsefully, "I'm sorry, Severus, I really am. He already knew what a Death Strike spell was, though. I think he knows a great deal more about the Dark Arts than he lets on."

"I'm not surprised," Snape grumbled. "Ariane was practically an honorary Death Eater herself. Besides, most Slytherins have a habit of learning things they're not supposed to." He sighed. "It's my fault the Death Eaters got to him, anyway; if I'd kept a closer eye on him to begin with, Lucius Malfoy wouldn't have--"

"As you said, Severus," Lupin interrupted, "what's done is done. There's plenty of blame to go around. Evan, for joining the Death Eaters in the first place. Ariane, for keeping Lucius Malfoy's visit to her a secret from her uncle. And most of all, Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort for using a child as a pawn to further their own ambitions."

Snape winced at the mention of the Dark Lord's name and fell silent. He followed Lupin to the kitchen, where they left the tray and dirty dishes in the sink. Sirius was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast; there was a bandage around his right wrist.

"How's the boy?" Sirius asked.

"Like you care," Snape muttered.

Lupin shot him a dirty look, then answered Sirius, "Physically, he's fine. Emotionally, well...he's been through a lot. He's sleeping right now. How are you feeling, Sirius?"

"Fine, considering that your friend drained a bucketload of blood out of me last night." Snape started to open his mouth, and Sirius said, "Take it easy, Snape, I was just joking. I was a little woozy last night, Moony, but I'm fine now."

Lupin smiled. "Thank you, Sirius, for helping Dylan last night."

Sirius looked uncomfortable. "Uh, no problem."

Lupin gave Snape an expectant look; Snape scowled. "If you're waiting for me to thank Black, you'll be waiting for a very long time, Lupin."

Lupin heaved a sigh, in that long-suffering way of his. "He did help heal Dylan--"

"He didn't do it for Dylan's sake," Snape snapped. "And I didn't ask him to do it."

"Severus--"

"Never mind, Remy," Sirius said. "God forbid Snape should be polite to me; the world might come to an end."

"Look who's talking," Snape sneered. "It's not like you ever thanked me for saving your worthless life."

"Well, I didn't ask you to save me--"

"Enough!" Lupin shouted, throwing his arms up in the air, and the other two men jumped. "If you two want to fight, go right ahead! I'm too tired to play referee right now; I'm going back to bed." He turned on his heel and stalked off, leaving his friend and his lover staring after him with their mouths hanging open.

Sirius sat there toying with his breakfast, looking uneasy and a little guilty. Snape stood there for a moment, then started to leave, but Sirius called out, "Snape, wait!"

Snape turned and scowled at him. "What is it?" he snapped. Sirius stood, but hesitated, shuffling his feet awkwardly, looking like a student about to confess some misdeed. "I haven't got all day, Black!"

"You were right," Sirius mumbled.

"What?" Snape asked, sounding irritated and confused.

"I said you were right," Sirius said in a louder voice, sounding rather irritated himself. "I never thanked you for saving my life. So..." He took a deep breath and swallowed hard, as if working the courage to perform a particularly dangerous and loathsome task. "Thank you for saving my life."

Snape's mouth dropped open again as Sirius's face turned red. After gaping at him dumbly for a minute or two, Snape recovered and snarled, "You can save your thanks, Black; I didn't do it for you, I did it for Lupin! If Remus weren't so softhearted that your death would cause him undue distress, believe me, I would have let you die!" He took a deep breath himself, then regained control over his emotions, and said in a cold, haughty voice, "So rest assured, Black, that I need no thanks from you. Now, if that will be all..."

"Wait!"

"Now what?!"

Sirius still looked as if he had a very unpleasant duty to perform. "I suppose I might as well get it over with all at once," he mumbled.

"Did you have something you wanted to say to me, or are you just going mutter to yourself all morning? I swear, Black, sometimes I think the Dementors did permanent damage to your brain--"

"You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?" Sirius muttered resentfully.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Black, but I see no reason why I should make anything easy for--"

"Will you shut up for just one minute, Snape?!" Sirius shouted.

Snape glowered at Sirius, but fell silent, crossed his arms, and waited expectantly.

Sirius took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, then said, "Look, I'm trying to apologize."

"For what?" Snape asked, still angry, but genuinely confused.

Sirius flushed and stared down at his feet. "For sending you to the Shrieking Shack that night. For trying to break up you and Remy." Snape stared at him, rendered speechless with shock. "I already apologized to Moony," Sirius continued, glancing up at Snape, "but he said I owed you an apology as well, and he was right. So...I apologize. I had no right to do that, to try and come between you, and I almost got both of you killed. I'm sorry."

Snape turned white, then red, and he looked absolutely furious. "'I'm sorry'?" he echoed incredulously. "For 'trying' to break us up? You didn't just try, Black, you succeeded! Do you think that an 'I'm sorry' makes up for all the years we spent apart?! Do you think it makes up for twenty years of bitterness and misery and loneliness--" Both his voice and his body were shaking, and he abruptly stopped his tirade, realizing that he was losing control and exposing himself to Black, the very last person, apart from Voldemort, that he wanted to show his weaknesses to. He panted heavily, trying to regain control of himself, reciting, {Control, control, control,} in his head over and over again, like a mantra. "You have no idea," Snape finally hissed, "what you put us through. I don't expect you to give a damn about me, but you have no idea how much Remus suffered all those years. What you did to him, your supposed best friend, is unforgivable." Snape laughed mirthlessly. "You're just as bad as your godson, Black, but at least he has the excuse of being too young to know any better. I'll tell you what I told him: 'I'm sorry' doesn't magically make everything all right. Two simple words don't erase twenty years' worth of pain."

Snape walked up to Sirius and leaned in close until their faces were barely more than an inch apart, his black eyes narrowed and filled with such hatred that Sirius found himself taking a step back. "I will never, ever forgive you, Black," Snape breathed, then abruptly turned and walked out of the room, his black robes swirling around him.

***

Lupin had fallen into bed fully clothed, too tired to take off anything but his shoes. He had not gotten much sleep the night before, but he was rather irritated at Severus and Sirius for continuing with their petty quarrels at a time like this, and that made it hard to sleep. Just as he had begun to doze off, he felt someone climb into the bed with him.

"Sev?" he asked sleepily. He felt Severus's arms wrap around him, and he started to snuggle against his lover, but it seemed that Severus wanted to do more than cuddle, because his hands began caressing Lupin's body and fumbling with his robes. "Severus?" Lupin asked, startled. In response, Severus kissed him hard, his tongue sliding between Lupin's lips. Lupin found himself returning the kiss, then gasped with pleasure--no longer feeling sleepy--as Severus's hands pushed aside his clothing and encountered bare skin. "Severus!" Lupin giggled nervously. "What's gotten into you? Dylan's right in the next room!"

"The spell will keep him asleep for at least a few hours," Snape said in a husky voice. "I need you, Remy, please."

Lupin looked into his lover's black eyes, and saw something there he had not seen since the first time he and Severus had kissed after Lupin had returned to Hogwarts three years ago, when Severus could no longer deny his desire, but had not yet forgiven Lupin: a mixture of anger, need, and desperation. "What's wrong, Severus?" he asked anxiously.

Snape shook his head impatiently. "Later. I'll explain later. Right now I need you. Please." Then he looked a bit shamefaced. "Sorry. I didn't mean to just jump on you while you're sleeping, but...I need you." He kissed Lupin again, hungrily.

"It's all right, Sev," Lupin said gently, running his hands through Severus's hair. Then, hiding his concern, he grinned and said, "I don't mind putting off sleep for this." Despite Severus's assurances about Dylan remaining asleep, Lupin reached for his wand and cast a silence spell, just in case. Then he surrendered himself to his lover's embrace.

In the midst of their lovemaking, Snape panted, "Say you love me, Remus." It was half-plea, half-command.

"I love you, Sev," Lupin gasped obligingly, "I love you so much!"

"More than anyone."

"More than anyone," Lupin echoed, knowing he should be worried by the way this conversation was going--by the fact that they were having a conversation at all!--but the wolf was too aroused and caught up in the moment to care right now.

"More than Black!" Snape insisted, and there was an intense look in his black eyes that had nothing to do with lust and everything to do with hatred and jealousy.

"Severus," Lupin said, alarm beginning to break through the haze of desire.

"Say it!" Snape shouted, now looking frantic and close to hysteria.

"I love you, Severus, more than anyone, more than Sirius," Lupin said helplessly, not knowing what else to do. Severus seemed satisfied with that and resumed his lovemaking with renewed fervor. The part of Lupin that was the wolf howled with pleasure, while the part that was the man was sick with worry. But he could not control his body's response, and besides, Severus needed this, needed him, so there was nothing to do but give in and ride out this wave of passion to the end...

Afterwards, they lay next to each other in silence, as Lupin tried to catch his breath and compose his thoughts. "Severus," he said tentatively, reaching out to touch his lover's arm, still not knowing exactly what he was going to say.

Snape turned to face him and his black eyes were sane again, and he looked very ashamed of himself. "Oh God, Remus, I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I can't believe I did that."

"I love you, Severus," Lupin said sadly. "I don't know what else I can do to convince you of that. I have tried to put you first, Severus, I swear I have..."

"I know, Remus," Snape interrupted. "And I should never have forced you to make that promise," he added remorsefully, referring to the plea he had made to Lupin the day he had saved Black's life, to be first in Lupin's heart, above Black and Potter. His mouth twisted in something that tried, and failed, to be a smile. "I know it's not in your nature to choose between the people you love, and I keep trying to force you to choose between Black and me. You're generous and compassionate, and that's why I love you, yet I keep trying to make you as small-minded and petty as I am." He laughed bitterly. "The irony of it is, if you really were like me, I would never have fallen in love with you."

Lupin gently stroked Severus's cheek. "I had already made the choice," he said softly, "before you asked me to say the words." Severus looked confused. "I tried to stop you from saving Sirius," Lupin reminded him, although the memory pained him, and he knew it had hurt Sirius when he had found out. "Sirius is my dearest friend, but I just couldn't bear to lose you again. My heart made the choice for me without my even thinking about it. I chose you."

"Remus," Snape whispered, his eyes filled with guilt, tenderness, and awe. He pulled Lupin close and held him tightly. Lupin felt a tremor run through his lover's body. "I'm sorry, Remus. I'm sorry that I keep forcing you to prove your love for me. I know you love me, I really do, I just..." Snape's voice trailed off.

"It's all right, Severus," Lupin said gently. "But I thought...I felt like we had grown closer together over the summer." And the bond between them had grown stronger, with Severus seeming much more content and less insecure, up until now. "What happened to upset you so much? Did you have a fight with Sirius?"

Snape scowled, looking more like his cranky old self. "Black apologized to me," he growled.

"What?" Lupin said, not sure he had heard correctly.

"Black apologized to me," Snape repeated in a louder voice. "For the Shrieking Shack."

"He did?" Lupin was shocked, but he felt proud of his friend for finally having the courage to admit he was wrong, and pleased that Sirius was finally showing some maturity. Then he frowned; why should that bother Severus so much? Lupin might be an idealist, but he wasn't stupid; he didn't really expect his lover to suddenly become friends with Sirius, he didn't even expect Severus to actually accept the apology, but he wouldn't have expected this strong of a reaction. "But...that's good, isn't it? I mean, I don't really expect you to forgive him, but--"

"An apology doesn't make up for what he did!" Snape snapped. "It doesn't make up for all those years--" His voice suddenly choked up and he couldn't continue.

"Severus," Lupin said, alarmed.

"It hurt so much," Snape said in a hoarse voice. "All those years without you, missing you, wanting you...hating you. Hating myself." Unshed tears glittered in his eyes.

"Severus," Lupin whispered.

"I can never forgive Black for that," Snape said, the anger creeping back into his eyes. "I can never forgive him for all the years we spent apart. And for him to waltz in and think he can make everything all right with an 'I'm sorry'--"

"I don't think that's what he--"

"If you want to forgive him, that's your business, Lupin," Snape continued. "It probably makes you a better person than me. But I will never forgive him, not even for your sake!"

"Sirius apologized to me also," Lupin said, "before we left for Hogwarts. He knows that saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't make up for what he did, but he wanted to acknowledge the harm he did to us both."

"I don't care!" Snape shouted. "Tell him to keep his apologies to himself; I don't want them!"

"You don't have to forgive him, Severus," Lupin said gently. "But are you sure that you aren't really mad at someone else?"

Snape flushed. "At myself, you mean, for being too stubborn to forgive you--"

"No," Lupin said softly. "At me."

Snape looked up, startled. "I don't blame you. Well, not anymore--"

"But I blame myself," Lupin said quietly, "for not trying harder. For letting you go. For giving up on you--twice. Once after the Shrieking Shack, and once after you sent my letter back to me during the trials."

"But that's not your fault," Snape protested. "I'm the one who kept pushing you away--"

"But I gave up too easily," Lupin replied gravely. "I should have kept trying. If necessary--" Lupin smiled a little. "--I should have planted myself on your doorstep and refused to leave."

"It might have ruined my cover," Snape pointed out, beginning to smile himself, "to have a lovesick werewolf camping outside my door."

"And it was particularly stupid of me to send you a letter," Lupin added. "I should have come in person, so that you couldn't dismiss me so easily, but I was too much of a coward. I was afraid to see the hatred in your eyes."

"I'm sorry, Remus," Snape said, then looked very uncomfortable. "I suppose it's a bit hypocritical of me," he admitted reluctantly, "to not forgive Black, when I have treated you just as badly, if not worse, and yet you always forgive me."

"Well, that's because I love you," Lupin said, kissing him lightly on the lips. "And we have all made mistakes in the past, myself included. You don't have to forgive Sirius for my sake; no one can force you to change the way you feel. It will come with time, if it comes at all, and that's not what concerns me, anyway. I just don't like to see those old feelings eating away at you like this."

"I love you, Remus," Snape said, gently brushing Lupin's hair back from his face, then letting his fingers trail down Lupin's cheek and across his lips. "Though I'm not sure why you put up with me sometimes."

"You are brave and honorable and loyal," Lupin said solemnly, then suddenly grinned mischievously. "Plus there is the little fact that you're really great in bed." Severus burst out laughing, and a relieved Lupin laughed along with him. "You did say that spell should keep Dylan asleep for a few hours, didn't you...?" Lupin said in a low voice, trying to imitate that throaty, sexy purr of Severus's; he didn't quite succeed, but it had the intended effect, which was all that mattered.

"Yes, indeed," Snape replied, pulling Lupin closer. "Do you know what 'little fact' I like about you?" he purred.

{Nothing like the real thing,} Lupin thought to himself with a grin as that sound sent little shivers up and down his spine. "No, what?" he asked aloud.

"The fact that you're insatiable," Snape purred into Lupin's ear, and Lupin shivered again. Snape laughed wickedly. "One of the advantages of having a werewolf for a lover!"

Lupin growled playfully, baring his teeth. "So show the wolf that you're not just all talk, Professor Snape!"

"You know, Lupin," Snape said with a sly grin, "it kind of turns me on to hear you call me 'Professor' in bed."

"Professor Snape," Lupin said, nipping at his neck, "the wolf requires your attention right now."

"Then I will do my duty by Hogwarts," Snape said, still grinning. "Though perhaps I should ask the Headmaster for hazard pay--"

"Now!" Lupin growled impatiently.

Snape laughed, then kissed Lupin, and they made love again, this time in joy rather than desperation.

***

"Ungrateful bastard," Sirius muttered as Snape stormed out of the room, but it was more reflex than anything else; he was much more shaken than angry. He had not by any stretch of the imagination expected Snape to forgive him--this was Snape they were talking about, after all!--but neither had he anticipated this reaction. He had expected Snape to sneer, perhaps, that he didn't want Sirius's apology, or maybe even a "Bugger off, Black! I only put up with you because the Headmaster ordered me to!" What he had not expected was to see such raw pain along with the hatred in Snape's black eyes. The hatred, Sirius could understand, and put up with. But it shocked and unnerved him to realize that the pain of the Shrieking Shack incident was still as fresh for Snape as it had been twenty years ago.

Suddenly Sirius recalled what the Headmaster had said to him that night: "I fear you have destroyed two lives today"--meaning Lupin's and Snape's. Sirius had felt regret for what he had done to Lupin, but up until recently, he had felt none for Snape. Snape was a Slytherin, after all, and Slytherins were all no good...weren't they? He had not believed that Snape really loved Lupin--but for the first time, he realized that there was no other logical explanation for the pair's covert romance. If Snape had just wanted to get laid, there were other options available to a wealthy pureblood, even one as unpleasant and unattractive as Snape. And Snape had nothing to gain by taking Lupin as a lover, for Lupin had several strikes against him: he was a poverty-stuck male Gryffindor werewolf. Despite the rivalry between the Houses, Evan Rosier had gained some status in the eyes of most of his male classmates by winning the heart of the beautiful Ariane Donner, but Snape would only have lost status in Slytherin House if his affair with Lupin had been revealed. The blood-conscious Slytherins would have scorned anyone who slept with someone they considered a nonhuman and little better than a beast, no matter how handsome he was. The "he" was an issue too; plenty of wizards, both male and female, took lovers of the same sex, but it was considered to be in poor taste to flaunt such a lover in the public eye. The elite of the wizarding world were obsessed with status and blood purity, and that meant making marriages and having children with someone of the proper bloodline; love and sexual preference usually didn't enter into the matter. If you were lucky, your parents chose a bride or groom that you could like, or at least tolerate; if not, well, once a suitable heir or two had been produced, no one would object if you turned your attentions elsewhere, so long as you were discreet about it. But fail to do your duty, by taking openly taking an inappropriate lover, by refusing to produce an heir--or worse, by producing a half-Muggle heir, like Tonks's mother--and you would find yourself an outcast in society. Not that Sirius cared about such things, but Snape had seemed to, at least when they were students.

So...Snape loved Lupin; Sirius could no longer deny it. He had seen the pain in Snape's eyes, seen him visibly tremble with emotion, Snape who was always so cold and in control of himself. And his words were significant, too; he had not said, "'I'm sorry' doesn't make up for your trying to kill me," he had said, "Do you think that an 'I'm sorry' makes up for all the years we spent apart?! Do you think it makes up for twenty years of bitterness and misery and loneliness?" {Remus was right,} Sirius thought to himself in consternation. Lupin had once told him, "Do you know why Severus really hates you, Sirius? It's not because you almost got him killed; or at least, that's only a small part of it. He hates you because you took me away from him, because he thought I chose you over him." And finally, Sirius believed him. He still did not like Snape, and probably never would, but finally, Sirius realized that he had hurt Snape as badly as he had hurt Remus.

That realization made Sirius feel small and petty. Although he had never been in love with someone the way Snape and Lupin were apparently in love with each other, he had an inkling of what Snape must have gone through. "Twenty years of bitterness and misery and loneliness": Sirius had spent twelve bitter, lonely years in Azkaban, believing that he had been betrayed by his best friend--which of course he had. He had just been mistaken about which friend had betrayed him. He felt ashamed that he had put another human being--even Snape--through such misery. He would have offered Snape another apology, if he thought Snape would accept it, but that would probably just make things worse. He remembered Branwen telling him once that some things could not be mended by mere words; now he realized how right she was. There would be no absolution for Sirius; he would have to live with what he had done, and its consequences. One of those consequences being that he had helped set Snape on the road to becoming a Death Eater--as Branwen had once told him, though he had refused to listen at the time--by taking away the one person who might have been able to dissuade him from joining. And another consequence being that he had caused great pain to one of his dearest friends. Snape was right about that too, damn him; what he had done to Remus was unforgivable, even though Moony had, of course, forgiven him.

Sirius sighed wearily. He could not undo the past; all he could do was to try and atone for his mistakes. Helping to heal Dylan Rosier was a good start, but Sirius suspected that it would take much more than a few liters of blood to even begin to make up for all the harm he had caused...

He felt a small, leathery hand touch his, and looked around with a start. The kitchen was still empty, but there was a steaming cup of tea sitting on the table, along with with a currant-studded tea cake. Sirius smiled to himself, his gloomy mood retreating just a little. Tea and sweets, that was Hob's answer to everything--well, along with Sirius finding a wife and making some babies for the hob to look after. Sirius sat down at the table and took a sip of tea; it didn't solve any of his problems, but it did make him feel a little better.

***

Several hours later, Sirius stood outside Snape's bedroom door, feeling a little uncomfortable. Snape had departed to give the Headmaster a detailed report, and to talk to Dylan's mother and "face the music" (as he put it). Facing the family of the boy he had endangered was obviously the last thing Snape wanted to do, but still, he did it. Sirius grudgingly respected him for it, although when he had pointed out that Branwen and the Headmaster had already contacted the Donners and assured them that Dylan was safe, Snape had replied in his usual disdainful, sarcastic voice, "I have a certain duty as Head of Slytherin to see to my students' safety, Black, and I gave Ariane my word that I would look after Dylan personally. But I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand concepts such as 'responsibility' and 'honor.'" {Snarky bastard,} Sirius thought to himself. Although it was the typical sort of insult Snape automatically threw his way, and which Sirius usually brushed off, this time it stung, because he was aware that he had not behaved very responsibly since he had gotten out of Azkaban. Well, to be truthful, he had never been very responsible, ever. While Snape, on the other hand, though he complained loudly and bitterly about his unpleasant duties (the most unpleasant being teaching Harry and having to put up with Sirius, apparently), still carried out those duties: teaching, spying, reporting to the Order. He was a bit chagrined to realize that Snape was the one behaving like a responsible grown-up while Sirius was an unemployed former fugitive who had spent most of the past year doing little more than keeping house.

Sirius sighed and shook his head, trying to shake those unpleasant thoughts out of his mind, and knocked on the door. Lupin had sent him to fetch Dylan down for supper, not to stand around ruminating about Snape.

"Come in," a voice called.

Sirius opened the door and walked in. Dylan was up and dressed in his school uniform; Hob must have mended and cleaned it for him. The boy looked surprised; he had probably been expecting Snape or Lupin. "Oh, hello, Mr. Black."

Sirius smiled. "When I hear that name, I think people are talking about my father, not me. Just call me Sirius."

The boy gave him a tentative smile. "I should thank you for helping Professor Snape to heal me, sir. I know it's a dangerous spell--"

Was this polite child really the son of Evan Rosier, whose charm was matched only by his insolence, who had rarely gone for more than a week or two at a time without getting into trouble for some prank? Sirius couldn't help himself, he laughed out loud. The boy looked hurt and a little wary, and Sirius hastily explained, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you. It's just funny to hear someone calling me 'sir,' especially Evan Rosier's son."

"You knew my father?" Dylan asked eagerly, his face lighting up.

"Um...yeah, sort of," Sirius replied awkwardly, cursing himself for mentioning Evan's name. What the hell was he supposed to say to the boy? He knew from Lupin that Dylan loved the idealized version of the father he had never known, much as Harry did James. Sirius didn't have many pleasant and heartwarming stories to tell about Evan Rosier, who had, after all, been a Death Eater. In fact, as a young Auror, he had seen some of the bodies of the Muggle and Muggle-born victims that Evan and his comrades had murdered, but that was not something he wanted to say to the eager, wide-eyed, vulnerable-looking boy standing in front of him. "I mean, we were yearmates, but I didn't know him very well," Sirius temporized, "since we were in different Houses and all."

Dylan's smile vanished, and was replaced by a polite but guarded expression. No wonder Snape liked the boy; it seemed that he was even better at turning his emotions on and off than the Potions Master. "That's right; Professor Lupin said you were a friend of his, so you must have been in Gryffindor House."

"Yes, I was," Sirius replied, and for the first time he wondered if Branwen was right about the division of Houses being a bad thing, if Dylan automatically assumed that a Gryffindor could only be friends with another Gryffindor. It was an assumption that Sirius would never have questioned himself until recently. Part of Sirius wished he could go back to his blissful certainty in his beliefs of right and wrong, of black and white with no shades of gray, but Lupin and Branwen had awoken too many troubling questions in his mind for him to set his conscience at ease again.

"I guess you didn't like him very much, then," Dylan said. "Professor Lupin said his friends didn't get along with the Slytherins."

"Um, yeah," Sirius mumbled, wondering why he felt so ashamed about that now; it had never bothered him before. {It's all Moony's and Branwen's fault,} he grumbled to himself. Aloud he said, "It's nothing personal; that's just the way things were. Gryffindor and Slytherin have always been rivals."

"The Sorting Hat said that Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor were once close friends," Dylan said.

"Don't you hate the Gryffindors?" Sirius asked curiously; he had never met a Slytherin who wasn't hostile towards Gryffindor.

Dylan shrugged. "Not really. I can't be friends with them, because...ah...some of my housemates would object, but I don't hate them. Some of them are mean to me, but others--" He grinned. "--mostly the girls, have been nice to me."

"You are your father's son," Sirius said dryly, and Dylan laughed.

"Funny, how people keep telling me that," he said, with a charming, rakish grin, and at that moment, the boy did indeed look very much like his father. "Well, my mother was a Ravenclaw, after all," Dylan continued, "so I suppose the thought of associating with other Houses doesn't bother me the way it would most of my classmates."

"To be honest, I was a bit jealous of Evan," Sirius found himself admitting. He was surprised to find that he actually liked the boy--he would have never have dreamed that he would ever say that about a Slytherin, much less the son of a Death Eater.

"Really? Why?"

"Well," Sirius said sheepishly, "my friend James and I were pranksters, too, and we felt we had a reputation to uphold. And we didn't like being upstaged by your dad and his friend Wilkes. I remember--well, it wasn't exactly a prank, but did anyone ever tell you about the time Evan asked Professor Blackmore for a dance at the Yule Ball?"

"Yes," Dylan said, grinning widely. "Now that I've met her, I can't imagine anyone having the courage to do that!"

"Nor I," Sirius agreed. "But Evan did, and I was jealous that I hadn't thought of it first."

"Why, did you like her?" Dylan asked. "I mean, she's very beautiful, but I find her a little scary--"

"Like her?" Sirius said, puzzled for a moment before he figured out what Dylan was asking. "Oh no!" he said, blushing a little. "I never thought of her that way! That would be like having a crush on a dragon or a cobra--something beautiful but deadly! No, what I meant was that the whole school was in awe of your father for weeks afterwards. No one could believe that he had the courage or the sheer audacity to do that--and no one could believe that she didn't kill him or turn him into a toad!"

Dylan laughed. "So what were some of the pranks you pulled on Slytherin, and vice versa?"

"Well," Sirius said, pausing to think, "there was the time they cast an illusion on the Gryffindor banner hanging in the Great Hall. I'm still not sure how they did it, but they made it look as though the lion's mane and fur had been shaved off." He had been furious at the time, to see the pink, denuded Gryffindor lion, but now he had to admit it had been quite an impressive prank. "So, of course, Gryffindor had to even the score, which we did by turning the Slytherins' robes pink..."

***

Snape returned to the Grimmauld Place house feeling weary and relieved to be back. Goewin had been positively furious with him; old Math had practically had to restrain his wife to keep her from attacking Snape. From her reaction, a stranger might have thought that she was the boy's mother, as fiercely protective as a mother bear was of her cubs. Ariane had been distraught, of course, but at the same time a little proud that the Rosier house had acknowledged Dylan as its true heir. She had once more entreated Snape to watch over her son, and before he left, quietly whispered into his ear, "I of all people understand the dangerous position you are in, Severus, caught between the Death Eaters and your duties to Dumbledore and the Order. But Dylan is my son, and if you let him die, I will kill you."

"You will not need to," Snape had replied in a level voice. "Because if that happens, I will already be dead." She had held his gaze for a moment, her silvery-gray eyes--so much like Dylan's--boring into his, then she had nodded and let him leave.

Snape went up to his room to check on Dylan, and heard voices, then Dylan's laughter. He smiled to himself, thinking that Lupin must be talking to the boy. So he turned the doorknob and entered without knocking, and got a very unpleasant surprise: Dylan laughing and chatting casually with none other than Sirius Black. The sight filled Snape with an irrational, overpowering sense of jealousy. {Damn you, Black!} he thought to himself. {Are you determined to steal from me everyone I love?} He was so caught up in his fury that he didn't even notice that he had finally acknowledged to himself that he loved Dylan.

Dylan started to say, "Hello, Professor Snape--" but Snape cut him off, snarling, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Black?! Get away from the boy!"

Black stared at him in shock. "Take it easy, Snape! Remus sent me to tell Dylan that dinner was ready, and we just got to talking--"

Snape grabbed Black by the front of his robes and growled, "You expect me to believe that you were just having a pleasant chat with the son of a Slytherin Death Eater--?"

"Professor," Dylan said in alarm, "it's all right, we really were just talking--"

"You stay out of this, Rosier!" Snape roared, then turned back to Black. "You expect me to believe that you've had a sudden change of heart? I remember how much you hated Evan, hated all Slytherins in general! Why are you so anxious to befriend his son? I haven't forgotten how you tried to feed me to a werewolf, Black, and I swear if you so much as harm a hair on the boy's head, I will make you wish that Bellatrix really had killed you--"

"Oh my God!" Dylan exclaimed, and both Snape and Sirius turned to look at him. "I completely forgot, Professor Lupin told me that Sirius Black was one of the Aurors who confronted my father--" He was staring at Black with an expression of mingled surprise, suspicion, and hurt in his eyes. That last infuriated Snape; how had he come to trust Black so quickly that his betrayal would cause him pain?

"Look, it's true that I didn't like Evan, and that we were on opposite sides of the war," protested Black, "but for Merlin's sake, Snape, do you really think I would stoop to hurting a child?"

"You tried to get me killed when I was Dylan's age," Snape snarled.

"I wasn't trying to get you killed!" Black snapped, sounding frustrated.

"Well, what did you think was going to happen when I walked in on a werewolf during the full moon, with no Wolfsbane Potion yet invented?!"

"I wasn't thinking!" Black shouted. "I was young and stupid and thoughtless, I admit it, okay?! It was despicable of me to try and come between you and Remus, but I wasn't trying to kill you!"

"Fat lot of good that would have done if Potter hadn't had a change of heart and gotten me out of there in time!"

"I was only a kid then, myself, Snape! Do you think that you're the only one's who changed in the past twenty years? Don't you think that maybe I've grown up a little since then?"

"I certainly haven't seen any sign of it," Snape sneered.

"Do you think that you're the only one who deserves forgiveness?" Black sneered back. "At least I didn't join the Death Eaters!"

"Why you little--"

A loud crash and the sound of breaking glass caused the two men to break off their argument. Snape let go of Black's robes and turned around to see what had happened; a couple of potion bottles had fallen from a shelf down to the floor. Snape frowned and reached for his wand; those bottles should not have fallen on their own. "Do you have doxies in the house again, Black?"

"It was the hob," Dylan said hesitantly. "I saw him out of the corner of my eye."

Black looked embarrassed. "He was probably trying to distract us from our argument. Hobs don't like discord; they like things to be peaceful and everyone to be happy."

Snape suddenly saw how pale and frightened Dylan looked, and felt ashamed of himself as well. "Go to the kitchen, Black," he said in a curt but much less hostile voice, "and tell Lupin we're coming down." Black looked a little mulish, so he added, "Please," through gritted teeth.

Black nodded and started to leave, then stopped at the door and said to Dylan, "Look, your father and I weren't friends. Maybe we were even enemies. But I swear on my honor that I mean you no harm. Once I might have hated you just because of who your father was and what House you were sorted into, but--" He smiled wryly. "--a couple of my friends keep trying to drill it through my thick skull that I should stop being so shallow and start judging people as individuals. I'll see you at dinner." Then he left, closing the door behind him.

"I...I'm sorry, sir," Dylan said in a small voice, looking very anxious. "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to talk to him, but I should have been more careful--"

Snape felt even more ashamed of himself, if that was possible. "No, I'm the one who should apologize," he said. Dylan's mouth dropped open, and Snape almost smiled in spite of himself; well, it was no wonder the boy was in shock--the Potions Master never apologized to anyone, and certainly not his students! "I shouldn't have lost my temper," he continued. "And I was angry at Black, not you."

Dylan looked relieved, but still a little uneasy. "Would Sirius Black really try to hurt me, sir?"

Snape was silent for a long time. Would he? Black had hated all Slytherins, and he had played that nearly fatal "prank" on Snape, but would he really hurt a child, even one who was the son of a Death Eater? Or did he only want to believe that of Black because he was jealous...and what was there to be jealous of, really? It wasn't as if Dylan was his child; the boy was only his student, after all... But he cared about Dylan far more than he had ever cared about any of his students, and there was a bond between them that had been forged the night Dylan had received the Dark Mark. And...he had to admit it, seeing Black work his charm on someone that Snape cared about had woken an irrational fear that Black might try to steal Dylan from him as he had stolen Lupin twenty years ago. {Everyone loves Black,} he thought sullenly. {Or at least they did, before he was framed by Pettigrew. And I have only a handful of people who care about me; can't he at least leave me that much? Or does he want to strip me of what little I have?} Snape knew that he was being childish, and that it was foolish to be jealous just because his favorite student had been having a friendly conversation with Black, but he couldn't seem to help himself.

"I don't know," Snape finally replied. "Black and I...have a history, you might say. It's difficult for me to be objective about it." Then he added reluctantly, "But Dumbledore and Lupin trust him. Of course," he muttered, almost under his breath, "the werewolf is very softhearted..."

"Professor Lupin said that this house belongs to Sirius Black, and that you brought me here because it was a safe place," Dylan said timidly. "So I thought it was all right, I thought that meant you trusted him..."

"It's...complicated," Snape said, grimacing. To explain why he had brought Dylan here, he would have to explain that it was the headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, and then he would have to explain about the Order. Dumbledore had agreed that--since he had seen so much already--they could explain the basics about the Order to Dylan, but Snape didn't want to get into it right now. "It's a very long story, Rosier. I'll explain it over dinner."

"Yes, sir," Dylan said obediently, though he still looked puzzled.

"But I suppose," Snape sighed, "that I don't really think Black would murder you in your sleep or anything like that. But he has always mistrusted Slytherins, and I don't know how long this new open-mindedness of his will last, or how sincere it is, so just watch your step around him."

"Yes, sir." Dylan hesitated, then asked, "Did he really try to kill you when you were my age?"

Snape wanted to kick himself for revealing so much to the boy. {And to think I was scolding Lupin for being careless,} he groaned silently. "He played what he claims was a merely a prank, and sent me to Professor Lupin's hiding place in the Shrieking Shack when we were all about your age," Snape said stiffly. "The Wolfsbane Potion had not yet been invented, so the only way to keep Lupin from harming anyone was to lock him up by himself during the full moon. Lupin's crowd and mine were at odds with each other, and I was quite curious to know where Lupin disappeared to every month. So Black told me, but neglected to mention the little fact that Lupin was a werewolf."

"And he called that a 'prank'?!" Dylan exclaimed, turning pale again, and Snape felt a malicious, if petty, little stab of satisfaction, at the horror in the boy's voice, because it meant that Dylan saw Black for what he truly was. "You could have been killed! Or..." His voice trailed off.

"No, I'm not a werewolf, Mr. Rosier," Snape said dryly. "Fortunately, I...ah...managed to escape before Lupin bit me. No thanks to Black, of course."

"But you could have been killed or infected," Dylan said, shaking his head. "And Professor Lupin would probably have been punished, maybe executed, even if it wasn't his fault."

Snape blinked in surprise, but was pleased at the boy's insight; none of the idiot Gryffindors had foreseen what would have happened to their friend if their prank had gone wrong. But then, Dylan himself had been a victim of wizardly "justice," having spent most of his young life in exile because of his father's crimes.

"Did he really not realize what could have happened, to you and Professor Lupin?" Dylan asked dubiously.

Snape was sorely tempted to let Dylan think that Black was a conniving murderer, but he obeyed his conscience (which sounded an awful lot like Lupin, damn him) and answered honestly, "Well, Black wasn't very bright, or to be more accurate, he never used the brains he had; he's always had a habit of acting without thinking. He says he just wanted to scare me, and I admit it's possible that he's stupid enough not to have realized that Lupin could have done much more than just scare me. And I know he never stopped to think about what the Ministry would have done to Lupin if he'd killed me; he was genuinely horrified when Dumbledore told him that Lupin could have been executed or sent to Azkaban."

"And Professor Lupin is still friends with him?!"

"Yes, well, he's always been too softhearted for his own good," Snape grumbled. "And of course Black made a big show of how sorry he was that he had endangered his best friend."

"Only his friend--not you?" Dylan asked, picking up on Snape's unspoken words, perceptive boy that he was.

"I was only a Slytherin, after all," Snape said with a bitter smile, but his conscience prodded him again, and he added, "Though he did eventually apologize, about twenty years too late. Not that it matters. There are things that an apology cannot change." His smile grew even more bitter and twisted. "As you and I know," he added softly, tapping the place on his forearm where the Dark Mark was branded. Dylan nodded solemnly.

"Well, enough of this," Snape said briskly; dwelling on those painful memories of the past was extremely unpleasant, and the boy had already learned more than he should. "Let's go down to dinner before Lupin starts worrying."

But Dylan had one more question, by the look on his face; he seemed to be going through some internal struggle over whether or not to actually ask it. Finally he blurted out, "Did Sirius Black pull that so-called prank because of you and Professor Lupin...because he didn't like the idea of his friend being with a Slytherin?"

Snape silently cursed Lupin for kissing him in front of Dylan, even if he had thought the boy was asleep, and then cursed himself for losing control and fighting with Black in front of Dylan. "Did I ever tell you that you're too clever for your own good, Rosier?"

"Sorry, sir," Dylan said contritely.

"And anyway, my personal life is none of your business."

"Yes, sir," Dylan said meekly. "But...certain things make sense now. I wondered why Professor Lupin seemed so concerned about me, why he seemed so sure that I wouldn't turn out to be a Death Eater like my father. It was because of you, wasn't it? He was being nice to me for your sake."

"Much too clever for your own good," Snape sighed, but he laid his hand on Dylan's shoulder, and the boy smiled up at him trustingly, looking touchingly eager to please, his normally guarded expression open and vulnerable. No one but Lupin had ever looked at Snape that way, and while he was deeply moved by the boy's trust, he was also humbled by it, because he wasn't sure that he was worthy of it. "Dinner," Snape repeated, and this time Dylan followed him quietly down to the kitchen.

***

Dinner was a rather subdued affair, with the conversation being slightly stilted and awkward. Snape and Lupin explained to Dylan about the Order of the Phoenix, just the bare minimum of details, that they were working against Voldemort and that the house was a safe haven for the group, but no more than that; they didn't tell him who any of the other members were. "The less you know, the less you can be forced to reveal," Snape said in his usual didactic tone.

Dylan nodded. He didn't seem very surprised, at least to Sirius's eyes, and had apparently already figured out that Dumbledore had organized some kind of resistance to combat the Death Eaters, although he hadn't known the name of the organization or the exact details. But then, Lupin and Snape both claimed that the boy was clever and perceptive. "I suppose my great-uncle is working for you, too? He did during the first war, and I can't imagine that he'd just sit back and do nothing now."

Snape hesitated, then replied, "Yes, Mathias is helping us, in a manner of speaking," not bothering to elaborate. Sirius knew, of course, that the old wizard remained on his estate in Wales to watch over Dylan's mother, while his wife Goewin attended the Order meetings and reported back to him, but apparently Snape felt the boy didn't need to know that.

"And Harry Potter must be involved," Dylan continued. Snape's eyes narrowed, but he said nothing, and Lupin looking uncertain, followed his lead. "And...maybe some of his friends?" Dylan asked, a speculative gleam in his eyes. "Hermione said she talked to you during the summer, and I thought that was odd--"

"That will be enough, Mr. Rosier!" Snape said firmly, flushing a little, though Sirius wasn't sure why. "I told you before, there are things that you do not need to know, things that might endanger you or your friends."

"Yes, sir," Dylan said, bowing his head meekly. "I'm sorry."

Sirius stared at him in amazement. Harry always clamored to know more than the adults were willing to tell him, and would not have been put off with a "you don't need to know that." And Evan Rosier had certainly never been so obedient and compliant. Was it natural for a child to be so well-behaved? Of course, Dylan had not exactly had what you would call a normal childhood...

The subject of the Order was dropped, and Lupin and Snape made small talk about the school. Snape informed Lupin that the Headmaster was explaining Lupin's absence at meals by saying that he was sick.

"It's a bit early for that," Lupin said, "but still believable, I suppose. The full moon's less than two weeks away, and you will have to start brewing the potion for me soon. But I've been telling my students how effective the new potion is..."

"They'll probably just assume that I'm trying to poison you," Snape said with a wicked grin.

Lupin laughed, and Dylan smiled, looking a little bemused. Of course, he had only just found out that his teachers weren't enemies, as most of the school believed, but he seemed happy about it. The boy obviously liked Lupin, and he seemed to like Snape as well, treating the Potions Master with a respect that was close to hero worship. {There's no accounting for taste,} Sirius thought to himself, then conceded that the son of a Death Eater might find Snape an appropriate father figure, as incredible as that sounded.

Sirius noticed, feeling a little disappointed but not surprised, that Dylan kept giving him suspicious glances; Snape had no doubt poisoned the boy's mind against him. But Dylan was still flawlessly polite to him, though Sirius found that he preferred Snape's insults to the boy's cool, bland responses to Sirius's attempts at conversation. Of course, Sirius had always preferred hatred to indifference, even as a child; one thing he could not stand was being ignored.

Eventually, dinner concluded, with Snape telling Dylan, "Oh, and I brought some textbooks back with me from Hogwarts. Now that you seem to be feeling better, you can do a little studying while you recuperate." He laughed at the startled and slightly put-out expression on the boy's face and said with a wickedly gleeful grin, "Come now, Mr. Rosier, surely you didn't think that I would let a near-death experience excuse you from having your homework ready to turn in on Monday."

Dylan laughed, "Of course not, Professor!"

Part 16